A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been with a boyfriend for three years and at this point, I just don't know what to do anymore. First off, my boyfriend is a very good guy. He's respectful towards me and my family and friends, doesn't "kiss and tell", supports my goals and dreams, and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. Well, here's the problem: In the beginning (as it is with nearly all relationships) we had sex so often, I thought our reproductive organs were going to fall off (in my case, fall out). Well, as time progressed, the passion has pretty much left the building. My sex drive has remained relatively the same while his has gone to the gutter. We're only 23...We definitely don't have sex as much as we used to. I never pressure him especially since he can't exactly keep it up for too long (however, it takes him forever to climax). The last three times I've had sex, it's been with my trusty little vibrator. When I'm on my period, I can forget about it; I barely get a hug from him, let alone anything else. We rarely kiss anymore and when I try to get him in the mood, I'm the only one putting any effort into it.I dress up in sexy lingerie or outfits that he would find intriguing, I give him blow jobs (he hasn't gone down on me in months), I offer him anal (he refuses most of the time). I've wanted him to join me in the shower but he always comes in right when I'm done. I've asked him several times what the matter is and he says he's stressed out, depressed, always tired, or generally not feeling it. He's been late to work several times over the last six months due to over sleeping; as a result, I've had to pick up SO many hours at work that I'm starting to burn out.And it's always money that he's freaked out about (we were 'drowning' for a small while but now we're back in saddle and things haven't changed) or the fact that his "friends don't like him" (we live 40 minutes from everyone he usually hangs out with and that's inconvenient for most of his friends).I'm a very optimistic person and he can't seem to find sunshine in anything. I've done virtually everything to make him feel better. Given him space, do all the work for sex, tell him to hang out with his friends more often, it just doesn't happen. I feel like I'm losing my best friend and I don't know what to do. I find I'm nearly crying myself to sleep. I feel like it shouldn't be this bad so early on in life and only three years in. I love him to pieces and care about him so much and I find myself always wanting him to be happier than me, but he's making it so hard for me.I don't want to break up with him; I really don't. And I know he doesn't want to lose me, either. But what the hell is a very horny, very faithful girl with a not-so horny boyfriend to do?
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at work, best friend, blow-job, depressed, horny, in the mood, money, period, sex drive, vibrator Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Just.opinions +, writes (6 August 2013):
These are the symptoms of depression. I would suggest sitting him down and talking seriously about seeing a councellor. Let him know you are willing to be there during the session or to be absent and give him privacy. If he is not willing to see a councellor, then forcing him will not help.
As a person who struggles with depression, anxiety, and loss of emotional and sexual drive, i feel the best i can do is tell you how my mind works in this state.
I act as though i do not want help, as it is hard to let him see my weaknesses. But each time i say "i will be ok" i really mean "please know i need your help. I wish i were strong enough to ask for it"
When i igbire his positivity and dismiss his compliments, its because i am unable to tell him that theyre the only things keeping me afloat.
I sometimes behave strangely. I cant admit i have a problem to him. I would rather he see it. I really dont feel like being intimate. I cant get excited about anything. Why would i get excited about sex, either?
I would suggest excersizing together. Sunlight produces vitamin d, which is known to improve mood. Excersize is known to stimulate a better mood through endorphins.
Write him letters. I keep everything my man writes for me. It is so old fashioned and its obvious a letter took more time than a compliment. And i can read it when im feeling low. Nobody has to know im reading it.
Continue to masturbate. Really. Its healthy and empowering to fulfill your own needs, even when he is back on board.
And dont quit asking about the councellor and how he feels. It will let him know you havent forgotten he is in distress.
He needs your love and support now more than ever. I am impressed that you are continuing to give it. Even if he cant tell you, i know he is just as impressed as we all are
A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (30 June 2013):
Dear OP,
your boyfriend sounds depressed and lonely. This kills any sex drive, so lingerie and initiative won't help here. He needs to be happy and gain energy first before anything can change for the better sexually.
What you can do is: have patience with him and care for him. Yes, it may seem like you are already patient, but a depression can last for months. Try to get him to go to a counsellor and get help. Be nice to him and spend quality time. Don't put any more pressure on him or tell him how horny you are, he'll only feel like a failure.
I've been in your situation for a while and if you want to stay together my advice is: Distract yourself from being horny. Not in general, just for now, as long as your boyfriend is so down. Do lots of sport, activities with friends, go out.. you know, do many things that make you happy but keep you from thinking about sex. It's only disappointing to fantasize about it and then not getting any. Don't watch any porn, find tv series that you like instead. Sounds like a stupid advice I know, but it has helped me in times when my partner didn't want any sex. If you focus too much on your unsatisfying sex life, it's not going to get any better, but it will make you unhappy and take away your energy.
My hopes are that if he recovers from his current state, his sex drive will come back by itself.
Maybe it also helps if you don't make it easy for him to get sexual satisfaction, while you are not getting any. Don't give him bj's if he doesn't go down on you anymore, don't offer him anal or anything, make him work for it. If you are too generous, he probably doesn't appreciate it anymore after some time.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2013): Have him checked for thyroid problems or other medical problems. If he sleeps a lot and is usually tired he may have hypothyroidism.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (30 June 2013):
 All relationships go through passionate times and other times of normalcy. After 3 years together, I can definitely see why he might be feeling a little bit of "ho-hums"
First off, if your boyfriend is tired and sleeps all the time, he could be facing some serious challenges at work or school. Compound his outside duties along with feeling the pressure of pleasing you, I can definitely see where he might feel overloaded.
Perhaps it is time to take stock as to whether his workload is too heavy and perhaps make the necessary changes so that he can focus some time on you.
I would like to commend you for taking the initiative in the bedroom. You definitely have already tried most of the suggestions I would've made. The only other one I would recommend is that you try to spend some quality time together (i.e. dating like stuff) or plan a fun weekend away (for instance Vegas).
I also would encourage you to bring this up verbally if you haven't already done so. He may be clueless as to your feelings.
Finally, at some point you may have to decide for yourself what price you want to put on sexual satisfaction in your relationship. If your boyfriend's sexual appetite doesn't match yours, you could wind up dissatisfied and ultimately resentful. The question you need to ask yourself is what length are you going to go to seek satisfaction if this winds up being "the way it is" from here on out?
Eddie
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A
female
reader, Pr3tty_in_pink86  +, writes (29 June 2013):
It sounds to me like he might be watching porn too much. Turning down sex, taking forever to cum, ed...
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A
female
reader, misLadYd..  +, writes (29 June 2013):
 keep using that vibrator and dont lose hope on your bf..he will/might come around.i bet its just a temporary setback.
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