A
female
age
36-40,
*eska
writes:I am 21 years old, I have been with the same guy since I was 15, I really liked him when we first met, and then after about 6 to 8 months I got to where I just wanted to have fun and not be in a relationship, by this time he had gotten controlling, he didn't want me hanging out with my friends, hated my family, and I was 16 and miserable, I tried telling him that I didn't want to be with him and he would never accept it, so I just dealt with him, I tried to make myself love him, I really did, but honestly don't think I ever did. And yes, as you can guess I cheated on him, more than once, with more that one person in the 6 years we have been together, in which we have been married for 3 and now have 2 small children who are 2 and 3 years old. I have left him and went back to him 3 times, filed for divorce once and never did it because of the kids, but he is so controlling and obsessive I am afraid to tell him how I really feel. I have left him now and moved out into my own house, he tried to tell me who my kids can and can not be around, threatens me for having friends over (guys or girls) and is prolonging the divorce as long as he can. He claims he loves me and cares about me but he is so mean and hateful towards me. I have now met someone who I have very strong feelings for and is the complete opposite of my soon to be ex-husband, but I am afraid to get to close to him because I do not want my soon to be ex to try to use it against me IF we go to court.. I honestly am falling in love with this man, he is like a dream come true to me, and I am so confused right now!
View related questions:
divorce, move on, moved out Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, salvadda  +, writes (15 April 2009):
 I read your letter very carefully. I do feel for you, and I do understand what you're going through.
From what I read your ex has all the signs of being an abusing person. The first sign is control and isolation. This is one component of a very divesting emotional impack on a person..a control issue. I'm sure he has tired to give you a lack of insecurity, sense of unworth, and so on.
You were very young to start off with and with no experience regarding relationship. Your ex also used this against you.
I do understand that you did try very hard to keep the relationship going for the sake of your children. I do want to add that *for the sake of the children* you did try to make it work. I have heard this before and this is never a good reason to try to make it work. Though you didn't say weather you went to conselling or not, but my guess is that if you even would have wanted to go, your ex would have have not have gone. Your children will feel stress, and become disdressed from your relationship. I say to people if you really want your children to be happy, you have to be happy. By what you have written you have not been happy for a long time, and I want to add I feel for you.
If your heart is no longer with your ex, you are just in wanting to find happiness. You DO deserve this. Contentment is a part of any relationship of which you lacked.
I do want to say with great respect, you have nothing to be ashamed of. Your affair came from lack of love..looking for love of which we all need and want. It is something that at times drives us into another persons arms. I would not say this is an answer if you are unhappy in a relationship, but what you have explained I do understand your situtation. Every situation is different and there is a point of understanding that is needed to help you.
You sound like an intelligent, caring, good mother, and a person who has tried her best to deal with what you are going through. Don't be hard on yourself, because this will pervent you from moving on as a whole person.
I would suggest again with all due respect that you do get some conselling for yourself and if you see fit for your children also. I would talk to your doctor, and he/she might able to suggest a counsellor for you. It will help to ease your mind, put things in prosective. It is also a part of healing that will help you/children move on with your life with a clearer sense of peace of mind.
About this man you have met, and I am happy for you. If you live on your own. I have read that you did file for divorce, their must be a date of a legal seperation stated on the deed. Even if not you need not worry about this hindering you. If you are living on your own, you are considered seperated. I would not dismiss this man. I would pursue your heart for finding happiness. You can date him as long as it takes for you to get a divorce, and I will strongly suggest you do get one. It will be release from the ties you feel with your ex.
For your sake I would think about getting a restraining order against your ex. This is not a matter of upsetting him, but more one way of protecting yourself, and children. It does not have to only be used for phyical abuse it can be use for harrassment of which I could feel your ex has been giving you torment over the years. At this point you should first think of your/children's feelings first. It will aslo ease your mind as far as him being able to confront/contact you in the furture.
I do hope my advice has given some form of comfort, hope, and ideas of some options you can choose from. You do have a right of having a good life, it is your privilege. I also know it will be difficult. Every transition is. I do however feel you are a strong person and you will try your best to gain happiness of which I will state again you deserve. What ever you do, it will be your choice.
I do wish you/your childrn the very best of luck
good luck & take care
|
