A
female
age
41-50,
*ollfacecakes
writes:I have known this wonderful guy for four years. He always was so nice and made me laugh, both were in relationships at the time. But for the last four n half months we have been making hot passionate sex with kissing and cuddling and spending the night together every weekend. Sometimes we are at a mutual friends house hanging out but we don't really talk outside of that unless we are making plans to hook up. When we do get together his actions are of romance and charm. His words are flirt and intellectual he is what I want and I know he is digging my goods, and and we share common interest but both got out of serious relationships him with a child out of his. And I wanted to know if he loved me or how would I tell it is more or going to be more? Without having to have that conversation because I kinda already told him how much I really liked him and he said too much and to over the top like two months ago..so now the fire is still burning and I want him to fall in love with me.
View related questions:
flirt, kissing Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2012): Hi, I think that you can make a FWB fall for you, not all of them but some. The key is to make him want to be in a relationship with you! Never push AND man into a relationship or have the what are we talk, in fact start acting like he is an option, that you are a prize.... once you change your mind set it will show in the way you relate to him. Eg if he ask you out make other plans AND go out with friends or even a guy AND have fun. AND when you are with him make your time with him really fun, this way he will want to hang out with you but if your not paying him the attention you use to he will start to wonder why AND will question if he does want a relationship with you. Look some people just aren't suited so he may deside to move on, but at least if you start to ignore him AND put the shoe on the other foot you won't get hurt as much if he doesn't want you. Remember you are a prize...... AND men like to chase AND win prizes!!! Make him chase you AND want you.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (8 June 2011):
The whole point of FWB is to have sex with someone you "know". Someone who isn't emotionally invested in it, who can separate sex from "love".
He wants sex and sex only. Though I'm sure he enjoys the attention and the stroking of his ego as well. But he doesn't want YOU as a girlfriend. He is obviously quite happy with status quo. As it is, you hook up and rarely socialize otherwise.
From what I have heard from many women (young and older) is that most women can't do a "long term" FWB, because once sex comes into the equation, feeling for the other person tend to develop. Men are generally better at separating sex and feelings.
You have already declared your feelings for him. He turned you down. "Too much and over the top?" That was his answer and I'm guessing his basic opinion of you? You are OK to have sex with but too over the top to be considered GF material.
I'm sure that isn't what you want to hear, and you can go ahead and ignore it. However, at some point you are going to have to look at yourself, your relationships and your actions and decide if they are right for you or not. Or you are going to be stuck in a rutt.
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (8 June 2011):
You're a bit dumb, aren't you OP?
You've got all these people here telling you that he just likes to dip his penis in you, and you're insulting everyone here. Well, you're the one who'll get hurt. Perhaps the reason that he uses you for the sex and never takes it further is because he sees you as someone who won't listen, and has a questionable personality.
I've even got half a feeling that you're making this up just so you can come here an stroke your ego. No one can be so blind and stupid as to turn against everyone who's offering sound advice. You strike me as an attention seeker who just enjoys insulting people and acting like a drama queen - and then you wonder why this guy won't won't take it further? It's because he knows he can have sex with you then walk away and you're either too arrogant or too silly not to see the truth. And I'm sure you'll come back with some pointless remarks or play on my name - but for God's sake you're supposed to be 26-29, so stop acting like a damn teenager and take the advice!
THE MAN DOESN'T CARE ABOUT YOU - HE WANTS THE SEX AND THAT'S IT!
And get some more self respect too.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (8 June 2011):
 Ashtray? Puzzling.
Ah well, you will learn through experience, as I did, I see. When a man says he doesn't want to date you, he generally doesn't want to date you. His actions to date indicate he is happy with the sexual relationship, enjoys the sex, as do you, but his feelings haven't engaged for you.
To make a man fall in love with you, you need to be less available to him, create some mystery and improve your dateability quotient. Right now, you are too available, there's nothing new to discover about you and he doesn't perceive you as dating material.
I recommend you read the book for specific instructions that you can tailor to your situation. That's the best way to achieve your heart's desire. May I point out that what you are doing isn't working. Therefore, you will have to change your approach. Seems pretty simple and basic.
So become less available. Cultivate the image that you are being courted and wooed and found desirable by other men. Don't drop everything when he calls. Be busy on Saturday nights. Don't answer the phone the instant he calls. Make him earn the pleasure of your company and your attention. Make him wonder if he's letting a good thing slip away by not acting on it. He knows he can get the sex whenever he wants right now. Continue being loving and sweet when you see him, you're not angry with him or anything, you're just busy fending off the hordes of men who know that you are fabulous. Imply he's going to lose you to someone else.
Yes, it's game playing to a certain extent but obviously brutal honesty on your part achieved nothing but him telling you to drop it. So he doesn't actually want honesty.
If he doesn't react by trying to close the gap you create, then there's your answer.
Get the book, read the book, recognize the phase you are in and apply accordingly. Bye now!
...............................
A
female
reader, zebralove  +, writes (8 June 2011):
 I didn't understand, when you tolled him your feelings for him, what did he say?
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 June 2011):
 I see, if YOU are the one who does the holding and caressing , and he is OK with it ,as opposed to hitting you with a flyswatter- ah then of course it's all different !,... that must mean he is really into you. And the fact that you basically only talk about when hooking up next, or that your love letter has been received so ungraciously, -these instead are just irrelevant details..
I am afraid you are right, maybe I am too simple -minded to grasp this kind of sophisticated logic.
In conclusion ,though, if you are so confident that ,no matter what the odds are, you will make him love you... then luckily you don't have a problem, and you don't even have a question for Dear Cupid. All you've got to do is work your magic and wait for the inevitable results.
In the meantime, I agree that it could be interesting to perform the experiment suggested by Eyeswideopen. Stop the sex-on-demand - and see how much he likes you then.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (8 June 2011):
 Oh dear you're not going to like me either...
You love this man and he does not love you and you want him to love you and you seem to think that by loving him purely he will in turn learn to love you. I fear not. Loving someone can only make them love you back IF they are pre-disposed to love you on their own anyway.
It's a very very rare FWB relationship that turns into a real relationship and if it does it's usually rather quickly.
You already TOLD him how you feel and he replied with his feelings which are NOT reciprocal towards your love. that has to hurt. AND it has to be a CHALLENGE.
It's good you are not jealous (that shows you are secure in your place in his life) but I fear you are unrealistic.
THE ONLY REASON my FWB/NSA relationship turned into a real relationship is because it was an LDR AFFAIR I was having with a single man while I was married to another (who btw KNEW about the affair and allowed it). I had no expectations of anything other than fun and games with the fellow I was with and was overly surprised when we both fell in love with each other. My marriage ended on a lovely note (I'm great friends with my ex) and now I am in a full blown committed lifetime relationship with my former FWB (there ya go CindyCares a FWB that worked)
My boyfriend prefers to cuddle to having actual sex... some men just like to cuddle it doesn't mean they love you... it doesn't mean it's a real relationship... we cuddled a lot more prior to becoming a real relationship than we do now.. now we have the nuts and bolts of life, family obligations, car shopping, apartment cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping.... now the cuddles come but it's different... it's not so frantic or needy... it just is....
I wish you all the luck in the world to try to make this relationship what you need and want it to be... please be so kind as to keep us updated. I will be interested in seeing how it works out for you.
...............................
A
female
reader, dollfacecakes +, writes (8 June 2011):
dollfacecakes is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell that is how we started no sex for many years. But if I took away the sex what would that prove???? Whether I stop having sex with him or not he still is stuck in the same place he was as if we were having sex..left in the dark. I already know he likes me, and that a couple of months ago he wasn't ready but I just want to know if our case is as typical as others because I have a hunch he and I have a crush on one another that is undergrad because of how much baggage he feels he is carrying.
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (8 June 2011):
 How about you cut off the sex and see if he still comes around?
...............................
A
female
reader, dollfacecakes +, writes (8 June 2011):
dollfacecakes is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell eyes wide shut sounds like u know a lot about..farm animals..lol but my question..once again was about two people who have chemistry and feelings n stuff..u know what I mean. Oops um no u don't cause u all have failed to ask me specific questions yet u all have such freakishly specific answers. Strange. Like u know what type of guy he is..so why then exactly did u come up with your answer I am so curious. Please do clarify.this will be interesting..
...............................
A
female
reader, dollfacecakes +, writes (8 June 2011):
dollfacecakes is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYah gee Cindy lapeur its amazing how u know me and can throw me in a category with the rest of all u simple minded woman. I need to clarify it is me who does the caressing and holding and he loves every bit of it. And for u to have the courage to lose ur money on a little bet of yours that u should never bet on in the first place..and if I were hell bent on really being secure enough to have intensity when I love then I would be jealous too.but I am very aware of the battles I choose and yes I look at the positive but does not mean because I have a pestimistic view on love and life unlike some others that I don't acknowledge the negative signs..some people cover up their real emotions with negative things they lie to seem less put out or vulnerable which is healthy to feel to an extent
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (8 June 2011):
He definitely sounds like a "why buy the cow..." kind of guy. And you are being "utterly" unrealistic about it's having future other than plain sex.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (8 June 2011):
What can I say... you are so hell bent on taking an emotional beating, that one can't help admiring your courage and intensity. Courage and passion are always admirable even when used for the wrong battle.
Nevertheless, it's a pity, that Dear Cupid ,I guess, does not allow gambling on the site, because this is such a safe bet, I'd put good money on it ; no, this "romance " won't go the way you envision.
You are, like every woman in love, using selective attention : giving a disproportionate weight to all the positive signs, while conveniently dismissing all the negative ones. In other words, you see what you want to see.
It does not matter if at night he holds you tight and caresses you, it's nice but it does not matter if , when daylight comes, he gives you a wide berth and refuses to date you.
You think that with persistence you'll break down his "walls " and win his heart. You can try of course, but what's much more likely to happen is that he'll get freaked out by this constant, adoring presence looking at him through heart-shaped eyes. There is nothing more annoying and embarassing that the selfless devotion of whom .. we don't want to be devoted to us. If it gets to be too much, not discrete enough, he'll get sick of it and he'll find some excuse to replace you with someone with fewer romantic expectations.
...............................
A
female
reader, dollfacecakes +, writes (8 June 2011):
dollfacecakes is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am very focused on my family life number one and friends are second including a select few that are good enough to call friends. I am very stable as an individual, I am a student and have more going for me than most young mothers do because I was smart enough not to have kids at a young age. So don't need to work on myself really actually ashtray I meant by he is the only stable thing is that he is the only stable man in my life now. I know enough about how to have a productive relationship its just the game called love is complicated in order to get to that point..which is what I need help with..ya'll quit reading between my lines,n answer my real ?...That is my point he is not getting by with doing the minimal I am towards him very easy and would give it up to him for nothing and he knows that..yet still is very affectionate and goes out of his way..and about the song he was playing..like I said he was sending me messages because he and I both know I have never ever heard that song before..that is his music not my preference he chose a song he knew i wouldn't know..u see we both are very smart individuals and do not want to be treated like a dumb school girl..this is an exception and yes peopleFWB's can eventually lead to something more.dang where are all the hapless romantic in here who believe in loving with ur heart and speaking what u feel and ceasing the moment for the sake of romance??? As I stated if u read it that the banter was BEFORE the sex and after...not during getting busy doing the nasty, which can take many hrs..yah baby!
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (8 June 2011):
In my experience, when a guy says he's not interested in more, he's not interested in more. This guys words and actions do match up, when you realize that he is providing the minimum required to keep you quiet and acquiescent. The song isn't a subliminal message, he's playing it because you like it and it puts you in the mood. And the banter and talk in bed means he's present in the moment, not that he's changed his mind about keeping it casual.
I'm not saying he doesn't like you as a friend, he can be tender and gentle and sweet with a friend. He just doesn't see you as a girlfriend. The phrase isn't 'enemies with benefits' or 'mean nasty people with benefits', right? So being nice and sweet in bed is perfectly normal. It doesn't mean he's changed his mind about you.
I'm sorry he's the only stable thing in your life. Here's what I think you need to do. I think you need to stop hoping that he'll eventually succumb to your own sublminal and spoken (now retracted) message and work on balancing out your own life. You've put him in the starring role and he basically has told you 'I'm not the guy.' LISTEN to that part.
He has a child from a previous relationship; he's gun-shy but he does have sexual desires. He's found a girl who he likes, he can spend time with her and then leave. It's pleasant and friendly and utterly noncommittal.
"Cover your heart, Indy!" Remember that phrase from the Indiana Jones movie? I want you to think about that as you make yourself vulnerable emotionally to a man who has told you he's not interested in a relationship of that kind.... maybe acknowledge that the need in you doesn't match the need in him. Balance out your life with other friends and perhaps cast your eyes around to other available, and willing to date, guys.
I recommend a book from time to time and I think it's appropriate here: A Fine Romance, by Judith Sills, PhD. It's about courtship, from meeting to marriage (or commitment). It might help you see where you stand.
Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, dollfacecakes +, writes (8 June 2011):
dollfacecakes is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am lost when it comes down to the talk..obviously writing him a beautiful letter did not work at the time, but it may be why he comes back and is sending me mixed signals..he could like me. We both need to be ready for a relationship, and I think that is the question for me and more so a conversation for when we are comfortable with discussing how we both feel about it together..till then I just need to know how to help us both out because he is very shy, and I can tell he is trying to be organised, composed, and tough on the outside while keeping up a wall. At the same time with a little skill, persistence, and my good lovin I have slowly chipped away some of his inhibitions. I guess I told myself I wouldn't make a big move like I did with the letter cus the initial rejection hurt so bad that I had regreted the letter, but now I am so happy I gave it to him..so I need some encouragement but mainly the great brainstorming of advice we got going. I know for a fact how compatible we are and that a relationship and or commitment would not take any of the spark away..but only add spark to his life. Somehow I need to show him beyond casualy being myself because now is action time
...............................
A
female
reader, dollfacecakes +, writes (8 June 2011):
dollfacecakes is verified as being by the original poster of the question He is contradiction with his words on what he wants with me and his actions. I am glad he doesn't Chase me no one really chases anyone that is degrading. And yes u can make some one who already likes u fall in love with u..that is how the laws of attraction work..they fall in love with u because of how u acted or something u did or by being yourself, which is entirely controllable or manipulated for the good.You must know I have been thru a lot with him already and even with all the feelings out on the table it has never been unbalanced or awkward the sex was never casual, but freakin phenomenal, and I am never jealous or frustrated I will wait for him as long as he needs me to.and I wanted to be honest and gave it a shot with my emotions and wrote him a love letter and he broke it off and I cried. Then we still get together by his choice, and I have held back and followed his lead. I asked him if he was scared that I liked him and he said yes, because he wasn't ready for a relationship for various good reasons but we will see where it goes. We still kick it together thru our friends and consistently I tell him he is the only stable thing I have in my life right now and he never fails me. I understand if he was mean to me I wouldn't come back but he is nice to me in the means that he plays romantic music like one song particular on repeat..think he is trying to send subliminal messages he does it often. And our love making style is still just screwing its the getting to know u questions and the flirt banter that goes on before and then the hold me all night and caress my body afterwards.
...............................
A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (8 June 2011):
'I kinda already told him how much I really liked him and he said too much and to over the top'
'Sometimes we are at a mutual friends house hanging out but we don't really talk outside of that unless we are making plans to hook up'
Just quoting a couple of things you have written and in my opinion this is never going to be about anything more than sex.
He isn't chasing you other than to hook up for sex. Sure when you are together sexually, he is charming because that ensures he is going to keep getting the free no strings sex. If he was mean to you when he was with you, you'd stop seeing him wouldn't you.
FWB never really works unless you are both completely indiferent to eachother...the very second one person starts falling in love (and usually it's the woman who does), it's game over.
You told him how much you like him and he warned you off immediately...you should have quit at that point.
You are a convienience, nothing more...if he couldn't have sex with you he'd either have to find a girlfriend or pay a prostitute...
He doesn't want you as a girlfriend, that is clear and you absolutely cannot make him love you or want you because thats not how it works.
Ouit now, deal with the loss and save yourself for a loving partner who loves you entirely, wants to be with you for who you are and not because they just want to have casual sex.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2011): I agree. If you were ever going to be his GF then you would be now.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (8 June 2011):
Uh-oh. This is going to end up in tears.
FWB can only work in the rare instances where BOTH people just want physical gratification without any emotional involvement. As soon as either one ( unluckily, it's generally the woman ) has feelings, the relationship becomes immediately unbalanced and eventually unsustainable. You'll have either to suppress your feelings and be consumed by longing,jealousy and frustration, or take a proactive stance, trying to "rope him in " somehow- and most probably he'll react by pulling away the more you push.
Is it ALWAYS like this ? Well, of course never say never in life, I suppose every rule allows for some exceptions.
But so far I have never,literally never, known or heard of any FWB who got upgraded to the status of regular partner.
And you know why ? Because the simple fact that he started an FWB relationship with you means that you are not the kind of girl that he could fall in love with. He does not see you as gf material. Otherwise you would be dating , not just f***ing . He would be asking you out, enquiring about your passions and interests, try to spend time with you also out of bed. If he has got you pegged as "good for sex only "... well, that's what he thinks.
I can understand that you get confused by the way he acts during intimacy. But some people just have a warm, tender, affectionate way to express their sexuality ; and God bless them !, it's so much better to have sex with someone who appreciates closeness and cuddles in a sexual situation, rather than living it like some sort of gym exercise. But , it does not mean anything in particular- just that they are mellow types- if it's not backed up by their behaviour out of the bedroom.
...............................
A
male
reader, serenity80 +, writes (8 June 2011):
You should tell him how you feel. You've been "seeing each other" for 4 and a half months so either you're in a relationship and it's not become official, or you're just FWB. If you are FWB then this isn't going to go anywhere and you are wasting your time if you want anything more from him.
But it may be that he has feelings for you too. You won't know unless you have the talk with him. Talk to him, all the best.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2011): I can totally understand your desire to be more serious with him. But a lot of people with experience in this situation will agree with me when I say that getting into a relationship will almost certainly drain all that passion and romance. In essence you have the perfect relationship. The benefits without the grief.
...............................
|
