A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've seen a few questions on here that are similar to mine, but I think mine has a special little twist on it. My girlfriend, whom I've been with for 6 years, has a very promiscuous past. Around 40 - 50, she can't remember exactly. And before her and I got together, I was a virgin. I found out about her previous sexual exploits early into our relationship, and it hurt at first... and I hoped the pain would subside in time, but it just seems to get worse. The closer I get to her, the harder it is for me. What gets me is, when I was 13 years old, I was playing video games and having fun with my friends. But when she was 13, she was getting screwed by half of her school. The pain twists and turns inside of me... it's a constant pain that I have to ignore. I love her unconditionally for who she is, but her past still haunts me. I understand her situation... Daddy wasn't there for me, I needed love, etc etc etc. The main thing though, was, she had a best friend who was THE queen slut, and she badly influenced my beautiful girlfriend... I mean, this girl was so bad, she even went down on her brother... And some of that disgusting, filthy, whoreness rubbed off on my girlfriend... She regrets it, she despises it, and she wishes she could change it... but no one can. It's still there, rearing it's ugly head in my face everyday. What do I do? How do I move on? I really don't want to leave her, but the pain is so strong... I try getting high (just weed) and drinking, but nothing helps... It just hurts... I've had 1 partner, and she's had 40.
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male
reader, yobanigav +, writes (8 February 2011):
You will not get over it ever. It is the way it is. The reason you can't handle it is it disguists you.
People believe, "the past is the past", that is true until they get into a relationship. Then the past haunts their partner as it has with you. They can make all the excuses for you, like it was before you met her, and she chose you over the other 50 cocks she has had but the truth is you are done.
My advice, there are guys that care and don't care. You are a guy that cares. So next time you start to date a gal find out quickly if her past is "exceptable" to you.
A
male
reader, yobanigav +, writes (8 February 2011):
You will not get over it ever. It is the way it is. The reason you can't handle it is it disguists you.
People believe, "the past is the past", that is true until they get into a relationship. Then the past haunts their partner as it has with you. They can make all the excuses for you, like it was before you met her, and she chose you over the other 50 cocks she has had but the truth is you are done.
My advice, there are guys that care and don't care. You are a guy that cares. So next time you start to date a gal find out quickly if her past is "exceptable" to you.
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A
female
reader, Petra at home  +, writes (22 November 2010):
Although I don't dispute that you have pain, I agree with the other posters here that it is your problem, not hers. My advice:
- Give up the alcohol and drugs. Totally. This is part of the problem and will only make things worse as time goes on.
- Get counselling. Go by youself first because it is you that needs the help; let the advisor decide if she should be part of it.
- If you can't get to the point where you two can talk about the past experiences she enjoyed and would like to relive with you and where you actually take pleasure and celebrate them, then break it off. Want to be a real man and not just a control freak? Then tell she can date, no restrictions. Not you, just her. Give it six months or so and if you are not able to genuinely be happy for her, you don't love her. This isn't about sex at all, it's about your ego.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2010): To the original poster and all others who may post. I know firsthand how tough this is. I have heard all the responses and they vary from get over it, it was in the past, it did not concern you. She loves you most, you won, you got to keep her, etc...
What hit home for me was that I learned it was a problem with both self esteem in me, and that we were not a match sexually. I was hit really hard when I found racy pictures of her and her ex which made things unbearable for a while. My wife had not been with that many, but her number was more than mine. We married young and she was my only one. I went into a crazy self destructive cycle that affected my work, my home life and most of all my overall health. I drank, I abused prescription drugs and I pushed my wife away. She did not take it for long and so I brought up the issue. This did not play out well for me. Funny how many of our situations are so similair.
She ended up getting upset, and leaving for a week. She said she would only come back if she knew I didn't think I was better than her because of our different pasts. I realized then that I really loved her, but I doubted it. I lost faith in ever being happy.
She came back and we made up but it happened again a month and a half later. She left again this time she said she would not come back unless I went to see a Dr. She was gone for 3 weeks! I was miserable. I learned that I had to make a tradeoff in my heart. Did I love her more or did I not love her and that was why I had this problem. I learned that I needed her.
Afterall, at my age (35) it would be so hard to find someone that did not have a past comparable to my wife's if not more diverse! I have too many other things to be greatful for. She works hard, she takes care of me even though I don't deserve it. She loves me more than anyone in the world. She tells me that I am her soulmate and that no one has ever loved her like I have. She says I helped her believe in herself again and trust in god again. I know she is being sincere. I still have my days, but I did go to a therapist. I am dealing with it on my own with success. I don't know if I will ever like her past, but I am now able to disconnect the anger, jeaolousy, and insecurity from the images that were not made up, but real pictures that no longer haunt me incessantly. They are now even blurry. Maybe someday I will not even recall them without trying to.
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (18 February 2010):
 I'm not sure if it's within your means, but you might benefit from some therapy. Not only for this issue, but for your self-esteem in general. You two are in danger of a highly codependent relationship.
Here's some other discussions on this subject from this site that you might find helpful:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-would-not-have-married-her-had-i.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/retroactive-jealousy--how-do-i-overcome-it.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-do-i-cope-with-my-husbands-reaction.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/im-insecure-about-my-girlfriends-past.html
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2010): it's sad that it hurts so much... i could only imagine what it would feel like. i'm a virgin and when i thought of my ex's past, it made me upset because of everything that he had been in... hence why i'm still a virgin. lolshe loves you just as much as you love her, that's for sure :)the only thing to think about whenever you feel sad is this..she had the chance, she chose you over EVERYBODY. she loves YOU more than she could ever love 40-50 guys, you please her both mentally and physically more than 40-50 guys ever have and ever will. so... you win. you have a beautiful woman who wants nothing more than to please YOU. you said she wishes it never happened, therefor, you need to see her as she is now, not as she was in her past because you need to look at what you have and will have with her, all the happy memories you have and will make in the future, spending holidays together and even starting a family eventually possibly.there's so much good to look forward to, looking in the past is pointless since you love her so much.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2010):
Very mismatched sexual histories are usually problem with couples. The only solution (that actually stops the hurting partner's ongoing emotional torment) is breaking up.
This idea is not popular, it's just the truth.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI was 19 when her and I started seeing each other. There was actually alot of drama behind it involving my best friend, and her leaving him for me. Most of my childhood friends were friends with him, now he hates me, therefor... I have no friends. Nor does she. It's just me and her, and our work. If I were to leave her, I'd have nowhere to go... I wouldn't want to connect with anyone else. I'm not completely mentally stable as is, and she really helps keep me in check. When I forget about her past (thank you marijuana) our relationship is amazing. She hates other guys, she tells me if we ever break up, she'll just be a lesbian, because she's done.
But you guys, thank you for the advice, but to me... leaving her just isn't an option. Through all of your eyes, you've had quite a few sexual partners... she's the only one I've ever had. First and last, she's all I know. I'm extremely insecure with myself, I hate myself actually, and she still loves me for who I am. I would be lost and alone without her, I wouldn't try to find another woman... I was hoping for help to accept her past. We've been through alot together... we're not a normal couple. We spend every moment of every day together... We even work together, multiple jobs over the past 6 years. She's not someone I can just say sorry to, and move on. I understand your advice, and I appreciate it, but I can't leave her.
During the first year of our relationship, she kissed another guy. She had the opportunity to sleep with this guy, and she didn't. She kissed him, got really confused and came home and told me that day. Now some guys might not believe that all she did was kiss him, but I can usually pick up on someone's lies, and I'm positive she's telling the truth... But I feel lucky, because a woman with that big of a past has never cheated on me, sexually.
And we've changed our numbers multiple times... she never tries to talk to people from her past... she doesn't even talk to her parents anymore(which it was her dad's fault, he should never have a left a 13 year old girl all alone, all day, every day.)
But I just want to get over it. I don't want a different girl, she's all I want and all I need.
And please don't tell me to grow up, because if you yourself have a large past, and you call me childish, then it's obvious you don't understand my situation. If you can't remember what it's like to be a virgin, please don't comment on my question and make me feel terrible, I don't need that. Thank you guys.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2010): I think that there is far too much of a difference between your ideas of morals for this relationship to work. She had every right to do what she did, regardless of her reasons. However, you have every right to not approve of it or accept it. Those who say that her past is fine and then criticize you for not approving of it are hypocrites. You both have an equal right to think and behave however you see fit as long as you are not hurting someone else. If you cannot get over this and are drinking because of the hurt that you feel then break up with her and find someone who is more in step with your idea of moral behavior. Not every woman is like her.
Believe me when I say that this will continue to be a problem in your life. My wife was promiscuous after she left her first husband, sleeping with guys who she had just met that night and having a couple of 1 night stands. I was her 12th and she was my 2nd. She encouraged me to date other women after my breakup with my first wife and I did for a while, dating 3 other women. All of those were women who I knew and not ones who I picked up that night. Even then, it took me about 2 years to accept her behavior. We have been together for a total of 31 years and it has bothered me very occasionally, but I rarely think about it. If she had been like your girlfriend and I like you, I doubt that I would have stayed with her. We were in our mid 30s at the time.
Whatever you decide, good luck. It might be hard to break up, but it will probably be even harder to try to live with this. Go out and see what other women are like.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2010): Do her a favour and let her find someone who is trully loving and trully there for her. She's obviously had enough morons in her life, either accept it and grow up, or go find yourself someone else. I doubt you'll find yourself a better one than her. Get off your high horse, and give the girl a break. She doesn't need the likes of you judging her.
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A
male
reader, childof1981 +, writes (17 February 2010):
 Drugs and Alcohol are easy ways to walk away from your problem. Actually dealing with it will be harder but you really just have to let it go. Once you hit the 28-35 bracket every woman has a history (with rare exceptions) and you just don't think about it. Getting angry over somebodies past romantic decisions before they met you is totally unacceptable. The exception to bringing up sexual history of course is physical health issues but that's why both of you should get tested. If it's too much to let go you need to end it because a relationship where you can't accept your partner is going to fail.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (17 February 2010):
 You said you love her unconditionally but your actions does not prove it.
Your love for her is not deep enough to forgive her past .
There are men who marry whores and they are not bothered about their past.
You need to change your perceptions of her .
Love is patient and kind and does not judge nor condemn others.
What is past cannot be undone.
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A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (17 February 2010):
This is my advice; break up with her. Because believe me, if its bothering you now when you are madly in love with her, later on when that spark starts to diminish a little, it will be an ugly 'in yer face' reminder daily, causing you to justify cheating or disrespecting her. Ofcourse right now you may not think you are not that kind of person, but these things have been known to happen. Just break up with her and see other people for a while. Experience the world of sex for yourself so that you never wonder about it later. After you have sown your wild oats and are therefore now even with her, then you can get on with the more important love relationship you have with her. Expecting yourself to just forgive and forget literally requires supernatural powers which as humans with feelings we just don't have. The risk is that you may find she has moved on, but you can't go on if its hurting you so much that you are looking for an escape through drugs and alcohol. Dont cheat on her; just break up and go and see the world.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2010): Don't get high, it'll push her away, and the affects of the weed will make your paranoia worse. Look seh regrets it and loves you! She's faithful so get over the past. She doesn't want to go back there.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (17 February 2010):
She regrets it, she despises it, and she has given you her reason, which is entirely a truthful one. You have a girl in your hands who just wants to be loved. That's all. You have to realize that all people come with a past of some sort. Your past was that you were a virgin. Her past was that she was a very insecure and unloved girl who did everything just to feel loved. She has told you she regrets it, and she has been honest about it all, so I'd say that she's a decent girl. Imagine for a moment what your girlfriend must think about herself. She wants you to understand her. So get off the weed and the drink, because that won't help and she'll just end up thinking you're like all the other guys who have used and abused her. Your girlfriend has made her mistakes and just wants you to understand. If you can't then you must let her find someone who can.
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