A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm desperately in need of some advice if someone can help me please?I am 29 and I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years. For the first couple of years of our relationship he didn't seem that interested and it seemed to me that he preferred to go out with his friends than spend time with me. When things were good they were amazing, but I always felt he was a bit out of reach.However, in the last year and a bit things have been much better and we have been getting on really well. Despite this, in the last couple of months I have started to feel like we are not moving forward. He's never had any intention of getting married or having kids, or even stopping going drinking every Saturday night. I've been getting more and more disillusioned with this and yesterday things came to a head and I told him during a phone conversation (not how I wanted to tell him but he kept asking me what was wrong). We were both upset and agreed to talk face to face after work.When I went to his last night, he said he has been doing a lot of thinking about what I said and he thinks he could be ready for marriage and kids in the next couple of years. He also gave me a key to his house and said he will make weekends 'our time'. He said he loves me and he wants to make it work whatever it takes.So basically he was saying everything I've ever wanted him to say but instead of being happy I felt like I wanted to burst into tears. I'm so confused. I seriously love him and thought I wanted to spend my life with him so I don't know what's wrong?Why wasn't I happy? And what should I do? He doesn't know I feel like this because I didn't feel I could tell him that after he agreed to everything I'd asked that I'm still not happy. I've been up pretty much all night worrying about why I feel like this and what I should do. Any advice will be hugely appreciated. Thanks. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2013): I am the OP, thank you both so much for answering my question it really means a lot. You both made very valid points - Sage I think you're right I've probably been chasing him for that long that I've not stopped to realise that maybe its not what I want anymore. And Chigirl - I got a bit emotional reading your response because you've actually described to a T how things have been and how I've been feeling. I've been thinking we've been getting on better, but I realise now that's only because I've stopped expecting anything from him. I felt awful about my feelings before, as if I was just a nagging girlfriend who would never be happy but now I understand that it's not that at all. I know it might seem silly that I didn't work any of this out for myself, but you know what they say about seeing the wood for the trees! Thank you both so much again.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (13 August 2013):
 The best analogy I can think of is a dog chasing a car. Once he catches the darn thing, WHAT is he to do with it?
Your situation "sounds" like that. WHY are you chasing this car?
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (13 August 2013):
 I think it's a case of too little too late. You would have been thrilled over the moon, had he only said this a year ago when you needed to hear it. The past year you said things were better, but still something was missing. And it's because for the past year, even though things were good, they weren't enough. You needed more. The past year, you needed what he NOW offers. But it's too late. You needed that last year. I guess, he needs to catch up with you or you need to slow you pace for this to get back on track.
Because he wasn't there for you in the way you needed in in the first two years of the relationship, I think you've slowly pulled away. It comes naturally. He didn't give you his all (you felt), so the natural reaction is to pull away and not give it your all either. This is proved by your reaction. You weren't happy, you were probably more indifferent. And it is the indifference you feel that makes you sad.
You're feeling indifferent because now, at this point, it doesn't matter what he does. If you cared you'd still be upset every time he had his Saturday nights out, which you feel he should have stopped doing and been with you instead. So you distanced yourself so that this wouldn't hurt you. And it goes both ways; you wont get hurt so much, but you wont feel the great happiness either. Everything just becomes mellow.
And him wanting to (perhaps) marry in "some" years is quite honestly so vague that I don't think it'd make anyone happy to hear. It's more upsetting really, because at this point you sound like you know what you want, whereas he's still up in the air and has no idea other than "maybe, someday". If THAT was all you ever wanted to hear then your expectations were very low. And I think, in fact, this wasn't what you wanted to hear. That line could have made your day last year. But this year it's too little too late, and I wonder if maybe you're done waiting for him?
Maybe you cry because you know that you and him want different things, and you are ready to let go? Ask yourself this, what would you have said if he had told you this instead: "I wanted to ask you for a while now, but I was worried you would think it was too soon. Now I see I was a fool to keep you waiting. Will you marry me?"
Would you have said yes, or no?
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