A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi, need help understanding the male psychology a bit please. There is a guy I met at the pub (35), he was going through divorce and my case is the same. We connected, in his words he was very intrigued by my story and he found me very attractive. We ended up sleeping together in 24 hours. Not at all usual for me but I found myself falling for him; he did notice and backed off feeling he was personally in a messy place and couldn't afford a relationship. I said same here and not least with a guy whose not fond of me for which he clarified he was 'fond'. We slept together once more where he noted I was extremely open with my body and I owned up to previous incidents that make me this way. Gradually he's just cut himself off through replies but short answers, no coffee catchups etc. I really like him and don't want anything from him except just to be in touch and be there for him but not sure how best to get back to that warm affectionate place. Do I leave him alone and back off like I haven't messaged him since 2 days; or do I say hello now and then...please help.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (13 June 2013):
 You really want to find him redeeming features, uh ?:)
He's not " that bad ", he is just not that INTERESTED. Slave to his phone ? bullshit. It's common courtesy. He does not have to answer right away, to drop everything just to answer you - but eventually, he should answer. That's how communication works- between people who are interested in having said communication- friends, lovers, etc.
He does not HATE you, so he does not mind shooting the breeze and being generally pleasant, or maybe even being a bit flirty when you are right under his nose, - anything that takes no intention, no effort. It's normal, I'd say, after all it would take MORE effort being intentionally rude or totally ignoring you.
As for him thinking of you as " easy " -well, that's possible. You know you are not, and this was an exceptional occasion where you felt an exceptional connection- but how does HE know ? all he knows is that you were in bed with him in a matter of hours.
Not that it was necessarily WRONG. You followed your heart, did what you felt was right for you- you don't have to justify it to everybody and his sister. BUT, either you learn to be indifferent to strangers' opinions and reactions- or, if you can't and find that these opinions cut you deeply , you'll have to learn to conform to the prevalent and generally accepted social and sexual "rules ".
A
female
reader, Got Issues +, writes (8 June 2013):
 "when I said you don't reply to messages so I've stopped because its a monologue and he said I just don't like being slave to my phone; you think too much...do you suppose he's not all that bad?"Why would you accept this as an explanation? This is the kind of thing that should make you realise how full of BS this guy is. He's basically saying that he saw your messages but made a conscious decision not to reply to them, and now he's feeding you some crap about not wanting to be a slave to his phone and you believe him. Replying to a couple of text messages has nothing to do with being a slave, it's just common courtesy and takes no time at all. Come on, wake up. He's happy enough stringing you along and he knows you believe everything he says because you want it to be true. He's a total creep and I'm sorry, but you're being a fool for him. He sees right through you, now you have to see through him. You need to cut this guy out of your life forever and not give him another second of your time. It's not ever going to be what you want it to be and you need to deal with that because you're wasting your time and emotions on someone who doesn't care back. He's not sitting around analysing your behaviour, trying to work out whether, despite all your actions to the contrary, you might like him after all. Demand better for yourself in the future.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (8 June 2013):
 Hi
Like he says - you think too much. If he initiated the coffee meet then he just sees you as a mate. He didn't make a move the night before and made jokes about your ex and sex. He isn't bothered about it, maybe he has sex with his ex. He also knows you enjoy sex so assumes as you slept with him easily you probably do it a lot.
Just keep on doing your thing and dating other men,if he wants to persue you he will.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey guys, an interesting turn of events here. Just to clarify I met him at the pub for the first time but it was an office drinks event so we work in the same larger org. So this time I went back to the same city (I was from a different city)..he knew where I was putting up but didn't make a move for sex; instead we met up for a chat over coffee the next day. And things like he made a joke about me getting drunk and possibly sleeping with my ex over a get together for the kids; to which I took offence; he actually said it was a throwaway comment and he's sorry about the hard time my ex gives me. Little things like when i mentioned I have a new boss; he asked if its a man/woman.when I said you don't reply to messages so I've stopped because its a monologue and he said I just don't like being slave to my phone; you think too much...do you suppose he's not all that bad? I just can't believe he would take me as loose coz im not though I did naturally gravitate towards him.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (3 June 2013):
Hi
The pubs not a great place to meet men to be honest, unless you work behind the bar and get to know them slowly.
Its all about being aware, not being easily swayed by men saying the right thing. If a mans interested in a relationship he will take the time to get to know you.
There are men everywhere and it's just a case of getting out there, following your pastimes,meeting like-minded people.Getting your friends involved so they introduce you to decent men is always a good one.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (3 June 2013):
I am afraid you have brought being super gullible from your past into your present.
Not necessarily you can trust that a stranger SAYING things is the same as a stranger MEANING those things.
And it makes sense that , if a person wants something from you FAST ( casual sex, money, selling you the Brooklyn Bridge ) he will try his best to flatter you and to rub you the right way . Oh you are so cool... so smart... so independent... I am so impressed , so awed... I like strong independent business women....
And, what if what he really likes are women who will put out fast, no strings, no questions asked ? He could not very well say exactly what he thinks " I don't give a fuck, I am not particularly impressed or interested, but I want to get laid and you will do just fine for today "? - that would defy his purpose, wouldn't it ?
Take what everybody SAYS with a pinch of salt and let it be backed up and confirmed by their actions.
This may sound like a bitter life vision- I think it's just prudent and rational. I am not particularly paranoid, in fact I am every day thrilled to see how, all in all, in this messy world we live, still generosity wins over greed, concern over indifference, selflessness over selfishness. Good over bad :), in general. Yet, there ARE
selfish, exploitative, callous , " all about me " people around,they aren't that rare . And you have to do your best to spot them . You won't always succeed, at times everybody makes wrong judgement calls, - but you have to TRY at least. Which this time, by jumping in bed with someone just vecause he turned on the charm, you have forgotten to do.
The trick is always the same - time, and consistence. They say they like you, - let them show it to you. They say they appreciate you- let them reinforce it by actions, over a consistent period of time.
Some times the world seems a cold and lonely place and the artificial " warmth " of a selfserving stranger is too powerful a siren song to turn it down. That's OK too - It's ok to have weaknesses , as long as you know what it is you are getting yourself into, and do not have unrealistic ,mismatched expectations about what you can get out of a hasty, artificial ( and drink fueled ? ) "connection".
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much; love your honesty. The past I told him about was one of being used and abused by my husband of many years and being super gullible. I just felt some warmth in a person reaching out to me asking me saying he won't judge me. Infact when I slept with him he tried for me to 'come' and I didn't coz I felt like there wasn't any passion and this was just sex and I told him that. I've stayed socially isolated for many years and just as I step back into society on my own what's a good way to train myself going down that route again?
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (3 June 2013):
Hi
He probably was impressed at first, he maybe likes strong independent women, especially if he has a demanding Ex. But nowadays there are plenty of independent single women with and without children, so he has choice.
You slept with him within 24hrs and he knows you have experience with other men, making you open with your body.
You can't redeem yourself, the deed is done - twice - he sees you differently now, so best thing to do is NOT contact him or expect anything - for your own sake.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (3 June 2013):
 The best way to redeem yourself - for your benefit, not for his - is to stop contacting him or expecting anything from him. That way you don't risk disappointment when you get little or no response from him, you won't lose any dignity, you get to take a step back and see the situation more objectively for what it was (a casual hook up or two), and you leave yourself available for somebody who can give you what you are looking for. X
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2013): It doesn't really matter if he was impressed with you to begin with, the fact is he doesn't seem interested any more. This could easily be due to the fact you slept with him too quickly, but regardless of the reason, I'm afraid there is nothing you can do to change it. In fact, continuing to contact him is likely to have the opposite effect and push him even further away. The ONLY chance you have is to cut all contact and see if he misses hearing from you. If he does he will get in touch, and you can begin communicating again (definitely no sex at this stage though). To be honest though, it sounds like all he was ever after was sex so I wouldn't count on it going any further. Sorry.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks guys, I totally get your point but he was really impressed by me initially like I'm self made; look after my kids, take little or no money from my ex, just everything he was in awe it seemed, I really like him - I may not be able to get it back but what's the best way to try to redeem myself?
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (2 June 2013):
Hi
To be honest I don't think you will. You had sex and that's what he wanted, he knew you gave in easily, knows your history and he's done now.
There is no future with him in any form, unless he makes a booty call when drunk.
Look at it from his point of view, not yours and you will see the reality.
Learn from it, you were ships who passed in the night.
The next man you meet and like, wait. Do not share your history either. Take time to get to know him, if he is interested he will wait for sex and respect you more.
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A
female
reader, Got Issues +, writes (2 June 2013):
You slept with him so soon that you don't actually know him. His "warm usual self" was most likely him turning on the charm so that you would sleep with him. Often when a woman sleeps with a man early on, he takes off, she is left hurt and everybody blames her for being easy and giving the milk away for free. It's never about him being a jerk. This is totally unfair and sexist. However, it's also the way it is, the way people see things. Many guys are looking for sex and once they get it, they aren't interested. Aged 36-40, you KNOW this so you must surely also know that he has now done one. You have two options. You can contact him and see him again, knowing that you'll be doing all the running and he won't love or respect you because he will be using you for sex. Or you can cut him out of your life and never contact him again. I've been in your situation and I chose the former. It was awful, and when I finally found the strength to break the cycle I wished that I'd done it sooner because I wasted so much time, energy and emotion on someone who didn't care.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2013): tell him u love him if u do
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A
female
reader, Queen_mermaid  +, writes (2 June 2013):
Hello,
I think AuntyEm is right. He used you after which he is slowly cutting connections with you. I don't suggest you to contact him as you will more or less be an unwanted thing. Sorry for that...
Yours,
Queen Mermaid
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (2 June 2013):
 'I really like him and don't want anything from him except just to be in touch and be there for him but not sure how best to get back to that warm affectionate place'
Read this again!...it's a massive contradiction!
You don't want anything from him except to be in touch and be there for him...but you want to get back to the warm affectionate place??
You were never in his warm affectionate place...you were the recipient of 'post casual sex' sweet nothings, where he was grateful that you f**ked him after 24 hours!!!
Wake up Honey and smell the coffee!! Everything here is based on the carnal...and the male brain engages the carnal without ever having to engage the emotions!!
He has literally slapped a notice of intent on you!
'I'm going through divorce, I can't afford to get involved but I'll take the shag'...throw in the word 'fond' as a bandage to sooth his guilt and you have the perfect 'No strings scenario'!!!
You also gave him a 'get out clause' by mentioning your ex and previous sexual encounters (which explain your openess about your body)!!!!!!
You need to realise that men are attracted to the profanity, but they want to fall in love with the virginal angel...You practically showed him through actions and words that you are loose!!! (Sex after 24 hours and the aforementioned 'openess'.......sorry but it's true)
The truth is that if you contact him he will come around again for one thing only...sex. If you don't contact him, he will most likely never contact you and you will just be a notch on the bed post. If he does contact you it will most likely be late night, when he is feeling in need of some comfort and like a lot of women you will go running and interpret every word he says as confirmation of his 'love' for you!!
Sorry to be so hard hitting but your words scream out that you are seeing him through rose tinted spectacles...I am always open to be proved wrong and accept it with good grace but I think, over time, what I have indicated above, is exactly what is going to happen!!
Sorry again, but it's time to 'take the red pill and wake up'
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