A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:i found out that my wife slept with someone while we were engaged a few weeks after we got married. It has been 5months since then and i have not been able to forget or fully forgive . Im heart broken . Ive become very cold and mean to her, ive become so insecure that i question every step she takes every conversation she has. we constantly fight and its always things she does that start this, im not perfect other but non of Ay action lead to fights . We always argue over things she does or things she Donsnt tell me , the smallest lie sets off a huge fight where i end up bringing up the past . She says she loves me but im no longer believing this. If i would have found out she cheated on me before we got married i fell i would have called the wedding off.....of course i Dont know forsure because i was never given the opportunity to make a decision. Im constantly thinking about cheating on her but i hold back because i do love her . Maybe revenge sex will help me move passed her error , maybe it Wont . Im desperate to save this marriage. Will revenge cheating help me move passed what she did??? Have any of you done this? Did it help ??? .
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cheated on me, engaged, insecure, revenge, wedding Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2011): Thank u for the update again.Glad u spoke to your wife However she is in no position to dictate "how" u treat her and "how u are breaking her down" . If u cheated on her would she be calm, rational and meek?Look OP we all make mistakes BUT when it is repeated and the perpetrator just expects to be forgiven all the time then that is a red flag.As suggested by most plse get professional counselling to save your marriage.However let the wife know that when the 3rd strike happens, shes out once and for all.Both u and her need to start rebuilding your marriage bec the foundation is weak and it was actually falsely built. This will require commitment and honesty from both.Goodluck and i hope everything ends well.LoveGirl
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (22 December 2011):
 I hope this works for you. She's right what's past is past and if she is committed to you and your relationship, and YOU can move past it, then it CAN work....
People can make positive changes... I came from an open marriage (how I met my current partner) with a very active varried sex life in the past.my partner was an active user of escort services...
NOW we are monogamous and we never discuss our pasts... they were before our current life... and neither of us should be punished for the past.
Listen to your wife who is TRYING hard to make this work and I wish you both peace and happiness.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionlovegirl, the first time she cheated was very early on in the relationship. A few months after we became a couple. It was more then 2years after the this las incident.
I have spoken to my wife and like many of you posted, she accepts her mistakes but tells me im braking her down all the time by bringing up the past and that we need to move forward to have a chance . She said that she would not hold divorce from me, and that its my choice . She Donsnt want one those made it clear that she wants to have a life with me and repair the relationship.
Ive decided to control my emotions alot more and not constantly question her and stop throwing the past in her face .
Its going to be challenging but as many of you stated , if you truly love someone you will find a way to make it work.
Thank you all so very much . And i hope i never have to post here again.....well atlas not for problems but for advice. :)
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2011): She broke the vows, not you. You cannot forcibly make her a decent trustworthy person if she isn't one. You need to consider the possibility of getting divorced. And your wife may need to believe that you are capable of divorcing her (even if you're not) just to make her want to show adequate respect for you.
As for revenge cheating, two wrongs don't make a right.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2011): Thank u for your follow ups
Hold on a moment: your wife ALSO cheated with another man as well. So this makes 2 that u know of!
The more u reveal the more sordid it becomes.
OP u may be religious but what do u do? Condemn yourself for life with a wife who Cannot remain faithful to you???
Married just 5 months and u find out about her other men.... Run OP run.... U have a serial cheater in your midst and u will be a fool to stick around. Religion or Not, you need to make a decision.
OP i know your head is not in the right place right now. But take a deep breath, and sit in a quiet place and try to comprehend what has happened.
Do u have any family member u can confide in?
LoveGirl
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks cerberus i meant to say im in a different country . And yea revenge cheating is tearing me up even thinking it . I took vows to be faithful to my wife but when your this broken down i guess morals arent the first thing that come to mind. I never in a million years thought i would be in this situation . :( .
Thanks for all the feedback, just talking this out here has really helped me . I appreciate all the responses .
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2011): OP based on your follow up I can't see how you're going to solve this without professional help. I don't understand what being a different centre means but is it worth more to you than your marriage?
It really is the only hope you've got because she emotionally cheated on you once and physically once too. You;re not going to be able to build that trust back without the proper tools mechanisms and support of a pro.
You have a choice really a lawyer or a counsellor. Because 3 or 4 months this has been eating you up and it hasn't gotten any easier has it? In fact you've probably gotten even more desperate. Your long term happiness and your future depends on how you deal with this situation. Have a think of what your priorities are here and act accordingly because you can't go on living like this and if you let it go on any longer then you will start to think even more extreme and weird solutions and lose her anyway. I have a feeling you asking about revenge cheating is more the idea of a man who has become desperate in his despair, you cannot allow that keep building up like this. Cheating is something your religion does not allow I'm from a catholic country and revenge cheating is far less accepted than divorce and it's probably something which you're horrified for even thinking.
So again, delve even further into the depths of your despair and see how crazy your thoughts become then or get up off your arse and set up the conditions necessary to give this marriage a shot.
Do not discount divorce, the religious sanctity of this marriage was over the minute she broke her vows and engagement is a vow to be married.
Time to turn your rage and sadness into constructive practical action before your head explodes and you do something as stupid as sleep with someone else. This is not the man you grew up wanting to be, this is not how you envisioned your life being and you're the only one that can change that.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2011): Revenge is never sweet when done this way.
You are understandably hurt and angry. You married someone under false pretenses and to someone who was cheating at the time.
This is grounds for annulment of the marriage.
She needs help, professional help, not marriage.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2011): You CAN control your emotions. YOu just chose to NOT to. Take some anger management courses and there is always a way and means to seek counselling so stop with the excuses.
You want to make your marriage work, you excerice forgiveness and healing and do it WITH Wife in counselling.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni found out 5months ago . We have been married for 5months . I found out a few weeks after we got married.Yes i love her , if i didnt i would have never ask her to be my wife.The thing is i do treat her with love and respect, but once we start arguing i turn into a very ugly person :( . I know this isnt healthy and that even tho she made a huge mistake i should stop throwing it in her face . I cant control my emotions right now .
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks to all who took their time to respond. I found out threw facebook, i saw a message left about her sleeping with someone else. We cant do counselling because im in a different centre at the moment . My trust issues with her are not recent , early on in our relationship she was seeing another guy ( they didnt sleep together ) but they did kiss ... This went on for a month . It took along time to forgive that incident too . Im a religious person and got married threw the roman catholic religion, divorce isnt a real path i would like to take . You guys/girls have a good point in that revenge cheating isnt the correct option . Thanks for showing me a different point of view since mine is clouded right now with emotions i cant even explain .
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (20 December 2011):
I don’t think that forgetting is right but forgiveness for a ONE TIME mistake that happened in the past often is a good start for healing. Revenge Cheating is NOT a good idea…..
I am not sure WHEN you found out…. If this happened 5 months ago or 5 years ago but you found out 5 days ago, the wound is still raw and fresh and aching….
If you can’t forgive your wife (and I understand that you can’t at this time) then you have a choice to make. If you do not trust her, if you are insecure because of her behavior, if you are cold and mean to her, she will be cold back to you. This is a recipe for divorce at best and unhappy at worst.
Why are you so desperate to save t his marriage? You love her but you are so angry and hurt you treat her like you hate her… she will react to this. IF you want to move past it and save the marriage, treat her with love and kindness and respect. Perhaps you can forgive (NOT forget) her ONE transgression and move forward?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2011): Seek couples counselling ASAP.You are already using this knowledge to deliberately hurt her and make her pay. Any misstep and you start fighting. Shes fighting blind but you know full well why you WANT to fight and make her pay. You are hiding you know about her trust and so you are just as much as a cheat.Revenge already isn't helping and I'm glad others have said the truth: NO its not helping you or her or your marriage.You want to stay married and you love her- you work it all out in couples counselling immediately.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2011): OP u are NOT acting like a spoilt brat: your wife deceived u and u have every right to feel the way u do. U see this is the consequence of your wifes cheating.
How did u find out?
Is she remorseful?
What has she explained?
Was it a one time thing or is she a natural cheater?
If she says she loves u what has she done to SHOW u that she truly loves u?
Is she still in contact with the other man?
Why does she lie? (Even so called small lies are a relationship killer)
The above are just a few things u need to be mindful of.
Personally i dont see your wife changing: i think u also note this.
Marriage counselling? No not fr u two. Why? Bec your wife is still a liar and she is not really the woman u thought she was. She married u under false pretences.
Revenge cheater: hell no! It will just prove that u are no better than her.
Its early days in your marriage and although i am all for saving a marriage, i suggest that u make an early exit. U cannot trust her and even though your now know about her cheating ways, she has done nothing to make this right. In fact she continues to lie. So every time she is late, or gets a phone call, u will be suspicious. Since she has Not attoned for her behaviour it is best to call it quits. I am glad u two dont have kids yet: it will just complicate matters Even further.
Get rid of the cheating wife first and then go out and find one who will be faithful.
LoveGirl
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2011): forgive and forget is a phrase used by those who are not affected. you are the one who is affected. dude, you married a cheat without knowing it. you have every reason to behave like you are doing. no one forced her, it was her choice. you cannot forget and if you dont walk, she eventually will. cheating very rarely happens only once. i would get my ass out of it before it gets worse.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2011): You was mislead into believing you was going to spend the rest of your life with a sincere and faithful woman. You find out she is not the woman you thought she was. You cannot MAKE yourself trust her and i can hardly blame you for that. You have been living under her pretence. I dont know why you would want to stay in that false marriage. I would leave. She is not who you thought she was. Cheat back and the so called marriage will demise further. You may even cheat again because you have no reason to feel any guilt.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2011): No it won't help. All it will do is make you feel worse and have no moral high ground to stand on either.
What are the major problems you are having in the relationship at the moment? The biggest is trust isn't it? Do you think cheating on her is going to make you able to trust her again? Not a hope of that is there? All it would do is put her in the same place you are now and while you're angry and hurt and part of you wants her to feel that pain it would mean the end of your marriage wouldn't it? Plus it would not make you feel better at all, you'd feel like a spiteful prick in my opinion and it wouldn't help.
You say you want this marriage to work, that must mean you love her and plan on being with her for the rest of your life, how would cheating on her help that? It wouldn't.
You need to go see a marriage counsellor and get some professional help to move past this. Cheating to me is a deal breaker and I would have ended it the moment I found out but you want this to work then you have to stop acting the way you are, like a petulant child who's mommy won't buy him a lollipop. So start treating her with respect and stop throwing this in her face. You have to be able to move past this and in time you will but you cannot keep this so fresh and keep bringing it up or she just won't be able to breath or get the chance to prove you can trust her again.
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A
female
reader, madlib +, writes (20 December 2011):
Revenge cheating is a way for your bruised ego to act in a way that puts you in the made up belief that you are once again emotionally in control of yourself and in having feelings that make you feel superior to your wife...never in these situations is it healthy to actually act upon it.
Most people will tell you that once the trust is broken, no matter how much you love this person, if you cannot truly forgive and forget, then you should just leave the relationship all together. It would be hypocritical and unfair of you to do the same thing she did, and more than likely just make you and her feel worse about the relationship.
I didn't hear you mention going to counsiling....if you really had true feelings for her and truly cared about your relationship getting reconnected, that would have been the only other option to breaking up...not cheating. Since that is all you are fixating on, is getting revenge, I would have to say stop before you lower your character to douchebag status and just acknowledge that you love her but don't trust her and that you need therapy or time apart to get your self esteem back up to par.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2011): "She says she loves me but im no longer believing this. If i would have found out she cheated on me before we got married i fell i would have called the wedding off....."
"Im desperate to save this marriage. Will revenge cheating help me move passed what she did??? "
If you don't believe your wife loves you, regret marrying her, throw her mistake in her face at every opportunity and are even thinking about bedding another woman out of spite might help, then your marriage is not worth saving.
If you really love your wife you have two choices:
a.) find it in your heart to forgive her, put the past behind you (never forgotten but never mentioned) and move forward with a clean slate as a couple
b.) divorce her and give her the chance to start over with a clean slate as a single woman
No excuse for your wife's infidelity, but it doesn't give you the right to make her life an ongoing living hell and
your using it as justification for your own extramarital affair would be even more inexcusable as you'd be victimizing an innocent third party by dragging her into your sordid revenge plot as an unwitting "other woman."
As the old saying goes "two wrongs don't make a right."
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2011):
It might make you feel better. It will not help the relationship. What it will most likely do is end it. Sounds like that may be for the best anyway given how your fiancee cheated on you. BTW, how did you find out about it?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2011): Its never ok to do what you are thinking of never........
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2011): Its never helpful to cheat for any reason. Better to leave her. You want to keep your worth and dignity. She she worth you selling yourself out for, as yourself that. You have to live with the decision of your own actions. She may also choose to leave you if you do that, she then will have that choice that you have at this moment.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2011): I wouldnt consider having sex with someone else other then your wife just to get even. You will be no better then her if you do that. It will make you self esteem lower then it is now and she could then say you did it also and have less regreats about and a justification in what she did to you. You need to find a way to forgive her or move on. What your doing as a result of her cheating on you isn't good for you or her. You can't "keep" anyone that dosent want to be keeped, you need to understand that. You know how painful her actions are for you, please don't consiter doing that to her, yourself, or anyone else. I'm sorry hat happened to you. Good luck
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