A
female
age
41-50,
*londebomb2
writes: I am 40 F,3 years ago I met a 21F College student that was on a internship.(Asia)- I Never dated woman before.At the time I was in a leadership role within the college. She made passes and I resisted, because I was nervous, scared and because of my position with the college.She lived in my spared bedroom while work was being done at her apartment. Everything we did together. Then she went back home. She ghosted me, then we went back to a long distance emotional relationship. She has two years left of college. I want her to stay there and finish College, plus I have a few changes I want to make first.I became friends with her mother and family. We send gifts back and forth.At Christmas something changed. I skyped and she acted not her normal self actually more than 1/2 of conversation I only seen her lips and down and how she acted. I was hurt, and told her I needed some time to think.The more time that went all my feelings feel the same. I love her. We have so many things stacked against each other. Language, Culture, and she is my yang to my yin.I touched base after a month, I just felt guilt for taking time. She did not make contact with me however did little things online to make me think it was towards me. So I wrote what I felt - that sometimes I am not sure what she wants and I felt I have to compete to be in her life. I also apologized because I understood my feelings were like a double edge sword. I told her let's go slow and see we will figure out the next step later. Next thing she sent me a picture of her hair being cut short and I know in her culture that's heartache (breakup). I asked her what cutting her hair short meant in japan this is what she said..Woman do it when the are heartbroke or something. But I did not get heartbroke. I just wanted to blow dry my hair faster. We talked a few times since then - I feel like she is ignoring me here and now. Her mom has now found out also and I feel like it's hurt her family and my relations with them. I received a huge package from her family and her.The day before they came she posted on social media how she has been having sex with someone for the past year and she either loves him or the sex. Then the next day open a package that has gifts from her with a little cartoon me and heart.When she does stuff it's not like our culture- when she hurts she always hurts me. She never tells you directly her feelings but show you through a movie by fast forwarding or by posting on social media something she knows I would only get based off our past. I love her. I want to bring her here, I just want to make a few big changes with my life first to be able to have the life I am wanting to have. So my questions - Is why is she saying and doing those things? Then now ignoring me.I don't understand. I have texted twice in the past two weeks. With no response however she is looking at my stories.. what should I do?Thanks for your time reading and response.
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female
reader, MSA +, writes (26 February 2019):
 When I'm confused I either ask for clarification or I let go. I don't like to feel confused about my relationship with anyone, whether it be friendship or love. If two people don't express mutual feelings then one must let go because one person cannot continue in a relationship that requires two.
From your post, I hear nothing but confusion. You need to ask her straight up how she feels or you need to let it go.
A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (25 February 2019):
 Sad to say but I don't think there is anything to save. You had so many factors working against you and for whatever reason, she chose to move on.
I will tell you that her family could have much more influence than what you realize. I am married to a Japanese man and as advanced as they are in certain areas, the Japanese are still rather close minded in their attitude towards romance. They still have arranged marriages and they are not very open minded when it comes to gay/lesbian relationships. Families often frown very heavily on those type of relationships and will punish or ostracize a child if they show those tendencies. The old school Japanese frown upon interacial relationships as well. Her family may have thought you were just a teacher and then found out otherwise and pushed her into a relationship with a man, or she had to commit to an arranged marriage.
Its hard to say. Or perhaps she was just exploring because she is young? She is much younger than you and at the ages you are at it would be very hard to make a relationship work and then you factor in the long distance??? Its almost overwhelming.
I'm sorry. Its not what you want to hear, but its reality. The best thing you can do is accept that its over (did it ever really get started) wish her well and move on with your life. It will hurt but don't waste your life wishing for something that you can't have with her.
I hope you find happiness.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 February 2019):
 Nothing in your post really shows a relationship that EVER worked or will ever work out.
I'm sorry, that is probably not what you want to hear.
It sounds like you two are at two VERY different stages in life, she IS only 21 and it shows. Regardless of her cultural background she shows a LOT of immaturity and not really being able to 1. express herself or communicate clearly and 2. you think that somehow "love" will fix everything. You have already spend a lot of time on this and it hasn't worked out... Any more time put into it is just going to be wasted too.
She has been intimate with someone else. Because she WANTED to. Which means anything "serious" with you is not really in HER cards.
FIND someone LOCAL and perhaps closer to your own age. Dating someone who could be your daughter, it might just be TOO big of a gap.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2019): First, I feel the let down and disappointmemt in your post.I think there are several fundamental issues in play here that appear to be difficult hurdles to overcome.I understand that an age difference can cause us older gals to feel a bit insecure..not because you arent every bit as beautiful and unique as younger counterparts.
There is the distance both physical and emotionally. It sounds like you made a real connection w her family, and they likely approve, but your significant other is playing games, sending mixed messages, creating drama you dont need,and not being completely forthright.She may be confused with what she wants as well, but her behavior may also be attributed to her immaturity.
There is the old saying: people come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. It has proven to be 100% accurate in my life as I look back and reflect. As much as it hurts, you cant take a person that falls into one category and transform the relationship into what you want.
At our age, we dont want to go down these same old roads time and again. Look at the facts you have put forth and the answers are in your face...you just dont want to see them. Look more objectivelt at the mixed messages;she is telling you through her actions that she is not ready for more right now.Dont take it personally !!!She likely feels strongly about you as well.
The truth doesnt make you or her bad people.Trust your gut, not your heart and mind. There is always hope I believe. Let her know how you honestly feel and then give her space..drop out of the picture. Tell her you genuinely care, but it is evident she is not ready for what you need. And, if she gets herself right, you can be there for her, but not as long as she is not there for you. I hope that helps.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2019): I think it was a brief romance pending her return home to an arranged-marriage. If you provided her any kind of help or assistance regarding her grades; or pulled any strings to her benefit, perhaps your purpose has been fulfilled.
I can only presume this means more to you than it ever meant to her. She did tell you she was with a guy. That was your cue to let-go.
I think you know foreign students are here on visas; and the college-experience is a time in our youth for creating memories and sexual-experimentation for someone her age. Try to regain some control and composure. The romance is over and you must return to reality.
Time to move-on.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (24 February 2019):
 I know it’s not what you want to hear, but she gaps like this rarely work because there’s usually a very noticeable incompatibility in life stages. That’s what’s happened here, among other things, and she’s just not interested any more. You weren’t well-suited, which is unfortunate, but we all go through it. Your next step is to move on and accept that it wasn’t meant to be. You’ll find someone else soon enough, but you need to let her go first.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (24 February 2019):
 But you and she are not really yin and yang, are you? Yin and yang ultimately connect and form a whole. You two, on the other hand, are constantly opposing each other. When SHE is pushing, you are running away, and vice versa.
I suspect she had a crush on you. You (sensibly, in my opinion) did not allow that to go any further. Now, because she is no longer pushing for more, you are suddenly terrified you will lose her. Sweetheart, you never really HAD her.
You say you love her and want to bring her here but need to make some changes first. I predict there will NEVER be a right time for this to happen. Also that you are only thinking along these lines now because she has backed off. If she was still pushing for a relationship, you would probably still be blocking it.
My advice, which I doubt you will take but here it is anyway: let her go and move on. Stop contacting her. Stop looking for hidden meaning in everything she posts on social media. Take some time out for yourself and decide what you want in life. You sound like you don't really know.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (24 February 2019):
 What should you do?
Move on, what else can you do? She couldn’t be more clear, she’s not interested! If you noticed that you’re fighting to be in her life then you are smart enough to understand that you SHOULD NOT need to do that if someone likes you back. She should be messsging you as much as you messsge her. Effort works both ways! Although not in this scenario.
She’s half your age, you are both at COMPLETELY different stages of life. She is busy in education and you’re past that. You’re at the age where a building a family of your own is likely! She’s not there yet.
I’m really unsure how you can be in ‘love’. She ghosted you, she ignores you, you do all the chasing, you don’t speak for months at a time. How have you built up any rapport here? All I can gather is one person who’s infatuated with another and one party, to be quite frank, cannot be assed.
In 3 years no real progress has been made. You’re not in love! You’re infatuated. Love is a mutual feeling between 2 people that want to be together, share each other’s passion and make it known that they care about each other. There is absolutely nothing here to suggest that’s the case between you two and you are wasting your time here! Not to mention she’s been sleeping with another guy for the past year!
Give up, stop wasting your life. You stroke her ego, she knows you like her but she doesn’t feel the same. Block her and move on.
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