A
female
age
41-50,
*dorskable
writes:I feel so sad guilty and ashamed. Yesterday my hubby and me went out for drinks after work, we were having so much fun that we didn't want to call it a night so we went home and continue drinking and my best friend tagged along we were having a blast. I can honestly say it was the alcohol that gave me the courage to do this, because I would have never done this in my right mind. My husband and I had a threesome with my best-friend. I feel so embarrassed, I don't know how am I going to face them both after this. I feel so ashamed, so dirty, I just feel bad and yucky. I am in disbelieve that I did this and how can I expect my husband to respect after this. I'm confuse on how to act towards them both what should I do?
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best friend, drunk, threesome Reply to this Question
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female
reader, raiders  +, writes (22 November 2010):
 Good luck, I am glad you are feeling better and that you understand that you had nothing to feel ashamed off. I wish you the best please keep us posted.
A
female
reader, FloridaCatGirl +, writes (22 November 2010):
 I'm glad to hear you are feeling better! Let us know what happens when you talk to your friend. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Adorskable +, writes (22 November 2010):
Adorskable is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you all for your advise. I will give you a quick follow up since that day my husband and I talked about it and agreed not talk about it again. I can't really get mad at him because I freely participated I was not force, drunken but not force. My best friend and I haven't talked I think she is avoiding me, I don't know but I think she might feel uncomfortable too. We will see what happens with our friendship I will try to talk to her. As the days went by I can honestly say I feel a little better about this whole mess but I can guaranteed you it will not happen again.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2010): Since you haven't faced them yet, I'm assuming they are both still sleeping. Here is what you do: Quietly close your laptop and carefully sneak out of bed so as not to disturb them. Dress quickly and spread empty booze bottles and other incriminating evidence around the room. Then make a great show of arriving home from a business trip to find your husband and best friend in the sack with each other. Wave a kitchen knife threateningly and demand an explanation. Deny any participation and forcibly express contempt for their drunken behavior and betrayal as well as their pathetic attempt to involve you. What a ridiculous story! etc. etc. Your best friend will disappear from your life, and your husband will never mention the incident again. Problem solved. And quit drinking. It's messing up your life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2010): Omg, I just realized your husband was the one who initiated it. Are you kidding me for feeling ashamed? You are not the one who should feel ashamed. I feel like your husband set you up. He might have already talked to your best friend about this, got you drunk and put you in a position that you just went along. I dont' know about this. I would actually be kinda worried about the two of them instead of sitting here blaming myself and feeling ashamed. You need to get rid of the best friend and watch out for the husband and have a talk w/ him. Please don't blame yourself, somehow the situation was so manipulated that you're taking on all the blame. It doesn't make any sense to me at all.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2010): Ok I can see why you are ashamed. Obviously you're not used to this kinda thing so it's normal for you to feel this way. But listen, there are two other people involved. One of whom is your own husband. If anything, he should be ashamed. He should've known and taken care of you. Anyhow, it's not something you should feel dirty about. You had fun and that's that. As far as your best friend, I don't know if I'd really wanna hang out w her again. I would probably be too jealous. Your husband, I don't know. You gotta have a talk w/ him. Don't feel ashamed. You didn't do this along. Just remember, next time drink in moderation. You never know, what could happen when you are drunk.
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male
reader, Sandman +, writes (20 November 2010):
 It sounds like the first thing you need to do is forgive yourself. You made a mistake that you regret - okay. But don't continue to dwell on the issue. Focus on your marriage and keeping the bond between you and your husband strong.
There really isn't anything TO say. You can face them. Remember, the shame you are feeling is the shame you are putting on yourself. While I understand why you feel the way you do, there isn't anything you can do to take back the night. So therefore, when you see your husband - give him a kiss and hug or whatever it is you do to greet him. When you see your best friend, give her a hug and continue to have the relationship you had with her BEFORE you had sex with her and your husband.
Don't bring it up. If one of them brings it up, simply tell them that you wish not to speak of the night and that you also wish that it doesn't happen again. That way, both parties know (in case they're planning round 2) that you are not interested in repeating that mistake. Be clear and firm in your decision and communication so there is no mistaking that you do NOT want to do this again.
Hope this helps.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2010): Remove. Booze. From. Your. Life.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2010): now that i have read your follow up post i am revising my reply.
FloridaCatGirl's reply is perfect. I have rated her reply an all the stars excellent reply.
Now that i know your husband has been pressuring you to have a threesome, and now that i know he initiated this threesome, my reply is different.
You have in the past refused a threesome. But this time You had far too much to drink, so your judgement was clouded. If your husband had been a gentleman he would have taken you home, alone, and gently tucked you up in bed because you were too drunk to agree to anything.
You did not give informed consent. Your so called best friend is a disappointment to me too. I would not ever trust her motives again around your husband.
And your husband should be apologizing to you for taking advantage when you were drunk.
Walk forward with your head held high if you are resolved to not get drunk again, and refuse any further efforts for a threesome to occur.
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female
reader, FloridaCatGirl +, writes (20 November 2010):
I agree... you need to keep eye on your hubby and friend. I was under the impression that YOU were the one that initiated the threesome. Did you talk to your husband and friend about it yet? You need to let them know it was a mistake that will not happen again.
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female
reader, raiders +, writes (20 November 2010):
You might want to keep a closer eye on your friend and hubby but whats done is done, don't dwell on it and give it time you will get over it.
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female
reader, Adorskable +, writes (20 November 2010):
Adorskable is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know I was drunk but I did not initiated this threesome, it was my husband.
He had asked me before if I would ever have a threesome and I would always reply back saying NO.
Last night when it happened I didn't feel pressured but I so regret it now, I understand that its to late and I can't go back in time but I feel so embarrassed.
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female
reader, FloridaCatGirl +, writes (19 November 2010):
Try not to beat yourself up over this… the mistake has been made. If you haven’t done so already… definitely speak with your husband and friend (separately), and let them know that it was a mistake. I have read plenty of posts about marriages that have broken up over this… because the friend and the hubby decided they wanted seconds… even if they had to do it behind the wife’s back. It opened up a whole new can of worms. Your husband now knows that your friend is sexually attracted to him… and vice versa. This changes the dynamic of their relationship… it’s no longer a platonic friendship… they’re both attracted to each other and they know it. If you wanted to try a 3some… you should have found a stranger or someone you are not very close to and do not interact with very often. Would you trust your husband and best friend to hang out together now? From everything I’ve read, you would be foolish to do so. I think embarrassment is the least of your problems now. I know she is your best friend… but if you value your marriage, you will take every precaution to keep your husband from straying… and that means you need to distance yourself from her. If you hang out with her… do not bring your husband along, and don’t bring her to your home. Have you talked to them yet? What was their reaction? Keep us updated. I hope everything works out well for you!
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female
reader, raiders +, writes (19 November 2010):
I don't see why you need to apologize because this was a mistake done by all three, I am sure you didn't point a gun to their heads, they were more than willing so I don't think you owe them an apology.
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female
reader, raiders +, writes (19 November 2010):
Your husband has no right not respect you after this, he played along and was willing to take part in it.
We can't turn back time all we can do is learn from our mistakes.
I would suggest that you act normal be yourself but if you feel so uncomfortable about it than simply tell them both that this threesome was a big mistake.
Don't dwell to much on it and I'm sure that your hubby and bff feel the same way.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2010): Ok, so you made a mistake and yes it's going to be awkward for a while. Your husband has no right to lose respect for you because he was there too. I could understand it if you cheated on him and had a threesome with another man but you didn't so he has no right to judge.
I think the best thing to do is just bite the bullet and have a talk with this friend. Hopefully it will all just blow over and in a few years time you'll be laughing about it.
Maybe you shouldn't drink next time if you think something like this will happen again. Don't be too hard on yourself and just chalk it up to a mistake and move on.
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A
male
reader, slimfish  +, writes (19 November 2010):
 you need to hold your head up and get on with your life.
you really have done nothing wrong. this was consensual sex and was enjoyable for all parties. why should feel dirty?. all three of you done this, not just you. it dosnt matter in the scheme of things, so just put it behind you, and get on with your life.
if the subject is brought up by either of the other two, just smile and change the subject. you cant turn the clock back, so why dwell on it?.
good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2010): you are putting all the blame on you, and that is not fair. Are you blaming you because you initiated it? Your husband partook of this too. Was he too blind drunk to say no, or was he aware? If the latter he could have stopped it but he didn't. So you may have a problem if he wants the threesome again. And your 'best friend'????? Also could have said no or pushed you away. What if your best friend fancies your husband and wants some exclusive time with him and some more threesomes. You can surely see that alcohol is not your friend? You may even lose your best friend. And your husband may never trust you to be alone with your best friend ever again . Talk to your husband first and tell him you feel sorry, ashamed about what happened . And in the presence of your husband, (not in your home nor the home of your best friend)but in a public place, i think you may also need to apologise to your friend
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2010): The likelyhood is your husband feels awkward too, the best thing to do is talk to him about it, or your bestfriend first to clear things up.
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female
reader, muffy +, writes (19 November 2010):
 Well hunny,your husband has no reason not to respect you.He went along with it too.And so did your friend.You guys were drunk and were just having fun.Don't dwell too much on it.In your eyes, you made a mistake and all you can do is learn from it.It's not that big of a deal so don't let it get to you.I promise,the world isn't going to end.I hope you feel better.If you need anything just let me know.
Love and kisses,
Muffy33
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female
reader, SirenaBlusera +, writes (19 November 2010):
 I wouldn't say that alcohol makes you courageous, it compromises your judgement and makes you less inhibited.
First of all, I don't think you should ever drink again... I am not trying to be mean but you just can't hold your liquor!! Being drunk can be REALLY dangerous... nexttime something even worse, possibly tragic could happen.
Your husband was aware that this happened, he was there. Just say that you're sorry and that you hope they forgive you, and then start over from there. Unfortunately we can[t go back in time, but you seemed to have learned from your mistakes. That's all you can really do.
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