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male
age
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anonymous
writes:How do you let your fiance know that you know she is cheating without her getting mad because you have been looking at her email that she keeps leaving open,most recent email to her "friend""I still want to meet with you. I want to try if you are available to meet Saturday April 20th if not maybe the following Saturday. I would however would have to meet you somewhere as he off on weekends, so we could not meet here. Hope to talk to you when you return from your trip. I do know what I am going to tell him when I go to meet you so he does not get suspecious."
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (11 April 2013):
 ummm how does what she wrote indicate she's cheating...
maybe she's meeting him to plan a surprise gift for you and that's why she needs a reason or an excuse?
I mean yeah it's PROBABLE that she's cheating but without PROOF, that one particular email does NOT scream that she's having a sexual or romantic relationship with him... just that something is going on with him that she does not wish you to know about.
bigger issue for me is what made you snoop?
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2013): NO GPS OR STALKING HER!! That was TERRIBLE advice!
Where is the clue that she's cheating?!?!
There's GOT to be some other reason you think she is cheating evacuee that email PROVES NOTHING WHATSOEVER!!
Hey maybe she's cheating, but that email is NOT proof. All it says is that she is meeting up with someone for ANY reason and can't tell you for some other reason -- maybe, as iAHTHY and Chigirl said, you're controlling or she just feels like you're too sensitive or jealous and would misinterpret it.
You need FACTS before assuming she's cheating -- innocent until proven guilty -- is that lost on many of you?? I genuinely though that many of the veteran aunts and uncles would have picked up on it.
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female
reader, raiders +, writes (11 April 2013):
 This really does not confirm that she is cheating, this could be a business meeting, she might be trying to sell someone tupperware for all you now. You need to talk to her before you start assuming she is cheating because I read nothing that says I want to go meet with you because I want to have sex and cheat on my snooping husband...she is meeting someone that you no nothing off but you need to find out who and why before you accuse.
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male
reader, CMMP +, writes (11 April 2013):
+1 for using the Cerberus Method.
Her cheating wasn't a drunken accident it was premeditated deception with no regard to the guy she agreed to marry. It indicates a (not necessarily sexual) dissatisfaction with your relationship, which means that you two need to part ways.
If there's one thing I've learned it's that you need to treat a cheater like they deserve to be treated. Don't give them the benefit of asking why, begging them not to do it again, etc. Throw them on their asses and make them ask the questions and beg- and if you're doing it right they'll go unanswered.
The exception to this would be if you're married and have children. Then it's not so simple.
You should be thinking her for doing it before you got married.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (11 April 2013):
 I have to echo my fellow aunts here.. Why would you need to hide that you snooped? What's going on here, theres some things you aren't telling us.
If you happened to snoop, for whatever reason, and have legit reason to believe she is cheating, then you would want to END the relationship. Who cares then that she gets mad, you would be broken up. She would be angry and upset anyway.
That is, if you're actually sure she's cheating. The e-mail you repeated to us could just as easily have been about something else other than a meeting between lovers. Perhaps she feels a need to hide from you who she meets, because of other reasons than cheating. Perhaps you're a controlling man who wont allow her to meet her friends because you dislike those friends. Perhaps you're controlling and that's why you snooped, and she knew you'd snoop so she placed that e-mail here to catch you in the act.
Whatever it is, it is clear you do not trust her. It is also clear, she does not trust you. So whether she is actually cheating or not, this relationship is going nowhere. Without trust there is no relationship, just a facade.
Talk to her, lay the cards on the table and get this sorted out. It might not be a bad thing to evaluate where this relationship is going and if perhaps it isn't best to end it before you get even more hurt and suspicious.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (11 April 2013):
 Why would you worry if she gets mad, since anyway you are going to dump her, aren't you ?...
Aren't you ? ....
Or , what you want to confront her what for ? ... Hear an explanation, a justification ? Give her time to fabricate some straw excuse which you can clutch at ? I bet she would be able to convince you that " nothing happened " and " they never had sex " and " she just needed someone to talk to,because she felt you were emotionally distant " . You know what, it may even be true, maybe she never actually did the deed with the guy, the message you read does not suggest anything specific sexually, so I guess she might be acquitted on a technicality :). But, do you want to stay engaged , and then marry, a person who's so disloyal , secretive and conniving ?
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female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (11 April 2013):
 She is utterly in the wrong to cheat. I mean, you are both engaged - have made a promise - to marry, which she is not honoring. A woman of her word she most certainly is not!
I'm inclined to say you shouldn't have looked at her emails - but then, she left them open, and who knows how long this would have gone on if you hadn't found her out? Maybe she left them so accessible was because at some level she actually wanted to be found out so your relationship could be brought to an end. I don't know; that's just a guess, of course.
And now? You can either tell her what you discovered and are therefore breaking off all further contact; OR just tell her she is now your ex-fiancée and she is not to look for anything further from you.
Good luck!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2013): "How do you let your fiance know that you know she is cheating without her getting mad because you have been looking at her email that she keeps leaving open"
You don't because you can't.
And if you do confront her, then she'll either deny it or blame you for driving her to do it.
As Cerberus says, you let her know that you know she is cheating by throwing her out on her ear. Anything less and you can expect to be treated like the doormat you'll have proven yourself to be, and deservedly so.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 April 2013):
 I'm with Cerberus on this one.
I would follow his advice to the T. You REALLY think she would STOP because she got caught? Or because you guys get married?
She is OLD enough to KNOW better.
Why waste more time on her?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2013): If you are 100% certain she is cheating on you, her feelings on this matter are irrelevant. If she is cheating on you, you need to get out of the relationship. It's better you found out now, then after you marry her. I know, easy for ME to say. It's hurtful, disappointing to say the least. But you know it's the right thing to do. You cannot have a solid trusting relationship with this over your head. You deserve to be loved and you deserve loyalty and trust.I would not put too much energy into this. If you really feel you need proof, have her followed or put a gps on her car and go to where she ends up, walk in on her, make sure she sees you, quietly and calmly tell her to make sure she moves all her things out by the morning, or you will be gone by the morning and turn around and walk out. If you confront her, she is either going to deny all of it or fess up because she got caught and beg you to forgive her. No. She made a choice to engage in this behavior and getting ready to follow through on it, on top of it all. This was not a mistake. She's knew what she was doing and didn't love or respect you enough to turn it down, wherever it came from. I'm sorry this has happened to you.
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female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (11 April 2013):
 Hi, you are too nice. There is no talking and compromise. She has no respect for you or the relationship, kick her sorry ass to the curb. You deserve better and yea loosing someone you love is hard but we live and find much much better people.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (11 April 2013):
 SHE's cheating... and YOU'RE concerned about the details of confronting her with it??????
Please step back and take a deep breath..... IS her cheating fatal to your's and her relationship? If "yes," then what difference does it make that she will be angry when you begin the "breaking up" process by letting her know that you've learned of her cheating???
Is it (cheating) NOT fatal to your relationship? (I sure hope you say, "yes, it is....") If not.... then you can add further to your angst by keeping it to yourself that you now know that she's cheating... and you can wait until "later" to learn that juicy tidbit of information (gotten "legitimately").... and then introduce it (the tidbit) in to the conversation...
Either way.... the relationship that you're in probably doesn't have much of a future.... Soooo, isn't it better to "cut to the quick" swiftly? .... sort of like pulling a bandage off from hairy skin quickly????
Good luck....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2013): Jesus OP are you that scared of her or weak that she could actually redirect this away from her cheating to you being bad for snooping?
For me the process would be simple.
I'd print out that email and add my own little note to it. "No need to make up some bullshit excuse to me, you're a free single woman now who can meet up with whom she likes. Your stuff is in the hallway, I've locked our joint account, and changed the name on our shared bills, leave your key on the mantelpiece on your way out or I'll just have locks changed. Have a nice life, honey. Come back here again or try to talk to me I will ignore you, you can keep the ring as my final gift to you, feel free to sell it and use it to set up your new independent life. All the best."
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (11 April 2013):
 Erm who cares if she gets mad? You are the one that should be mad, not her! She got rumbled, she shouldnt be cheating - she really doesnt have a leg to stand on! She can make a fuss all she wants about you reading her emails but she shouldnt have been doing anything wrong in the first place. You didnt exactly check up on her, you just happened to read something that was open.
I wouldnt bother telling her you know about her cheating to be honest, just pack her bags, leave them outside and change the locks. No point in messing around having a row about you reading her emails - she is a cheat and a liar, she has been having an affair behind your back.
There surely cant be anything that would make you want to stay with her now you know this? Ok so if she had gone out one night, had a few drinks and made a one off mistake that might be forgiveable. Having an affair behind your partners back and deliberately hiding it from them is never forgiveable and shouldnt be tolerated. If you accept this behaviour she will just keep on doing it to you - dont be a doormat and just get rid of her, then move on. There are plenty of decent women out there who dont cheat and lie, dont waste your time with this one.
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