A
male
 ,
anonymous
writes:I need some advice on how to find a decent girlfriend.I'm a really good looking, athletic guy. I'm a combat veteran, university graduate, and have a well paying corporate job for someone my age (23.) I will be a homeowner in less than 2 years.I was pretty spoilt all through high school and university, girls typically came to me and I reaped the benefits so to speak.But ever since I graduated I don't get decent dates anymore. I always feel like the girl is not attractive enough, and to be honest I think I can do better. This sounds bad I guess, but there should be some level of mutual attraction right?I'm way too picky when it comes to looks...but not only that I have trouble meeting women too. I've had enough of the college bar scene, and alot of the clubs in the city are full of girls I wouldn't date.Where do attractive, intelligent girls go to look for guys? I know there not at frat houses, and after hours clubs.Any advice? Even about me personally?
View related questions:
university Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (11 April 2011):
Hi. There's nothing wrong with talking to a nice young lady anywhere at all - gym, bus stop, railway station, shopping checkout. The opportunities are limitless!
Most times if you do start talking, it's a natural thing where one of you makes a comment about what's happening - in the immediate environment, and it goes from there.
You can talk to anyone anywhere at all. Just first make sure that they look friendly and open, and they aren't reading and looking busy in any way. You can usually see when you can say something - even a little smile if they look your way at the same time as you look their's. You know what I mean. It all comes naturally.
A
female
reader, Battista  +, writes (10 April 2011):
OP thanks for your follow up. It's very helpful actually and gives us a better insight into what you're asking.I personally don't think that there is anything wrong with talking to girls at sports clubs or the gym; I think it is perfectly possible to strike up a friendship without necessarily asking someone out on a date straight away and don't see anything wrong with that. You don't need to jump right in. Certain sports are probably better for meeting people of the opposite sex- tennis or badminton spring to mind as you can have mixed teams, for example.If you are a grad, how about some sort of alumnus association? My uni is always sending me stuff about going to reunions- good way to meet other qualified people maybe?As for the looks thing, I would say don't date anyone you don't find attractive because it probably won't go anywhere. I also think that the reason you are so hung up on looks is because you don't know many intelligent/successful/etc women and only have appearances to judge them by at this stage.Do you have any friends at work who you could go out with, for meals etc?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the responses. I'm willing to admit that I do have a bad attitude. I do come across as 'cocky' I guess, but internally I am actually shy/get nervous...cockiness is more of a mask I think. If I ever dated a girl long enough she would see that, and so far only 1 ever has.
There was a couple of questions I'll try and answer and explain...I'm not looking for a 'model', just a girl that I can look at and think shes attractive. There must be some physical attraction first right?
Should I try dating an unattractive girl (or according to my views) and see how it goes? The problem with that is, I have done that, but I end up doing crazy things like going on dates on the other side of the city just so I dont bump into anyone I know. I know this is terrible way to be...
Someone asked about my own social networks and I'll be honest. Most of my buddies are 'partyboys' or former partyboys any ways. Pretty much every group of females we ever had as friends was ruined because of drama, usually because one of us played one of them...This happened several times and across many groups of girls I've known over the years.
I want to reinforce that I'm not looking for some 'bimbo', just a girl that would be widely considered attractive?
I have alot of interests, outside of working frequently...fitness and athletics is really important to me. Is it appropriate to start up a chat in a gym, or a jogging club/ cycling class? Or would girls find that sleazy?
Another problem is that according to many of my friends is that I have no ability to talk to or pickup women. As stated in my original post, I just got lucky throughout highschool/university.
I quit drinking several months ago, I was sick and tired of going home with some tramp on weekends. I really am trying to change. Most of my buddies still do the same old thing on weekends, but I really want to settle down even just a little bit. I've had many sexual partners but only ONE girlfriend in my entire life. That was ruined by my attitude as well (cheating).
I guess I want to rephrase: what's the best way to RE-network amongst females?
...............................
A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (10 April 2011):
Hi there. You can meet girls absolutely anywhere at all.
You could meet waiting in a queue at the supermarket checkout, a bank, shop counter, post office, waiting on a railway station, at a bus stop - anywhere at all.
Although the look of someone's face and their eyes and their smile and their body shape are the initial draw cards that instigate the first walking up to someone and saying "Hi", beyond that first hello, well that's when the real attraction begins.
It's finding out about each other, interests, hobbies, lifestyles, music, movies, books, etc. And just finding out what makes each other tick. Then the other part of the initial and ongoing attraction, is their smile, their eyes, their voice, their laugh, personality, sense of humour, as well as their sincerity and personal warmth. There is so much to what is considered to be "attraction" between two people.
It isn't just a pretty face and a nice figure. That's only the initial visual cue.
Beyond first seeing an attractive face from across a crowded room, there really is so much more to it than that. The physical side is very superficial.
A person can look good but be as boring as hell with no personality, sense of humour, nothing. Then you can meet an average good looking person, and be wildly attracted to them! You see, it's all about what's inside of that person - that's the real attraction.
The emotional attraction is so powerful, it leaves the physical initial attractive qualities for dead, I promise you. It's the real glue that keeps 2 people together over the long term.
I really think that you are only going for the physical good looks and putting all your focus on that, to the virtual exclusion of all else.
If you are only going for the pretty face and nice figure, you are very seriously narrowing your field of play. It is also greatly reducing your chances of meeting the really great ladies out there.
Don't go out to the public bars and night clubs hoping to meet "Miss Right" every single time you go out. For a start, it will probably ruin your whole night and you won't even enjoy yourself.
Instead, go out with a completely open mind and just enjoy yourself and go with the flow.
Another thing to keep in mind, is to not get too intoxicated so you keep your wits about you and don't start slurring your words and maybe making a fool of yourself at the same time. We've all done this at some time.
In other words, just keep totally aware.
If you do meet nice girls wherever it is that you go, try not to jump into bed with them on that night. Just be friendly and respectful. In other words, get to know them a bit first so it at least has some meaningfulness to it and it won't be just about sex. It will have some substance. Your friendships with women will then be of a much higher quality - which could eventuate into a really great relationship.
If you treat everyone you meet with respect and dignity, you will be treated the same way. Accept only the best for yourself in life and nothing less.
You will find the quality you are looking for in a partner, it's just that at the moment, you need to adjust your focus.
You can do it.
Take care and best wishes.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2011): Be authentic ... Don't mimic society's look on barbie and Ken because you are on that path .. Don't cheat yourself change yourself ! Some attractive women only do care for their looks. Gold digger women always end up upgrading to bigger better deals, so the type you looking for is someone who is like you ... You will end up feeling like you are dating a man not a lady !
...............................
A
female
reader, Battista +, writes (9 April 2011):
Dmartin89's answer is excellent!I would add to it that people of the sort you are looking for usually have their own good networks of friends, and attract the same sort of people on the whole. I know plenty of young, successful, attractive and HIGHLY intelligent men who all work in very well paid professional jobs- rather like you from your description; in their spare time they play sports, travel, or have interesting hobbies which keep them occupied. They go to nice restaurants. They don't hang out in bars looking for women because they know that isn't the place to find the sort of woman you are looking for. On the whole we all met each other either through work or through our social network. That is how I met my fiance; neither of us we out trying to find someone but it just happened as we had developed a friendship over time and had the same sort of tastes.I would ask you why, if you are working in such a good job, etc, what you do in your spare time and what your group of friends is like. Don't you socialise with graduates? Or other girls who will be homeowners in two years? Or do you but are these girls not attractive enough? I think the key to it is your group of friends and what you do in your spare time, not the places you can hang out to attract girls. If you are trying to pick up the sort of girl you are looking for in a bar then you will be waiting a LONG time because that isn't what they do, as you have discovered. Perhaps the fact that you are only 23 is contributing to the problem because your outlook is a bit immature. I would also have to agree with some of the others here and suggest that your ego might also be off putting to women.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2011): Why dont you go for a plain girl instead and I think you'll find she is probably far more loyal a good home maker and faithful.remember if you want a model type girl the chances are she might not hang around for too long!!!!!
...............................
A
female
reader, dmartin89 +, writes (9 April 2011):
 Attractive and intelligent women don't "go out looking" for men. They are usually intelligent enough to know that there are better things to do with their time!My friends and I are intelligent, have our own businesses and are attractive and we know that most men who are out on the "dating scene" are unattractive and desperate or are like you (ego-maniac) so we avoid that kind of thing at all costs! Instead we have dinner parties at each others houses, go to cooking classes, rock climb, go to the gym/exercise classes, salsa etc..where men aren't looking at how attractive we are/are not. Your attitude is very unattractive to me. There's nothing worse than conversing with a person who thinks they are better than you.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2011): The male anon said it succintly below:"You seem to have a very high opinion of yourself. Very unnactractive in a guy. And yes, you're standards are clearly far too high and your aiming for women that are far out of your league. You seem to be the problem here, not women."The only part where I'll disagree with this poster is the idea that these women are out of your league. I would contend that they might very well be in your league, but your attitude may be repelling them or they find your ego a turn off. You make it pretty clear that your most important standard for a mate is a her attractiveness. Generally women, even attractive women, have a lot more criteria when choosing a partner. They want to know if he has a sense of humor, if he's compassionate and how he handles arguments and difficulties. That's why you see a lot of beautiful women going with very ordinary looking men. I've heard a theory before from a male friend that goes a bit like this: "Men should never lower their standards for women, but women naturally lower their standards for men"....The problem with this theory is that it usually comes out of the mouth of an egotistical guy that isn't half as good looking or impressive as he thinks he is. If I were to meet you on a date and you presented yourself by saying you were going to be a homeowner in 2 years, I would firstly be bored and I would secondly start to wonder if the man talking to me was really as shallow as he appeared. Now perhaps my opinion wouldn't matter a you. I probably don't meet your standards of beauty, but I do think a lot of very attractive women might have the same reaction I do.You need to change your outlook, or you're going to be incredibly lonely. We get variations of this question a lot on the site. I'll post a link to a similar question from an older guy having the same problem: www.dearcupid.org/question/i-cant-find-a-date.html
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2011): Any advice? Even about me personally?
It would help to put your ego in the shop and get some of the air let out of it.
It way over inflated.
...............................
A
female
reader, mizz.butterflies  +, writes (9 April 2011):
 You are so intelligent yet ...emotionally immature. I am not offending you while saying this,but you really fell in the trap you set for yourself. yes you are attractive,rich,intelligent...but you cant expect a bimbo barbie to be on the same intellectual level as you. Yes you are attractive but honestly,do you wax once a week? Do you have man's manicure? Do you do solarium once a month? NO. Well,the 100% ATTRACTIVE girl spends most of her days at the salon and the spa,that is WHY SHE LOOKS SO ATTRACTIVE. this attractive girl cares more about the way she looks.
Now there are women who do look attractive,but do not have all this time to spend on such things. These are the classy, non-bimbo barbie girls. You can meet them at the library,the supermarket,the tennis club.
So start associating yourself with these kind of women.
When intellectual attractiveness is achieved, you won't worry about how your honey's breasts don't look like Jenna Jameson's.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2011): You seem to have a very high opinion of yourself. Very unnactractive in a guy. And yes, you're standards are clearly far too high and your aiming for women that are far out of your league. You seem to be the problem here, not women.
...............................
A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (9 April 2011):
 Generally, you cannot help being attracted to someone, its why you think of them as attractive. Start by looking for someone you can connect with on an intellectual level, find someone who you like being around and leave looks out of it. The more you get to know them, the more beautiful they become. It is difficult to describe but I assure you it is very possible.
I think the problem lies in your confidence. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being confident but you have seemed to cross the thin line between confidence and vanity. You are a good looking guy, not to everyone. You were the dreamy masculine figure all the girls rushed to in high school, to some, that makes you an untrustworthy player. Learn to see your own faults because nobody is perfect. I am in NO WAY suggesting you should start to look down on yourself, I am encouraging doubt to make room for true improvement that you may better appreciate the qualities others have. Then you will have the woman of your dreams.
I hope that helps.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2011): Your problem is not the women. Its your ego.
We all need some amount of ego and pride. But with you, it borders on arrogance and pettiness.
The reason you cannot find women is because you are looking for sexual attraction above the emotional. What a person wears and where they hang out and who their friends are should never even enter the equation. The second it becomes a prerogative the 'relationship' is doomed.
You will never find an attractive, intelligent woman because any attractive woman who has any amount of brain-power will see your arrogance immediately and steer clear.
I suggest getting over yourself and to lower your standards a bit because you are judging what may be good women against what also may be impossible standards.
Stop mentioning how much money you have or your job or your combat experience. None of that is relevant unless the woman seeks it out.
You are not fighting a battle here. Aggressiveness and posturing is only gonna ensure you don't find love at all. Humility and grace are what will set you over the line. Just be kind and don't let yourself be walked over though... you do need SOME pride.
Flynn 24
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2011): Well first off i haven't even seen what you look like and i'm already turned off by your attitiude! Why are you looking for a woman based on ONLY looks??
...............................
|
