A
female
age
36-40,
*rato143
writes: I've recently starting dating this great guy last Sunday (almost 2 weeks. We've been talking since the end of Nov). We've seen each other almost every day since then. I've connected with him so well right off the bat better than most other men I've known (usually takes me at least a month or so before I can tell if I like a guy). He says he same too and feels we're on the same wavelength. I'm not looking for a 'casual' thing because that's all I've had for the past year (with some heart ache). I made it clear to him that I don't want to be strung along and used. He says he understands that however that we're just in the 'dating' stage now and wants to see how things will go. He explained how all his ex gf's were very controlling and extremely jealous meanwhile they all cheated on him (and that he can't be under a lot of stress because of medical reasons). I'm not like that. I've never cheated once and I'm so devoted to whoever I'm with EVEN if we're not in a relationship. I'm the kind of person who learns from my mistakes (which thankfully haven't been that bad, knock on wood lol) and tries my best not to make them again. I've learned the worst thing I can do is hurt the person I care about so how could I betray him that way? How do I help him to realize I AM different? I really like him a lot and want things to work out. I get it hasn't been that long at all, however I'm not going to wait around forever.
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female
reader, Erato143 +, writes (24 December 2007):
Erato143 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell he called me last night. Said he feeling really crappy (had a really bad headache) and went straight to bed after work. I already had plans to go out and he just wanted to rest so we agreed to get together later. He called me just now to tell me he was heading into town to see a friend he hadn't seen in a while. He said I would come if I want but I didn't feel like interfering so I just told him to call me later. I just hope he's not trying to 'let me down easy' or something like that.
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (22 December 2007):
 Good for you, Erato. A Mexican cartoonist said once that "opportunities are bald ladies you need to catch by the hair". So is good love. You need to be able to see when it is there. If you don't, you can't expect the other person to wait for you forever.
I'm sure you will find someone else. And I commend you on your being committed to one single person, even if that person isn't having a true relationship with you at the moment.
Cheers!
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A
female
reader, Erato143 +, writes (22 December 2007):
Erato143 is verified as being by the original poster of the question"Well then if you know he likes you why do you have to prove anything to him??? Maybe I don't understand the question..." So he'll want to have a relationship with me. We are just dating now, that's all. However I called him today (been a few) just to see if he wanted to hang. I haven't heard back from him and it's 2:30 am. I'm not calling him again and if he doesn't have a really good reason I'm done. I'm not going to fret over another guy. He finds ONE girl that is actualy willing to be devoted to him and he pulls away. So screw him.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (22 December 2007):
I agree with Leonard and with the anonymous female poster. You just need to be yourself, let him see who you really are, and take your chances. Some people won't see who you are, but what they want to see, and that hurts like hell; but these people are not worth the effort, anyways, as they will never see the real YOU.
I believe in being frank, open, straightforward, even blunt if that lets you see clearly. What I would do, if I were you, is simply say that it's wrong of him to think you're bad only because all his previous girls were. I would also ask him how he would feel if he let a good girl go because of what a bad girl did in the past. I believe that aiming right at the heart is best.
If he keeps on doubting you, you're right: you can't wait forever.
Anonymous female poster, I wish you had told us who you are, so I could commend you in a special message.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2007): Well then if you know he likes you why do you have to prove anything to him??? Maybe I don't understand the question...
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A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (21 December 2007):
 your right, at times they are a waste. The reason i brought it us is all though things were done to you, the pain from that still exists.
I've been doing research on cheating and the affects of. My research is based on two areas the act (trauma) and the perception (perceived trauma). All though the end result has not yet been complete. I'll share with you a quick summary of what I have come up thus far.
Our brains view trauma as trauma with no separation of the source or cause of it. When someone gets into a car accident, then later they pass the same intersection or place the accident happened the feelings of fear return, all though no threat is present for another accident. The same with cheating. Instead of pinning the event to the person who took part in the act, the perception of fear gets attached to "relationship" its self. All though the threat is no longer there, the new person comes in and our brains trigger the perception or perceived threat. You may have no intentions of cheating on him, but his brain, being hurt in past relationships, create a fear based on the past pain.
The key is to separate the pain and perception. This is what i'm working on. I'm trying to get people to see cheating as a choice that someone makes. If someone cheats on you, that's a choice they made. It's also a choice we don't want them to make but everyone has the right to make their own choices. Your choice then is to forgive the act as being a choice and giving another chance, or forgive the act as a choice and decided for yourself (make your choice) to move on and not be with that person.
In a way we make the choice to allow past relationships to affect future ones. I look at it as a child. We don't want to get hurt. Learning growing up we learn many lessons on not getting hurt. A child puts his hand on a hot burner, how many times does he have to to do that to understand, it hurts and I don't want to do that again. If you take the child to the hot burner but now it's cold because the stove is off, the child is still going to walk up to it and slowly try because his mind has already triggered the realization of the pain he received when it was hot.
So when talking about the past with him and his fears. The best thing to do is ask him to leave the word relationship and ex out of the conversation. When speaking about cheating and who did it, have him call her by name. Ex still symbolizes relationship. If we can, with full heart and power, focus on the individual who cheated, and come to full understanding that it was them, and a relationship can't cheat, a relationship doesn't cause pain. You hear people many times, I was in a bad relationship. No, you were in a relationship but with a person who didn't treat you right. By doing this I believe it will be possible to separate the act of cheating and pin that act directly on the person who did it. That way the new person, who has not given us any reason to distrust them, will be treated fairly and with the respect they deserve, and not as a future perceived cheater.
I hope this works better for you in understanding how this happens and what can be done to change the picture of future relationships.
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A
female
reader, Erato143 +, writes (21 December 2007):
Erato143 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know he likes me. He told me himself and he wouldn't ask to see me as often as he does if he didn't. Nor would he have shared such personal details about himself and his life. Now I do agree with the advice about not pressuring, which is what I'm trying not to do. But I have to say, if you really like someone of course you're going to be disappointed if it doesn't work out. Maybe some people can go through life without feeling but I can't. Yes I have dated and was fine when it didn't work out. I'm still friends with one of them (I didn't feel too much for him. That's why). But I am naturally a highly sensitive (and empathetic) person. I don't expect anyone to understand. But don't ask me to do something that is impossible for myself. If I took that advice totally seriously I would never be on a date again in my life, I know that for sure. I've been single for a few years now (besides casually dating some and what not. Which I am over now) and have gone through a lot. I have had a ton of time to reflect on myself and figure out what I want. I know who I am as a person but still I cannot help if I get hurt. I can only help who I choose to spend my time with now. I just don't want to be strung along and I think he owes me that. If he can't figure out his own issues he needs to tell me that. I don't want it to be a year down the road and still hoping we'll get into a relationship...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2007): Well sweetie, you know, you guys only just started dating and pressuring him is not going to get you the results that you want.
Look I have been hurt too in relationships. Cheated on. Dumped. Not taken seriously. etc, etc. I too want to be in a relationship that is serious. But even so, I can't pressure guys to take me seriously and to make up their minds about me if they are not ready to. You just don't do that. You gotta let things happen with no pressure.
Dating is a RISK. There is risk involved that he might not reciprocate his feelings, or that he might change his mind about you, or whatever. If you can't handle the risk involved, then you shouldn't be dating. Maybe give yourself time to heal from your past break ups and become a stronger person. When you feel strong enough so that you can handle rejection and be able to just go with the flow and see if things work out with no pressure, and not be too dissappointed when things don't work out, then you can date again.
There are no guarantees in life. Just go with the flow and enjoy it for what it is.
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A
female
reader, Erato143 +, writes (21 December 2007):
Erato143 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI need to clarify. It usually takes me a while to know if a like a guy but it did not take very long with this guy. We just connected that well. And maybe getting some professional help would be good for other people however not for me thanks. I've already had enough experience with them in my life to know they are a waste to me. I think being clear with who I'm with about what I won't tolerate is overcoming it. I never did anything wrong to anyone, they were wrong to me. I also wouldn't ask him to go see anyone. I wouldn't want him to take if offensively because I surely would.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (21 December 2007):
just keep doing what you're doing and not doing what the other ones did.
you both need to work on some personal development. i'm weary about you not knowing if you like them or not until a month. On his side I'm worried about how his past has emotionally affected him. It wouldn't be a bad idea to seek help for each of you to overcome past issues. It will only make your relationship stronger.
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A
male
reader, leonard j, Douglas  +, writes (21 December 2007):
Why don't you just be yourself,if he isn't blind he will see that you'er different. We cannot make those who we really care for like us,that must come from how we relate to them in a loving, caring way. Have a wonderful Christmas,and a Happy New Year. Love and Best wishes from the Philippines.
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