A
female
age
30-35,
*inkbunni3xz
writes:My bf and I have been going out for almost 7 months now. I've never gone through his stuff before but he left his phone behind today and I got curious. I honestly wasn't expecting anything, maybe just a couple messges from his girl-friends. What I found was that he had an account on "Tinder". I've never used it before but I did see there were four messages. One said "Hey cutie, how are you?" the other 3 just said "Hello". I'm not 100% sure if he sent them because there was no reply. So I'm unsure if that was sent to him or he sent it. I'm pretty certain it was him though. "Hey cutie" message was from Aug..but the other 3 were all within the last week. I'm debating whether or not I should even bring it up. I know at the certain point in a relationship, guys start to get bored and then starts messaging girls or looks at girls for whatever reason. I'm just wondering what's his intention with messaging those girls. "Harmless flirting", I don't even like that term. Is it too much to ask that a guy remain faithful and just be so into his woman that he doesn't seek attention from others? Another reason I don't want to bring it up is because if I do, I'm pretty sure my relationship is on the line since there is an exchange of distrust. Me going through his phone and him messaging other chicks for whatever reason. It would be nice to hear point of view from other men
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (20 November 2013):
 Pinkbunni3xz you said “I know at the certain point in a relationship, guys start to get bored and then starts messaging girls or looks at girls for whatever reason.”
UMMM… NO that’s not how adult relationships work. My husband may look at other women but he comes home to me at night and he does not message other women..;.. EVER unless it’s work or gaming related and then I know about it. He may be settled in the relationship, he may be bored, he may be a lot of things but cheating on me by going behind my back on a dating site is NOT what he would do. ADULTS do not lie to or and cheat on their partners.
It’s been a mere 7 months… there is not much of a relationship there to ruin… I’d cut my losses and leave… and telling him why will not change him. HE will change when he meets someone he truly loves. YOU are not the girl for him based on his behavior.
A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (20 November 2013):
 I'd never heard of Tinder before this post so I looked it up and I have to agree with the others. It's a dating/hook up site. And you have to have Facebook to be able to use it.
Even if he'd set up an account before he started dating you, he should have deleted it once the two of you became serious. If things didn't work out for some reason he could just as easily set up a new one.
When were the messages sent?
It's not enough that we do the right thing. We must also be SEEN to be doing the right thing. Our good character and sound judgment should be obvious. People shouldn't have to rely solely on trust in their dealings with us.
So having even a dormant account on a dating website when you have a girlfriend who might discover it casts suspicion on his character and judgment.
Your boyfriend's account appears to be active. And why is he seeking attractive women 'friends'? Why not guy friends?
Regardless of how cute and innocent some try to make it sound, flirting is how we show someone we're interested and available. So if you're not interested and available then you're creating confusion and someone is going to end up hurt. Nothing cute about that.
I don't think your boyfriend would have an answer good enough to justify this to my satisfaction so I wouldn't even bother with a discussion. I'd send him a very brief email making reference to his Tinder user name, wishing him all the best in his search for attractive women 'friends' and cut him completely out of my life. Then do my grieving in private.
You're not me though so you do whatever you think best.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (20 November 2013):
 I wouldn't normally.... but - for you - I'll let you in on a couple of secrets about guys.
1. There is no such thing a "harmless flirting"... ALL flirting is undertaken with one (and ONLY one) thought in mind... that is, to get a girl to put out!!!!
2. When a guy has THREE girls communicating with him... he is not required to be nice to any of them... since he has a surplus and can be cavalier about such matters. You, incidentally, are girl No 4!!!!!
3. If/when one of the girls finds out about 1 or more of the others (as you have), he will exhibit incredulity at that discovery... and will say something like: "I lent my phone to one of my buddies down at the pub... and I think he was calling his girlfriend...." SUUUUuuure!!!!
What you've learned, is that you are at the inception of the dumping that you must visit upon this guy, who is playing you. Sorry.
Good luck...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2013): Tinder is a dating/hookup app. He is cheating. Definitely.
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A
female
reader, Eyespy17 +, writes (20 November 2013):
You're worried he's getting bored at 7 months?!? He shouldn't be.
And if he's On tinder - that's a hookup site. He's not
Committed to you. at the very least keeping his options open
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A
male
reader, M Proops  +, writes (20 November 2013):
In any relationship honesty is the best policy.Do you think he's serious about you?He's already set the alarm bells going in your mind.As a bloke I think he's stringing you along.Do you know anything of his past history?
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (20 November 2013):
 Is tinder a dating site?
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (20 November 2013):
I'm not certain what tinder is. However, if you're certain it was your boyfriend who messaged those girls, it's pretty certainly inappropriate.
Do you know for sure he doesn't know them at all? If they are friends, it would be a completely different story. But if you're sure they're random women, it's shady. Once again, not knowing what tinder is makes me naive to if he would know them or not. simply saying hello to people you know isn't inappropriate. And to me, neither is saying hey cutie. But strangers? That's inappropriate.
No, asking for a guy to be faithful and not talk/flirt with other women is definitely not too much to ask. Of course it's not. It's not just something "guys do" that you should just get over and put up with. It's unacceptable behavior for a relationship, regardless of gender. It doesn't give guys a free pass to be disrespectful and cross boundaries of trust just because they are just merely being "men."
However, you need to be sure he wrote the messages. Because if they wrote him and he didn't respond, it would prove he's not interested in them and completely faithful to you. Know what I mean? So that's definitely important. So is there a way to find out for sure who wrote them?
You say you've been together for seven months. this would mean you got together roughly around April. This means he was potentially flirting with other women four months into your relationship - which is when you're supposed to be in the honey moon stage still. That's crap. And he's still doing it. Even worse. You need to decide if a relationship with a man who wishes to talk and flirt with random women over the internet is the type of relationship you okay with. It wouldn't be for me!!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2013): I'd chuck you for going through anything of mine.
I am a flirtatious person but I am loyal and would never cheat. I don't message woman online because I prefer to meet them in person and to get to know them as friends before I would have them as a girlfriend.
But yes, if they betrayed me or didn't trust me or listen to me, I'd chuck them in a heartbeat. I expect the same that I give and I give my heart, soul, and energies.
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