A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am a female British white person i been with my Muslim boyfriend for 3 years. i very friendly with his auntie and uncle who he lives with. He loves me and i love him however things have come ahead and apparently they don't know that we are seeing each other. The auntie said to me a month go that they have found a Girl for him well you can imagine how i felt, i came home that night and text him to tell that i felt very hurt and confused with what's going on. She said to me that the girls parents don't want her to marry yet. So things went very quiet and we carried on seeing each other. He rung me at 6.15 in the morning to come around and see me but i was away on business so he could not see me. Well on Friday late morning she rung to say that they were going to Chester this weekend meaning today to meet her parents face to face. So i got of the phone and rung i said to him "i thought you loved me"which i know he does and i love him. But he said he cant marry me and that we were just girlfriend and boyfriend and that he never mentioned to me about wanting to marry or discuss which is true. I mentioned in the part to him about moving in with me and he said he dont think he can but will see. I think he very confused and cannot man up to them. And also this girl is a Cousin. He rung friday afternoon and said he was coming around to talk to me about it all so he came yesterday he was emotional towards me then he told me when he left he said he will come around on Monday to talk about it more so why want he just let go. It just proves he cannot keep away. So answer it what do i do im also friendly with the family,he lives with. As his parents are still in Bangladesh. And i pick up his Auntie children every morning and take them to school. He said to me to be friendly with family still i said i cant and he said they will guess something wrong so how do i get around all this. I love him so so deeply and its hurting me and i know he cant let go and he wants to me
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 June 2013):
 What happens, I think, is that your bf has reached or is reaching the age when his family thinks it's time for him to be married and start a family, and they started working to make this happen. If it won't be this girl, it will be another one. Families sort of shop around, discreetly and diplomatically, until they can put together what is considered a good match from both sides. This one is probaly not, because when you are approached by a suitor , it's not polite to just turn him down, parents will come up with something like " our daughter is too young " or " we don't want her to marry too far from home " etc. But, if he let his family make approaches , without batting a lid, it means that this is how it's going to end sooner or later and maybe sooner than later. He buys, more or less reluctantly, into the whole concept of arranged marriage.
It's not really just about religion, Muslim men can marry Christian and Jewish women ,also without them needing to convert ( although of course if they convert is better ). ( Not the contrary, btw - Muslim girls can ONLY marry Muslims ).
It's about marriage not being a personal private matter based on individual tastes , but a family and social choice that must make lots of people happy other than the groom.
Another point against you is probably your age, 36-40. Of course you are still young - but since having offspring is a vital part of a Muslim marriage , I guess they want to stay on the safe sade and will select someone in her early 20s, or even less.
Of course there are exceptions and there are mixed marriages . I know of quite a few, actually. But, never when the spouses embraced the concept of arranged marriages- either they were very laical, Westernized Muslims, grown abroad and totally integrated in a Western life style, or( preciously few )people who rebelled on principle, to begin with. Set their foot down, risking being ostracized by their families and friends, and said, No this is absurd, when it's time I am going to look for and choose my own spouse all by myself. But once the parental machinery has started working, and approaches and negotiations have begun- it means that it was with the more or less reluctant yet undeniable knowledge and consent of the future groom.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2013): i am not younger than this age quoted, and no he has not said he wants to marry this girl all he said was that he spoke on the phone via his family with her and that she seemed okay how sad is that. And he never discussed future plans either. So im unsure he is going to marry her or wants happening at the moment as her mother did not want her daughter to marry yet either.
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A
female
reader, Keeley345 +, writes (4 June 2013):
Interacial relationships and relationships involving other religions/cultures can be complicated. It's best to be open and up front from the outset about where the relationship might go e.g marriage. You say he told you he wouldn't marry you or go against his culture which was a decent thing for him to do. Unfortunately you hoped he might change his mind and looks like he hasn't. This is nothing to do with Muslim folks in anyway. Like I said there are racial, cultural and religious factors involved. What if he was black and his parents wanted him to marry a black girl and had one picked out for him? What if he was Chinese and Buddhist? OP don't let this experience taint your views on dating outside your race or religion. I have a white female friend who married a lovely gentleman from Iraq and she's converted to Islam and is now living in Iraq. It does work out for some people so don't be disheartened. I'm of African origin from my mother and British from my father's side. I'm Christian and proud of it and embrace the African culture even though I've lived in the UK for years. I have no racial preferences when dating but I make it clear as soon as I can that I want to marry into my own culture and religion as I want my children to embrace what I do. My family also want the same for me. Some guys take it personally or find my wishes discriminatory but at least I'm honest. You'll learn from this experience I'm sure but don't let it put you off dating altogether. You'll meet someone who's willing to go that extra mile with you into marriage.
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A
female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (3 June 2013):
hello,from reading your post the first thing Im wondering is how old you both are. I get the feeling you are younger than what your age group says (36-40). I also wonder if you and him ever had a talk where you discussed your future (marriage, kids) as I imagine most people would have that talk much less than 3 years into a relationship.did he say whether he wants to marry this girl or not? did he say what his plans are? its true that muslims in general look down on non muslims and although his aunt might have turned a blind eye to your relationship Im not sure that would be the case if his parents lived near him.I suggest you distance yourself from him in every way, he has used you if he hasnt been honest 100% with you about what would happen as I think he knew of these plans long before they were shared with yougood luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2013): Ugh, the same thing happened to two different woman I know. I hate to make disparaging stereotypes, but Western women should tread very carefully when dating Muslim men, especially if they're foreign born. So far, all I've seen is a string of broken hearts. No, he's not going to marry you and he was probably using. Sorry, but that's probably the reality.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2013): as hurtful as it might sound and to answer your question, honestly NO your boyfriend as he told you won't marry you, your boyfriend won't man up as you expect him to. He is muslim and he grow up in a tradition that he is not willing to change. I am afraid he used you to have sexual experience, by having a relationship with you, by saying he can't marry you and that he never promised you marriage. I am not saying he did not love you, I am sure he did but he knew this is going to happen, he knew one day his parents will find him a wife from his cultureFor him you were just boyfriend and girlfriend. How dare him tell you that. Don't believe that his auntie has no idea that you were togethre and you are/ were in love. Being genuinely in love is quite obvious. I can't believe she called you to tell they are going to meet the girl's parents today. You must have felt horrible and you must be devastated. I am terribly sorry. I suggest to save yourself more hurt, spare yourself and don't answer his calls if he calls you today. That is insensitive and unacceptable. Keep yourself busy and socialize. I don't know if it is a good idea either but have you watched the movie "East is East" it is a british comedy/ drama film. It shows the conflict between the cultures.Good luck and God Bless
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (2 June 2013):
No, he won't marry you . It's not reallly a matter of "manning up " , you man up against things you do not approve and do not accept, - a Bangladesh Muslim will probably think that is right, wise, normal, natural and advisable to marry a correligionary cousin who has been chosen and approved by his own family.
Muslim marriages are not about romantic love in the sense we Westerners live it. A Muslim marriage is all about fulfilling your obligations and doing the right thing ( and chosing the right person ) by your religion , your culture, your family and your community. It's not that all Muslim marriages are unhappy, I 've seen quite a few successful ones- but it's the expectations underneath it that are all different. They don't marry to feel in love or to make love passionately , they marry to found and raise a Muslim family.
I want to believe that he really loves you ( and that he was not just using you for that sex he surely won't get from Muslim girls ). It's possible , and it is possible that he is sad and heartbroken same as you or more .BUT, he always knew your love was transitional and at some point you were going to have to part ways.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2013): OP no matter how much he wants you he's not going to marry you because he can't. You're not Muslim and he will literally lose his entire family and maybe even his friends if marries someone outside of the faith.
OP it's fine for Muslim men to date non-Muslim women but marriage and a long term future together is not going to happen.
It's not about manning up to them either, that's not how Muslim families work. You can't just dishonour your family in that way for a white woman. What kind of life would he have if he lost his entire family? What kind of life would he have if he brought that kind of shame on them? He'd lose everything and be alone in this world and may even find himself on the wrong of end of some kind of retribution.
Just because he loves you and wants to be with you doesn't mean he can get his family to accept that, nor that he'd even want to marry a non-Muslim OP.
If you ask him whether he thought you and he would ever get married and have kids, raise a family etc. He'll pretty much say no, that was never going to happen.
OP you're dating a Muslim guy for 3 years now, you surely know enough about their culture and their customs to know that you and he being husband and wife was never going to happen, and eventually he's was going to be married off to a woman his family deemed suitable.
OP forget all the "what he wants, he loves me, I know he wants to be with me stuff", that may well be true but it's not as important as finding out what he's going to do here.
He's not confused in the slightest, torn maybe but not confused. He knows he can't and won't marry you, you know that too and now then only question remaining is whether he's going to keep seeing you after he gets married to someone else or whether he's going honour that marriage and be faithful.
He has told you 100% that you and he have no future, that sucks balls OP it really does and I feel for you. But you need to come to terms with the reality of your situation and understand what he wants is nowhere near as important as what he's going to do.
Basically you need answers, you need to ask the right questions and then you need to decide whether you can stay in a relationship with no future and one which will end as soon as his family sort out his marriage for him.
Can you really say you'd be happy being the reason he loses his family? being the reason he is shunned from his community and no longer welcome back in his home country? I don't think that would sit well with you OP because you love and care for him too much to see his life ruined that way.
If you're here hoping we have some insight into how this can up roses for you both then I'm sorry OP there is none. I have plenty of Muslim friends OP, and the ones who do end up with Irish women as a long term thing never hid that from their families, they never discounted the idea of marriage and they have pretty moderate relaxed families. That said I have one particular friend who has Pakistani parents but is as Irish as you can get, has dated plenty of Irish women who recently went off to Pakistan to marry a woman his family had arranged for him.
OP I know there are plenty of examples of Muslim men who have settled down with non-Muslims, I know there are plenty who do give up their families and communities for that but he has told you he's not one of those guys.
I honestly think this is something you're going to have to face up to, and you have a decision to make as to whether you're going to let this drag out until he eventually walks away or decide yourself to walk away to begin the healing process.
I don't envy you OP, but again, don't let the fact he loves you and wants to spend time with you fool you into thinking that will be enough for him to roll off into the sunset with you. I think you know in your heart thats not the case here.
Best of luck, get your answers and make your decisions.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (2 June 2013):
 He won't refuse the marriage...he can't! It is his religion, his culture and his family honour...it's that simple!
He has told you that you can only be his girlfriend, so you need to accept that...because those are his words and that is what he means.
A lot of men from other cultures date 'outsiders' but when push comes to shove, they are indoctrinated to their families and they have to toe the line.
The fact that you know his family, means very little...they do not recognise your attachment to him and even if they did, it would mean very little since muslim women are considered much more important than other women and they will fogive him and blame you for making the mistake of getting involved.
As for him letting go...well that is not going to happen over night, you are having sex with him and giving him attention and and comfort...he won't give that up until the bitter end (he may even continue to take advantage of you after he is married).He won't give it up because you are of use to him and he never has to feel lonely or unloved.
As women we refuse to accept this side of the male species...but it is there for all to see, we just fool ourselves and ignore the signs because we are so invested and desperate to be loved.
You have two choices:
Cling on and accept what you get until he decides what HE wants.
or
Walk away now and heal yourself so you can find someone new who isn't bound by such different life rules and conditions.
Your choice!
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