A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating a man for a year now. We are great together and making preparations to marriage a couple yrs from now. Lately, I've been struggling with an issue concerning my boyfriend. Before we started dating, we used to work at same facility and I only knew him in passing. He advance his career and left our workplace and I stayed. We ran into each other one day and began dating. Things have been good until he told me he slept with 5 different women at my facility. I Began to inquire and ask him why. I began to wonder if he was a player who had conquered me along with the others. I was shocked because they were all in one facility. I was turned off and upset. I don't think I would have been angry if they were from various places. When I go to work, I'm embarrassed and shame. I'm 37 and I've only been with 3 men and I was married 10 yrs. This bothers me as I don't sleep around. I'm sort of a scary cat and like to take my time. He has slept around a lot plus with women on the job. I'm I being silly or I'm I too old school? The dating game has changed from 10 yrs ago.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 April 2015):
 I think he WAS quite the opportunist, when it came to sex. Some guys (and gals) are like that. If someone offers them NSA (no strings attached) sex they jump at the chance.
If he was SINGLE at the time, I don't see the big deal. IF he was DATING someone and then ALSO having sex with co-workers I'd be a tad grossed out. Because cheating doesn't sit well with me.
I think if all he wanted from you was to "conquer" you as another notch in his bedpost he wouldn't be DATING you and TALKING marriage.
BUT it all comes down to compatibility. DO you two mesh well? DO you talk easily with each other? Do you get along? Do you enjoy each others company? CAN YOU see a future with HIM?
Having problems with his sexual past it POINTLESS - because he can't change the past... YOU can't change the past. THIS is who he WAS - whom you are with is WHO he is now.
I think it's BOTH good and bad when people are being transparent with their sexual background, good because they aren't trying to HIDE things, bad because it can become a hindrance. But seriously wouldn't you RATHER have heard it from him, then rumors circulating at work?
As for the moral aspect... I have had (including my husband) 4 sexual partner from 19-45) he has had 50? Or more? Like your man, my husband was QUITE the sexual opportunist WHEN he was single. But he has also had 2 long term relationships and two not so long term where he was 100% faithful. I don't JUDGE my husband for his promiscuity PRIOR to meeting me, dating me and marrying me - I didn't feel it was something I would do, but I don't see it as a "flaw" in him. It is who he is. We don't discuss it. It's a moot point. BUT if it had BOTHERED me... I wouldn't have married him.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2015): Take the morality out of it. Treat sexual past and habits issues as compatibility problems. You have the right to date people who are "your type" whatever you feel that is. Sexual habits and history are part of a person's type. This guy may not be right for you. You don't owe it to him or anyone else to compromise what you want just because their own past actions conflict with that. Sexual histories don't fall out of the sky and land on people. It is purely their choice. It takes many, many choices over a period of years to add up. They have accepted the upsides of those choices so they can accept the downsides too. For what is worth I agree with you. Promiscuity is unattractive.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2015): He's a grown-man, and it is likely that he will have a sexual past. The difference being, he came clean and let you know to allow you the option to back-out. Whether the women were randomly disbursed or all in one place, really makes little difference. He apparently decided to let you know before they did. It's what you don't know that can hurt you.
I agree with your feelings, and fully understand your sense of caution. That's a lot of diddling around at the work-place, and it would raise an eye-brow to know he was so busy getting busy with women he worked with. That sort of thing usually involves a lot of politics and ambitious manipulation. That would be my main concern.
If you sense you're getting emotionally-involved with a player; then now is the time to pump the breaks. If it nags at you too much now, it always will. Perhaps it may be nice to continue enjoying his company and appreciate the romance; but unless you're totally comfortable with what you know, don't rush into marriage. It's one thing dealing with a boyfriend's past; but once he's your husband, you can't just pack-up and leave when something on your mind troubles you too much.
Here's a hint. If you hear negative rumors and bad gossip being passed around about him, proceed with caution. If nothing bad ever comes up; he was just an eligible bachelor who had his way with a bunch of friskie ladies; who were more than willing. He had the good sense to get out of there and move-up in life. It's usually women who get the bad rep for sleeping around the office.
If the women he slept with were the lady-bosses or female hierarchy; he was plotting his future. It's hard not to feel a little queasy about that.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (4 April 2015):
 I would be bothered too not because of the difference in the numbers. On the surface it looks like he's sowed his wild oats and now he is ready to settle down. When you look deeper you might worry you are just a bigger challenge to conquer. You are the old school type, good to bring to in laws and be a good mother. You have to deal with office gossips and also be skeptical about his drastic change in lifestyle. People might say something like, "now it's her turn." He's not one to complain about not having experienced life enough but you are going to worry if marriage life is really for him. You've heard people say if a guy has never been in a committed relationship at 35. . . .
About the why? He wants to be the alpha male and doesn't feel right until all the females yielded to his conquest. He might not be saying it out of honesty, or worry that you find out through other people. He might be saying it because he's vain and is proud of his pursuits, thinking that you would be impressed.
I am trying to understand your anger because I never experienced hearing this. You could be angry that he shows very consideration towards people. He cares more about his ego than harmony in the work place. You think he might be playing the same game over and over and all of the women fell for it. At the end, the anger about how people ruthlessly step over others and become successful.
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