A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I am married and have been dating a married man for 3 yrs.Neither of us are having sex with our spouses. He says he doesn't love her but if she wants to do something and we have plans he just doesn't call me to let me know. He waits until after he's done with her then will call me. She is verbally abusive to him and he doesn't want her mad wants to keep peace. No children at home for either of us. He wont commit to making plans everything is last minute. He says he doesn't love her and loves me. We have a great time when we are together but she still has control over him. He knows any time he calls me i make myself available. Help. How do I get him to stop jumping for her and see she controls him. (she did find out about me and told him to leave me but he wont)
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (14 August 2016):
 I think the anon female should re-submit this as an article. It would probably help many women (and perhaps men) in this situation.
I don't normally read really long answers, but I did read this one.
Good luck to you both. I hope it works out for you.
x
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2016): To the female anon who is also a mistress, thank you for enlightening the rest of us on how painful it can be. I applaud your courage and honesty and only hope for the best for you. And I certainly hope your experience can help other women in similar circumstances like the OP.
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (4 July 2016):
 OP, I think reading this post would help you: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-married-man-was-upset-i-broke-up.htmlThe OP on that post has been strung along for 10 years. Yes; *TEN YEARS* of her precious life was wasted on this lying cheater before she broke up with him and, even after all of that, he *still* didn't leave his wife and the OP was *still* making excuses for him.Do you want to be that woman, OP? If a guy (or woman) won't leave his relationship to be with you (why are *you* still married?) in 6 months, the chances get less and less, *rapidly*, the longer it goes on because the mistress (or "man-misstress") puts up with it.Leave your husband or at least come clean and give him the choice to stay or leave. Then ditch the married guy because he really isn't that interested in you or you'd be the priority. Don't end up like that poor woman in the link I provided.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2016): I posted an answer here before, but wanted to add I find it ironic the OP talks of ridding her married lover of his wife's control and then proceeds to ask how she can make him do something!!
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 July 2016):
 Well, he is married- this is his wife- what do you expect ?
I mean, of course he has trouble making plans in advance.
Suppose that he schedules taking you to the movies to see X film this Sunday afternoon.
Then suppose that his wife asks him to go see the same movie this Saturday night. What is he supposed to say: " Oh no darling, you go alone, I have plans to go see that movie tomorrow with my mistress ".
Then her answer would probably be :" Fine, then go see your movie and don't bother to come back, you'd find the locks changed "- thing that your married lover obviously does not want to happen. His words may say that he wants to leave but his actions say that he wants to stay.
You say that his wife knows about you - and she was not pleased. She was not a good sport, she did not say
" Allright then. As long as you are happy ". She wanted him to leave you- and he may not want to leave you, BUT this means that he will be obliged to be even more careful, to fly below the radar even more than before , to tell his wife even more lies. And that will involve even more rescheduling and cancelling and keeping you waiting.
It's not that she " controls " him, it's that she acts like what she IS, a wife. With the perks and expectations and legitimate demands of a wife.
I don't think that you can show him that she " controls " him, in the sense that you mean; because she is just exercising her right to be a priority in his daily life. He knows- he knows that he has married her thereby accepting and validating this " control "- which is only what 99% of married couples do, whether they are married happily or unhappily : i.e. doing the things concerning their couple and family and home first, and all the rest later.
Btw ,it is unusual that you don't have the same kind of problem at home. Seeing that you are married as well. Does this not hinder you even a little bit ?
Can you just sit by the phone and up and go anytime, even at midnight, to meet your lover, ... and your husband does not notice ?
Can you make plans for the weekend with your husband and just cancel them last second because the other guy called ?
Can you ditch him mid-way through a family event or a dinner with your common friends because you 'd rather to go and have fun with the MM ?...
If this is the case, it is very fortunate in your current circumstamces , but it is also VERY unusual. Normally people have to make a choice about under which roof they want to live. And until they choose to live under their spouse's same roof, - as your MM does - they have somehow to toe the line about schedules and stuff.
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male
reader, Serpico +, writes (4 July 2016):
Both of you need to get divorced before starting other relationships. This type of behavior is just begging for the mess you are in.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2016): There is nothing more painful and more defeating than being the other woman. So many people will judge you and put you down. And say you deserve every bit of the unbearable pain you suffer because you are a whore or you are stupid and knowingly put yourself in this horrible, dead end situation. Well, no mistress - and I am not referring to women who target married men for sex only - ever expected to be in this situation. Or to fall in love. But that is almost always what happens. A woman does not wake up saying I am going to find myself a married man today. And no little girl ever grows up aspiring to become a mistress. There is a lot of shame, misery and loneliness associated with this role. So WHY does a woman do it? WHY does she become a mistress? One reason. She was vulnerable. She was seeking some sort of redemption. She was at a place in her life where she was ripe for the picking. And the married man knew that. And he picked her off the tree, and enjoyed every succulent bite of that sweet, forbidden fruit. And continues to do so if she allows it. Why wouldn't he?We get involved with a man who is not ours because we get caught up in the addiction. It IS an addiction. This is the best way to describe it. I am not sure if people here have ever had an affair to be able to advise but I am in the same situation as the OP. We hit the 3 year mark last month. It is so easy to get into the affair because it provides a quick fix (or so we thought) for our real life problems. An escape. And those who enter affairs are escaping something in their lives. They are not completely happy with their lives. Or themselves. They meet the married affair partner at seemingly the right time and all the stars line up and boom, they begin an affair. They do not think about all the consequences at the time. Rationalizations go out the window. It is about getting some needs which have likely been ignored for a very long time, met. It is like wininng the lottery. The feeling of elation is beyond description in words. I can say it's like a man who has been lost in a dessert for years who stumbles onto an elusive oasis and has his very first sip of water. It is so easy in today's day and age to begin an affair. So very easy to start and the most difficult thing one will ever have to do if they decide to walk away. Many times numerous attempts are made over sometimes a period of years. And every time they fail. And many times professional therapy is involved. It is a deeply, soul disturbing situation. Why? Because we all want to love and to be loved. This is a baseline need for all of us. Love is not choosy. It does not fall within boundaries. It happens. We believe when we are in the affair that it IS LOVE. It is so intense and all consuming the way we feel. And we just get carried away. Because it feels so good. We feel so good. The feelings we get from the other person pale in comparison to any other person on earth. That fix they give us is one we grow to depend on. Like going back to the drug that makes you high over and over again. Yes, we know it is bad for us. Yes, we know it can destroy us. Destroy our lives. But we keep going back because we are addicted to it. Affairs release brain chemicals that are highly addictive. It is not a typical relationship. The illicitness of it all contributes to it thriving and continuing for as long as it does. Because both participants are getting their fix of the drug they have become dependent on in one another. Yes, you know logic. You know reason. You know you need to get out. You know it. But you can't do it. You are afraid your whole life is going to crumble without them. You have been using them as a crutch. You have leaned on them to lift you up because you are weak on your own. You feel you cannot make it without them. They provide you that little piece of Heaven you are missing in your life. Without it, you are lost. You do not want to even imagine having to face all those problems because it is all so painful. So, instead you happily continue in the affair bubble, deluding yourself, hanging onto the fantasy for dear life. Because real life sucks and you would rather never have to face it. Like any drug addict. They do not want to stop using. It would be too painful. I think in many cases they have to hit rock bottom to climb their way out. Perhaps OP you are not there yet. Neither am I. But I think it eventually ends up being the natural progression. Fantasy to reality. Elation to despair.It is easy to fall. In the beginning, we are taken away by his charm and his words. He is so good at what he does. Maybe he has done it before. And we let ourselves fall for it. We let it happen. We give him that power. Because we so desperately need his love and attention and validation to feel whole, to be happy again. And so, for awhile, we are good with the arrangement and oblivious to all else. Until the fog starts to lift and we begin to see reality and all its warts. This is when we start to question his feelings. Our future with him. Wonder why he has not left his wife by now. We start to feel bad about ourselves and think why are we not good enough that we always come in second? What is wrong with us? And we start to resent him for how he is treating us. Because at this point we have fallen in love with him. We have sacrificed so much for him. Made him the centre of our universe. But he has not done the same thing for us. If we get upset, he will pay us some lip service. Tell us he loves us. And he can't live without us. Buy us some flowers. He knows how to smooth us over. He has done it many times before and we have fallen for it each time. But it's only words. Empty gestures. He does not want to lose his happy drug in his mistress. He is ADDICTED to her as well. But it is not love. She is helping him to self medicate. Distract him. Taking the ride with him. His wife is his stability. His future. He will never leave her. Especially if he is in the same age bracket as you are OP. He is comfortable and he is not going to make drastic changes to his life so late in the game, likely approaching retirement age. He does not want to lose his family and extended family and his reputation. He has invested a lot of years into his marriage. He may not LOVE his wife like he did at first but he loves his life with her enough that he is unwilling to change it or leave her. He is missing something in his wife and he is filling in the gaps with you. You are not everything to him. You are not the sun in his sky. His wife is. You are the bright shining star he likes to chase around here and there but the sun is what he worships. By choice. The sun does not need to control anything. It just shines.You can try forever and a day, but you cannot do anything to change his mind. I do not believe his wife is the "bad guy" or controlling either. He is telling you stories. He wants you to think this so that you stay hanging onto him. I do not even know if I believe he abstains from sex with his wife. My married lover told me his wife stopped having sex with him because it was painful and then she was asexual. That was how he lured me in. Sob story about how he had to go without sex for 10 years. Blah blah blah. I am much younger than him too. 15 years younger to be exact. His wife is even older than he is. Right now he is on vacation with his wife while I sit here by my phone wondering why he has not been in touch for 2 days. It is soul destroying. I have spent the whole day crying. Because I know he does not love me and he is off having a good time with is wife, not giving me a second thought. Sure, he sends me token emails (mostly sexual in content) to keep in touch in order to make sure I will continue having sex with him when he returns. Until then, I am of no use to him. And he expects me to wait around and be faithful to him while he is probably screwing her. I am not dumb. I know that even after 3 years together, he has not even grown to love me. I will never understand how a man who supposedly loves his wife can have a relationship for 3 years with another woman. I mean, to me it is a relationship. I am his girlfriend. But obviously I am wrong. I see it as more than he does. I have no experience at this. I have never done this before. My very first affair. I was in a very bad place when I met him. He started it all. By eyeing me and paying me attention. Mentoring me in our place of business. He knew exactly what he was doing from the start. Funny thing is that I started out in a very bad place and now I am in an even worse place. I feel trapped. I get so much joy and pleasure being with him but at the same he makes me feel bad about myself, unloved, unimportant, like a toy or a piece of meat. He does what he has to in order to keep up the façade of a relationship to keep me happy and keep getting sex. But it's beginning to not be enough anymore. I am sorry you are in the same spot as me. My married lover is not quite like yours. He tries to always give me equal time and plans everything in advance with me. He has rarely ever cancelled our time together. He has been very committed to me that way. We see each other regularly and he plans our time separately from the obligations he has to his wife. Either way, it's the crumbs we are getting. We know we are worth more. And this is what hurts so much in the end. Knowing we are and wanting this man to see that we ARE and make the choice to be with us. But he can't. He won't.It does not matter how beautiful we are, how intelligent we are, how funny we are, even if we are the whole package... we will never, ever be ENOUGH for a married man who already has a WIFE. He is not looking for another wife. He is looking for some fun. We waste our time trying to impress him, try to make him love us, try to be everything to him, but we are playing a losing game. Nothing we do will ever be good enough. Will ever be ENOUGH.I think you are going to have to reach your own personal breaking point. How much more can you take? How much more damage can this guy do to your self esteem and your emotional/psychological well being? Something's gotta give. It is not going to go on forever without a breaking point. Also consider the possibility, he may leave you in the future. The wife may eventually give him an ultimatum. Maybe this time she was not firm enough. But if she ever is, you can bet he will drop you. He does not want to lose his whole life, his whole life savings, his family... over some fun. I am saying that about me, too. I think he says he loves you to keep you. I don't think he feels it. I was so upset at my married lover once and pressured him so he caved and kind of said he loved me in a round about way. But I can tell he did not mean it. As convincing as he is at other things. He may eventually get bored and seek out someone else. Who knows? And how will that make you feel? To be cheated on by a cheater? You can say you knew fully well that it could happen but when it does, it will break your spirit like nothing else. The man who made you feel special and loved all those years has dumped you and is giving his love and attention to someone else. Because that's what cheaters do. While you are left destroyed. He can move on in the drop of a hat while you are still on the floor unable to pick yourself up. This is a high stakes game. Make no mistake. And in the end, people will be hurt. Most of all, you, OP. :(He is no prize. I am sure many women who know their husband is having an affair would have left him. His wife may have low self esteem, much like you. Thus, the reason he can play both of you so easily. And she is also afraid to start over on her own and has a lot invested in the marriage. Much like him. Some people would say... better the devil you know... So, you have only two choices. One is to stay put and continue this relationship the way it always has been. And accept it. Or, you walk away. And accept he will never leave her. You will always come second. And you deserve better. It is harder for me because I am a single woman. So, I have no other person there for me. And I am free and available to commit to him. So, the dynamics are different. He does worry about me finding another man for a "real relationship" which he knows deep down inside is what I truly want/deserve and he knows it's something he can never give me. He always said he has tried not to emotionally attach to me because he knows the day will come when I leave him for a real boyfriend. Sad part of it all is, HE is my boyfriend. And if he asked me to marry him tomorrow, I would say YES.
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A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (4 July 2016):
 What a ridiculous Puppet Show this is… She has him on a string, he definitely has you on a string and you have no string to pull what-so-ever! It puzzles me why would you want to complicate your life with this married man?
This is one disastrous show on earth! Help indeed all three, four of you… Here you both are acting like a couple of circus performers dressed in meat jumping through hoops, whilst walking a tightrope in a lion’s cage.
Meanwhile the alleged Ring Master (his wife) stands outside this cage of deceit and appears to have control over him; why? Well perhaps it’s not all about her controlling him… because cheating and sprouting words of ‘I love you’ are cheaper and easier to maintain than getting an expensive divorce from his wife at his age?
I believe in all reality he needs to be jumping for a divorce, be that he continues to be deceptive to all parties concerned.
CAA
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female
reader, Ciar +, writes (3 July 2016):
Besides his say so, how do you know his wife is controlling and abusive? And how do you know if he and his wife are or aren't having sex? He can say anything, and apparently does. That doesn't mean it's true.
He doesn't leave her because he doesn't want to and he leaves you having until the last minute because you're not his priority.
I think the two of you need to grow up here. You're both behaving like a couple of teenagers.
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female
reader, llifton +, writes (3 July 2016):
 "Par for the course" is what I meant to say.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2016): Why should he leave his wife when you won't leave your husband?
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female
reader, llifton +, writes (3 July 2016):
I'm a bit confused. So she found out about you. Does she think he stopped talking to you? Or does she know he still does?
Also, you want him to focus his attention around you, yet you are still married, as well. I get that you make yourself more available for him than he does you. However, what exactly should he do? Leave his wife to give more time to a woman who is also still married? There is no good solution here.
As was already stated, as long as you tolerate it, it won't change. Put your foot down. Maybe that'll make him respect you a bit more. But these sort of things are common for relationships such as this. He kinda has to put her first. It's his wife. Lar or the course.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2016): If she has "control" over him then how come he is still seeing you despite her so-called control??
Your age is given as 51-59, don't you know this is only you deluding yourself?
He "waits until he is done with her then calls me" Er, that's his WIFE the woman he is committed to legally and otherwise. Wow, how dare she be his priority and first obligation!
You are only fooling yourself my dear...this man is playing you and you're only helping him, by making the wife the enemy. You need to reflect on your actions: you are still married yourself but expect your married lover to leave his wife. Why should he? You don't show much commitment to him by continuing in your marriage either.
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female
reader, like I see it +, writes (3 July 2016):
 The simple answer is, you can't.
He may TELL you whatever he thinks will keep you around for the free sex, but she doesn't control him, or he would have left you the minute she told him to do so. Because that's a totally valid request, and not even a "controlling" one.
The fact that she knows about you and stays with him anyway is the nail in the coffin for your hopes of a future with him, I'm afraid. Either she likes the stability that comes with marriage enough to forgive him for this, or her self-esteem is lacking. But if she hasn't left him already, she isn't going to.
That said, her motives here don't matter; she's the one being treated like dirt by both of you. You may want to hate her, but the blame lies squarely with her husband for stringing both of you along at once. As long as he knows she will tolerate the affair (however unhappily) and you will stick around hoping someday you and he will be together, he has both of you right where he wants you. I'm sorry, but he sounds like a really sh*tty guy. Not someone who deserves you wishing and pining after him!
If you're still wondering why he stays in the marriage, I would ask you to sit back and think about why you didn't leave your husband and end your own marriage the minute you became involved with this other guy. It's likely that some of the same reasons apply. Kids are usually a big one, and the fact that both of you have comparatively "less" to lose than married couples with children involved and still haven't made the move to leave your respective unhappy situations says a lot about how committed you are to ending up together (hint: not very).
So whether or not you work things out with your husband, it doesn't sound like this other man is right for you either. In your shoes I'd stop letting him walk all over me and break things off. Like, yesterday.
Hope this helps. Best wishes moving forward!
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female
reader, miss frank +, writes (3 July 2016):
Dating? You aren't dating. Dating occurs with single people, you aren't single, therefore you aren't dating. You are having an affair.What on earth makes you think that in an affair the adulterers should or would put the person they are having the affair with before their spouse? It seems to me that you have expectations beyond your role here. The question to me isn't how can you get him to stop jumping for her and see she controls him, more the question is is there any future in this? Where's your respect for your husband? Do you need to both leave your spouses and be together? If not, and I suspect he would have left by now, an affair consists of just this arrangement - you are second to his wife.
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reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 July 2016):
 You can't "make" him do anything he doesn't want to do including... treating you like a sexy afterthought.
She doesn't control him any more than your husband controls you - I BET you on that.
He will continue to string you along for as long as you are willing to be strung along - JUST like you are doing to your husband.
I agree with SVC, if EITHER of you were serious about each other you would BOTH have left your spouses. Neither of you have.
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male
reader, DarrellG +, writes (3 July 2016):
 This probably isnt going to be well liked but there you go. I dont think this is going anywhere good for either of you. As So Very points out...."sadly for you if he was going to leave her he would have left her already..." And while we on this subject, you dont mention the fact that you dont appear to be making any moves of your own to leave your husband so you demanding he does is a wee bit hypocritical. The best that can be said is that you both want to cling to the security of your current situation (I suspect neither of you values the sanctity of marriage that highly) and therefore neither of you want to make that move. You should both be focusing on trying to sort your respective marriages out and address the issues that clearly exist within that relationship rather than seeking the answers to those questions in each others arms because no answers of any value lie therein and that is being graphically demonstrated in his actions and attitude towards you. I think your best course of action is to discontinue this liason now and try and come to terms with the issues that there are in your marriages because this is going nowhere fast and one or both of you is going to end up getting hurt in a very bad way. Good luck :)
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (3 July 2016):
*my dad came back from holiday to find her with another guy.
Also, OP, why should he leave his wife if you won't leave your husband? Not only that, but how could you ever trust each other to not cheat on the other one? Sure, you could say it's love (even though it can't be, or you'd have both left your marriages2+ years ago), but you both felt love for your spouses at one point.
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (3 July 2016):
She still has control because he lets her and because she's his wife - you're not the priority, just like he's not yours or you'd divorce your husband.What are you getting out of being married and having an affair? You have no idea if he's having sex with her or not, unless you're there 24/7.It probably made you feel good that he won't leave you, even though she found out, but it should show you that he doesn't think you deserve any better than mistress.OP, you're 51 - 59 years old, take what you want, not this guy's scraps. Leave your husband and leave this guy - or at least leave your husband so that he can be with someone who is faithful to him.My dad was a married woman's other guy for only a few weeks (about a decade before my mum met him), then realised he wasn't okay with helping her betray her husband. His friend became her other guy, husband came home while they were at it, the guy jumped out of the window and the husband knew, so grabbed a bicycle, chased him and punched him once, going 20mph, so it knocked him out. A couple of relationships later, after getting £15,000 in debt to help a woman leave her abusive husband and getting in a relationship with her, he came back from a holiday with his parents and found her with another guy.The point of that story is that karma does come around - even when it doesn't, it says so much about a person when they betray their families. Please, OP, do what you need to to start making up for the last 3 years of lies and infidelity.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (3 July 2016):
 if you want him to leave his wife for you, then you stop being available for him at his beck and call.
he calls and fits you in around her. make it so if he has no plans with you then he gets NOTHING.
and if he cancels plans at the last minute more than three times in a row I would go NO contact with him and then see what happens.
sadly for you if he was going to leave her he would have left her already...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2016): She has so much control over him because she is his WIFE. My partner is in no way controlling but of course he comes first in many respects. What do you expect your lover to say to his wife? "Sorry love, I can't come shopping with you I've already arranged to s..g the mistress"Even now she knows about you he still won't leave and she's not giving him to you so you have no chance.I've lost count of the times I've heard a cheating partner say they don't love their "abusive" partner or ever have sex. That may or may not be true but there are many more reasons why older people stay in their relationships. I'm in my 50s and many of us see other things as more important. An easy life with financial stability, a certain future and familiarity are all as desirable as swinging from the chandeliers in the bedroom. In fact more so.You represent a future full of uncertainty. He obviously doesn't want that or he'd be taking steps to leave her.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2016): well this lucky old guy is in the fortunate position of having his cake and eating it.Or you could say dinner and desert and yet he gets your loyalty and sympathy while he meanders along his tricky path!Logically speaking he is being dishonest to both you and her!Imagine you had two men to bed whenever you felt like it and you will see from his point of view that its not worth rocking the boat!I dont think you can make a person do anything without their consent so i suggest you just imagine yourself in his shoes so you can feel good about yourself.Also you might as well realise that it is highly unlikely that she is controlling him by being abusive and needy.More likely she is faithful and he doesnt want to let go and as you arenot there peeking through the window it is very unlikely that they do nothing at all inbed.But why do you care about her sexual activity whenyou are busy with your own?I think you can safely surmise that she is not into threesomes,maybe doesnt want a fifth column in the relationship and thinks its all over with you,if indeed she believes it ever started.I'm uncertain how it will all end.You could confront her with his infidelity towards her and she mightgive him the boot, but would it endear your man more to you?Currently he is used to having your compliance.
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female
reader, Lucie Lou +, writes (3 July 2016):
Hey,umm from what you have written this guy doesn't sound like he loves you but is very comfortable to have you by his side when he desires you may ask how? Firstly, he doesn't bother calling you nor letting you know when he is with his wife, sorry but no man is 'controlled' enough to do something that they don't want to do his wife is not making him do stuff and I hardly believe that she is controlling him - to you he says so (so he gets the much needed understanding and sympathy instead so that when he is ready to spend time with you you show a loving attitude) to them it's called 'spending time together'. Secondly - you write when you spend time together 'she still has control over him' no she does not - he is scared he will get caught so it's easier to label her as a controlling freak. To answer your question, he won't leave his wife and you cannot make him she ALREADY told him that he is free to go to you when she found out about you (this does not sound like a control freak to me) but he chose not to. This clearly tells you that he is not ready to leave her. You have to get out of this relationship because it will destroy you - he is giving you a false hope in order to get what he wants from you when it suits him, he does not respect you nor your time and I don't think you should either as your time is precious. Actions speak louder than words and if you stop responding to his requests and avoid communication altogether - he will soon find out.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2016): I am sorry to let you know that what you have won't last, the truth is once you guys leave your partners you won't be happy as you are as you will be bringing your own problems in this relationship and lot of expectation. Lastly no married in his sober senses can leave his wife for another woman just like that.Please try to work out things with your man, just try something because there are no guarantees that if your boyfriend choose to be with you he won't cheat for you?
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