A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:BIG DILEMMA.My LDR boyfriend who has been chatting me up non-stop everyday is coming to visit me next month. His plans according to him is to hopefully meet my parents, discuss his plans to relocate and scout around my town for business and future job opportunities so he has taken leave for a month and a week.What I don't understand as excited as I am is the nervous feelings i'm getting. My God I am worrying myself so much about everything that I think I am going to have a nervous breakdown.I've been hurt in a closer LDR relationship before so I am so hesitant with this guy who I met through a mutual friend. We have been on a date before and that's all the memories I have of him here with me.This is the first time we are actually going to do things together as a couple.What I don't like is the pressure. He is leaving all arrangements and plans to me to take care of including deciding what week we are traveling to Canada to go see his sister.In my mind, he should be the one stepping up as a man to woo me atleast on his first visit. I understand his excuse that he doesn't live here. But he is the man and I am more vulnerable than he is in this situation. He should be proving his worthiness to me.How do I express myself without sounding like he hasn't done enough to purchase a ticket to come see me and losing some pay days to see his babe. How do I not sound like a spoilt brat?Help!
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTiny, you are a rare gem and a good man for waiting. My guy and I started talking about sex earlier since his mind is made up he is marrying me. We have shared deep secrets. We talk everyday hrs upon hrs at times. He's a believer in Christ. He does have a child and I'm ok with that now.
As far as sex he's told me in his past he's loved lots of women and he loves sex so much. But since we met he has told me the only woman he wants to be intimate with is me. I've been practicing celibacy since my last failed relationship. I wished he will wait like you until marriage. But looking at things we will have sex on this trip. Like your wife, I've told him unless I'm comfortable and feel wooed and warmed by him we may not have sex. For a month and a week I doubt if we can withhold sex. If it was two weeks I can see how that's not enough time to go there.
As far as meeting the family, I've only told my mom, sister and brother about him. God must want this meeting because my brother just called from Texas that he's coming home during the President s holiday so it's just perfect that my family will meet him. And I get to meet his sister in Canada. He gets to meet his friends to discuss business and relocation since he has a few with such experience.
Well I will keep you posted about this meeting that got me intense and worried. I hope my LDR story end up a s successful as yours.
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male
reader, tinybutnotfangless  +, writes (10 October 2014):
 The thing with long distance relationships/romance is that it is unorthodox. What normally people can do on a day to day, to week basis on dates and dinners, we cannot do in LDRs. So we need to rely on will power, massive consideration, compromise and to be clear headed. As for your worry that you sounded desperate, again, I don't know anything about your boyfriend, but if I were to take a hunch at this, I would say you didn't sound desperate at all. At least to me you don't. If I was in the shoes of your boyfriend, I would in fact be pretty appreciative of what you've done and is trying to do. Time will tell whether he does really appreciate and prioritize you in his life.As for my experience, you're correct. She never came to see me. Here's something that may 'wow' you even more. The first time I went there was the beginning of April 2012. Her family: grandma, grandpa, mom, sister, three aunts and their cousins, etc were all meeting up for an Easter gathering of sorts. My wife at the time, was still my girlfriend and she told her mom she couldn't go to the gathering. Of course, the mom was suspicious and eventually the story broke out. My girlfriend was panicking like crazy, super stressed and had anxiety attacks.Before she imploded with more panic, I made it easy for her and told her that I would love to see her family. So she made the arrangements to take me to her family gathering the day after I arrived. Fortunately, everyone took a liking to me. Her mom on the other hand was very cautious. She was easy to warm up to though. Would have been better if I could speak German. ^_^Everything worked out. Although it was only for two weeks, it felt like all we did physically together was 'catching up' on what we 'should have been doing' anyway. The emotional and intellectual bond was there. I didn't have sex for almost three years because I told myself that she was worth the wait. We did talk about sex before I went there the first time. She told me she wanted me to 'woo her' and 'warm up to her' before she decides to sleep with me. That's why your original question about 'wooing' caught my attention, even if it was about something different. She told me it might take a couple of days at least. I told her that sex isn't as important than just to be there with her and explore the facets of her and her environment. She even told me there was a possibility we wouldn't have sex. Well, let's just say, I didn't get to do much wooing or warming up to. She jumped on me, the first evening I got there. ^_^
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow Tiny, you only met her once? And she never came to see you? Wow your story inspires me. Here I'm over thinking trying not to make mistakes. Yes I made a compromise by settling to pay for our Canada trip so that solves my worry. I've decided everything else will be planned when he gets here. I was just a little bothered when he Said "you're acting like a wife already. I love u" after I told him to just take care of the rental car and hotel since I paid for the airfare. I hope I didn't act desperate there.
Tiny, what about sex? Did you have sex on your first trip or after your marriage on second trip?
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reader, tinybutnotfangless +, writes (10 October 2014):
I think at this point, you're over thinking things. I don't know you, but if it was me or my wife, both of us would have done what we each felt needed to be done and just get on with the trip. My motto in many things in life is: choose the path of least resistance. Whether he pays, you pay, I pay, she pays, why don't we leave it at? Your original worry was that you felt he should taken a 'traditional approach', but it seems you have taken a compromise and what's important now is what happens when he finally arrives. Something I have learned from my wife is if there are still things that are on her mind, like the niggly little tidbits that kind of annoy her, she will write them down, then brush it aside until everything has settled down. She may or may not bring it up again in the future if she felt it was worth the effort. She told me that sometimes the things that bother her isn't really a problem with me, but just that she's anal in some things and being anal in some things isn't always a good talking piece between people. Though I would encourage her to.All of this comes down to team work and team consideration. Also, 50/50 doesn't always mean half/half. The whole "50/50" just means knowing when and how to complement each others needs and wants. So this involves a lot of open communication, reading each other and know when and how to act on things.Oh by the way, just as a side note. I was in a long distance relationship with my wife, before we got married. We met online in 2010. I live in Metro Vancouver, in western Canada and she lives in Northern Germany. I flew out to see her in 2012 for 2 weeks, then flew out again in 2013 for 2 weeks to get married to her in front of her family of 45 or so people. On my side, my best man who was my childhood best friend and his dad who arranged the flights. If you think Canada and USA is far, try western Canada and Germany. ^_~
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionEspecially his statement "you are acting like a wife already" got me thinking hmm.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just saw a cheap tickets and bought two for us to go see his sister. I told him and he asked me how much? I told him I took care of it and he can take care of car rental and hotel. Was this a good move in my part? Should I have let him pay?
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reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (8 October 2014):
Dear OP,
My advice is, take a deep breath. If you feel under pressure, then first maybe strive for less than offering him the most perfectly organized 5 weeks of his life. Leave some room open for improvisation. You've been only on one date before, so it strikes me as weird that your second "date" will last 5 weeks and include making such big future plans. But this may not even be due to his plans to use you.. it might as well just be a weird idea of his and yours about romance and relationships. Maybe set the expectations a little lower? And communicate this to him before his arrival?
He seems to be trying hard to woo you, getting in contact every day, wanting to meet your family etc. I can understand he wants to let you organize the stay, as it's true, he knows the place less than you do. It's okay to be old-fashioned.. but I'm more on the 50/50 side. If you've been used, you haven't experienced 50/50 yet.
You have 5 weeks to get to know this guy, and also later, you don't sign a marriage contract just because he visits you. If he's an a**hole, he won't be able to hide that for long. And you are always free to throw him out of your apartment, so he can stay the rest of the time in a hotel-if it comes to the worst.
My advice is to really think what you want from him.. to make up for an old relationship? He won't be able to do that, to compensate for all the hurt. But you can say to yourself that this time, you will also address your needs, so you won't be exploited. To be wooed is very subjective, because sometimes, us women don't see when we are being wooed, because we have very rigid ideas about how a man should express his love. Maybe observe him, how he treats you when he's there. If you can see signs he's really serious about you.
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reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 October 2014):
 I don't think you have offended anybody here and you surely haven't offended me , OP- all I am saying , is : he is coming into your turf , ... and he is supposed to show YOU around and entertain you and organize stuff ?
How does that make sense ?
I am sure that if YOU'd go to visit him in his country / city / neighborhood, he would not mind to do that for you and take charge of the visit.
But, as long as you chose to have him come over... he is just taking it in the more normal way.
P.S. : you are not concerned about being used for a Green Card . OK, OP- you trust your guts, and I'll trust your guts too - if you say you've got nothing to worry, I believe you.
But, just for the sake of logic : how his intention of relocating to your country , before even knowing you- would make things better ( IF he had the shady intentions that he does NOT have, Ok. ) If any , it would be worse ! It would mean that he has not found a faster / simpler way to make it happen so far , and finding an American future bride could be a godsend for him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks all for keying in. First let me see the last of my concern is this man is using me for a stay. He was planning relocation before he met me. It was either the US or Canada. I also got that info from his friend before we met. So that's everyone's concern not mine. I understand that it's possible though but I'm not worried about that. I'm the one actually bent on him relocating faster than planned if he wants me to take this LDR serious. He is the one that proposed the first visit so as not to insult me and also because he thinks a face to face is more realistic. Who knows he could come here and we both decide this is not what we want. But I just think he's taking this initiative to start and kick off our what if situation.I am not a fan of LDR. I don't want it and he knows that. I've also been heartbroken before by doing way too much planning and thinking for my relationships in the past. That I'm trying to change.So my nerves is kicking in because I don't want a repitition of my mistakes which I fear I may not be able to control all in the sake of having fun and showing him a good time.I just would have preferred he did everything on this trip and have me trust his intentions that he really wants to be with me and he's different from other guys who took advantage of me.Tiny sorry if I was offensive by saying a man should prove his worthiness but I used to be a traditionalist where the man ayleast for the first few dates wooed his woman. The minute I started believing in that modern 50/50 my whole world came a tumbling. Now I'm taking it back to the basics.
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reader, CindyCares +, writes (8 October 2014):
I am not sure what's your complaint about exactly .
He did book his flight , departure and return. And I suppose he is staying at your place during his visit. Or else, he will have already arranged his accomodation elsewhere.
What else is he supposed, to do during his stay in a foreign country which he does not know ? Book good restaurants, organize sightseeing trips ?.. That would be up to you, as the resident citizen, regardless of which gender.
As for the trip to Canada, of course he has to let you choose. If the whole point is that you can tag along , YOu are the one who knows when it will be the best time, when you can take days off work, when your trip won't clash with previous engagements etc. , what gender has got to do with it ?...
Frankly, what I'be concerned instead ( and I know that you did not ask about that , but , since we are at it... ) is his talk of relocating and living together after ONE in person date- that's romantic but reckless , and ,pardon me, a bit absurd. You don't even know if it would be feasible in practice, USA are ( rightly so ) very stingy and strict with their work visas - and nearly as much with their business visas. It's easy to say " oh I'll transfer my business to USA " or " I'll just open up something ", in practice there are 1001 terms and conditions to observe which, moreover, do not apply in the same way to all the people from all countries.
Of course life gets easier in this sense for who marries an American citizen, so, if I were you, I'd check that his enthusiasm about you is not actually an enthusiasm about getting legal resident status in USA. This is prudence, not paranoia- tons of smart ,educated people before you have been taken in about this ,with the excuse of ardent love. Just saying. Better safe than sorry.
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reader, tinybutnotfangless +, writes (8 October 2014):
He isn't just purchasing a ticket to go see you. He is making plans to move there and start up a new life with you there. The only thing you have to do is show him around. Often times, individuals in a relationship need not only look at the immediate actions of the other person to see the effort they are putting into it. They also must look at the actions that make up the long term effects. Personally I have an issue with what you said, "...but he is a man and I am more vulnerable than he is in this situation. He should be providing his worthiness to me."Please forgive me if I sound offensive, but what are you doing to show your worthiness to him? Prior to my wife and I getting married, the biggest thing I had expressed to my wife in terms of effort in a relationship is that each person must be considerate of each others short and long term needs and wants. That each person must recognize and often come to a middle ground. If one person decides that he or she is walking too far over the middle line to keep the relationship together, then that is when it's time to bring up the issue. Otherwise if all your boyfriend is doing is leaving the day to day activities for you to plan, I do not see the problem.Alas, even though I said that, ultimately, this is a problem for you. So disregarding my overall perspective, maybe the thing you could do is make a compromise and ask him to plan out the dates where he wants to see your parents and your sister, while you make the other arrangements? Also, another thing is, don't jump the gun on what he may or may not be doing to 'woo you' while he's there. Let's focus on the planning first.
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reader, MSA +, writes (8 October 2014):
 My first concern is, isn't it too soon to talk about relocating? You mentioned this is only your second date.. would it be wiser to give it some time before having him relocate?
In regards to planning places to visit, it really isn't important who does more research or has more ideas.. what is important is that you both brainstorm ideas together and decide together. If he's not taking the initiative, you propose some places and ask his thoughts and feedbacks on it. Suggest placed you like to go and also places he likes. If you don't know what he likes then this is a great opportunity to ask and get to know him better.
Have a great time!
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2014): just break up with him. case closed.
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