A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I was wondering if anyone had any advice on how to handle my situation. I've been dating my boyfriend for almost 2 years. I thought we were happy in every aspect, and I could tell him anything, and I thought also could tell me anything. He called me a few days ago telling me (initially, that his ex was blackmailing him but he said never cheated, then calling me back when pressured further by her) that he had had repeated webcam sex with his ex for many months during our relationship. His ex was blackmailing him by saying she would tell me if he did not come over to her house with a bottle of booze the other night. I feel absolutely betrayed and worthless. He couldn't even tell me of his own free will, it was forced out of him by his ex. He said he kept it secret thinking each time was the last time, but it kept happening. I think that he kept it secret so he could just keep doing it, and he went as far to say there was a void that needed filled in our relationship (even though I have had webcam sex with him before and we had what I thought was a healthy sex life). His ex has lived far away for the months this has been going on, so they did the most they possibly could have over webcam. The worst part is, when she came back into town, he bought her souvenirs from places we travelled together and was planning on seeing her, while telling me I could trust him. He is justifying this by saying he wanted to put those mistakes behind him, not hurt our relationship with this coming to light, and continue a friendship with her. To me, this is all b/s and I feel like he is not owning up to the mistakes he made and the damage he did to our relationship, saying it was his ex's fault for taking advantage of his "moments of weakness" and has agreed to quit talking to her for forever to get me back. I really think he is still not over her, even though it has been 4 years since they were together, and I'm not sure I can trust him again. Any advice? Any thoughts are appreciated. Thank you!
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female
reader, dcgirl15 +, writes (13 August 2013):
If he doesn't show remorse, I don't think you can trust him. He didn't want to come clean and even tried to preemptively lie to cover his tracks. He's blaming everyone other than himself. "Moments of weakness" is such a lame excuse. You're young; dump him now and move on. You don't want to find yourself 10 years from now, married with kids, and still being cheated on. Most people would dump a cheater the second they find out, especially if they're not married. This is cheating and it's honestly weirder than sex, in my opinion. Why wouldn't he just watch porn if he's not getting anything physical out of it?Please strongly consider leaving him. Two years is a lot to walk away from but waiting 2 more to walk away would be worse. Maybe you should talk to a trusted friend who wants the best for you and see if they have different opinions than us since they know him in real life.
A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (13 August 2013):
 Short answer: you can't and you shouldn't.
He cheated on you with his ex, for a long period of time, shows no remorse, and has basically been caught rather than coming clean. And on top of that, he had the audacity to say he wants to remain friends with her. This guy is a seriously entitled piece of work. I know it hurts now, but this guy is not trustworthy and it's almost a guarantee he will hurt you again. You should try to move on.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (13 August 2013):
 Your boyfriend is not to be trusted and I don't think the trust that is broken can ever be re-built. Your boyfriend had no intention of telling you the truth..EVER...and he would have continued with his behavior if not coerced into spilling the beans by his ex. How do you know he hasn't slept with her when she was in town? Can you trust anything of what he says now?
He's trying to get out this by blaming his ex for taking advantage of his supposed "moments of weakness" when in reality he's a big coward and a liar for not accepting his own faults. And why did he have the so called "moments of weakness" when he was in a relationship with you in the first place? That clearly means that he was not happy in his relationship. Hence the logical question is, why does he want to continue anything with you and why are you even considering being with a man who wasn't happy with no, no matter what he says now?
Do you think its worth salvaging OP? Do you think that you can ever trust him again? If he's not over the ex even after 4 years, can you trust him to ever get over her? And what if he does this with someone else? Trust is of paramount importance in a relationship and if that is missing then the relationship is pretty much dead.
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (13 August 2013):
 I dont think you can trust him again, ever. You are 100% right - he is not taking any blame for this, he has every excuse under the sun for his actions and worst of all he would have never came clean about this, he only told you because he was forced into it by his ex.
So you have crystal clear proof that he lies frequently, he hides things behind your back and he will never tell you unless forced. And then the final nail in the coffin for me is that he still wants to be 'friends' with his ex, that is just so incredibly disrespectful after what he has done and to me screams that he is more interested in keeping her in his life than he is about keeping you in his life.
Imagine if the ex lived closer - I bet he would have been physically cheating on you by now, the only reason it remained as webcam sex was because of the distance.
To be honest there is no way of regaining the trust after this, he has lied and hurt you and wasnt even going to bother to tell you about it. I think if he'd come clean about his actions on his own behalf without being forced then perhaps there might be some hope for the future. But because he was never going to tell you about his cheating, then I dont think you'll ever be able to believe he is being open and honest with you because you know what he is capable of and how hard he will try to keep things from you.
It is up to you whether you think this is worth another try, but the trust has gone and I dont think you'll ever get it back.
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