A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:HelloLong but please persevere.I am in an unfamiliar situation and I don't know how to solve it.Unfortunately I was in a serious motorbike crash in January, in which both my legs and my left knee were badly broken, my left foot was crushed, I sustained a lower back injury and a head injury too. I have also developed some psychological and emotional problems.This all happened in the middle of a university year, so I had to take the year out for recovery.Background:After a month and a half in hospital in Jan, I was discharged home to recover there with help. During this time I met a girl through a friend that came to visit. Slowly she started helping me to do things at home like cook and clean and we became closer because of this. We started 'going out' in March although I was still spending 90% of my time laying in bed.When my back healed I could start moving in a wheelchair so we could go out and do things outside.Problem:Everything was good and I was happy until September when I returned to university to complete my 2 Masters years.Being back in a challenging academic environment has kick-started my head again to 90% what it used to be.I have rapidly become bored of my girlfried, as she is not very intellectual (didnt bother me when I was out of it on painkillers and stuck in bed), works 8 hours a day, and spends the rest of the day on Facebook (which bores the hell out of me).She has no ambition in life, compared to myself (I aim to/will be a head designer of an automotive engine manufacturer).I have nothing to say to her any more, and I am loosing attraction, as I genuinely put intellect over beauty (which she isnt lacking in btw).I cant see this going any further, but I cant break up with her. She has helped me through the toughest time in my life and moved 200miles to uni with me (I wasn't 100% for that but she did anyway).This is the first long-termer I have been in apart from a 6 month LDR with a French girl last year, that was absolutely perfect. I would go to Paris every 2-3 weeks for a long weekend, and she would come over other times. The thing that was best about the relationship is that it was really mentally stimulating, as we were both learning each others language. We only stopped going out due to massive uni time commitments in our respective countries meant we couldn't justify all the time out, which was gutting to both of us (still on the cards for later in life though).Question summarised:How do I break up with a girl that has done so much for me? (Never broken up with anyone before - just put a relationship on hold until later in life (maybe))I have told her how annoying facebook is but she does nothing else.I have not found anyone else, but I see girls in the science and engineering buildings that are not as attractive, but I feel a draw to them due to what they are studying - a common interest!Thank you for your time to help someone that genuinely doesn't know what to do.
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female
reader, Adorskable  +, writes (23 November 2010):
 I dated and was in a relationship with this person for 5 years. He was a medical student he was determine to become a doctor and I was there and supported his ambitions I stayed out of his way when he had to really study and gave him my time and love when he felt overwhelm. But one day he decided it would be best to break up because we were not in the same page. I felt really bad because I had spend 5 years of my life with him and I felt really sad because I knew I wasn't good enough for his new professional life. Years passed and than I met my now husband and I'm really happy but I feel like I wasted years of my life with a person who had lost his connection with me years before he actually broke up with me.
Set her free she will find happiness don't let her invest anymore time on you, since you already know that sooner or later you are going to leave her because the connection is not there. She will find someone that will treasure her and will love her the way she is, so don't worry about her. She will cry, she will be sad, but she will forget and live on. Both of you deserve to be happy so set her free now This way you both can persuade your happiness.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2010): Being straight with her is the best policy. You can say honestly that you care for her and appreciate all the support she has given you. But at the end of the day you want to concentrate on your studies and don't feel the relationship is right for you now. Depending on her personality she will be hurt, upset, maybe angry but that is natural when things finish. I think it is easier to get over someone, from her side, if you are treated with respect and told in a straight forward way. Don't feel guilty, relationships sometimes run there course. Don't drag it out, that's worse. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (23 November 2010):
 I think honesty is the best policy here - it is totally understandable that you have come to feel this way about her but what you need to keep in mind is that it is totally unfair to stay with her when you know this has no future. She deserves someone who loves her and wants to be with her for the long term, therefore you have to let her go so she can go on and be happy with someone who appreciates her for what she is.
You are not a bad person for feeling like this, some relationships just naturally run their course and have to come to an end. Often timing is a massive factor in relationships - some relationships that should be amazing dont work because of timing, and others that should never normally work only work because of the timing. And you are a case of the latter - your circumstances meant that when you were recovering, the relationship was right and you needed that sort of person in your life. But now you have realised this will never work long term and you need more in a partner - there is nothing wrong with that.
So just come clean to her - there is no good way to break up with someone so all you can do is do it face to face, make it simple and concise, and be honest. Break ups always hurt, and she will of course be upset. But she will be more upset if you stay with her when you know you dont want to be with her, and then something like this happens:
1. You meet someone else who matches you intellectually and then you leave your girlfriend for another girl
2. You stay with her for years and then finally get the guts to break up with her.....etc
Hurting her now is better than letting her stay with you even longer, developing stronger feelings, investing more and more into the relationship - to then let her down and end it. She will feel like she will have wasted her time if she stays with someone who didnt want her but strung her along because he was too scared to break up with her.
So please, for both of your sakes - just break up with her now and get it over and done with. Explain to her what you have said on here - that you appreciate her so much for what she did for you and that this is really hard for you, but you feel now you have gone back to uni that your needs from a relationship have changed and you just dont feel the same for her anymore. Explain that you are very much focused on uni and your future career at the moment and you just need to be alone to focus right now, and that you cannot continue with the relationship. That should be enough to give her a good solid reason for ending it, without being too nasty and basically saying "you are not intelligent enough for me". If you get nervous and struggle with your words, then make notes and take them in with you. It helps you to remain clear and calm, and helps you to maintain what you are saying without forgetting anything.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
female
reader, largentsgirl89  +, writes (23 November 2010):
 People who share common interests are definetly a good thing, especially in a relationship and its awesome that she has been there for you during your down time.
If you don't feel that there is going to be anymore stimulation in the relationship you have then yes you should leave, if you want to be with her, then try to explain to her that you have goals and ambitions in your life that you want to accomplish. Tell her that it doesn't seem like she has any goals in her life aside from being the person to log onto facebook a million times. Tell her that you need someone who has goals in their life, something that they are working toward. And since she doesn't you don't see your relationship with one another going anywhere. Make sure you tell her that you appreciate all of her help that she gave while you were recovering.
Good to know that you did recover. Good luck.
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