A
male
age
41-50,
*luecollar
writes:I am a construction worker in Australia, which at the moment means working away from home. A lot. Recently i came home while my wife was out, and my curiosity got the better of me, and i looked in my wifes' bedside table top drawer where i found a vibrator.Now I was nothing other than stimulated about this find, as my wife does not like to talk about sex, and has pet words for everything, wheras i am quite open with her, and wishes she was the same with me. I did tell her that I found the vibrator, but she told me that her friend from 9 years ago gave it to her, and she had never used it, but the batteries still had full power. It just sucks to me that she is embarrassed about me finding it, as we used to often send photos and short movies of ourselves to each other , being so far away from each other.How can I stop her from being embarrassed about having a vibrator, when i have seen her masturbate? Is there a moral difference using a vibrator? How do I let her know that her sexual gratification is the most important thing to me, even when i am not there?
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female
reader, ihavetoomanythoughts +, writes (15 February 2013):
 You're so sweet :) Anyway, if you want this vibrator be in on the action between you and your wife, you might suggest to her that it's a real turn on for you. If she still feels uneasy about it then you just don't mention it again. But do let her know that you're glad (that's not the same as giving her permission to use a vibrator) that she's taking care of herself.
A
female
reader, Seabreezes  +, writes (15 February 2013):
When you are home, suggest that you use it together while you are being intimate, as you find it to be highly arousing. The may release some of her inhibitions or stigmas.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (14 February 2013):
 Some people are just very embarrassed about things like vibrators, even people who are very comfortable about sex in general.
A friend of mine refuses to buy one in case someone finds it after she dies, when the house is being cleared away. She feels embarrassed about people being shocked after she's gone.
I think it's best not to bring it up again. She knows that you know, she knows you're comfortable about it - but it's obviously too personal for her to share with you at the moment.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (14 February 2013):
 you can't stop her from being embarrassed it's who she is
as for your giving her "permission" to have a vibrator... WOW.. do you really think it matters what you think or say or do? I know you don't see it as giving permission you just want her to know you are ok with it... but clearly she has one and does not care if you are ok with it or not... so why does it matter so much to you that she accepts that you are ok with it?
why did you suddenly get this curiosity... what changed?
why is your wife's masturbatory behavior so important to you?
I have no clue how my husband masturbates.. he's very private about it... yes i would love to be involved with him doing it, but that does not work for him. I respect his need to keep him masturbation private... although sometimes I will ask him if he needs me or if he "took care of himself"
he knows I do it also... frequently and how I do it and yet he rarely asks if I do it (and I'm pretty much a daily kind of girl)...
there are some things folks do not like to discuss with others...
sadly in our house we will sooner discuss pooping than masturbation and we have no children at home.... so it's not like I have a kid potty training or something.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (14 February 2013):
Why do you need to say anything at all? If she is aware that you know she has a vibrator, presumably if you weren’t okay with it you’d say? Some people just don’t get out of the habit of being embarrassed to talk about these things. Don’t make a point of discussing it just because you feel you have to bring it up. Your silence and not making an issue out of it or making a point of asking her about it, will tell her you don’t mind.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (14 February 2013):
 Heh, my husband is a lot like your wife and uses pet names for everything as well. The talking about that stuff makes some people feel...for a lack of a better word...oogy.
If you've already told her you're okay with it, then that's all you need. She doesn't have to use it in front of you...it's a part of her private sexuality. Sometimes it just takes time for people to open up on certain subjects.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (14 February 2013):
 If you're fine with your wife owning a vibrator and using it when you're not around then you shouldn't have said anything.
Your wife is obviously very private and reserved. That doesn't mean she's broken and needs fixing. She may have been more adventurous before, but that was probably because of the geopraphy between you. She feels safer at a distance.
Forcing your wife into the spotlight is not going to make her more confident and comfortable. And forcing intimacy does not inspire one to open up.
My advice is show her she can trust you by respecting her space even when she isn't around to guard it. And treat the vibrator as 'no big deal' you claim it is by not mentioning it again. Let her have whatever pleasure she gets from it without trying to make a spectacle of her. THAT is ultimately what will put her at ease.
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