A
female
age
36-40,
*zrlinz
writes:Hi everyone.I'm not sure whether to break up with my boyfriend or not. We have been dating for 2 and a half years, we live together, and we love each other. But I am very insecure, and needy. I rely on him a lot for reassurance, and I really am trying to change that. We fought a lot this weekend, mainly about me pissing him off, me needing to relax, not "keeping tabs on him" (meaning me needing to know where he is all the time), and that I cry too much. Yes, I think I am a clingy girlfriend. But I'm trying to change. But he also shuts down in fights, never talks or responds to anything that I say usually. You could say he is an emotional zombie I guess. I mean, I want to work on this. I want to make this work cause I love him, but I'm not sure how he feels. I mean, he has told me before that if he needed space or wanted to break up, he would tell me straight up. He hasn't said any of those things yet, but I always worry about what he is thinking, or if he is talking about our relationship and breaking up with me with someone else. I worry too much. How do I change my behavior and my mindset so that I don't sabotage this relationship that I do not want to lose? I just don't know if I can deal with this for the rest of my life, so I need to change me first before I can change anything else. How can I show him I love him without discussing our relationship YET AGAIN because I just don't want to fight anymore?
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female
reader, gemstone  +, writes (15 October 2008):
Firstly,
Discussing your relationship is never a good idea.
The truth is, he probably isnt thinking about it the same way you are. You do need to chill because otherwise he wont be able to handle it. It sounds like he does love you, you live together and he doesnt want to break up. If he is out somewhere and you are anxious, instead of calling him up and bugging him, why not call one of your friends and have a good time? Independent girls are not only sexy.. they are happy!!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2008): Well im going to start by saying you are on the right track. You have taken the first step and that is admiting that you are needy etc. I would say that if you love him, trust him. Dont check up on him. He is going to get tired of it and eventually say well shoot, shes checking, im going to give her something to find. Like you said if he didnt want to be with you then he would of told you. He obviously has not gotten to that point of saying so long.What you are going to do is push him away. if you feel like all you guys do is fight and argue then you need to concentrate on fixing yourself for yourself. If you are not happy how can you make someone else happy. Im not telling you to leave him im telling you to give him some space so you can work on you.You sound like a wonderful woman who just loves her man. But do understand that men do require alone time sometimes. When he tells you he wants to hang out with the fellas and deep down you want him to just stay home, let him go. He will appreciate it and you will feel much better.I was in your same exact boat 2 yrs ago. I changed baby girl so can you. Much love and happiness from me to you sweetie. Take care. Nikki.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (15 October 2008):
 Hi Hun,
I hate to tell you, but he isn't an emotional zombie, he's a guy. Guys will duck and cover when they are in a fight. They will set up an immediate defense when you just want to talk. They don't think, fight or react the same way that we would when confronted, and they don't want to talk about their feelings. If he is pissed about "keeping tabs on me", he may or may not be overreacting... Does he give you his whereabouts and tell you what time, approximately, that he will be home? That's just common courtesy between lovers, so that you aren't worried about him being scraped off of a roadway somewhere. If you are calling him three times while he is away from you, then he might have a point. I really love this book - Why Men Love Bitches - by Sherry Argov. It points out different ways where we have give up our own lives, but it also points out where we are not reading the relationship issues with the clarity that we need. I really recommend it.
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A
female
reader, epifanatical +, writes (15 October 2008):
 Oh my.. you do need to change sweetee, and pretty quickly or else your relationship will prolly suffer.
None wants a clingy partner, one that questions their every move. It looks desperate and sad. Do you have interests away from the relationship? Well focus on those. Or develop new ones. We need time away from intimacy to allow us not to feel consumed, regroup and refresh the emotions.
Has your bf given you any reason to become this way? Reading your question I'd say most of it comes from the fact he shuts down, which is making you think he must be thinking about something and is driving you crazy.
Men and women do speak the language of love in different tongues. Men have been conditioned to believe its a sign of weakness to display emos so they hold on to em. Not to say they are not emotional, they still possess them, just not good at showing them.
We women on the other hand can be very emotional and dont quite get it when our partners arent. We rant and rave and are demanding and we wonder whats wrong when we arent getting the answers we need.
We cant change this very much unfort. But we can make things run a lil smoother. Start with yourself sweetee. Make him see you are self reliant, and have interests away from him. The more he sees you as someone that stands on her own, the more attractive you will seem in his eyes. Your passion will just ooze and become so contagious.
We cant demand love from someone but we can start to love ourselves and respect ourselves. You are then able to share more when you feel more secure.
Do you feel you are comparing yourself against others? Do you have a good self image? If not then these might be worth working on. Look in the mirror and repeat a mantra every morning. Tell yourself you are worthy and how much you love yourself.
I wish you all the best. :)
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