A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I will be 25 within the next couple months and have never had a girlfriend. I've kissed two girls and by some miracle lost my virginity a few years back, so I've had sex a total of one time in my life. I don't really go around broadcasting this information to everybody, but in the few conversations where it has come up people are completely surprised about my lack of experience. Both guys and girls I talk to seem to agree that I have nothing to worry about in the looks department. I can't really say that I have any complaints about my appearance either. I love to make people laugh and hear I have a good sense of humor. I'd like to think that I can carry on an intelligent conversation when talking to someone and am an honest and genuine person overall. I would also agree that I can be quiet and shy at times also.I have confidence in every other aspect of my life why not with girls? This is the question that haunts my mind. I'm a military cop. I can arrive to an emergency and restore some degree of order by the time I leave. I am expected to lead, train, and supervise troops that work under me. Deployed twice to the middle east. I now secure and train to recapture nuclear weapons for god's sake. All of these things take some degree of self confidence to deal with.I just feel like I missed out on some critical point in life. I'm lacking experience that most people gain as teenagers in high school. I have no idea how to deal with girls or even date someone. Most times I get pushed into the dreaded "friends zone" with girls I meet. I'd just like to know how it's possible to start a relationship with someone when you can't get to know them as a friend first. I've grown to hate hearing that I'm a nice guy from anyone. I know what that means and I'd prefer that you kick me square in the face, because that's what it sure feels like to even hear it.I've come to be the only single person in my group of friends . everyone else is either in a serious relationship, engaged, or already married. I'm really happy for them but can't help but feel a little down about it. I hate hearing that relationships and sex really aren't what they're cracked up to be. Must be easy to say when you have those things. I also hate hearing people say "Don't worry, it'll happen someday." I haven't even seen so much as a hint that it will, so until someone can show me proof I'll just let my hope of that fade away. Everyone says to stop looking and you'll find someone. I've all but given up on finding someone and nothing has changed.I just don't know what to do anymore. Girls just don't seem to be interested in me. I've been feeling a little down and lost about this over the past few months. Can't think of anyone else to talk to. How do you fix a problem when the problem seems to be you?I would just like to find someone to share my life with. Someone to be close to and share my love with. It would be nice to not come home every day to an empty apartment and crawl into my one side tucked in bed at night because I'm the only one ever in it.
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confidence, engaged, lost my virginity, military, never had a girlfriend, shy Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2010): I am a 25 y/o girl with the same problem, and I know MANY people my age who have never been in a relationship. I'm sweet and nice and good looking but for some reason guys don't seem to be interested in me. There is nothing I can do about it but wait. Since you live in the US, I suggest you try online dating.
A
female
reader, kirra07  +, writes (5 November 2010):
It really depends on how you're meeting these people and how you're trying to date them to be able to tell in what way you're being too nice or being put in the friend zone.
But I'll try to give some tips.
Like others have said, have friends set you up on dates. Try online dating. This way everyone knows that it's geared towards dating. Doesn't mean it'll work out, but it's a shot. And it'll take a few times to find someone that you mesh with.
If you're meeting people the "regular" way, like in groups or clubs or what not, remember that first impressions are everything. If you're going to be lumped into the friend zone, that happens really early on. So if you're interested in maybe dating her, don't be her pal, flirt with her from the get go. Not in a sleazy way, but express your interest. And ask her out earlier rather than later.
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A
female
reader, RennieGeek +, writes (5 November 2010):
As a 25 year old, single American girl, I suppose the only thing I can suggest is getting out there. I've been put in the friends zone with several of my guy friends, even one I ended up sleeping with for five months I was still only a friend, still am.
I'm quiet and shy in social settings, and I think that tends to put people off. From what I have noticed, it's those who aren't afraid to say hello and strike up a conversation about anything that get noticed and get the attention.
I wish I could give you more advice, I wish I knew what I could tell you (I myself have only been with three people, one being a guy I met online and was with for five years, the next my friend who I still love, and the third a one night stand that was a friend of a friend in another state and whom seemed to want to get to know me but only once in a blue moon)
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A
male
reader, Griffo  +, writes (5 November 2010):
 Sorry, I meant do your current friends help you out with finding a girlfriends now? Do they ever introduce you to anyone?
These damn iPhone keypads!
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A
male
reader, Griffo +, writes (5 November 2010):
I'm a nice guy, I don't have any problem with being with women. Being a nice guy has absolute nothing to do with it. It's more about your attitude.
It's probably got to do more with the vibes you send to women and I can tell by the way you mention the "friends zone". You see, you have to be friends first in order to gain a relationship, once that's happened let them come to you. The friends you make will no doubt hook you up with one of their friends and help you out.Mare your current friends coin this for you now?
Another thing. When people mention that they don't want to be in the friends zone what they really mean is that they only want a sexual relationship, that's fine, but there are more women who would rather have a committed man than a man who just wants a sexual relationship only. They may not admit it but deep down inside, that's what they want. Men are the same, in your case for example.
I would have a personal one on one dicussion with some of your girl-friends. Just be their friend and they will likley eventually introduce you to someone.
Its all about relationships, and friendships is where it all starts.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2010): Hey bro...Im a recently reformed "nice guy" and made a few changes to my life....benefecial ones esp with women. I dont want to open my mouth in a public board as my comments are rather mmmm very adverse about some things so pls pm me if you want any advice. Bravo to u for the things youve accomplished in life and your leadership. You seem like a real gentlemen.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2010): INTERESTING~My dilemna is very much similar to yours, with the exception there are numerous individuals ((both female and male))actively expressing interest in engaging in a committed intimate relationship with me..Also, here lately, I share my bed with a very dear friend and while we are strictly friends we do partake in level one intimacy, primarily as a means of comforting one another behind personal circumstances.
I, like yourself, someday would like to settle down and share the rest of my life with my special someone...BUT...right now I am unprepared for a relationship as serious as that, as nearly 4 months ago my ex dumped me ((although the person was actually not a partner...but for me emotionally it felt like that..which also is irrational))...At anyrate, the breakup has brought to surface so many questions regarding myself...it has actually benefited a great deal, although emotionally and physically draining, that has led me to think that perhaps it was a good thing that the affiliation terminated because I honestly needed to take a step back and re-evaluate whether or not I even knew what dating and commitment is...I mean the whole gammit...And I've learned I am so neo-phyte and as a consequence of my sheltered and strict upbringing, which carried over in my adult hoodhood, I am so confused, lost and imprisoned in the 1800's...WTF?!
I really need some help in this department, as well as in he department of trusting someone to be intimate with me.
I feel like I'm being pulled simultaneously in two directions..In my head I am sooooooooooooo SEXUAL..BUT..I have minimal experience in so many departments relating to dating, relationship, intimacy, and trust.
What are the rules???
And worsemore, I am prisoner to fear of penetration....
~I need guidance too~
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A
female
reader, Nime +, writes (5 November 2010):
 I'm going to be honest; just by the way your post is worded I get the sense you're a 'boring' guy in public. That's not to say you don't lead a fulfilling life or have interests of your own, but I'm willing to bet that the way you PRESENT yourself to others is boring. And possibly too serious. Forgive me if I'm wrong about that, but if you're not getting girls it's because of the way you're presenting yourself. Show your charisma through humor and opinions; lead conversations by ping-ponging the topic around; show genuine interest in what other people are saying by asking questions and supplementing with your own experience. Above all, do not wait for girls to come to you; when it comes to girls, do not ask nicely; be assertive when you like one.
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A
male
reader, LovelessAct1 +, writes (5 November 2010):
Try getting one of your good friends who are in a serious relationship to hook you up with one of their girlfriend's friends. Now I'm really not a fan of hookups either, but I think once you both know you're on a "date" they'll already by thinking of you in terms of dating, not just in terms of friendship.If you are as you describe, a decent to good looking, humorous person who's interesting to talk to and served with the military, you should have no problem catching a woman. Girls love a man with looks, a sense of humor, intellect, and the fact that you have served is a cherry on top for most girls. Maybe some of you comes off as "just want to be friends" whenever you talk to women, so they don't try to take things further? Maybe try getting a friend to set you up on a date (or a double date, which always makes things easier) This way she is already seeing you as a potential boyfriend instead of a potential friend.But don't worry. Overall, there are lots of fish in the sea, all with different personalities and quirks that can be matched to anyone. And by your description, I'm sure there are countless numbers of women who would like to be matched up with you if they got the chance.Best of luck!
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A
female
reader, Tammy1205 +, writes (5 November 2010):
 Hi,
First off you seem like a great guy. You do all this awesome stuff for our country and many women should respect that. We all have a dread of ending our days alone..You are still young though and there is plenty of time for that special person to arrive. Are you confident in what you're looking for in a woman? Its not enough to just want to "find somebody." I think you should have some criteria. And start focusing more on yourself and building your own self-value and emotional security.
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