A
male
age
41-50,
*lue092609
writes:I just returned from a deployment from iraq. my wife had an affair with another woman. I have forgiven her for the infidelity but now she will not have sex with me. The other woman is now trying to get my wife to leave me by laying these games. How do I get my wife to show me affection again!
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2010): You know your wife is a lesbian by now because you don't seem to be shocked that she had an affair with another woman. It seems as though the same sex relationship is appealing to her so it will be hard for you to regain her affection. If this is a exploration type of relationship perhaps you can win her over. If it is serious enough where she chooses to be with another women you need to let go. Women are a lot gentler than men and much more understanding of each others needs. Perhaps you should talk to your wife and find out what her preferences are and what future you will have together. You need to open the line of communication and be truthful with each other. Perhaps she is not attracted to you the way she once was. Or you are not doing what you are supposed to be doing to make it exciting for her. You need to have a sex talk. If she chooses her over you then I think you should let her go. If you feel that after talking to her you can regain her affection and build a solid relationship then you need to forgive her and never bring it to her again and make a new start as none of us are perfect. You need to step up your game and try different things to win her over as you did in the beginning and give each other what you need.
A
male
reader, yum yum  +, writes (24 October 2010):
 Your wife could be lesbian or bisexual and has recently come out of the closet. I think you should not try and convince her how much you like her etc..but try and find out what she wants and except here decision. She might not want to be with you anymore. Take care !
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2010): You should tell your wife how much you love her and care for her, and no matter what she did you will always be there for her even through the bad. Tell her you don't want her to leave that she is the only reason your alive today.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2010): Hmmm,
Could you possibly cheat on her to show her how it feels? Maybe you need to do something drastic like that......If she just won't and keeps refusing to be with you, try some counseling. Perhaps that might help....Or face it, you just might be the wrong gender for you. Sorry sweetie, I hope something works out in your favor.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2010): I pleased you have arrived home safely, but sorry your home coming is not as you would like or expect.
I do feel there is a lot more going on here than your wife being more affectionate to you, although you don't say too much, apart from how can you get her to be more affectionate.
But I think FIRST you need to establish if your wife is a lesbian..or is she bi-sexual..it seems strange that you don't seem shocked your wife has had a same sex affair, not suggesting, that means less than if it had been with a man, only there is no emotion attached the knowledge of this, as though either YOU knew she was bi-sexual/lesbian before you married her. Heterosexual women just don't go off and have affairs with women, unless they are inclined toward females.
So for me that is what you need to establish, as I don't feel this is a straight forward ' affection' problem, MORE a sexual identity problem, where you're married to a woman, who may prefer the same sex, and I'm afraid IF this is the case, you will not be able to change her.
You need to talk to her about how you see your marriage, does she want to remain married to you, if so, you I think may be some professional counselling to bring you guys back on track, or you may have to face, regardless of how much you would like a normal happy loving marriage, it may not be possible, and only you can decide what the next step would be then.
Do try to talk to her about this..
I hope this has helped you see things a little clearer, even if not what want you wanted to read. Take care!
Jilly
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A
female
reader, luv princess  +, writes (23 October 2010):
 First important factor for relationships to be successful in long run is to be honest.you both need to talk openly about the situation and you particularly must win her heart for one last chance to be your gal for life.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (23 October 2010):
I think you need to address whether she actually wants to be in this marriage. It's not as simple as getting her to show you affection. She's had an affair with another woman. So you need to know whether she's even interested in men, you, marriage and such.
Forget the sex for the moment, and get working on the basic part of your marriage - does she want to be with you?
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A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify +, writes (23 October 2010):
 sounds like your wife is a lesbian. have you asked her this, as if its the case then there may not be much you can do.
the reality is that if she is staying with you for financial security while not being attracted to you then it is unfair on you, and YOU need to find this out.
ask her she owes you that much
if she's a lesbian you cant force her to love you unfortunately...
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A
female
reader, greenplanner +, writes (23 October 2010):
It sounds like when you were gone the other woman filled the vacuum of your absence... Your wife has become intimate in both a physical and emotional sense with this woman, and it's going to take a lot of work to get past this, not just you forgiving her. You two need to be in marriage therapy to work through what has happened. Also, you need to deal with the gender issue. Maybe your wife has realized (or always knew) that she's a lesbian. If that's the case, you probably don't have a future together. Therapy is a must, here.
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