A
female
age
30-35,
*efnalgreen
writes:Hello there Recently me and my boyfriend, of about 2 years, talked about what we were going to do for university,even though its about a year away from him actually going. we will be going to separate universities. He says that he wants us to break up when he goes because he wants the freedom of university and not to think about our relationship all the time.and then get back together afterwards, without even trying to have a go at a long distance relationship. Does this mean he plans to get into another relationship, or just have sex, while he is there? I know that he loves me but i have the slight nagging feeling that i love him more and when i go to university i would be committed enough to give our relationship a try before breaking up.He wants us to stay together until university, because he loves me ,but i think i would regret being with him for a year to only have him break up me after that time. If he loves me surely he would want to give our relationship a chance throughout university. I dont think that after we have finished university that he would still love me , or if he has had sex with other people i would want him back. Whats the point in being in a loving committed relationship if hes only going to ruin it in a years time.
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get back together, long distance, university Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2010): I was actually in the 'should we long distance it?' situation when my boyfriend went off to uni. I went to uni a year before him but i stayed at home and he wanted to go 300 miles away to his university. He left in september. We're still together. It's really really hard but we DO love each other enough and it IS working.
What you have to realise is, if you're worried about what he's going to be doing a year before he's even gone - then it really wont work out. And now that he's said he doesnt want to try, regardless of what he says afterwards, it isn't going to work anyway.
I think you've already answered your own question because there IS no point in being in a relationship you know is going to end. It doesn't make your current relationship worthless, but it does mean that it's a bit pointless as nobody goes into a relationship just to wait for the end of it.
What you do now is up to you. Do you want to stay with him and have fun for another year, but know that at the end of it you're going to say goodbye? Or do you want to say goodbye now and spend the next year doing whatever you want?
Going to university changes everybody. People experience it in different ways and right now you really are really young. Some romances last, and some don't. But if yours is over, maybe it's time to look forward to your own freedom at university? And how it'll be more fun and less stressful to not be in a relationship while you're there? Try to see it from his point of view. That having the freedom to go to parties and get drunk and flirt and sleep with whoever you want, is a freedom you only really get once in your life if you plan on settling down in future. it depends what kind of person you are.
Me and my boyfriend are not these people. We're very committed and we don't miss not sleeping around with other people. But this doesn't work for a lot of people.
If you have no choice but to end it now, or even if you wait until then, just try to think of the positive things that will come from it ending. You'll find somebody that loves you the way they should. And their love for you will be enough to make them never think about sleeping around or anything again.
U just have to decide if u can 'waste' a year of your life on somebody who has already given up.
best of luck.
xxxx
A
male
reader, childof1981  +, writes (17 February 2010):
 First, I think it's a good thing for you to break up before he goes to university. I have not seen one relationship form "back home" last, or in fact most any 2+ year long distance relationships even outside university settings. When you go (if that's your plan) you will be tempted just as badly as he will be and it will serve neither of you to have to maintain a LDR along with serious education and finding yourself.
The cold hard truth is that almost all teenage romances are doomed to failure and they just don't last. One of the other aunts thinks a relationship with an expiration date cannot be maintained. I disagree, the vast majority of teenage romances are doomed to failure (thus having an expiration date) but that does not make them worthless or mistakes. You learn what you want by your early relationships and you move on. So enjoy the relationship while you can and let it go when it's time.
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A
female
reader, Fornorina +, writes (17 February 2010):
 Having read the previous answers, I agree with them.
If he loved you, truly loves you like you have said, surely he would be willing to try it out for a while than just break up before you both leave.
Breaking up before you both leave is really upsetting and it doesn't really give you a good start to your university course because you will probably still be emotional.
As hard as it might be to take all of this, he just wants sex and to have fun whilst he's away from you. Like Caring Guy said, he is just wanting sex yet he knows that you will still be there when you get back.
Don't be. Don't be there when he gets back and when he assumes you will still love him.
Do something about this before you get truly hurt. I am sure you can find someone even better than him who loves you far more.
- Fornorina
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (17 February 2010):
 read this post, it might help you http://www.dearcupid.org/question/is-it-a-good-idea-to-be-single.html
As for your situation - your boyfriend is right in thinking it is best to break up when you go to uni but the way he has gone about it is wrong. Staying with someone knowing there is going to be an expiration date to the relationship is wrong, and it is too hard to maintain a relationship knowing there is no future to it.
And yes, when he goes to uni he will be planning on getting drunk, meeting girls, having sex and then who knows about a relationship, it all depends on who he meets. Basically this guy wants to have as much fun as he can at uni with no-one to tie him down (i.e. you) and then when he has grown up and got all of this out of his system he wants you to be waiting around for him at the end so you can take him back with open arms.
If I'm honest I dont know why you are still with him now knowing that he is basically using you to fill the time between now and uni, then he is pretty much going to be doing what he wants with no regards of your feelings. If he really wants his freedom then give it to him, but dont let him use you to fill the time between now and then.
If you read my that link I gave at the top, you will see my answer to that girl and I stand by what I said, being single when you go to uni is the best possible option. Everything changes so much when you go to uni and trying to maintain a relationship that started years before you went away is almost impossible. You change so much as a person when you leave home and go to uni (I know it seems hard to understand now as you probably think "I'm never going to change, I'll make sure I stay the same person as I am now") but you really do mature and your outlook on life completely changes - too much so to ever be able to stay with the same person as you have done since you were a teenager because you are growing apart, not together.
I understand this must be really hard, you have been together a long time and breaking up will be really hard to do. But maybe look at it as being something that is inevitable, and if you dont break up now you will only break up further along down the line. If you feel uncomfortable staying with him knowing you are going to break up and would regret this next year of being with him, then you have to do what is best for you and end things now (if you so wish).
Any other questions dont hesitate to ask me!
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A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (17 February 2010):
 I agree with Caring Guy.
I work at a University, and I see day in day out the social lives of these young people fresh out of school. It is a liberation, and I hate to say it, but very few relationships from "back home" last into the second term of uni. It is too much trouble to go home, make the effort to see the partner when all your new friends want you to go out every weekend with them, not go home to see "the girlfriend". Also, when you go to uni, you will meet so many new people, how do you know YOU may not meet someone when you go to uni? How would you explain that to him, after wanting to keep the relationship going?
Whilst you are at school, you have only been exposed to a very small pool of guys, and you have no idea how many new people you will meet when you go to uni. There are thousands of people waiting for you. Sadly, yes, a lot of guys go over the top at uni, and there is a high amount of casual sex, one night stands and drunken behaviour. From the boys as much as the girls.
If he is already suggesting that you split before you go to uni, he obviously wants that lifestyle, not to be held down by a relationship that holds him back in the social life at his University.
I would say, dump him now, as he obviously doesnt love you enough, and spend the next year, really concentrating on your studies, so you can get good grades and get into that University you have chosen. How would you feel if you didnt because you were too worried about breaking up with him when you are supposed to be sitting your exams next year?
Teenage relationships are nice, and give you experience, but very few last into adulthood. In 10 years time, you will have changed so much as a person, so what you think you want now, will bear no resemblance to what you want then.
Think about you now. This is your time, to grow, and fly and become independant. Dont let an idiot boy hold you back.
Tiger
x
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (17 February 2010):
I know exactly what he is up to. What he wants is to be able to swan off, have sex with a load of different girls and then expect you to be sat there waiting for him when he gets back. You're right. If he did love you, he would give the relationship a go. Don't fall for his rubbish. The truth is, he doesn't love you enough. And if he doesn't love you enough, there is another guy out there who will.
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