A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I really need some help Im a married wowman and have cheated even had an affair. It is not my personality to mess around. I have to admit I do miss the rush I used to get. It was always exciting to me to meet someone new. I feel guilty for feeling this way I am happily married. I feel bored and not very desirable anymore unless I have caught someones eye. How can I oversome this?
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female
reader, Eyespy17 +, writes (6 November 2009):
Orginial poster / I don't think I can private message you bc you posted anonymously also. But I am eyespy17 and you can send me a direct message if you'd like .
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo anonymous send me a private messege if you like and we can talk more... thanks :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI thank you for all your advice good or bad im not here to make enemies. I understand how I came across as defensive and confusing my appoligies to who I have offended. We all make mistakes that is why god created erasers on pencils.... Lets all remember why we are all all this site to help one another... To error is human
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2009): I know EXACTLY what you are feeling. In my opinion, it is natural to seek a thrill/attention and you should definitely not be crucified on here. It is 100% possible to love your husband and have a good marriage AND flirt on the side. The only advice I can give (as someone on the same wave length); is there a way you can look and not touch? Get the attention from the "new man" and keep the rest a fantasy. Even use that fantasy to boost your own feelings of sexiness and go at it with your husband. Just as some men may think of a porn scene while having sex with their wives, you can think of the other "new" guy to spice things up. Everyone on here will probably hate my answer but I think it's the best solution for now. I also posted a similar question on here if you want to read it. "to cheat or not to cheat. Can monogamy really exist?!"
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2009): Anymore advise please
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2009): As a woman between the ages of 36-40, why are you getting so upset by someone else opinion? Usually the defense mechanism pops up when there is a ring of truth. At the age that you are, you shouldn't get angry over people giving you their advice and opinions. If it isn't true, then nobody I knows get upset over a lie.
I don't know what is really going on with you because from what I read, I'm totally confused. You start off first by saying that you have cheated. Then you state that it is not in your personality to cheat. After that you state you miss the rush of meeting someone new. Plus you say that you feel guilty for feeling that way because you're happily married. Lastly, you say that you are bored and don't feel desired anymore. What are you feeling exactly? Do you even know? I sure don't. None of this makes sense.
Even from your responses to the posters that have answered I'm still lost. More info needed.
The best thing that you can do is present what is really going on with you. From what you posted, the only advice you are going to get is what pretty much has been posted already, which you clearly can't handle from your responses. Give more background and maybe we can understand what it is you're asking for help for.
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female
reader, HonningKanin  +, writes (2 November 2009):
 I think that was a little harsh of an answer.
No it wasn't to be honest. It was rather a disection of your behavior and covering of corner for you to ask yourself and things for you to digest. If it struck a nerve with you that would be your issue, not mine. You were more than likely deffensive at my post and possibly too emotionally charged at being insulted to realise the advise that laid there in.
I have not made any implication of cheating again.
You didn't have to. It was rather implied with the fact that you have done this multiple times before. People like you do not actively look for a partner to stray from. It just happens, due to you desire for gratification.(I am not talking just about sexual, but just the ego boost and the feeling of being wanted.)
It was only a cry for help. Im not a sex addict and I have a great marraige with my husband.
"Cry for help" and "great marriage" never go together in a sentence. That is an oxymoron. I also never implied you were a sex addict I stated you could go to a sex addict anonymous group for group counseling. This is something that people with far bigger problems than you go to to help with their urges and was a suggestion only if you told your husband.
The second advise if you kept your mouth shut to him was to go to a private theripist, where they have doctor patient confidenciality.
IF you need to know I did it out of curiosity because he was my first.
So? Whats your point? Even if he wasn't your first you could still be curious about what some guy at work would be like in bed, it doesn't mean you curiosity is a valid reason for crossing the boundries of the marriage.
I sometimes think of it it dose not mean I will do it.
Your right, it doesn't but you have.
I do respect my marriage and my husband. I have told him everything and we are still happlily married
Then why are you hear again? If you are happily married you could just use the reasoning(like i said before) that the cost of losing your marriage outweights self gratifaction. It wont stop you from getting the urges, but it will help in not allowing them to fruit.
As for this....
people is glass houses should not throw stones.
I dont know if that was intended for me or for another poster, but either way it is a pointless analogy on this forum. You put yourself up here on display, expect no holds bar stones of information to head your way. We have absolutely nothing to lose by giving you this information.
You are defensive and one of the things you can never be when getting advise is defensive. Otherwise you end up closing your ears and putting yourself on autopilot to try and protect yourself. alot of the times, from the truth.
HonningKanin
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionpeople is glass houses should not throw stones
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female
reader, Jayney Y  +, writes (2 November 2009):
 I'll apologise now because I'm going to be a bit rough. You are NOT "happily married". If your husband knew what you were really like, I can assure you things at home wouldn't be too happy at all, unless he is the sort of guy who desn't mind his wife being selfish, deceitful, and cheap. What makes you think you have the right to manipulate your husband by sneaking around behind his back like rat in a garbage bin? As for feeling bored unless you've caught someone's eye.....maybe you should get a life, or even just start with a hobby that doesn't entail banging anyone who looks at you the right way. Unless you're a nymphomaniac there is no excuse for behaving the way you have. Good luck :)
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female
reader, happy24birthday +, writes (2 November 2009):
 It's going to be hard to overcome since you've already crossed that line. The only thing I can think of is for you to devote and divert your energy to your husband. Whatever you would do to attract someone else (if there is something), do it for him. Think of him as a boyfriend or someone you're secretly meeting. You say that you're happily married, so you may already be doing these things. Perhaps you could still catch someone's eye but let it end with that rather than catching and keeping his eye. I'm in much the same boat as you. I think maybe age has something to do with it, which I get, too. Self-control and diverted attention, that's all I can offer other than an ear to listen.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think that was a little harsh of an answer. I have not made any implication of cheating again. It was only a cry for help. Im not a sex addict and I have a great marraige with my husband. IF you need to know I did it out of curiosity because he was my first. I sometimes think of it it dose not mean I will do it. I do respect my marriage and my husband. I have told him everything and we are still happlily married.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2009): This site doesn't like cheaters, you're going to get it here pretty hard, be prepared.
Of course it's exciting to have someone new all the time, but it's really your personal choice. You feel quilty about it, but still do it, some people can't stay monogamous, doesn't matter how hard they try.
I can detect some self-esteem issue here, always looking for someone's approval.
If you decide to keep going on having affairs, use precautions not to get infected. Good luck
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female
reader, HonningKanin +, writes (1 November 2009):
Oh boy, this is a very big problem indeed. You no longer feel loved and desired by your husband and you miss the rush and excitment of "new" relationships. Scientists studying this would suggest your behaviour is a prime example of how people are "addicted to love." Or atleast the chemical gratification associated with "love."
See the thing is you want your slice of cake and eat it too, but this is completely unfair to your husband. I am not sure how you would feel if you found he was doing the same thing, but I would ask you to imagine that scenario. You aren't really feeling guilty for the things you are doing because if you did you wouldn't do them. The rush and excitment you get from your liasons outweight that feeling of guilt and is the reason you continue to do it. The only real way for you to overcome this is if your love for your husband and commitment to the boundries and promises you made when you got married outweight your personal gratification. Which it clearly doesn't. You will very likely continue to do so until you get caught in which case you will more than likely freak out at the prospect of losing your husband.
You have to ask yourself. If you husband caught you and threatened to leave you, what would be the real impetus for him to stay? What would be his reason? Frankly I would say none. You betrayed his trust. People like you are far too common. You trap yourselves in relationships you don't really want, you make promises to people who seek monogamy and end up not being able to fullfill that end of the bargain, and then fear being alone when caught. Why do you waste your time and his by pretending to be something you are not for him? Why are you continueing to be so selfish because you fear being alone?
My advise is to free yourself of your marriage. Its not what you or he needs. You may indeed love him, but you are not capable of being monogamous if that is what he expects from you. No one deserves to be lied to, especially not by the person who vowed to be honest to them. You will get many aunties and uncles here telling you to tell your husband of what you did and that he has a right to know. The all are correct, but thats only if you want a relationship built on honesty.
If you do and your husband finds it in his heart to forgive you, make the opportunity to try and rebuild what you destroyed. Go to counseling to try and rebuild that spark. The sacrifice will be to shun new temptations and the punishment will be your husbands forever watchful eye and suspicion. Counseling may be another route. If you are serious you could consider "Sex addicts anonymous" groups.
If you choose to keep quiet you can go to a therapist to help you try and resist your urges. Half ass attempts will just further insult your husband and the vows you made.
The choices are yours of course.
HonningKanin
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