A
female
age
30-35,
*arnes66
writes: There is this older man at work who is getting too friendly and I want to put a stop to it.I don't work with him everyday since I have a part time casual position and he has permanent position on different floor. I am casual which means I float and work different floors so sometimes I get scheduled to work on is floor. We became cool when he offered me a ride last winter because my car woudnt start .So he gave me and this other girl at work a lift then when he dropped me home ,he jump started my car and I was able to get the engine to turn over. I thanked him and he said no problem. Whenever I would see him around work, he would say hi and ask me how is everything and if my car is working fine etc. So I just thought he is just nice and friendly. I didn't think much of it and it didn't bother me. I sometimes would run into him outside work and we would have a brief chat then we would go on our separate ways. There was time when he asked for my number when I ran into him in grocery store and I asked him why then he said that he can talk to me whenever he wants. I told him that I am not a phone person and we can talk whenever we see each other at work. He was cool with my response and didn't press the issue However, lately I feel like he is flirting with me and not being just friendly. Whenever I work on his floor his face lights up and seem really happy to see me. Then he will ask how I am and when I return the question he would say he is not happy because he doesn't see me often. He will say something like ``oh why are doing this to me? I don't see you around that much, you always brighten my day when I see you`` He would also stand close to me and say`` How come you are not giving me what I want ``not in serious way. I would ask him what is it that he wants then he will say`` you know what I want, don't pretend like you dont``he says these things in playful way. He also said that he was going to go to his supper break but he wishes if I could come as well so we can just talk. Then he told me that he wanted to talk to me when I asked about what he was like ``you will know`` in seductive voice. I never follow up with this and avoided him at the rest of the shift. He says these when no one is around so made sure I was with other co workers around afterwards The thing is, he is old enough to be my father and is married. I know he might think these comments are harmless but they make me feel uncomfortable and weird. I want to tell him next time I work with him but I don't want to make things awkward between us and I hate confrontation . I just want him to be professional. How can handle this?
View related questions:
at work, co-worker, flirt, girl at work, I work with, older man Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (5 April 2015):
I've dealt with this several times unfortunately. The first time I was 20 and way too meek to tell him off. It evolved into a stalker like situation and I eventually I had to quit my job because I just couldn't work with him anymore and he was very good at convincing my superiors I was just a confused young girl with daddy issues. This guy was married too, with kids that were my age.
Anyway, I agree with WhenCowsAttack about how you should not be too polite about handling this situation. This guy is not being 'clumsy' or ignorant. He knows very well what he's doing. He's being a creep. So tell him straight up you don't like his behavior
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (5 April 2015):
 It is perfectly possible, - more so if we are talking about something based on physical attraction. Married people too can like what they see .
...............................
A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (5 April 2015):
Married people get crushes, too. Being attracted to others doesn't automatically disappear just because you're married. :)
Head him off at the pass, no worries.
...............................
A
female
reader, Barnes66 +, writes (4 April 2015):
Barnes66 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you guys for your response.Just to clarify,he is a married man with grown children.How is possible that he has a crush on me if he married?
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (4 April 2015):
 You cant force someone to be professional if they arent. So you need to tell him straight that you are not interested in flirting with him. You have to break this "friendship". Stop saying hi to him. Or if you must greet him, do so by a simple nod and no smile. If he asks whats up, then gell him you started feeling uncomfortable because of him flirting with you. Then leave it at that. He might claim to not have been flirting with you, but we all know what this is... He had no business asking for your phone numer. The rest he might try to talk his way out of, but believe me... This is flirting and I understand why you are uncomfortable
...............................
A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (4 April 2015):
Nobody is being direct enough in what they're advising you to say. This guy doesn't think he's being innocuous, he is directly coming on to you in a very creepy way.
Do NOT say "please". Do not give him an out by telling him you're sure he thinks this is innocent banter but...
It is not innocent banter and he damn well knows it.
You really need to very directly tell him "I am not interested. You are making me uncomfortable, and I expect you to remain professional and stop asking."
Part of the problem here is your perception. He was nice to you. He gave you a ride and helped you when you needed it. So you would feel guilty because you feel indebted to him in some way. DON'T! You said thank you, you don't owe him anything more than that. You certainly don't owe him putting up with this kind of creepy behavior.
So free yourself. Tell him firmly and professionally to stop, and if he doesn't then you must tell your supervisor immediately.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2015): You remind me so much of myself at your age and your predicament is something I went through too, on several occasions.
I think you need to take the bull by the horns and act to cool his ardour. I am not blaming you as we all have hundreds of interactions every day with other people and sometimes wires get crossed. You obviously didn't want to see it but it is now obvious that he has a crush on you.
You should have said a flat "No" when he asked for your number but you didn't want to offend him and felt obliged to make an excuse. So when you said "I not a phone person and we can talk whenever we see each other at work" he interpreted that as "She likes me a bit and wants to develop a relationship at work". Do you see?
Naturally he progressed to heavy flirting with you. When he said "I am happy because I see you often" then "Why are doing this to me" that means he has developed some feelings for you and you have some importance to him. Just because he says it in a jokey way doesn't mean his intentions aren't serious.
You should have backed away then but you didn't and so he virtually propositioned you. A seductive "You know what I want" in your ear. You know what he meant!
We all have a bit of a flirt at work, how boring life would be if we didn't, but he has crossed a line.
I know you don't want to make things awkward between you but I can't see how you cannot. You should have a word with him about it but as you don't like confrontation and I sense that you feel embarrassed you may find it difficult to go there.
Well you don't want to spend you working life hiding from him but try not to give him any reason to think he has a chance with you. No flirting, no smiling just a polite hello is fine and professional. If you have to speak to him stick to work. If he asks you about your private life why not talk about a great guy you know. I used to invent a boyfriend. I know it sounds a bit "sad" but it often stopped unwanted attention.
I agree you should tell a supervisor anyway. People don't always take rejection well and although you have been avoiding him, so he may well have got the message already, you want to cover yourself.
Don't change who you are and start to view every older man as a predator but next time you feel uncomfortable with someone act on your instinct and don't give them cause for hope.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2015):
Just say things like I bet your wife appreciates your sense of homour and then add i don't. I'm sorry if you got the wrong idea but I'm young enough to be your daughter ..
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (4 April 2015):
Uhm, maybe you did not handle this too well. If when he ( clumsily ) tries to flirt, you ask him " what is it that he wants " and " what he wants to talk about " - he may think you dig it and you are just acting coy !
I know this was not your intention, but, think about it : WHY ITW you would want to know what he is thinking about you, what he wants from you, etc. Who cares ?!- what he thinks etc.: his problem, not yours.
I am afraid that ,through your answers, the " who cares " message did not pass ar all, so that's why ths guy keeps on with his annoying behavior. He may think in good faith that you like his courtship.
You need to be outspoken. Not rude but outspoken. Next time tell him flat out : " I can imagine that this is innocuous friendly banter to you... YET I have to disagree, I feel it is quite inappropriate for a workplace. From now on, let's keep things very professional ,please ".
He might not be overjoyed ..., but a ) that's not your problem, b ) you can't make an omelette without breakng the eggs ,after all.
...............................
A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (4 April 2015):
 I think his comments have gone over into sexual harrasment and you need to find a way that he is made cognizant of that. You should enquire about a protocol on this issue at your job and have some informal talk with someone before you tell him flat in the face to leave you alone because you feel harassed. If he does not stop then you will know what to do.
...............................
|
