A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:When I was 13, I became sexually active with my brother's 18 yr old friend. He didn't force me but he did presure me and say things like if I loved him I would do it. Since then I have been sexually active with several guys. I always go out on dates and end up doing things I regret and I usually feel dirty and gross afterwards, yet I keep doing them. Yes, I will admit that I love the feeling of orgasms and stuff but emotionally I hurt. Over the summer I went to a party and ended up having sex with a guy right there in the middle of the party and now everyone is calling me a slut and such. I was drunk when it happened and I always seem to give in to guys when they put presure on me. How do I change and get rid of the "easy" and "slutty" label, but still find one guy that will date me?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2009): you are not a whore or a slut so please dont call yourself one. as for the answer to your problem the word 'no' is all it takes.
A
male
reader, john wayne +, writes (6 October 2009):
stop having sex with a lot of dudes!
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A
female
reader, Felisha Marie +, writes (5 October 2009):
 Stop improvising your feelings. Babe, Ive been there, alot of us have. You dont wanna be labeled that? Have more head sense and stand up, grab yourself by the bootstraps, grow some balls, and tell them boys to shove it. Also a good word to use is, NO. And as for the other people, they'll see in time, who cares what they think anyway, I think you need to impress yourself and worry about yourself first.
good luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2009): There's very likely something lacking in the self esteem department. Only let go to pleasure, don't give into pressure.
Generally you should feel as though he's leading you to sex, yet you know it's your choice (pleasure). A guy who resorts to pressuring (psychological force) is not good for you, and is how shall we say it, low in the hierarchy of men (a loser!)
As an immediate bandaid solution, perhaps have a strict 3+ date rule before sex happens. That's a pretty normal thing, and is also a test to see whether he will resort to pressuring you and turn out to be a low level guy.
All the best
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2009): I think the biggest thing is for you to remember that these guys are not trying to have sex with you because they are in love with you, they have sex with you because they heard that they can. If they tell you things like "if you loved me, you would do this" they are emotionally bribing you and it is the opposite of love, you don't do that to someone you care about.
A guy that truly cares about you will take your feelings into consideration rather than just trying to force their wants and needs on you.
I think if you stop this behavior and focus on your studies, perhaps people will notice and look for someone else to pick on.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (4 October 2009):
 You love the feelings of orgasms. That's OK. There'd be something wrong if you felt guilty over feeling good. What you're not doing is seeking that satisfaction in a way that's in line with who you are. This is where you get these emotional feelings, or feeling dirty, and gross. You have a core being, which is made up of your beliefs, integrity and your character. When you perform a sexual act that goes against one or all of these, your given feelings to let you know that you had.
You said, "but still find one guy that will date me" Do you believe your sexual history makes you not someone who would be seen as attractive for a committed relationship? I'll agree that having sex in the middle of the party was not the best place or time.
If you're looking for an actual relationship and not using or being used for sex, you'll need to begin living and acting within that model. In other words, not acting in away that compromises your sense of self. You've felt the pain of not acting appropriately, use that as the motivation to change your direction. You're going to need to set boundaries. I would recommend writing down, if you were to seek a one girl one boy relationship, what would it look like? Remember, a sustainable relationship is not built on a foundation of sex.
Also, forgive yourself for these past actions. You have to see yourself as being relationship worthy before someone else will. Your past is just a past, it doesn't determine who you can become now, and your acts are just acts, not who you are.
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A
male
reader, charlie p  +, writes (4 October 2009):
Well, I think that there are several answers to your problem, you may not like them so please be aware that I say the following with no judgement and the greatest of respect;
Firstly, if you were drunk it may be important for you to make a real effort every time you go out to a party or anything to watch what you drink, and stop when you get the warm buzz, and go no further.
Second, peer pressure may be a factor. Don't let the guys or their mates pressure you into what you do with your body...
Thirdly, will power is necessary. There isn't any magic advice you can be given that will solve your problems, it does have to come from you. I know that sex is enjoyable, everyone finds in enjoyable so that's not something to give yourself a hard time over. However, don't allow yourself to indulge! As for ridding yourself of the label, the next time a guy dances up close, or tries his line or whatever just tell him to step off. That will make quite an impression. In time it will get better.
Another option (although be careful) is to get yourself a boyfriend in order to enjoy sex in a relationship. But wait for a few months, as you want the label to be gone by then. You mention that you want rid of the label but STILL find a guy to date you...it's not actually true that guys like to date girls that aren't hard to sleep with. Think back to your own and your female friend's experiences and ask yourself which one night stands ended up with them dating a decent fella? The answer will be not many. Note DECENT fella ;)
Take your time, hold out, and a good guy will come along. Although don't get dispirited if it doesn't happen straight away, it may take a little time. I'm British and therefore a gentleman (haha) so I know what I'm talking about!!!
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (4 October 2009):
You need to focus on yourself. Why do you act this way? Is there something that is really hurting you from your past? To be honest, it sounds like you've been used and abused for a long time and have gotten so used to it, you just do it. You need to stop with these guys and just stop having sex at the moment. Really focus on yourself and get all those feelings out. And make a point of getting to know men before you do anything with them, because you'll only hurt more. Take your time getting to know men and take time letting them to get to know you.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (4 October 2009):
Well if you want rid of the label then stop acting like that.
You need to STOP having sex with guys.
You need to get some self respect and say no to these guys and then you'll find a guy who respects you and actually LIKES you enough to spend time with your personality rather than your vagina.
Good Luck!! xx
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