A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I had been married 17 years when my (now ex) husband notified me of his intention to file for divorce through a solicitors email while I was overseas for a week. We had been having a bad time and I had tolerated emotional and some physical abuse for years and had no children by him - but this was the first I heard of his plans. He never even spoke to me again after that email. I returned to find my home emptied etc. He hurried through a divorce and left me with very little. I was forced to re-locate several times and lost my job and some friends in the process. My family is not close and offer no support. The whole experience has been immensely stressful and has taken its toll on me physically and mentally. It transpired he had another woman (either that or he met her two weeks after he filed)and married her within 12 months. The reason for my post is that I have no idea how to truly move on from this which happened about 18 months ago. I have tried talking therapy and I even have a loving boyfriend, though he lives miles away, but I just cannot shake the feelings I have towards myself that I am useless and unattractive and that after all the abuse the ex is in some ways still abusing me. I do not live near him but pictures of people I know and of his happy new life still seem to make their way to me - and it is as if I never existed. He looks healthy and happy whereas I look ill and worn out which I am. I would have to become a hermit to avoid any more hurt but I cannot understand how I have struggled to move on and yet he has so easily. I have struggled to find new work and even had one potential employer say no to employing me because at the time he thought my divorce process would cause trouble. I cannot be bothered to socialise because I feel I have so little to say or offer. Please do not suggest a doctor because I will never take anti depressants and I do not consider myself depressed but exhausted and in need of support. It is not fair to expect one person (a long distance boyfriend) to offer that entirely it is too much pressure on us. I think if I could just get one thing in the right direction like work or a stable home all would be well. If anyone has any experience of a similar situation and some good advice of how to move on mentally in particular? I would so much appreciate it. Thank you for reading this.
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depressed, divorce, long distance, move on Reply to this Question
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (23 November 2013):
 You move on by discovering the power of gratitude . You thank heartily your God, or your guardian angel, or just your lucky star, that a very very lucky twist of fate has done for you something that you haven't been able to do for yourself even if you knew you needed it badly : calling it quits- the very first time he laid a hand on you.
Seventeen years of emotional abuse and SOME ( which I take it to mean, more than once ) PHYSICAL abuse ? And you stayed ?? ..
Yeah, it was difficult to just up and leave, easier said than done, there were also good sides in him, etc.etc.etc. I know. All you want, you are granted all the excuses allowances justifications you want. But, when all it's said and done, you still know that by staying with a physical abuser you gave up any self love, any self respect, any dignity, any pride that you had ,right ? ..
Well now, by the unforeseen intervention of some poor girl who does not know any better ( and which you should consider your best friend just for this reason ) you have been released from shameful boundaries. You are not a captive or a victil anymore- because the tormentor kindly removed himself from the scene.
Letting you FREE not only to pursue a better relationship, but also to regain all those things that I have mentioned and that you had given hostage to your marriage. In short, you are not a failure now- you were a failure BEFORE , now you are a success. Or a success in the making :).
A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (22 November 2013):
Hi there. You can only feel like a victim in a situation, if you allow yourself to believe this.
You have a loving long distance boyfriend, and this has it's own set of challenges, for obvious reasons.
To know what is happening in your ex's life, without actually seeing him, can only mean you are visiting Facebook and seeing posts them by him, and some photos as well.
My suggestion here, is to avoid Facebook and any social media like this, as much as possible.
The more you visit social websites like this, the more you torment yourself, needlessly.
And I say this, because you are seeing things there, that you really DON'T want to be seeing, and it is in your face all the time.
And so you are making things very uncomfortable for yourself, without any REAL need to do so.
And what it is really doing, is getting in the way, and PREVENTING you from truly moving on with your life.
You can't change history, and so getting upset over it is counterproductive for you.
It is HARMFUL.
Because, all it does is make you get all angry and upset - for NOTHING.
You are not going back with him, and you don't WANT to go back with him.
You are worth MORE than that.
Much much more.
Don't you believe you deserve better?
Of course you do.
Visiting social websites, only keeps you locked into the past.
And it totally PREVENTS you from ever moving forward with your life, in any meaningful way.
You can do nothing about how he has moved on with his life.
You can have no control over this, whatsoever.
What you DO have control over, is your reaction to this, and that you already know you are worth so much more than what your ex could ever give you.
This is what you have COMPLETE control over.
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A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A +, writes (22 November 2013):
 Although your abuser appears to have moved on, you’re stuck in the past, some 18 months later by playing this over like a cracked record? It’s like being continuously tormented by him and those past demons. In reality you’re keeping yourself a prisoner after you’ve been given a pass to freedom!?
As a victim of his abuse for 17 or so years, I understand you’d find it hard to break this mould, to accept someone giving you support and don’t wish to be diagnosed with depression, when in fact that is clearly the case! So if you deny the reality of your condition where do we go from here?
Do we continue to wallow for the things we cannot change (the Ex and the past), do we continue to feed ourselves negative feelings or do we take (baby) steps towards believing we escaped an abuser, to seek a good shoulder to cry on, revamp our image with a make-over, and find appropriate therapy, all of which do not require antidepressants to achieve?
You are right about one thing and that is;”to at least have one thing going in the right direction”. One being a loving boyfriend!? Secondly each of us deals with these situations differently, whereas you replay the Ex as healthy and happy whilst you have become mentally exhausted etc. If it were I, I too would feel bummed out that he quickly moved on as though I never existed, but I know for a fact I did and do exist and he’ll repeat his behaviour sooner or later with her and I’m now FREE of him – AMEN! So the choice of obliterating that painful episode from your mind is rightly up to you in the way you think about things. Of course that’s always easily said, than done.
For me, don’t just ‘try therapy’ as you say, TAKE THERAPY! From experience, you’re not required to take antidepressants to sit and vent amongst others in a group. That way you don’t have to worry about overloading your boyfriend or work-mates about those feelings, but keep it within this group.
Take Care – CAA
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (20 November 2013):
 While YOU may not consider yourself depressed it sounds like you meet the criteria. Situational depression can be helped by short courses of medications and I’m betting a workup may find you categorized as depressed. Saying NO DOCTORS because I will never take anti-depressants sounds to me like you want to wallow in your self-pity and misery more.
Why would a potential employer even KNOW about your divorce? That’s NOT something that should be asked at an interview and if you mentioned it you are self-sabotaging.
Feeling exhausted is a sign of depression. Feeling sad and being social withdrawn… more signs of depression. Depression does not make you weak… it’s a chemical imbalance. IF you needed glasses you would wear them right? If you needed insulin for diabetes you would take it correct? So why would you NOT take anti-depressants to up your serotonin when it’s lower than it should be?
MY advice:
see your internist. get a complete medical work up to rule out any medical conditions other than depression that could be causing your exhaustion. IF there are no medical reasons for your exhaustion and other feelings, the underlying cause may be a lower serotonin level than is normal. Consider that a short term course of appropriate serratonin raising meds may be called for. yes they are called anti-depressants or mood stabilizers but there is NO shame in having a chemical imbalance is there?
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (20 November 2013):
 I suggest that you go to a "beauty parlor".... get a manicure, pedicure and a facial..... then, look in the mirror and say to yourself: "Well.... he WAS a total a$$hole... and I really AM lucky to be rid of the cretin...." Then, to on with your life.....
As for his new bride.... thank your lucky stars that she is not you.... and that you won't have to put up with his lying and cheating... EVER AGAIN!!!!!
Sometimes, there really IS a silver lining inside a thundercloud!!!!
Good luck....
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A
male
reader, M Proops +, writes (20 November 2013):
Your ex sounds like a bum to me and a complete coward,he couldn't tell it to your face even.Clearly he didn't love you and had planned to do this.You must blank this creep from your mind or at least try to,he's not worth worrying about.Don't stay at home moping,get out and socialise or something to occupy your mind.I suppose a long distance boyfriend is not ideal for you but you have to be positive.Good luck to you.
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