A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I got pretty sick this past week. I was bed ridden for days had no energy throwing up. My husband had it the week before so naturally I was concerned for him took care of his every need and made sure he felt loved and taken care of. Fast forward to the next week and I was made to feel like I was a burden barely got a how are you feeling . Basically I was on my own. He did get me a drink once. I thought for sure he would have some sympathy since he had just been through the same thing. He couldn't even text me to ask how I was or if I needed anything when he was away. I am so hurt and mad. I can't believe how unfeeling he can be. He left the other day and told me to have a good one. Not can I get you anything before I leave and how are you or I love you. For the record I am rarely sick haven't been sick for almost 2 yrs. I don't even know what Iam asking. I am so hurt I don't know what to do. How can someone who claims to love you be so unfeeling?
View related questions:
I love you, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (28 April 2016):
 So much for the vow; in sickness and in health…?
It's his dang duty to look after you when an illness takes you down, not neglect you like a fair-weather friend.
I believe there’s nothing better than when we are ill, injured or recovering from surgery that shows us what a person, a loved one, a friend is made of. Who we can rely on? Who is genuinely concerned for our health?
Yet had he intelligently thought, he could have shortened your illness by contributing the basic TLC, that would have been a master stroke for being loving… instead he thought you a burden, prolonged your recovery time, in which you felt tense, hurt and not cared for.
Next time spell it out for him as he’s so unfeeling, tell him what you need; the basic TLC, medication, water, spew bucket, meals, magazines, a phone call to check on how you are... Heaven forbid you fall unconscious, what a burden that would be?
Hope you’re feeling better – CAA
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (25 April 2016):
 I can see why you feel hurt, but it is just who he is, it does not mean that he does not care, i think it just means he is unsure how to show it. The best thing you could have done was ask him would he get you a drink, or would he do this or that. Some men need to be told in black and white what is expected from them.
...............................
A
female
reader, mintrablooms +, writes (25 April 2016):
Some people are just this way. My mother is exactly like this with everyone. If you were sick how you felt or what you needed was not even a thought. I have so many memories from when I was sick...she stepped right over me or walked right by me when I was laying on the floor either writhing or almost passed out from exhaustion. And she would never buy medicine ahead of time or offer to buy it while I was sick. I always had to ask multiple times or just get it myself. And she rarely asked how I felt unless I brought it up first. And I would beg her to come into my room for a few minutes. When I stayed home, if I didn't call her she never called me.She was also like that with everything else. If I needed or wanted anything I had to get it or remind her constantly...even for simple things. She'd forget what I wanted in minutes because she was always so focused on what she wanted. But...she wasn't a hypocrite. She never asked for help for herself and dealt with all of her problems alone. So does your husband act like this all the time? If he does then I doubt it's personal. But I understand. I would help and be compassionate for my mother all of the time and never got any back. We just had completely different personalities. So I ended up deciding to not be so giving. Not out of revenge but because I was just tired of it. She didn't care about that either. But then eventually I started acting normal again because that's just how I am. I like helping people. No change in her responses at all...so I just don't take it personally anymore.
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (25 April 2016):
 I absolutely agree with Mystiquek...it really depends on the person and some men are not as nurturing as others.
I have a terrible problem of migraines and more often than not, when I have a particularly bad attack, I end up throwing up. Now my husband is a lovely man, very sweet and gentle but from what I see, he's not the kind of person who would really be very helpful in a situation where I'm unwell. He almost freezes and doesn't know what to do. I'm guessing it has a lot to do with how he was raised. His parents are the coldest, most irritating people ever and I dont think they've ever shown any affection to him or anyone, for that matter! I see now that he has grown up like that and that is why, he is uncomfortable in situations where he either doesnt know how to react or because he hasnt been through the pain himself, doesnt know what the other person is feeling like.
Now I was at my parents' home the other day when I had a migraine attack and my brother, who's 8 years younger, was also visiting. When he saw that I was unwell and throwing up, he knelt next to be the entire time, rubbing my back and holding my hair. He also cancelled an outing with friends because he saw that I was really unwell and I might need his help.
See, both men, but oh so different! My brother was raised by my parents in a way where these things came naturally to him and he was taught to always care for someone in distress. He's also a very compassionate person in general. My husband on the other hand, is a very private person who keeps his emotions to himself and is a little awkward. Yes, it annoyed me no end like it annoyed you, but I for one know that my husband means well. I'm sure your husband cares for you too, maybe like most men, he just doesnt show it at the right time!
By the way, how is he otherwise? Is he loving and caring?
...............................
A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (25 April 2016):
 I'm sorry for you, I know what its like to have an uncaring mate when all you want is a little TLC. It really does depend on the person, but as a whole it seems as men are not as nuturing as the ladies. My ex husband threw a diva fit when I was in labor having our baby, he actually said he couldn't stand the smells and thought he was going to pass out! Who was in pain and having the baby for heaven's sake? The head nurse took one look at him and said "I will not coddle you or pick you up, if you can't handle it then GET OUT!" He was always a baby about everything like the whole world was ending but never took any interest in me if I was ill (very rare).
My current husband is an absolute doll and always worries about my health and does everything for me if I am ill. He has gone out late at night to buy my favorite drink and stayed up with me all night when I've been ill.
My sister's ex husband used to actually stay in the bathroom with my sister when she would be sick to her stomach. He would hold her hair back, rub her back and never leave her side. I was amazed to be honest.
Some people are very uncomfortable around ill people too. It just depends. I'm sorry hun..it sucks I know. It doesn't mean your husband doesn't care but I just don't think its his nature to hover around you. I hope he's good to you in all other ways to make up for this. Feel better!
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (25 April 2016):
 I am the unfeeling one, and without much maternal instinct. I am not the one to bake cookies and organize tea parties, but I certainly do something that's emergent, if it does require medical attention. My son has complained to me about this fact. What I was training him to do is to not think of minor sickness as big deal. One thing we know is we love each other no matter what.
I assume you and your husband got the flu. It's something that gets better on its own. My only remedy is sleep, and waiting for my immune system to fight it. There's nothing else that can make me feel better. I don't find any medicine, cough syrup, or lozenges to be of any relief.
No approach is right or wrong.
My husband would be the one to do what you want your husband to do. I still just want to be alone and lie down. I would appreciate him caring, or comment to myself, "how rare it is for a guy to be so caring?" I would not think it is a measure of love though. It's just how different people are.
...............................
|
