A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I was with my boyfriend for 5 years. We have 1 daughter together. Our relationship started going downhill ever since I caught him talking inappropriately with another woman. I trusted that he wouldn't continue doing it but in the back of my mind had a feeling he was still talking to her. Well in September I found out that this was continuing behind my back and I was very devastated. He admitted that he's been talking to her and has hung out with her a few times, and that he had feelings for her. He swears they did not sleep together, but I still consider what he did cheating. I ended up breaking up with him. Only a week after we broke up, he started dating this woman. I often feel as if he picked her over me. He still tells me he loves me, but says he's confused. I no longer answer his calls or texts, he has only asked to see our daughter once, and didn't show up. How could he let another woman come in between our family? I don't understand how he let 5 years go out the window like it was nothing.How can I move on?
View related questions:
broke up, move on, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, LonelyTomboy  +, writes (7 November 2015):
The only way marriage would have helped was get you a law case against him. It would not have stopped cheating. And as for age... it doesn't bring maturity. The reasons 40-year-olds generally have longer-lasting marriages than 20-year-olds is only because the older ones have on all odds had more relationships and knew what to look for. Your relationship lasted long for your age. Don't beat yourself up for settling down too early.Secondly, you did good for yourself by breaking up for him. After all, he was the bad guy. But if you still love him, maybe look at his side. He might need your support as a friend right now.How many people have you liked in your lifetime? More than just him? Most people like a lot of people before and even after settling down. Afterwards you just suppress it. He didn't know better.When you like someone, something just clicks that this person might understand you better than other people. Would you be mad now if this relationship with that woman had taken place before you settled down with him? No, because you've been in relationships, too.So, the timing is off. Would you be happy if I hsd directed her to him at an earlier stage and they broke up? Yes, you would. So maybe he just has bad luck. A lovely girl came along after he already chose. Who says his relationship with this girl will last more than a few weeks?I don't think they are sleeping together. If he openly admitted he liked her without you needing to nag about it, he is likely in the mood for telling the entire truth. If he wanted to hold onto you while sexually cheating, he would not even have admitted the feelings because he knew you'd get mad. Why would he make you mad if he wanted to keep you, unless he is telling the truth?You will always have your child binding you two together. So don't make the time you are forced to be together for her sake unpleasant. Be his friend. He started dating the other woman a while after you broke up because he might be scared of being alone. Would you have cried all the time, if there was another option? He thinks his chances with you are over and is just trying to hold onto a promise for a pleasant life, in the form of the other woman.If you remain friendly and make him feel comforteable around you, not only will it help the child cope, it might also win him back if the other relationship goes wrong. Fate bounded you two together with a child. Fate put forth a test and proved you to be the stronger one. Be the strong one and the bigger person and offer forgiveness. Don't lose faith in him making the right choice in the end.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 November 2015):
 I'm sorry, it's never a pleasant experience feeling "replaced" in a other person's affections.
How could he do it? Well you are both young, had a child and were together (without making the commitment to marriage) for 5 years - for some it's too much too soon. It gets to be routine and another person can easily seem like "greener grass" than a 5 year relationship.
And some people find it easier to move on to another person while STILL dating the first one, because that way they are never alone. It show a person who isn't very mature, who can't work on issues, but run "away" instead.
My advice to you would be to :
1. apply for Child Support
( type in : how do you apply for child support + your state) and follow the notes/advice.
2. Set limits for the contact with this ex. Unless you or he wishes to talk about the child, you have nothing to talk about.
3. Focus on moving forward with your child and yourself NOT him and his actions.
4. Get tested for STD/STI.
The reason for #1 (child support) is to help YOU take care of your child. Don't wait around hoping he will come back, be realistic. He helped crated your child, he needs to help raise her - if he can't do the dad part, he can at LEAST do the child support part.
The reason for #2 is because the more you talk to your ex the harder it will BE for you to move on, HE has - that talk about loving you, is HIM making sure that if this new girl really doesn't work out he can come back to you... Your ex doesn't like to be on his own. That doesn't mean he ACTUALLY love you, but that he knows him saying it will make you THINK that he does.
#3 is obvious. Your daughter NEEDS you.
#4 I agree with honeygirl, that getting STD/STI panel done might be a smart thing. He might.... claim he never slept with her or anyone else... but you can't really trust him.
Accept help from family and friend if/when you need it. And know that YOU can do this. MILLIONS of other single mom have done it before you.
I would also advice that you don't go looking for a "replacement" daddy/bf any time soon. It might take you a while before you are really ready to date again - TAKE your time.
...............................
A
female
reader, Mina_Bhamji  +, writes (7 November 2015):
 Sounds upsetting, it really does. But you rather be able to go bed now without the fear of someone cheating on you or someone making you unhappy. He isn't in your life, and he chose to leave it as that. Why grieve over the relationship when he isn't?
It will be difficult to get over, but I know you'll find all the strength to within your daughter. Just focus on you and her. And start doing things you enjoy to occupy yourself and keep yourself busy. One thing I can say for sure, karma. What goes around comes around, so don't stress out.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2015): Isnt it strange that even in the depths of pain we may still be able to see fundamentally what is right and wrong. His behaviour is wrong.I too faced this with a young child. My world fell apart. I have never experienced so much pain and betrayal.Fast forwards years later. I made my life good. I became the best mum I could. I loved my baby. I smiled through the pain. I refused to be defeated. I put my energies into making my little family good. And it was good.Dont let this hold you back. Cry, grieve, get angry. Then move on.A child needs one good parent. That parent is you. I remember being in your shoes. It is hard while you are hurting, to believe now, but you ARE free from all the betrayal, the doubting, the being in limbo.Live your life and live it well. A step at a time. There are fabulous things out there for you. Life is what you make it. Life can be so good.I studied, improved myself and worked hard. You go girl. Make your life amazing for you both. Anything is possible. Believe in love and never give up. There is better out there for you : )
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeygirl +, writes (7 November 2015):
 Hon, so sorry this has happened to you.
Now to get to the nitty-gritty of the situation. I suspect that your bf has been cheating on you for ages, and the OW [other woman] demanded either you or her, and he chose her. Whatever he told you about not sleeping with her, I would say he was lying.
Now he is confused, all he is confused about is if this thing with the other woman doesn't work out, who will be PLAN B. Now, you need to cut off all contact with him UNLESS it has to do with child support/finances.
Get yourself to a lawyer to file for child support if you haven't don't it yet. You need to protect your child's future. Also discuss with the lawyer visitation rights - if he doesn't want to see the child - well that tells you a lot about what kind of person he is.
Get yourself to your doctor for STI check-up. Even if he said he wasn't sleeping with her - how can you possibly believe him?
Put your energy into your child and as time goes by you will be able to get thru this. He has shown you who he really is, so now you need to get your big girl panties on and your bitch boots and sort out your life so that you can care for your child.
((hugs))
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2015): This is why people get divorced despite long years of marriage and children.My advice, make a clean break with him and look ahead to a life without him and don't be devastated.
...............................
A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (7 November 2015):
 I'm sorry this had to happen to you. I hooe you find comfort in knowing that it's for the best. A man like him, umcertain of what he wants and dishonest, would not have made a good husband or father. If not this betrayal, it would have been another. You did the right thing in cutting him out.
As for how he could do that after 5 years together, I could not say for but I believe it's as you said: he doesn't know what he wants. I will say however, if it's any comfort to you, it's not likely that he threw it away like it was nothing. A choice like that, driven by emotion, always takes it toll on people.
Everyone must move on in their own way. I cannot say whether or not it will be easy for you. My advice is, focus on raising your daughter and enjoy the time you have. You will heal. All pain comes to an end eventually and you will be stronger for it. For your daughter.
I hope that helps.
...............................
|
