A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Question for the players and former players out there:Why did you do it? And would you tell a girl that you wanted something serious to continue to string her along?And what about when you were caught? Did you fess up and walk away ? Or deny and try to keep a good thing for yourself going?Any key lines that would help a girl like me spot a player? I think I'm dealing with one - although a real smooth one who says "I used to be a player, but now I grew up"
View related questions:
player Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe bailed on plans Saturday that would have had him meeting my friends. (it's been 2 months - I don't think that's too much ) it was the 3rd time he's come up with lame excuses so I text him that I thought he was being a player and that I had no time for it and goodbye. He called and then asked of we could talk. I agreed and then he text me today "I think you're the one not really into me". Classic reversal. Done!
Thanks for your help.
A
male
reader, MikeEa1  +, writes (21 December 2011):
 a player is someone who pretends to want all the things the woman wants. it is so easy to pretend this. most players aren't really players but people who don't know what they want. they're just confused geeks who can pretend they're normal for long enough to get into your pants. the idea about asking his friends about him probably won't work. you have to use your own judgement or maybe ask your friends what they think.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2011): Do you have any guy friends who know this person distantly? That's usually your first indicator, because guys act truly around other guys, not girls.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2011): Never a player as I have too much respect for women and myself, but I've known enough to give you an honest male perspective.
"Why did you do it?" Because I'm weak, shallow, immature, and most of all I'm very insecure about my sexuality while also having a very warped concept of what true masculinity really is, so I disrespect women and try to drag them down to my level to compensate for my own shortcomings as a man.
"And would you tell a girl that you wanted something serious to continue to string her along?" Absolutely. If I told girls I just wanted to f*** them I'd never get laid.
"And what about when you were caught? Did you fess up and walk away ? Or deny and try to keep a good thing for yourself going?" Neither, I kept a good thing going by turning the situation around and blaming her for driving me into the arms (and bed) of another woman, then took her back after she promised not to be so clingy and demanding and suspicious.
"Any key lines that would help a girl like me spot a player?" Here's one of my favorites: 'I used to be a player, but now I grew up.'
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2011): "Why did you do it?" Sex, conquest, the challenge and the thrill of the hunt.
"And would you tell a girl that you wanted something serious to continue to string her along?" Never needed to, as long as you don't ever say it's not what you want most women will just stay around hoping you do. I do know a lot of amateurs and assholes that do though. Believe it or not while I have technically used a lot of women for sex I am a person of very strong morals and a conscience that would plague me if I was bad to someone, so I always just played on letting a girl make all the assumptions I just never denied them and felt fine morally most of the time.
It takes a lot more skill to use girls without ever lying to them, those that take the easy road and say the 'I love you's' and 'I've changed' lines are to me just amateurs who think they are players but are just liars. It's very easy to lie.
"And what about when you were caught?" As I said, when you don't lie you don't get caught because technically there is nothing to get caught for. Once a girl realizes that I'm not after a relationship and it's just about sex there is no need to do anything but let them make their own decision and be nice enough to adhere to that.
You see most of the time if you give girls the feeling of control and power their own mind will do all the work for you. If I let girls go, after they get sick of the game, they usually end up coming back time and again to win me over. Their minds hate the idea of defeat, their egos take a huge bruising and their self esteem suffers too, so they come back then to try and fix that or they try and do a switch, try to use me back or hope they can make me fall in love so they can hurt me too, but that just means more sex for me and wilder sex than normal too which is great. The only sex that is better than make-up sex, is the sex you have with a girl that is angry and wants to punish you by making you want her. There is no wilder, better sex than that. A woman scorned is better than a porn star.
"Any key lines that would help a girl like me spot a player? " Not really, but him saying he's changed is a load of bullshit and it's the oldest trick in the book. If he changed then he wouldn't need to say it, he wouldn't need to defend himself or justify himself. You see the best weapon we guys have against you girls is words. For some crazy reason you girls seem to put more importance in them than actions. For example if I say I miss you after not having made any attempt to contact you in the past week then that's a load of bullshit, but you'll still prefer to believe I did in fact miss you than look at my actions which say I'm full of shit.
This article discusses that in detail.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/women-actions-speak-louder-than-words.html
The only proven way to know if you're being played is to closely watch the behaviour of a guy outside of a romantic setting. All bets are off when you're alone together and getting intimate, those moments can all be lies and those actions are not to be considered proof of anything.
What you want to watch is long term behaviour. Is he constantly talking about sex? Just like a kid who's main focus is on getting his mom to buy him ice cream it's the only thing he'll talk about until he gets that ice cream. We give away a lot when we talk because our main focus is all we talk about. If language gets very steamy all the time then you know his main goal is sex. If all the dates he arranges are either to a private place where intimacy can happen or any date you do go on seems to always end up with him suggesting you go back to a place then his main focus is sex.
The best way to know if someone is serious is to take it slowly. Have public dates, spend time together in places where you can't have sex or get intimate and see how he responds. Players won't hang around long with a girl who's not going to give them regular action, it's that simple but a guy who's serious will take his time, prove his worth and be patient because serious implies he wants something more. Then make it about the more from the outset. Make it about getting to know each other, cuddles and a kiss or two but nothing more for a while or if it goes further then not very often. By all means have dinner at his place or watch a movie there but have a set time prearranged when you will leave beforehand. A guy who wants more than just sex will want to spend time with you, they'll want to get to know you and will want to get to know you deep down. Most players I've met always bring up sex talk or try and get as much "alone time" as possible with a girl. Most women respond and either want that too or want more but just don't do the right things to make a guy prove himself first which can make them player fodder but very often the guy can be just a normal non-player and it works out. That's always the risk.
The only advice I can give you is to never trust a guy who says he used to be a player but he's changed, only time will tell that and only if you test him. Watch actions if they don't match the words then the words are lies.
...............................
A
male
reader, RAINORFIRE +, writes (20 December 2011):
 interesting how all the answers are from females so far. To be honest I hate the term player I guess because Im a logistican i might have made this up) at heart. I like to break things down into their most logical simplest form. In the movie Lion King notice all the lions in the pride are lionesses except two Simba a baby and his father, Scar had been booted off the island before the movie started. so Theirs Mufasa and alL these lionesses, Disney never speculates on who Nalas father was. My point is males in many species like variety. I believe many men would prefer to have more then one female companion if not for religious political and societal infringement. In many cultures polygamy is the norm. In the Animal kingdom polygamy is quite common from Bulls, to elephants to sea lions. Polygamy though illegal in many countries men still find ways of having multiple partners.A Popular show on television heralds the life of a man living in a house with a bunch of beautiful young women. So in my opinion its natural for male to seek diversity or in lamens terms to be a player. From a biological stand point the more females one has the more offspring he can produce ensuring his seed reigns. But humans have the ability to think and reason and many feel we should rise above our anamalistic nature. I think if any one wants to have more then one partner all partners should be aware and it should be a mutual thing no lying and cheating and sneaking out back doors everyone should know what everyone is doing especially in this age of Uncurable STDS. So a player In my opinion as i think now is one who lies and cheats about sexual relations not just one who has multiple relations. I Suppose Webster has their own definition. How to spot one well eventually their lies and or evidence will catch up to them. Also I feel if a man has made up his mind to be satisfied with one specific woman he would ask her to marry him. Check out the film How to be a player for more insight yes its a real film.
...............................
A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (20 December 2011):
 Its hard to say - all players have their own ways so there are no 'rules' as such to help you spot one. What makes you think your guy is a player? Without that information it is hard to help you.
But to try and generalise, well a 'player' by definition only wants sex from a woman and will typically have a few women on the go at the same time. So watch out for him texting a lot, being on online chat sites/dating sites, being secretive with his phone, pushing to have sex soon into the relationship, keeping you away from his friends/family, only inviting you round to his house or coming over to yours rather than going out on dates, cancelling dates at the last minute with odd excuses....that sort of thing.
Why do they do it? Simply because they can. These are not men who want to settle down, they are scared of comittment but still want sex. So they will feed women the lines they want to hear ('I really like you', 'you are amazing', 'I've never felt this way about anyone before', 'I can really see myself having a future with you'.....etc) in order to get them into bed. Women fall for words easily, we all want to know that a man is really into us and wants to have a future with us - but actions speak louder than words. So never fall for a man's words unless his actions back it up.
I hope this helps and good luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (20 December 2011):
Its hard to say - all players have their own ways so there are no 'rules' as such to help you spot one. What makes you think your guy is a player? Without that information it is hard to help you.
But to try and generalise, well a 'player' by definition only wants sex from a woman and will typically have a few women on the go at the same time. So watch out for him texting a lot, being on online chat sites/dating sites, being secretive with his phone, pushing to have sex soon into the relationship, keeping you away from his friends/family, only inviting you round to his house or coming over to yours rather than going out on dates, cancelling dates at the last minute with odd excuses....that sort of thing.
Why do they do it? Simply because they can. These are not men who want to settle down, they are scared of comittment but still want sex. So they will feed women the lines they want to hear ('I really like you', 'you are amazing', 'I've never felt this way about anyone before', 'I can really see myself having a future with you'.....etc) in order to get them into bed. Women fall for words easily, we all want to know that a man is really into us and wants to have a future with us - but actions speak louder than words. So never fall for a man's words unless his actions back it up.
I hope this helps and good luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (20 December 2011):
 A good keyline is "I used to be a player,but now I grew up ".
Just kidding :)
The best advice I can give you is : always watch what they do, not what the say. With players, and with everybody else in life. Talk is cheap, and for some people who've got a way with words, it's also damn easy.
OF COURSE a player would tell you what you want to hear just to string you along, and would deny the sky is blue to keep his game going ! Otherwise, what player would he be ?..
So, stick to the actions : is he reliable, is he accountable for his word or not ? Does he flake out on you often ? Is his life ( enough of ) an open book, or do you have only a vague idea of where he is and what he does when he's not with you ? Does he introduce you to family and friends ? Does he like to "show you off" or prefers to lie low about your relationship ?
On second thought , though,... if you have to do a lot of monitoring, and gumshoe work, to keep this thing going, .. is it really worth it ? No relationship can be really fulfilling without trust , and if you have to carry it on in atmosphere of anxiety and suspicion, maybe it's more work than it's worth .
...............................
|
