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female
age
41-50,
*endy2012
writes:I fostered a child three years ago, and the child is now 6. He was abandoned by his parents when he was a baby. I got him before I got married. Am now married and my husband has had a hard time accepting the boy. He is just plain cold towards him, though he does not verbally or physically abuse him. I have two other kids, one of them with hubby. I have relatives coming in and out on different occasions. Now, the problem is I do not like the way my relatives treat my son. They are never nice to him, and would sometimes even shout at him. They never do that to my bio kids. It annoys me to have to remind them to treat him nice all the time. I suspect they notice that hubby does not like the kid, and they may get away with ill-treating him, especially when am away. Just the other day, the nanny bathed him cold water, and the weather was really chilly. She told me he was being difficult to bath. Another weekend I was out, he was dirty and no one really cared to ensure he has bathed and is clean despite the nanny and another teenage niece being around. Another time I was out for work for two weeks, I found him scruffy, with lots of hair, long dirty nails and chapped cheeks. i pay the nanny to keep him clean.I tell them several times, but nothing changes. I notice the subtle bad treatment when am around and just imagine how bad it gets when am away. Am thinking of firing the nanny. (she also cares for my smaller child though, really well and the baby is always crying for her. Where am I going wrong? What can I do to protect my son? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2013): I'm so sorry to hear about your terrible situation and that of your foster son. Unfortunately you and him (especially him) are trapped by the culture you live in. I know it is not easy at all to do this, but after reading your posts, the only thing I can think of is:1. Fire the nanny, definitely.2. Leave your husband.3. move to another country where there is more cultural support for adoption, where adopted children are not shunned and mistreated.Divorcing your husband may sound extreme and also be against your culture. But some times going against your culture is what you need to do, if it is your culture that is tearing your life apart. Your husband is abusive. Any adult who would hit a kid like that is an abuser, and if you stay married to him you are indirectly being complicit to this and saying it's OK. I would be so disgusted by any man who hit any defenseless smaller creature whether it is a child or animal, I could not call such a man my husband. Even if you don't divorce your husband legally, I strongly suggest you move out and live on your own without him. You did it before - before you got married - you can do it again. Again, I am not saying this is easy to do, just that maybe it is a goal for you to work towards??basically, I am encouraging you to work on separating yourself from your husband and the other abusers in your family. You need to go back to being 100% in control over your foster son's life, like the way it was before you got married. Either that or you should return him to the government foster system so he can have a shot at another foster home that may treat him better. It is possible he may end up in just as bad or worse a home, but at least he would have a chance for something better whereas by staying with you he is guaranteed to continue to be abused.
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female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (2 July 2013):
it sounds like your husband controls all that happens in your house and while this might be normal in your culture, you sound intelligent enough to know that it isnt right. I think this reveals a lot about your marriage, your husband should be willing to treat that boy like his own. he knew that you had taken your son on as your biological child, therefore he has no excuse for being resentful of him. PLEASE fire the nanny, she is a child abuser. you may also want to rethink your marriage, as your husband is capable of abusing any child, not just this poor innocent child. by the way, I think you are wonderful for bringing this child into your family (whether others there agree or not) God will reward you
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2013): My heart swelled when I read the further details in your second post. I somewhat had guessed there wasn't much hope for this poor child if he was returned to the system. What is even more heart-breaking is to know he wouldn't be treated any better anywhere else.
I read a lot about your culture in Africa. The rights of women and gays is deplorable. Even worse for abandoned and orphaned children. I've read horror stories regarding men and young girls. Had your foster child been a girl, I could only believe matters would be even worse.
You went into a marriage with a man who is just one step from an abusive monster. He slapped an innocent and defenseless child until his face was swollen. I am further convinced he treats his own children no different, and you fear him. This child's life is hell. With or without you.
I pray that he grows up and becomes something wonderful and grateful of someone kind and caring enough to care for him against all odds. There is a benevolent force that brought him into your care; because he has few other options.
There is only one problem. Your talk with your husband will mean absolutely nothing, and you know it. If it mattered, you wouldn't have written your post.
You can get rid of that nanny a lot easier than your husband. Any man who can hurt a child will hurt a woman too. You don't say so; but I'm sure he does, or will at some point. You are the only thing that stands between him, his family, and that boy.
I believe all the advice has been offered that can be offered. The authorities obviously would care less for his welfare; and he is apparently an outcast of society.
He is fortunate to have love and care in any amount.
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reader, wendy2012 +, writes (1 July 2013):
wendy2012 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your advice. am thinking firing the nanny would be the best. i will talk to hubby also to change. he was actually worse than this, he used to literely spank the child, and shout. at one point the child was beaten so hard he was swollen on his face. it took the intervention of my sister in law to make him change. so now thats when he changed to just ignoring the kid. i have not adopted him cos authorities need hubbys consent, since am married now and he says it better that way. i actually feel its safer if he is not adopted cos in case i died, he could be taken back. if we adopted him, and i happen to die, he would continue livng with hubby, and i cant trust him. taking him back to foster home would be a bad option. i live in africa, where families rarely adopt, and there is alot of opposition against someone who adopts. its actually almost unheard of, most who do, do so secretely and lie to everyone that its their child for fear of stigma. The foster care environment is pathetic. the kids are crowded, there isnt sufficient food and kids have no proper clothing. the foster care workers also do not really pay that much attention to the kids as they are too many, and they dont get enough money to be motivated to work. when i got him, he had no shoes, had tight fitting clothes. he would 'scramble' for food and never trusted that there was sufficient to fill him up. he was so excited with new clothes, and never just believed anyone could buy him clothes. he also had strange manarism and would be scared to normal things like birds, dogs, crowd of adults, cos the kids are never taken out to interact with the normal world. now he is a normal child, and looking at that, i wouldnt want him to go back there as long as am living and can do something to make his life better. he also would be very dipressed cos he has become attached to me and does not know that we are not his bio parents.
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reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (30 June 2013):
 Did you adopt him or is he a foster child?
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reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (30 June 2013):
 FIRE THE NANNY, NO MORE BEBATE NEEDED! INSIST that your Husband and relatives show more humanity and respect for this little unfortunate who is in your care! This is most infuriating for me to hear that anyone could act so indifferent to an innocent child! Has this child not already suffered enough tragic lose to be continually abandoned or punished in his life? …and how is Hubby just ‘plain cold’ towards him not considered as abuse when the boy child is neglected under his care? Others know what they can get away with when you’re not there, yet Hubby does nothing to change this shameful behaviour! Is he not acting as an Authority in your absence?“Treat those the same way we would like to be treated!”Here I admire your courage and compassionate spirit; you’re evidently different in nature from the rest of your relatives… but to have married a man who doesn’t have the same level of compassion as yourself is regrettable and a struggle… as his input and leadership would guarantee better care results of this boy child when working as a family.I believe Hubby needs to change his attitude quick smart and set a healthy example for others; lest you have the rest of your family and children follow in his cold footsteps!? Bless you and may this child be loved wholeheartedlyTake Care – CAA
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reader, deirdre +, writes (30 June 2013):
maverick 494 has got it in one with their answer. the nanny is capable of mistreating all of your kids since she mistreats one. get rid of her immediately. your husband needs a stern talking to, he knew you had your son with you when he met you and if he didnt accept this then he should have told you and left you to find a man who will.
please keep this child but make sure he is well looked after and treated fairly by anyone in his life
God bless
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2013): ????
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2013): How can you really trust a nanny who can be cruel to any child? She even ignored your warnings? She is nice to your biological children; because she knows your husband could rip her to shreds. He doesn't care how she treats the foster-child. She obviously doesn't respect your authority as her employer, where this child is concerned.Is the child of another race or ethnicity? Is there a cast system within your culture? For the child's sake; if you're not around 24/7 to protect him, he is better left under the care of a family who will not abuse or neglect him. Love has to be all around him. I know you love the child. I commend you for such a wonderful loving spirit; but please do what you think is in his best interest. The others neglect and mistreat him; and who knows what else could happen when you're not there. He could be scarred by the cruelty for life. He knows he isn't liked by anyone but you and the other children. If authorities find any signs of abuse or neglect, you could be facing serious charges. Child protection authorities hold both you and your husband equally responsible for the child's safety and welfare, while under your care.It's a heart-breaking story to read. Your husband's resentment will eventually start to affect the child's behavior. He will act out on it. That's what happens when children feel they aren't liked. He would not be fair with his disciplining of the child. He may be unjustly harsh.At 6, he has a pretty good understanding of what is going on around him. Your compassion alone is not enough to protect him. You can't control your husband's feelings; nor those of his kindred.It may be better to return him to the foster-care authorities; where he might be placed in a more loving environment. The only problem is; you and I both know, that he could end up in a worse situation. You just can't take the risk if he is mistreated by anyone else; while under your care. There would be nothing you could say in your own defense; if that child is hurt by any of those people. It was you who gave him a home. If your husband doesn't like the child, why would you insist on subjecting him to this?You've already seen evidence of how they will mistreat him.
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reader, maverick494 +, writes (30 June 2013):
Time to step up for your child.
Fire the nanny. I've babysat and cared for a ton of kids and some of them behaved like little monsters, but I always got them clean, fed and content in the end. They didn't always like me, and sometimes I didn't like them, but I always made sure they were well cared for. In short: your nanny is full of shit for using that as an excuse not to look after him properly. The baby will get used to a new one in no-time and your money is better spent on someone who will give your son their time and attention.
Talk to your husband. The best way to tackle this is to switch POV's. Ask your hubby how he'd feel in the boy's shoes, when the grown-up he's supposed to look up to devotes his attention to everyone but him, when the relatives give him the cold shoulder as well, just because he's not biologically related. This child didn't ask for this. He was born in these circumstances and now you're trying to give him a good home he's being denied love and attention by others because he doesn't share the same blood. Tell your husband to ask himself if he'd appreciate being treated like that. Because if I was that boy, I'd be difficult too if I could sense no-one but my mom wanted me around.
I think that if you get your husband to look at this whole deal from your son's point of view, he'll mellow out. And with him, so should his family.
Also tell him that you're a package deal that includes your adoptive son and that by being cold to the boy, he's hurting you too. Tell him expect him to have your son's back and stand up for him when relatives/visitors show and treat him badly.
Speaking of which, whenever you notice bad behavior, even if it's subtle, call people out on it. Take them aside if need be. But don't let it pass.
Lastly, talk to your kid. Ask him what he feels and how he feels towards other people. Ask him what they do and say to him. Then ask him how he reacts. Kids are very perceptive and since he's the one being mistreated you should definitely get info from him. Make sure he knows he's loved by you. You may not have a lot of time, but go out of your way to do activities with him, like for example drawing, games, puzzles, etc. Something that engages you both. I'm not saying you should play favorite, but you should definitely show him that you enjoy his company.
As a kid I was always overshadowed by my autistic twin brother. He was very difficult and took up so much of my parents' time they often shoved me aside. When my brother wanted something, they came running. When I asked for something, the most common answer was 'not now'. It really made me feel unappreciated. My parents fixed this when I got older and my brother got more manageable, but at your son's age I felt like the loneliest kid on the planet. Your son gets deprived of everyone's attention, except yours when you're around. If you show him you're there for him and you have his back in the company of others, it'll strengthen your bond and improve his life.
I don't know where you went wrong, but I think most of these issues stem from prejudice, hypocrisy and short sightedness of others toward adoptive children. Many people still don't view these children as being as worthy as a biological child. It's up to you to smack those bad notions out of them. Or kick them out when they don't treat your child right.
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