A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm only 20 and in my first real relationship. We have been dating for 2 and a half years but he is 27 and has a kid. The thing is he always freaking calls his baby mama and what's worse anything she asks for she gets its horrible I don't know what to do not only that but he never has the balls to say no!. It's really hard for me because he is my first love but I'm not sure i can do this anymore. Today is valentines day and she decides to drop the kid off with us and he couldn't stand up for us or me and ask her to watch him just until after our date at least. Is this how boyfriends with kids all are or is mine just stuck on his baby mamas ass?? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2013): You should break up with him because he is someone who has no boundaries. People with no boundaries are people who will take you on a roller coaster ride because they are unreliable and easily manipulated. This will lead to disloyalty as you've already seen. He may not intend to be disloyal, he just is.
So, break up with him as he isn't relationship -material.
I also think women should not date men who already have children because of precisely this. Because they have kids, she is his family and will never go away. Look for someone you can start your own family with, not someone who already has a (broken and dysfunctional) family that will always be with him.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (14 February 2013):
 Do they have a LEGAL child support and visitation agreement?
IF not, then she may be taking advantage of him... I've seen it with women who think they can bully the dad into watching kid so they can do what they want.
if they do then are they both sticking to the agreement?
IF they do not have a legal agreement, then they need to get one.. it will spell out visitation and child support payments.
you don't say how old this child is... but for kids part of adapting well to parents being separate is structure and routine....
for example when my kids were 3 and 5 and their dad and I separated he got them at first tuesday and thursday for dinner and then every other weekend... the kids knew... if it was thursday dinner was with daddy... and they knew which weekend they were with each parent... as they got older their routines with their friends were... "well I can't this weekend I'm with my dad"
BUT part and parcel of dating a man with a child is accepting that the child's needs often come first. If he was a custodial dad (say mom had died) you would have this child 24/7.... what would you have done tonight in that case?
simple you would do what MOST parents do on valentines day... order a pizza and stay home and do homework...
after kids are asleep then you and man can connect if you feel up to it.
While she may be taking advantage of him, it's NOT your place to determine that or criticize ... this is supposedly the man you love and this CHILLD has his DNA and is a part of him.
my rule when dating seriously with small kids... we are a package deal... you want me, you get my kids. if you can't deal with it...date a person without children.
I think you will find that most parents will put the child's needs before that of a partner....
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (14 February 2013):
 You ask: "Is this how boyfriends with kids all are or is mine just stuck on his baby mamas ass??"
It's kind of noble that he exhibits a bit of "fatherhood" tendencies in his behaviour.... BUT, he needs to remember that he and "baby mama" are NO LONGER an "item" and he has an "item" friend (you!!!) to whom he owes greater loyalty....
Ask him how HE sees the two of you (women) and ask him what are his priorities.... IF you are a distant second to NOT ONLY his child, but his "baby mama".... then you will have learned all you need to know.... You're second or third place.... and that's not a nice place to be....
Good luck...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2013): "Is this how boyfriends with kids all are or is mine just stuck on his baby mamas ass??" No, this is how responsible fathers who put their children's interests ahead of their own all are and your boyfriend just happens to be a loving father who welcomes and embraces any opportunity to see a child with whom he does not live full time. Sorry, but when you get involved involved with a single father it's always a package deal including baby mama and the kid should always come first ahead of new girlfriend. If you're this immature, selfish and resentful then you're in a no-win situation and your relationship is doomed.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2013): Thanks for your answers, I understand being a father is full time and i love his son it's not about being a father it's about respecting how I feel when it comes to his baby mama but you guys really helped happy valentines day
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (14 February 2013):
Sounds like you're being selfish to me.
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (14 February 2013):
If you date someone with children, total the number of children they have and add one to it. Thats the number you come in. That included everything about their child, including their mothers/fathers. If thats not ok w you, dont date ppl w children.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (14 February 2013):
 If you date a guy with a kid, then there will always be an association with his child's mom. This is baggage you either have to accept or leave him over.
He doesn't say no because he loves his child. If she's asking for things that have to do with their child, she's within her rights doing so.
If she's asking for things that do NOT have to do with the child, then there should be questions. His relationship with her should be a civil business relationship between parents with the child always being everything to do with it. Having dinners out together or his spending time enjoying her company are out of bounds.
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (14 February 2013):
 *mean to say 365 there!
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (14 February 2013):
You have given very little information on what he does and examples of situations with the baby mama so its hard to answer this question.
Is it unreasonable for her to drop the child off with its father on a Thursday? No not at all, however it does depend on why she couldnt look after the child today. If she was being spiteful and wanted to ruin your date, then no thats not ok and your boyfriend should have said something. However if she had to go to work or an appointment of some kind, then of course the child should go to its father to be looked after.
Being a father is full time, 7 days a week, 356 days a year. Just because it is Valentines Day doesnt mean he gets a day off from being daddy, and it is very immature and unreasonable of you to expect that he can send his child away just because it is Valentines Day. The child will always come first, and you have to accept that or leave.
You could be grown up about this and simpy stay in tonight rather than going out for your date, cook a meal at home with some good food and drink, candles....you can make it romantic even with the baby at home. Once the baby has gone to bed you will have time to yourselves and can be as romantic as you want. Valentines day shouldnt be about spending money and being sickly sweet romantic, it should just be about spending time together.
But I really cant comment on anything else in your relationship, you have given one example of your problem today and I have answered that but I definitely cant say if your boyfriend is 'stuck on his baby mamas ass'.
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