A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I'm having an affair with a married man....yes i'm married too. we're friends and about two years ago we stepped over that line......I've always thought that people who have affairs are cold people only thinking of themselves and vowed i'd never be able to do that. Well i was so wrong....i have emotions and issues just like every one else out there....but i fell inlove with my friend....and it hurts real bad....how do i let go...having him in my life hurts just as bad as thinking of cutting ties with him.Rene
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2008): hi, thanks for all your response.... i will try and apply it to my situation....
A
female
reader, red horse  +, writes (22 September 2008):
It will never be easy. you have to make up your mind and then cut it off. Any thing that you are use to doing will always take time to get over, just know that you can and don't be to hard on yourself.
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A
female
reader, hlskitten  +, writes (19 September 2008):
 I'm struggling to understand how not splitting from your husband is worse than cheating on their father, and them also basically.
Morals all over the place and using this affair as escapism. Yes, i expect we have all done it to a varying degree at some point, but in a nut shell, at the end of the day, its gotta be faced and dealt with, not brushed under the carpet. Finances, children, whatever, a lot of people are going to be a lot more hurt if it carries on, than if you make choices and act on them from now.
We are all responsible for our actions, and its not even so much getting into these things as much as what we actually do about them in the long run.
C xxxx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2008): Pashanoodle is spot on -- and here is what I would add:First, tell yourself you CAN do this. You may not be able to fully say that you WANT to do this, but start by telling yourself at every turn you CAN and WILL make this happen. The new you that is needed to make this happen is going to be WAY better than the old you who was willing to live in a lie. Keep your focus on that promise - there will be a lot of gut wrenching moments to come, but you will be better for it.Second, create physical distance. You just can't deal with this if you are close quarters with this other man. Also, every time you want to find a way to contrive to see him STOP and do something else. You need to have a plan for your weak moments, run, read, eat, walk, whatever, but don't leave yourself without a concrete plan of action. Third, tell him (the other guy) what you are doing and tell him you will accept nothing but his full support in this effort. He cannot call you or make plans with you anymore. The two of you can never be alone together again. Period.I would also plan for a final heart-to-heart between the two of you. You might be able to help him return to his marriage in a constructive manner - hopefully he will come clean with his wife. But that's not your call. Still, if it were me, I'd spend a bit of time trying to assess what needs are you filling for each other that you are NOT allowing your spouses to fill? You both need to be reminded that when you are married you agree to let your spouse get first shot at filling your emotional, physical, and needs for intimacy. Since the two of you decided to hook up you stopped giving your spouses a chance -- so the "love" you describe now is real, yes, but it is also misplaced. I doubt very much this is a love to end all others. I'm not saying some affairs don't result in new marriages, but its like changing jobs when you hate your boss. You end up in the new job realizing you still have a boss you can't deal with. Same story, different names - only you are the same. You have to be realistic about this and if the marriage is worth being in, which it sounds like it is to you -- even if you only see it now as a practical measure -- then you have to end the affair definitively and leave with as much insight and determination to do the right thing as is humanly possible. IT will get easier over time, but don't give up.You will have to do some major work, together with your husband, to put all the love back in your marriage. Romance your husband, give him the level of attention you have lavished on this other man. You are just taking the energy you have put into this other relationship and focusing it back on your marriage. Through this affair you have likely gotten in touch with some of your other needs, help your husband understand those and meet them for you. Find out what he needs and wants from you. Be honest with each other too about how your finances, kids, lifestyle is making it hard to stay connected and come up with a plan that the two of you can live with. It may even take a separation period...it will likely take the help of an outside pro like a counselor, clergy, whatever, just be open to whatever it takes. Aside from the introspection you might attempt with the other man when you tell him it is over, the rest of the work is between you and your hubby. It sucks because your husband didn't do this to the marriage, you did, and now he is going to have to help you clean up the mess. Be ready for his anger and pain. However, the two of you did quietly agree to check out emotionally it sounds like. He may have done it b/c it hurt him to know or intuit that you "didn't love him" anymore so he distanced himself to try to numb the pain. Who knows - but I hope you can get some help to do the repairs. There is no shame in it - it can restore much and re-energize your relationship. But be patient - it may take a year or more. But that should be the beauty of marriage - the ability to say to each other, "don't worry, I am not going anywhere, if you need time I can give it to you and I will be ready to hold your hand every step of the way - even when it is hard to do so"In the end, I think you both need to come clean with your spouses. IT is going to hurt like hell either way, but how can you live with such a horrid secret? The truth is, you will never be able to fully return to your marriage as a whole person if you cannot give your husband full disclosure. And the marriage doesn't stand a snowball's chance in hell if you hold onto this affair in your heart. If the marriage is what you know in your heart of hearts that you want and you NEED it to succeed, even though it doesn't feel like a good place right now, then you need to make an exclusive place for that in your heart. No room for other monkey business. I would also suggest taking the steps NOW to set up counseling, for you and your husband. It might even be the first step you take - a phone call is easy! But it could set of a chain of events that only direct you toward healing. Show your husband you are willing to do whatever it takes. Truth is, he probably senses you have checked out a long time ago - who knows, maybe he has found someone else too or is considering the idea. But thank God you know it is time to stop hurting yourself and your husband and your kids and start the healing. Good for you if you are willing and ready to take these steps.Truth is - we can love almost anyone. This other man you are with is probably not that magical, you gave him the power to be the one you could escape reality with so that made him seem extraordinary. He's not - after all he is a lying cheat, the very kind of person you never wanted to be with. See this for what it really is. What is extraordinary is a marriage and a relationship with your husband that makes you both incredible in each other's eyes. Now it's time to restore that power to you and your mate. If you can do this your kids will truly thank you one day. I don't think any child is thankful for a parent who cheats on the spouse but "stays in the marriage" for the sake of the kids. They are internalizing your inner turmoil and despair whether they or you realize it or not.Best of luck.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Em +, writes (19 September 2008):
 pashanoodle gives a really good answer. Good Luck.
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A
female
reader, pashanoodle  +, writes (19 September 2008):
 I don;t know if 'falling out of love' with him will be possible.
I'm no expert in this area, but it seems that most affairs start out like you describe - as sex, a bit of a thrill and the good feeling that brings - but it also seems that very often one of the parties (usually the woman) becomes more emotionally attached. From there it can be quite a slippery slope - if you continue the "relationship" you are bound to want more from him and when he can't or won;t give you that you feel rejected or resentful and probably think about making all sorts of threats etc. It's when things start to unravel like this that one or both of the spouses usually finds out - and then that S*@# really hits the fan. It also seems fairly common that the guy stays with his wife and the other woman loses everything...
You made deliberate, conscious choices in order to enter into and continue this affair...now it's time to make deliberate, conscious choices to get out of it.
You will feel pain but I think you run the risk of feeling even more if you don;t stop this now.
So - end it, don;t see him anymore, don;t have contact.
As for your marriage - you're not being fair to your husband to stay for the kids sake, or for finances. You're not being fair to yourself either. You should really think about taking steps to either repair the relationship with your husband OR to end things amicably.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, epifanatical +, writes (19 September 2008):
 its always the same scenario isnt it? dont judge a situation unless you have experienced it.. my dear you are in a difficult situation.. and i think the best thing you can do is have a break from it.. seriously.. take a week or two away from things and do your thinking..take a long close look at your marriage, and decide whether it can be saved.. and also look at your affair and decide what is best there.. he is married and you are married.. these are the facts.. so you will both hurt alot of ppl if you decide to be together.. which may backfire later..
however, you say you love him, and cant bear to be not seeing him or breaking up with him.. thats why i feel you need a break.. its only then when you step away can you see things a lil clearer.. and make the decisions better.. remember, its your future at stake here.. its never easy to know what to do.. but if you follow whats in your heart.. what you truly want and desire to be happiest then you will know that. i wish you the best.. :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questiondear aunty em.....i kinda fell out of love with my husband years ago....I'm just there cause i need to be there-i love my kids and will try not to hurt them..financially we are buggered and i won't be able to even make it a day on my own...i'm never rude or nasty to my hubby except the occasional arguement one always have...My friend and i never touched the issue of leaving our spouses....I fell in love with him, not he with me i don't think he feels the same way about me... it's just about the sex and how good you feel after it....the problem is just you want more and more and the emotion and feeling thingy creeps in and make it worse...
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A
female
reader, Aunty Em +, writes (19 September 2008):
How long is a piece of string? We could volunteer a thousand answers and not one would be doable as a painless rememde.
Are you in love with your friend, more so than your husband? Does he feel the same? Then, isn't it worth it to detatch from your marriage and be happy together?
Or, you know what you did was wrong. Ending the relationship with your friend won't be as bad as it seems. Focus on your marriage, if you think it's worth it.
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