A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have a boyfriend who I want to go on vacation with. My brother and his girlfriend have been asked to come with us, and it's all looking good so far. We're planning on catching a last-minute flight to save on money, as last minute flights are real cheap.Everyone wants to go. The trouble is that my boyfriend doesn't have enough money. I saw this coming, he isn't that great at budgeting. I, on the other hand, have a good nose for money. And I know I can afford to treat him to this vacation. I first suggested I lend him the money, because I think he'd refuse if I right out offered it. But he turned it down, said he wouldn't be able to pay me back any time soon.I really want to bring him. He wants to go. He just can't afford it. I want to make the offer to pay for it. How do I get him to accept me treating him to the trip? By the way, he spends a lot of money on me when he has money. He's the type who spends a little here and there and over time I am sure his paying for me makes up for me paying for his trip. He buys me food, or pays the movie-tickets, he brought me food today because I am sick atm and he's going to shop for me tomorrow as well. So he spends his money on me with ease. I want to return the favour...! But I think he'll just feel like he owes me something.Suggestions? Can I call it an early birthday gift (his is in 3 months time) or Christmas-gift perhaps?
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (15 April 2012):
 Yes, if the genders were reversed there would be no problem to treat a guy to a vacation. But the genders are not reversed.
Trust me: this is a very bad idea.
There is one kind of man who will play say he is sensitive and liberated and won't have trouble letting you pay for everything, but that kind of man is after sleeping with you and even getting you to pay for his expenses. You're lucky not to be with one of those.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2012): Do NOT pay for this trip. Males have an inherant need to provide and protect their females. You would be cutting off his balls if you insist on paying.If he can't pay for the trip, then don't go. Maybe you should spend your time and energy on helping him budget a little more, but that depends on how serious your relationship is.Think of the future, if your relationship is really good and you two end up getting married, then both of your money will be pooled, and then you can 'suggest' a trip because you know you 'budgeted and saved' both of your monies. That will be must more special because he will feel like he provided you with a trip of your dreams, and inside you will know that it was because you 'managed' him and his (your) money. At least that's what my wife tells me.p.s. And I'm very happy with my wife and my marriage, she lets me think I'm in charge, but in the BACKGROUND she really runs everything. Good Luck!
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A
female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (13 April 2012):
I agree with person12345, as long as you don't expect him to pay you back and you can afford this in such a way it won't interfere with your budget for the rest of the year, it's a very sweet thing to do.
Tell him that you've thought about this for a while and that you would like him to come along with you on this vacation as a gift from you, an expression of your love. Don't talk about him not being able to afford it because it'll make him feel guilty. In the end it's still his decision and if he still decides to decline, don't argue but accept his decision.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (13 April 2012):
 I'm going to have to disagree with the below. I think so long as do not expect him to pay you back, it's silly to avoid a vacation because of gender roles. You can just offer to pay and he has the choice to turn it down. Yes it's wise of him to turn it down if he can't afford it, but if you can afford to pay for the both of you, I don't see the problem with it (so long as you really can afford the both of you and this won't break your budget).
I'm going into a career where I'm likely to make close to 3x what my partner will. We're both happy about that, not worrying about his ego.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2012): Please don't bring it up. And yes, if the situation were reversed where he paid for you, it would be no problem. You have a lot to learn about men and some maturing to do.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt could be a very long time until I have a chance to go with him again, that's the thing. It could be about two years until next opportunity...
But I guess you are right. I just want to say the budgeting part wasn't a complaint as much as a factual statement.
When did it become so troublesome to treat someone to a vacation? If the genders were reversed I don't think it'd be a problem for a guy to treat his girl to a vacation.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (13 April 2012):
 No don't ask him. You complain about him not being good at budgeting, and then you undermine when he does the one thing that 's wise and mature when dealing with money ( not that I am always so wise and mature myself, tbh ) : NOT buying things when you can't afford them, and not resorting to financial shortcuts to gratify a whim. Being adult is also being able to delay gratification to more opportune moments.
That, besides the emasculation thing the others mentioned.
You want to " spoil " him, and that's cute, but, do you really need to ? Is it so vital ?... it's just a vacation, not a life saving device. Hopefully you will have many more years together and tons of wonderful vacations that he'll be able to fund for himself.. and maybe for both of you :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe started talking about the vacation before he found out he couldn't really afford it.
He's offering to pay for me on so many other occasions, would it really be wrong to pay for him for a change? The only exception being that this is a one time sum that is larger than his plenty smaller sums over the years.
I haven't suggested yet to pay for him, I'm thinking maybe I shouldn't even bring it up as an option now... But would even asking him make him feel emasculated?
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (13 April 2012):
What Anonymous and You Wish said. Right on the money.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (13 April 2012):
 Don't do it! Your boyfriend is *really* smart not to let you pay for it and is *extremely* smart not to let you lend money to him.
If you value your relationship, you'll not have anything to do with paying his way or lending him money. Ever. This isn't a date. Whenever the lending or large gifting of money happens in a relationship, it can and mostly does weaken and break it up.
There will be other vacations, and if he's bad at budgeting, this may be the learning tool it takes for him to get better at it. But you will crush your relationship or seriously damage it if you lend or give large monetary gifts. Trust me, it gets really weird afterwards.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2012): I think you're missing the point: men feel emasculated when you pay for their vacation! It will diminish how he feels about you romantically and sexually when you emasculate him.
Why would you plan something for you two when you know he can't afford it? No offense, but this is the best way to step on his dick, literally.
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