A
female
age
30-35,
*raaee
writes:This summer was crazy, and I don't know where to start.Well first, My boyfriend is in army basic training, but because of a medical discharge he's coming back. He's done with the army for two years (his choice if he comes back). But has said he wants to study a different career. That in its self is stressful. But I've been very sick for the past few years, and in the middle of being diagnosed with fibromyalgia. Postponing be starting my first year of college (which is breaking my heart as well as stressing me out).Every chance we get to talk my boyfriend is so set on getting married right away. How do I get it through his head that its really best if we wait? We've been dating for almost a year, but have know each other for a long time, almost 6 years. I'm ready to get married, but neither of us have jobs, I couldn't even hold a job with my health, we don't have much money at all, and I'm still living with my parents. How long is it normal to wait in a relationship before your engaged? And how long is it normal to wait before your married?(once your engaged)Last, any tips on de-stressing? Or if anyone even knows help with fibromyalgia? Its kinda scary, and I don't want to have to try drug after drug, again.
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discharge, engaged, money Reply to this Question
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female
reader, rraaee +, writes (6 August 2009):
rraaee is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone!
A
female
reader, ilovebowsandcherries  +, writes (5 August 2009):
 Hun pretty much all army guys are rushed and want to get married have children pretty much all in the same year.
whether it's to do with the fact they want a family of their own should anything happen to them i'm not sure.
but i've been there i was with a guy from the army whom wanted to marry me i was not ready he didn't like that.
then he also said about if i wasn't with a child by the time he went to Afgahnistan he;d leave me.
so i left him!
he was 18 when i was 19 i wasn't ready to do that commitment.
if you aren't then he needs to understand that!
there is no time limit as to when you want to get married when you feel it's right then you do it.
but when YOU feel it's right don't do it just because he wants too get married right now.
if you're suffering from this illness he needs to understand he can't stress you out even more.
there are plenty of remedies on google i'm sure you can find to help you.
hope this helps :)
x ilovebowsandcherries x
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A
female
reader, LallaZine +, writes (5 August 2009):
 Perhaps you could get engaged and like someone else here says you could have a long engagement. That way, he would be happy as the promise of marriage would be on the horizon but also, he would have to wait until you are ready to actually get married. Do whatever makes you happy, your happiness is paramount. It's one solution and is less stressful, it would put things off until you both get yourselves sorted. When he finds a job, that will ease the pressure and if I were you I would concentrate on getting better and relaxing while you can.
It is a shame that you have to wait until next year to start college, but the rest will do you a lot of good so that next year you are healthy, happy and ready to start studying. A lot can happen in a year, take it slowly and enjoy the relationship despite the set-backs. This time next year, who knows what will happen? I'm sure that everything will work itself out, take care and good luck with everything. xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2009): Summer? What summer? I must have blinked and missed it!
There's no set time for getting married. You get married when you both want to, and if at all possible when it's sensible to do so. It's a very big commitment and shouldn't be entered into lightly.
If neither of you have jobs that wouldn't be a very good start at all. Ideally you need to buy a place to live if you can afford to, or rent somewhere. You need money and jobs for that. Living with in-laws is not good except in cases of dire emergency - and I speak from experience on that one.
Apart from that, in my opinion you're too young to get married. If I could live my life again I wouldn't even consider it until I was at least 25.
How do you get through to him? Maybe you can't, but it takes two and you have to agree to it! If he proposes the simple answer is 'Thanks, but no thanks', and explain to him what your criteria for getting married are. Education finished and both with secure jobs would be a good start.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (5 August 2009):
RCN has it right.
If you think it's a bad idea then tell him it's not happening.
Planning a wedding is really REALLY stressful. So unless you plan on heading down to the register office and doing it in a jeans then I wouldn't recommend it if you aren't well.
He's free to propose any time he wants, as long as he has the cash saved up for a decent ring then it's up to him. But make it clear that you don't see a wedding any time before 2015 (or whenever you'll be all better.)
He can propose now and it'll be a LOOOOOOOONG engagement, or he can save his money and get a job and a decent ring and have a short romantic exciting engagement. I know which one I would prefer.
Just tell him straight, that you won't marry him unless he gives you a decent ring, you are both working and both in full health, and the longer he goes on and stresses you out about it, the longer it's going to take you to get to decent health.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, pepper27 +, writes (5 August 2009):
 Hi Hunny
This must be so hard for you at your age...Sweetheart my heart goes out to you...First lets try and help you with your stress levels and find some sort of advise to help your pain levels and then talk about your bf/
http://www.ukfibromyalgia.com/
http://www.nhs.uk/conditions/Fibromyalgia/Pages/Introduction.aspx
http://ezinearticles.com/?Ways-To-Help-Lower-Stress&id=655830
http://www.suite101.com/article.cfm/_infertility/111675
I no you are not in the u.k so some of that will not apply but:)maybe there is something there to help you more
Now to your b/f, Maybe he feels in his heart that he just wants to look after you hunny, Men are fixers and it must be hard for him as he cant just fix you but he can in his way take care of you and maybe this is all he wants to do..Must be quite scarey for him to...The only thing I can suggest about the marriage is to really sit and talk about your worries and concerns, Explain to him how very much you do want to get married but you would feel so much better if you had at least a little money behind you first. I no you have probably done this already love but its worth going into more detail about these worries you have..
Also I find a little time to yourself pampering you helps wonderfully, Warm bath laying on the bed with relaxing music and candles on really forgetting the outside world just thinking of you once a day have your hour hunny, and hopfully this will help with your stress levels. I do hope this helps if you need achat at anytime message me TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOU WITH LOVE N HUGS MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (5 August 2009):
 Fist two questions. When you're ready. There is no normal time to wait before getting engaged or married. I agree, it's not a race, and it's important to get a few things in place first. Don't just do it because he's ready, wait until both of you agree it's the right time.
Google, how to relieve stress. There's a lot of information that can help you do accomplish that. I'm not familiar enough with fibromyalgia to recommend which ways to relieve stress will be okay or not with this illness.
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