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female
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anonymous
writes: My ex dumped me about 8 months ago due to an illness I had, which was at the time unbeknownst to me and him. I didn't discover for a couple of months after the break-up how incredibly sick I was. When we broke up, he was adamant about remaining friends. I told him I needed time and a month later he called me to check in and I learned he had a new girlfriend, thought we were never getting back together but that he still cared about me incredibly deeply and wanted to remain friends. Things weren't awkward or weird during this time, but I was angry at him for replacing me so fast. I told him I would take my time and if we ended up in a certain situation, I would be interested in pursuing friendship.Well, that situation occured, so I tried to puruse a friendship with him. At first, he was very glad to see me, would sit next to me at events, blushed when he saw me and told people all about me whom i didn't know in a positive light. I asked some mutual friends if he hated me, but they said no, that he has clearly stated that he still likes and respects me as a person.Taking all of this as a good sign, I decided to ask him to be friends. After all, he did seem happy to see me and was very welcoming. I told him I didn't want to pursue him romantically, that he didn't need to get my signals crossed, that this was what it was. I'm honestly very sick and don't have the energy to put into a relationship and I've changed a lot, so anything other than friendship is out. I never got a response to that. He suddenly seemed significantly less excited to see me. I gave him something for his birthday and I never got a thanks until i asked him if he even got it and he seemed very uncomfortable. A friend suggested maybe he thinks we are already friends, so I tested the theory and he failed, proving he does NOT think we are already friends. He still is cordial and talks to me when he sees me (sometimes) and turns red and stammers, but sometimes acts like he didn't see me.I guess I'm just upset because I do want him in my life, but I am too sick and different to puruse a relationship with anyone, much less have the energy to rebuild a romance with him. And he IS friends with all of his exes. He and his rebound fling are no longer dating. I am giving him space, but on the same token I feel very rejected again. How could this person go from being desperately in love with me, to wanting to just be friends, to not wanting anything to do with me? People say it wouldn't matter if I didn't have feelings for him, but I have feelings for him as a good friend, not as a boyfriend. I also mentioned I was glad we broke up because it gave me a chance to work on my health and freed him up to not have to worry about me. He just said "oh." when several months ago he would've said "Well, I'm glad you feel that way."?????
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2005): yea im a guy, definitely still loves you. some more information on the wedge driving disease might help though.. just so we know what were dealing with.
ID say, whatever made you guys break up hurt him badly, or he was badly hurt by the fact that you broke up at all.. rebounded.. obviously, thats what hurt people do, then thought that you had a "hope" for a future, then when you told him you didnt see one he distanced himself to protect himself..
i know this because i am this wway, me and my girlfriend who i love with all my heart are going through a rough time, i said something i shouldnt have and i think shes going to crush me. Either way, after even though i want to be friends i wont, because its far too painful.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2005): hi i am the girl with the question and whenever I ask a question it seems that people miss certain information!He DID CLEARLY dump me. He didn't not have the courage. he definitly drew a line. There was no grey area, I knew I was out of the picture, but he wanted to stay friends, kept calling me, etc. until I told him I needed time to move on seperately. I guess what I am not clear on is why all of the sudden was he being so friendly with me and when I suggest we just be friends because I don't want to be his girlfriend and don't have the physical capacity to have a boyfriend, he shys away. If you'll read my question, his actions WERE friendly before (like 2 weeks ago before I said I JUST wanted to be friends), and now haven't become hostile, but our interaction has been reduced to acknowledging each other's presense...when 7 months ago he wanted to stay close friends. Doesn't make sense.
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A
reader, wwww.datinghaven.com +, writes (26 September 2005):
Why do you want to know someone who turned their back at a time of need? Someone who replaced you so rapidly?
Move on WITHOUT him, youre worth alot better
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A
female
reader, Happygoddess +, writes (26 September 2005):
I feel badly for you. It seems as if he didn't have the courage to come right out and break it off with you, so instead sent you a bunch of information that made him feel better, and sent you off in another direction.
Regardless of what he has said, his ACTIONS are clearly speaking volumes. It must be draining on you to try to keep you with this kind of a man -- be him lover or friend or whatever he designates himself to be in your life!
I wish you tons of health and suggest you put all your energy into helping yourself get better and focus on the people in your life who love you and support you. What he is doing is showing you who he really is, and by all accounts it sounds to me like you deserve better, and at teh very least honesty. Good luck to you!
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A
female
reader, [email address blocked] +, writes (26 September 2005):
I'm sorry about whatever illness your going thru. I think by reading your letter that this man is probably confused and afraid, because of your illness. Maybe he's afraid that he will lose you if he gets too close. And the friendship thing, maybe he feels very awkward now after once having a relationship with you. I know you said he did with all his ex's. You also mentioned a few times that your very sick and again, maybe he doesn't really know what to say or how to act around you and especially if he's afraid. Maybe he cares deeply and is really attracted to you but afraid of the outcome so he feels it be best to let things go. Or maybe he's being selfish and heartless. Look at his character and past with other's and ex's, maybe this will help you better. I hope everything works out for you in both areas. May God bless you!
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A
female
reader, Delirius +, writes (26 September 2005):
From what you have said, it should be as plain as the nose on your face. This man is still in love with you. It could be very painful for him to be near you knowing how resolute you are about not rekindling your romance with him. It's unfortunate that you are so unwell. Many people draw strength from their loved ones at such times, perhaps you have hurt him deeply by not giving him the chance to offer you his shoulder to lean on. If you cared for him ever, perhaps you could him the space he needs to get over you. He seems to have responded in an all or nothing way.
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