A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have a bit of a problem... I am in my early twenties and well, I am a virgin, and have had next to zero experience with men... which I may add, is normal in my culture... in fact, more than acceptable, it's preferable... However, as far as I am concerned, rather than trying to conform to the norms of the society, I have not met a man who I would like to be with... The thing is, I find myself, overtly sexual... I mean, I don't show it (I hope!) but I find myself thinking about sex A LOT, like, a lot, especially at work, I find myself distracted quite a few times... I masturbate as well and though I don't do it everyday of the week, I just somehow have to do it on the weekends... I mean, literally, just have to... I think somewhere it affects everything else that I do... I have strange dreams as well...I also think it's somewhere normal, because, well, I am of age and it must be natural to have such urgesMy question is, how do I stop, or put it off? I don't like thinking about sex all the time, its not... convenient...I also would not like to engage in casual sex, since I think I am a little too sensitive and idealistic for that and I don't think I will be lifting any proverbial bell jars... How do I stop or control it?I have tried not thinking about it, trying to tire myself out on nights doing something else so that I drop to sleep... but then I find myself alone, and it just starts and it feels amazing so it's almost impossible to stop till it's overI feel absolutely pathetic after it's all done and it's out of my system... help! please...
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male
reader, truelover +, writes (21 February 2011):
 Hey there!I'd like to add something to the excellent points already made by the other aunts since I've been in a similar situation (although the frequency of engaging in the kind of "activity" you mentioned was much more!).1. Do NOT resist your urges/feelings (this will only fuel them more)because they are perfectly natural. Instead welcome them as an opportunity to know yourself, and own your sexuality (or become a better lover for your life partner-to-be, if that's something more agreeable to you)2. Engage in other activities that you enjoy. In my case, it was traveling, reading, watching movies, hanging out with friends.. Pick activities that take you outdoors (like out of the city and away from the crowds... like scenic, quiet rustic places). Listen to good music, or spend time with your girlfriends. The first 3-5 days will be the hardest but your mind will gradually make the shift.I'd like to add, that Indian culture is not homogeneous, but highly varied. But it is true, that across the cultural spectrum, discussing and understanding sexuality here is considered taboo. Most kids here don't have an elder guide or mentor them about anything in this regard. If anything they (both boys and girls) are told to avoid it completely with statements like "There's a time for everything""Wait till you're married""Concentrate on your studies/job. Everything else will take care of itself"Kids pick up stuff from the media, their friends and (nowadays) also the net. That's why many consider sex to be bad... lowly distraction... to represent "base" desiresBoth boys and girls are discouraged but it's stronger for the girls especially in the middle class.
A
female
reader, AskPru  +, writes (20 February 2011):
 Hello my dear!
First, I would like to reassure you. Your thoughts about sex are completely natural and you shouldn't punish yourself for having them. I suspect the guilt you are feeling comes from the fact that in your culture a woman should not appear overtly sexual; however, this does not mean that you cannot acknowledge your sexual urges in private.
I actively encourage young women who are sexually inexperienced to engage in masturbation, because it helps you to understand how your body responds to touch. Organism achieved through self-fulfilment is important as it not only helps relax us, satifes our urges, but gives us confidence when we finally meet the right person. If a woman does not understand how she orgasms, how can we expect a man to?
As a virgin, your sexual thoughts may be more hightened than others who are actively engaging in sexual relations. There is no need to repress these thoughts. You should take heart in your decision to remain a virgin until you meet the right man, while at the same time celebrate your sexual awakening in private. You must stop feeling pathetic, rather you should enjoy your body knowing that these private experiences will ultimately result in a much more positive love life when the time comes.
Once you stop feeling guilty and start enjoying your alone time, your anxieties will start to disappear. You will find your are able to enjoy your body and have sweet dreams afterwards knowing you are remaining true to yourself and your culture.
Best wishes, Pru
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A
female
reader, SweetSmoochy  +, writes (20 February 2011):
 You're normal, musturbation is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of, and more power to you for saving yourself for someone special. I certainly wish I had waited a little bit longer to figure out if my first was as special as I thought he was.
Masturbation might be a good way to satisfy yourself and keep your urges at bay. Don't feel pitiful or bad afterwards, feel empowered, and enjoy the healthy, natural chemicals your body releases after an orgasm. They'll boost your immune system, energy, and mood.
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A
female
reader, AskPru +, writes (20 February 2011):
Hello my dear!
First, I would like to reassure you. Your thoughts about sex are completely natural and you shouldn't punish yourself for having them. I suspect the guilt you are feeling comes from the fact that in your culture a woman should not appear overtly sexual; however, this does not mean that you cannot acknowledge your sexual urges in private.
I actively encourage young women who are sexually inexperienced to engage in masturbation, because it helps you to understand how your body responds to touch. Organism achieved through self-fulfilment is important as it not only helps relax us, satifes our urges, but gives us confidence when we finally meet the right person. If a woman does not understand how she orgasms, how can we expect a man to?
As a virgin, your sexual thoughts may be more hightened than others who are actively engaging in sexual relations. There is no need to repress these thoughts. You should take heart in your decision to remain a virgin until you meet the right man, while at the same time celebrate your sexual awakening in private. You must stop feeling pathetic, rather you should enjoy your body knowing that these private experiences will ultimately result in a much more positive love life when the time comes.
Once you stop feeling guilty and start enjoying your alone time, your anxieties will start to disappear. You will find your are able to enjoy your body and have sweet dreams afterwards knowing you are remaining true to yourself and your culture.
Best wishes, Pru
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A
male
reader, sevenseals +, writes (20 February 2011):
 There's absolutely nothing wrong with casual sex and/or masturbation. Psychological dependencies on masturbation could become problematic for other aspects of your life, but that's easily maintained (like dropping caffeine cold-turkey).
Your "horniness" is really just the end-result of your biological and hormonal need to experience sex. You can avoid it until marriage if you so choose, but honestly there's no real reason to do so. Morals and religious beliefs are a silly excuse, because religion is an inhibitor to natural life and because morality has nothing to do with when you decide to have sex and with whom.
Don't ever feel ashamed. You're a biological creature, and like all creatures, you share the need for sex. Even the most conservative and religious types (without any serious psychological issues) cannot escape those same feelings. Just look at the number of cases of conservative leaders bowing down to their sexual desires and getting caught! Though it's shameful for them due to their hypocrisy, it's really quite normal.
Get out there and have some (safe) fun!
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A
male
reader, Cupid Boy  +, writes (20 February 2011):
 First off, I think it's great you aren't promiscuous like many others in their 20s and have no interest in casual sex.
That said, do you personally feel, or were you taught that, sex is something dirty, shameful and forbidden? I've heard that being told something is off-limits to you actually can make you think about it more and become preoccupied with it. (Like when Adam and Eve were told they could eat from any tree in the garden except one, that naturally made them focus on the one they couldn't have.) According to some reports, those who develop the biggest problems with things like sex, masturbation, etc., ironically are those who were actively warned against these things and tend to see them as shameful.
Also, you've never had sex so it is still somewhat of a mystery to you and carries a certain mystique which will make you wonder about it more. This is inevitable.
How to control your urges? If you're thinking about them at work and there has been nothing to trigger it, you may be a somewhat introverted person who lives in her thoughts. Try to direct your attention outward instead of inward. Focus on direct reality, on the here and now, not on fantasy scenarios in your mind. Concentrate on the task at hand. There is a time and place for daydreaming but it's not at work!
There's differing views on masturbation out there, but doing it on weekends doesn't seem like anything excessive or out of control. If it's not pulling you away from your family and friends in real life, why do you see it as a problem?
Getting turned on often may be "inconvenient" but keep in mind, the only ones who don't get horny are depressed people, sick people, sexually abused people, and the elderly. Your urges are a sign of youth and health. Don't let them rule you but don't be ashamed of them either.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2011): I think the fact you are trying to hard Not to think about it will make you do just that. You need to realise that thinking about sex or masturbation are natural. I think if you just let yourself go with the flow it wouldn't be such a big deal and gradually it wouldn't be as big of an issue.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2011): Sexual thoughts are inconvenient a lot of the time, but I don't think there is anything you can do about it. I does indicate (probably) indicate that you have a curiousity about men. Have you tried meeting them?
I'm not suggesting that you have sex with them and I think you're right to not want casual relationships. As a virgin, it might be hard for you to appreciate, but when you are new with men, sex is often less enjoyable than masturbating. So sex or even the things you fantasize about aren't neccessarily the answer.
I think the thoughts might be so persistent because you think it is forbidden. I would suggest two things:
1) Start dating men and getting to know them. Actively look for a husband/partner if you can...I'm not sure if that is culturally permissible for you. But at least that way you use your energy in a productive way.
2) Don't be ashamed of masturbation. It's not pathetic. Doing it a couple times a week is not out of the ordinary. Both men and women do this all the time, even the ones with partners.
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