A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Times are tough for me financially right now, and I'm trying to set myself up in a new country, newly married etc.I've been sort of forced to take this part-time nannying job while I look for other work.The child is 2 years old, and the family is wealthy (in fact, they are extremely snobby).My problem is that I can't seem to establish any boundaries with the mom. I mean, she is constantly pushing me to take on more hours, stay later etc. when I'd rather not. She is always forgetting to pay me, so I have the embarrassment of reminding her every week. I tell her I need to leave at 3 o'clock for example, and she knows I have something to do afterwards, yet she dawdles and takes her time and keeps me till 3:30, or whenever.At the beginning I told her I didn't want to work weekends. I could use the money, sure, but I also would lose my weekend and right now my free time is very, very vauable to me. But still she asks me every week to do it and I end up getting bullied somehow into it. She'll say: "what plans have you got this weekend?" on Tuesday. I say no plans. She takes that to mean that I am free and can come. Rcently, she is telling other mothers on the same street that I am avaialable, bascially speaking for me, and committing me to babysit for them even though it's the last thing I want to do.It's difficult because I feel like she knows I am in a rough patch, and that I need the money and can't just bugger off. But I feel bullied and taken advantage of. I know this doesn't seem like it would be such a tough problem, but it turns out that me being polite and accommodating in the beginning have worked against me. I don't even like children and am really beginning to resent being used all the time. How can I let her know that I need the work, but more on my terms? How can I say no without making things awkward?
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female
reader, wonderingcat  +, writes (16 April 2009):
 Your posting is interesting read here. Take the country away, your education away, and what do we have? Exploitation of informal labour (as "domestic help") "employed" without a contract. Normally this would happen in the developing/under-developed country. My advice is, she is not the only fish in the sea. If you can withstand being unemployed for a month while looking for another [nannying] job, tell her you want to quit. No it is not a bluff. Tell her that you are willing to return to work for her, with certain clear terms. This would include 500% even your hourly rate for any part of the hour worked overtime (even if it is only 5 minutes). Have a time-sheet (in a small notebook), and have her sign it when you check in and when she checks in. Tell her weekend is off limits, but she can call an hour in advance only, just in case you are available. Do not commit to anything for the weekend during the week.Part of the agreement is that she pays you at the end of each sitting. If she does not pay you then, the agreement is that you do not come the next time she calls you. And if she does not pay you then, as soon as you come in, you walk out. Let her worry about who is going to sit for her that time. She's gotten a way like this because no one has stood up for themselves before. (And it is difficult for - forgive me, but I do not mean you - illegal alliens/residents (or those without working permits)I have found with people who are like her, that "money talk" is the only language they understand. Don't worry about them not wanting to give you a resume, unless you are planning to be a nanny as a career move.In your next nannying job, also do the same (check in log book), written agreement signed with a witness (even if it has no legal repercussions, but at least she knows you mean business)We live and learn. Good luck.Cat
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2009): This may or may not help with your problem, but you really should read the book "The Nanny Diaries." Its a fictional book (they made a movie out of it) a fun read and they touch on precisely what you're going through (although, hopefully, you don't work for family as bad as described in the book).
If nothing else, when you read it, you might find the solution to your problem by doing whatever it takes to not let it get that far as is described in the book.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2009): Hey I'm the original poster. I really appreciate all the replies. It's great that you guys took the time to write out all that advice :)I'm going to have to get the balls to speak to her about this, I suppose. It's a sort of informal arrangement, "under the table" if you will, so there isn't a contract, and I'm not sure I can speak to her in such a businessy tone, but DCGurl your advice is so obviously right. Thank you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2009): Business. This is just business. Ask her which day and time for a one hour meeting. Tell her you wish to recap the terms of your agreement. At the meeting, bring the copy of the current agreement and point out the agreed terms which are currently modified. Point out the frequency that you change the terms as per request. Profile exactly what you want: whether that is to stick only to the original terms or, ask to modify the terms to reflect the current actual schedule, say you need to be compensated at the same rate when your hours increase, and request to not be scheduled out amongst other parties.Structure your language to only represent your experience: "When I am asked if I have plans on the weekend, I am beginning to believe that is a request for me to work the coming weekend. Am I interepreting this correctly?" and, "When I am scheduled to work until 3:00, I plan my time accordingly, and need to stick to my schedule."When you want to say no, remember to structure your language in a respectful, positive manner such as: "While I do want to help Saturday, I have plans, but thank you for asking."One more thing that goes over fairly well in these meetings is to professionally call a situation as you see it on both sides. For example, "I am afraid we may have moved into an uncertain style of scheduling. I have the impression you prefer to add to the weekly schedule frequently and spontaneously. I feel obligated to accept for financial reasons and out of fear to ruffle the working relationship. I prefer we agree to a style of scheduling we are comfortable with."
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (15 April 2009):
 Well they do say honesty is the best policy. Perhaps you can request a meeting with her to discuss your terms of employment. Be calm but state that you are not happy with the situation as it is. It seems to me that she needs your help pretty badly or she wouldn't be leaning on you so much, so use that as your leverage to set things straight.
This is technically a business arrangement and she has a duty to pay you for work done and on time. She also has to respect that you have a life outside of her and her child/ children and so should stick to allocated times. Of course there are times when you will need to be flexible so try to get this out in the open.
If she refuses to see it your way, then seems to me the best thing would be to start looking for a new job!!
Good luck with it xx
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A
female
reader, PeanutButter  +, writes (15 April 2009):
 You are being employed by her to do a job - you are not being employed to do ALL the jobs! If that makes sense - you, as the nanny, should have set times and hours of work and you should stick to them, as a parent sticks to rules with a child - if you break these boundaries the child takes advantage of the parent and in this case your employer is taking advantage of you.
However, she may well think she is doing you a HUGE favour! she may well not see that she is perhas inconviniencing you or making you feel used or abused in the current climate.
In all work cases it is always scary to talk to your employer and tell them how you feel but it is also exttremely important that you do because if you dont you might end up resenting the work even further and this will reflect in your attitude to being there and then advrsely afect the child or children for whom you are to care.
You should approach the subject lightly bit FIRMLY. Tell her that you really appreciate all the extra work that she is putting your way but that you need to establish boundaries and set times for this work so as not to disrupt your schedule outside of work and so as not to disrupt the shedule of the children or child involved. If she is paying you late you need to explain to her that bills you have ned to be paid on time and that she is paying YOU for a service YOU rovide and you are entitled to that money on time.
If you were working for a large corporation and were kept behind to work you would get overtime, if she isny paying you overtime, you have no obligation to stay and you should never feel obliged to. If you were working for a large corporation and they didnt pay you on time you would certainally go to a union or make a fuss about not being paid on time they have a duty of care on many levels and you do a job for which you should be paid and paid is wht you should be - there are legalities involved in this for a reason.
The bottom line is, if you are unhappy with your job, you need to speak up. If she is still unreasonable and cannotunderstand where you're coming from and is unwilling to adjust and realise you provide her a service, she must arrange times with you, not the other way around, then you must consider if the situation is worth your unhappiness and trouble?
There ARE other jobs out there and if you look hard enough you can find one - if you have to scrimp and save for a while to get there, you will and you will be ok.
Never be affraid to speak out, you deserve fair treatment just like everyone else and the worst that could happen is that you need to get a diferent job - something always comes up and things always work out - don't be unhappy for anyone.
Good luck!
xx
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A
male
reader, CrazyMind +, writes (15 April 2009):
 I think one way you could resolve this is by sitting down and writing out a formal contract, outlining the hours you work, your wages, when and how you get paid, etc. etc.
Write up a rough draft, take it to your employer to see if they have anything they'd like to change; and work your way towards an agreement.
Then get this agreed contract signed and dated by all involved (yourself, and both parents)
If you get two [or more] copies signed and dated, then you can have a copy, and so can your employers.
I hope this helps,
- Crazy.
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