A
female
age
36-40,
*-gurl704
writes:It has been about 4 years since I had an abortion. I had gotten pregnant by my ex. I had also gotten sick around the time I was pregnant. I had to make a choice to have surgery for my illness and lose the baby..or stay sick and keep it..I informed of ex of this and I ended up making the decision to get an abortion..I told him it was a possibility I was going to get an abortion but never confirmed anything with him..after our convo I never heard from him again until like 3 months later he showed up at my house after everything was all over and done.. I didn't go to the door. I was still so hurt by they way i felt he left me alone. I now 4 years later i still haven't really moved on. I have some much built up hate for me. I never found out why he just went missing when I told him about me being pregnant and why he never cared to check on me until months later. Sometimes I want to get in contact with him just for closure. But on the other hand I don't even want to open that chapter back up. What should I do?
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abortion, my ex Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (18 February 2012):
 Asking for help is the smartest of moves. Those who make the decision to get help are outnumbered by those who don't. Well done that you are making these major decisions.
Re choosing a therapist:
Ask questions yourself before you choose which one. They are not all the sane and you need a good therapist. Make sure you feel comfortable, supported and
respected. And will make a good difference
A
female
reader, d-gurl704 +, writes (18 February 2012):
d-gurl704 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you all...your resplies were so very helpful..I have contemplated getting professional help for a while but haven't actually did it yet..but 4 years later and I'm not getting better..I think it's time.. I am not going to seek closure because I don't think at this point it's even worth it..it would just give an opportunity for lines of communication to be open and for him to make excuses..thanks again everyone
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (18 February 2012):
And I loved your feedback. Thank you
Really good to read feedback so nice as that
Hope things get better and better for you in the future.
Regards
Abella
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (17 February 2012):
 Abella is totally correct and Elizabeth Kubler-Ross on Death and dying is an awesome book.
I am sorry you had to make such a tough choice and that your then bf was a jerk about it. But you do have your closure.
Would you consider counseling to help you finish the mourning for the losses you suffered? I think it might help you get the closure you seek.
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A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (17 February 2012):
 Women who for whatever reason terminate a pregnancy, or have a miscarriage, or lose a child often suffer painful emotions and feelings. Same thing happens with any type of bereavement.Your ex treated you terribly and wasn't there when you needed him, a horrible thing to do to a person who was scared and vulnerable. You say that you haven't moved on and the anger and bitterness is still with you. The grief may still also be with you and increase the feelings of hate. I think counselling or therapy would help you be able to find a way to let go and deal with what happened and move on to the brighter future that awaits you. Look for services that deal with helping people who have had abortions, the feelings for your ex can be dealt with whilst you tackle that issue.I'm sorry for the pain you have suffered. Go deep into the emotions with a professional and I think you will gain some needed relief. Religious groups are also brilliant on working on anger, grief, hate and forgiveness, there is no need to continue going through this alone when there are people there to help you.
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A
female
reader, d-gurl704 +, writes (17 February 2012):
d-gurl704 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much abella ...r u right..I am going to close that part of my life forever and not look back...and u gave some very good ways and hobbies to use to try to get over the situation..I will consider them because right now I'm trying to move into new relationships but because I'm still so bitter it's hard
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2012): "I never found out why he just went missing when I told him about me being pregnant and why he never cared to check on me until months later."
He went missing BECAUSE you told him you were pregnant. He never cared to check on you because he didn't care about you, that's why he went missing when you told him you were pregnant.
"Sometimes I want to get in contact with him just for closure."
You got your closure when you didn't open your door to him more than three years ago. Do you really think he's spent one second thinking about you since, never mind how he made you "feel?"
"But on the other hand I don't even want to open that chapter back up."
You can't open that chapter back up, you still haven't closed it.
"What should I do?"
Stop wasting any more of your life being "hurt" by the "way [you] felt" he left you alone. He DID leave you alone, nothing to "feel."
Scumbag abandons you when you needed him most, suddenly shows up months later long after the crisis, bids a hasty retreat when he realizes no more free meals at your house, and years later you're still so consumed with "hatred" you're considering tracking him down because you still need "closure" for how he made you "feel" he left you alone? HE KNEW YOU WERE GOING TO "FEEL" LEFT ALONE BECAUSE HE INTENDED TO LEAVE YOU ALONE, THAT'S WHY HE WENT MISSING, SO HE COULD LEAVE YOU BEHIND, ALONE!
I'm sure he'd be just devestated to know after all this time you're still "hurt" about how he made you "feel" and will immediately offer profuse and sincere apologies, granting you the "closure" you so desperately need to get on with your life.
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A
female
reader, shrodingerscat +, writes (17 February 2012):
 Abella is absolutely correct. He behaved in an incredibly irresponsible and hateful way. Fighting with him or "telling him off" in the guise of "closure" will not actually help you as much as you think.
I suggest if you are in serious emotional dire straights about this man, seek professional help from a therapist, who may be able to prescribe you some medication for a short while to help you deal with the anxiety you feel.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (17 February 2012):
hi, no matter how enticing a stand-up / show-down might seem as a 'closure' device I would suggest you think of calmer options.
Your illness would have resulted in a terribly stressful time. Being unsupported and alone would be the pits, I would imagine.
The grief you have been through has clearly been very very tough indeed. But you have suffered enough and it now some time to concentrate on healing your spirit. You can do it.
One of the most inspiring authors to help anyone deal with grief is Elizabeth Kubler-Ross.
And you are indeed stuck in the anger stage.
You may need some additional support to get you through to the acceptance stage. Millins of people have done this and so can you.
Kubler-Ross calls the stages: denial (disbelief/shock/this is not happening)
You go through that stage.
Then Anger (how dare he do this to me - it is OK to stand on a windswept mountain and yell all your most angry thoughts into the wind, or write them into a letter you never post, but them symbolically burn the paper over a trash can))
You are stuck there.
Then some bargaining
Then the stage where some help is important where you may get a little sad about the loss of the relationship, his betrayal of trust etc
You did what you did for your health - your survival instinct was strong. FORGIVE yourself NOW. You did nothing wrong - your good health is very important. And you lived to give yourself a chance in the future to do many things, including babies in the future IF you meet a good man who is 'father AND reliable partner material.
And finally you will reach acceptance where you recognise that you are a good person deserving of a better man than him. Deserving a good supportive kind people around you
Deserving of empathic people who are never petty, never unkind, never judgemental.
Then you will understand and accept fully that you are deserving of RESPECT and love and trust and acceptance for the good person you are.
Your ex is beneath contempt.
Do not waste another thought on him. He is a fair weather 'acquaintence' only. Not even a friend,
He was unkind and irresponsible and callous about your situation.
Never even give him a hint of any wish to reconcile. You deserve better.
To help rid you of these long held angry feelings you should definitely consider a safe reliable way to relax. To do that you can try a number of things, some or all that is suggested.
1. Get enough sleep
2. Try using affirmations
3. Learn more about Meditation
4. Consider enrolling in a Yoga class
5. Obtain some relaxation DVDs - they work.
6. Rid your home of clutter and anything that reminds you of him
7. Get involved with some form of exercise - yoga is a start, but walking, cycling, running, swimming can all be very relaxing.
8. Avoid and turn away from Toxic people who are unkind or negative or unsupportive towards you
9. Get involved in an inexpensive absorbing hobby that gives you fun and may even earn you an extra income.
10. Start a daily journal and pour out your thoughts into it. You will see things more clearly and you will see yourself improving daily. Write up anything you did well that day.
Add a star to the page if you did some exercise that day.
It works.
But allowing him back, even for a moment, would open up old still festering emotional wounds.
And Delay your recovery.
He is done, he walked away when he did not want to face things. Because he is weak.
An honorable guy would have been there for you. Your Ex Outed himself as spineless.
A weak man will never stand by you in a storm.
Be thankful that when you choose wisely next time - then you will be choosing an emotionally strong guy with backbone = father material
Your future children will thank four your good judgement.
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A
female
reader, Babs1 +, writes (17 February 2012):
Sad story. But it is in the past, four years in the past. You don't know the exact reason he left you and it doesn't really matter even if it seems like it does. He left because he is selfish and he didn't care about you. And you don't need him to care about you, he probably did you a great favor by leaving and not staying in your life where I would imagine he wouldn't make a very good partner. Be happy that you made a good decision for yourself and feel sorry for him because he obviously is not a very happy person. There is a lot to be said for letting something go, I know that it is hard, or that it can be, but you do have the power to do it. Try to change your perspective and just make the decision to not be angry about it. Just let it go.
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A
male
reader, SonOfMan  +, writes (17 February 2012):
 You had choices to make and you made the one which suited your circumstances at the time. A choice which you obviously thought was right.
It's not right that he wasn't there. It seems selfish and inconsiderate. I think it's down to you to make that decision on how to best move on.
From every situation, good or bad; we have to take lessons in order to develop and become better people. So I think you should base your choice on the one which you think will be most comfortable in handling and make sure you take something out of it.
Sometimes, certain people are not worth the hassle, it sounds like unfortunately he's one of those people. So if you can close that chapter and find the strength to move on then good for you.
If you do decide to confront him about it, and think this will help you to end this episode and start a new chapter, then you should do it in a way to make him fully understand what his actions have caused.
I know it's easier said than done but try not to let it be an argument where nothing comes out of it. You need to be calm and assert your feelings and make him realize just how much of an ass he has been.
Either way, I'm sure you'll find the strength to move on with your life and look forward to a better future.
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