A
male
age
41-50,
*lick
writes:I broke up with my partner about 3 weeks ago as her behaviour has been awful and disrespectful in the last few months getting worst up to the day we broke up. I then discovered she was cheating on me. I caught her once before and forgave her 2 years ago. Ever since we broke up she has been whoring out every night with anyone who pays attention to her coming home drunk and smelling like sexual intercourse. The issue is not with this as we leave separated in the house, but with the fact that she wants to sleep with our child and I know that she uses no protection putting not only our child mental health at risk, but also her physical one.I told her repeatedly to behave and pls come to home decent, to shower before. But to no avail.I would like to have your opinion wether I can take all her stuff pack it up and get a moving company to get it to her parents home, to another town, and change the locks so when she gets home she can't get in. And if she does because I might have to let her in as the kid will be inside with me, she wont have any of her stuff. Including the bed and hopefully she goes and stays somewhere else.I don't know how to deal with the behaviour but I know I need to stop it some how. Any advice is welcome.
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female
reader, Justinara  +, writes (11 June 2012):
If the house you live in is entirely yours than you get to make the choice.
You are the man and you have a child. So you do everything to protect the life of your baby.
I think you know what to do. You want the child to still have a mother.
Get contact with her parents and tell them to pick up her stuff, otherwise you offer to drop it to theirs.
Change the locks and do not give her the new keys.
If she does not want to go to her parents, have in hand some info regarding places where she can get help, shelter (that if you really that kind and want to help)
Let the social service know of her behaviour, if she still continues to act like this, warn her she will lose her family.
Its tough but she is a big girl and needs to start to act her age. Remind yourself often that the child well being comes first.
Do not have any contact with her and only have contact with her through organisations.
The thing I am trying to get here is that you mean business so this woman realise she needs to get her act together and remember while you can help, ultimately she needs to get it through he brain that reality is, she is only going to get worse if things do not change. Sounds like she suffers from low self esteem and has no self worth.
Be little cruel to be kind.
A
female
reader, BondGirl72  +, writes (11 June 2012):
 Talking to the landlady about your situation might help. If you can't get your partner out, you might have to get the assistance of your landlady to help you find a similar place to live. I know you like your home, but this sounds like a terrible situation and may be cause enough for you to move. The only other thing you could do is get the help of her parents, but from the sound of it, they may not be willing to help.
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A
male
reader, ulick +, writes (11 June 2012):
ulick is verified as being by the original poster of the question We rent, and the contract is on my company name (however she is partner with 0,5% stake in it) so I could cancel the lease to force her out but that will put our kid on a strain.
I cannot call the cops. It would be reasonable to do so in the US or Germany but in Italy if I call the cops to tell them that my ex is drunk sleeping in the same bed as our child they will laught on my face! We have a very poor, but numerous, law enforcement here.
Today I am talking to a land lady of an empty studio next door and see if maybe I can move her stuff there and ask her to sleep there.
Realistically I would love to kick her out and ship all her stuff to her parents but it might put me in troubles even considering the situation.
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (10 June 2012):
Does she have part ownership of the house? If she does, it will be harder to kick her out, but I do not think you would have to have video as proof. Just call the authorities when she shows up drunk. If you cannot remove her yourself, you are going to need the help of someone else. I think I would change the locks on my doors. This could create a scene, so you will want to be prepared for it.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (10 June 2012):
 I suspect you have already had words with your wife about this but does she know how seriously you are taking it, i.e. thinking of locking her out and taking legal advise? If not, you should tell her. Not as a threat, but to make her see how serious the situation is. I don't know how much your daughter is affected by this, but if it escalates or continues for much longer you could consider involving social services. Though I don't know what the system is in Italy...If I were you I'd contact her parents again. Keep the email, keep the delivery report and read receipt if you can. It's all evidence. It's evidence that you are trying to sort this out before resorting to drastic measures like locking her out.You can't take pictures of a smell, that's true, but you could start to keep a diary of what's happening. You have phone evidence and so on.Is there any way you can take your daughter away somewhere for a few days, just the two of you, to put some space between you and your wife? I think it might help. It would also give your daughter a break - she must be aware that changes are happening and she must be rather scared and confused. As for your wife sleeping in the same bed as your daughter when she's drunk and dirty - get firm and tell her absolutely 'NO'. It's not exactly normal for a parent to share a bed routinely with a six year old anyway, but it's completely inappropriate under these circumstances. It's wrong, confusing and upsetting for any child to be woken in the night to find a drunken, smelly parent next to them! Seriously I would tell your wife that you are considering contacting social services/ child protection services and are about to take legal advise. She needs a short, sharp shock to hopefully stop herself spiralling out of control more than she already has.
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A
male
reader, ulick +, writes (10 June 2012):
ulick is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your answers. Sorry for the missunderstanding, I meant sleeping like sleeping in the same bed, no abusing going on.I don't know. How can I prove in front of a judge that she come home like she does? I can't take pictures of the smell!She needs help, she is going to a psycologist now not often enought.I wrote her parents an email as I tried to reach them by phone unsuccefully and asked the to address the situation with their daughter but she told her dad that I am lying. And her dad is all for her daughter tought he knows its true.I do in fact have checked on her phone and email lately and can corroborate all of it with her and her lovers words.It will be nice to kick her out but I might have to talk to a lawyer before.
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (10 June 2012):
What do you mean..."sleep with our child"? Do you mean she just sleeps in the same bed or is she sexually abusing your child? If it is the latter...you need to call the police. I do no know how your law enforcement works, but if someone will not leave your house after you have told them, it is considered trespassing. I would contact law enforcement if she will not leave. If law enforcement will not assist you, I would suggest packing her things and putting them outside along with changing all of the locks on your doors. Sometimes we have to go to the extreme to protect ourselves and children.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (10 June 2012):
Are you on good terms with her parents? Can you ask them for some help/ advise (without telling them about the "whoring" stuff)? It sounds like your wife could do with some support, but I appreciate that your priority is the well being of your daughter.
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A
female
reader, Starlights +, writes (10 June 2012):
 She obviously needs bigger help; sounds like this lady is having a breakdown.
Wont she seek medical advice? you share a child too; so if the child is in danger its understandable you want the mother cleaning up her act!
I wouldnt kick her out personally; she obviously needs help.
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A
female
reader, Miss Johnson +, writes (10 June 2012):
 She has serious issues. You and your children does not deserve to be treated that way. I think all her things should be packed and ship to her family's home but make sure they are aware. Also you should change the locks and let her know what is happening and why. Do not take her back ever again she cheated twice and now she sleeps with random people and seems to be addicted to alcohol. No one needs this she has to first manage herself before she can even have any type of relationship with anyone. Do what you have to do to protect yourself and your children as best as you know how. I wish you well.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (10 June 2012):
 If you own the home and she has no claim to the house (i.e never contributes financially to the mortgage, is not on the deeds to the home, has never paid for repairs/decorating etc) then yes you can change the locks and have her belongings sent elsewhere. It would be worthwhile before you do this to speak to her and explain that she has to leave and you will be moving her belongings out, and ask where she would like her belongings shipped to.
If she still refuses when you speak to her, then you need to say the same thing again, but in writing so you have evidence that you tried to reason with her before you took any drastic action. In the event that she does take you to court or any lawyers become involved, if you have evidence in writing that you gave her opportunities to leave in a civilised manner then her lawyers wont have a leg to stand on.
In writing can be a letter (which you keep a copy of) or a dated email. Both would work fine.
If the letter/email doesnt work, then by all means change the locks and get her stuff out of the house and to her parents. However this woman is the mother of your child, and legally she has rights to see the child. So you will need to speak to a lawyer to draw up visitation and access plans. If you feel she is an unfit mother (like you say she is) then you can seek custody. However be aware that it is notoriously more difficult for men to get custody of the child as custody normally goes to the mother. So you will need evidence of why she is an unfit mother - so it might be wise to start building evidence now while she is still using your house.
This will be tough - and if she has any claims to the house then you will struggle to get her out of the house, it may be that you have to sell the house and get your own place before you can get her out if that is the case.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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