A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I am a lady in my 60s and have been in an on/off relationship with a guy of similar age for 5 years. We usually fall out because I get hurt that he has not included me in his family get togethers or not bothered to get me anything for my birthday. He never takes me on holiday or out for a meal, we just meet up and go for long walks. We had a 5 month spell of not speaking until just before Christmas when he was ill and phoned me. Since then he has been a bit more thoughtful, he got me a valentine card (the first ever). However, it was my birthday a few days ago and he was going to take me out for the day but he cancelled because he had flu. I have been texting him every day to ask how he is feeling and to ask if there is anything I can get for him. He has been saying he is still coughing but the fever is better. Then my sister told me today that she had seen him at the seaside (which is a 45 mile drive away) today. I was very upset as I thought he was still unwell. I sent him a text asking how he is today and he said the cough is hanging on. I asked if he had been out for a walk in the lovely sunshine and he replied that he had been out twice but he never mentioned going to the seaside. I then texted him that it would have been a lovely day to go to the seaside if he wasn't poorly and he said it looked like being a sunny day Tuesday if I wanted to go. Still no mention that he went today. So my next text said 'did you go to the seaside today'? He must have guessed then that someone had seen him there and told me because he said well yes he did go out for a spin and ended up at the seaside and had fish and chips which were greasy and made him feel sick and came home early. I don't understand how a guy could prefer going to the seaside on his own when his girlfriend is at home alone and he knows she would have liked to go. I don't think he took anyone else by the way as my sister said he was alone eating his fish and chips. I know it sounds like a friends with benefits situation but he rarely wants to sleep with me. I am at my wits end as to what this guy does want. He must realise after all this time that I would get upset when he didn't bother with my birthday again even if I didn't find out about him going off to the seaside without me. People are always telling me what a nice man he is so is the problem with me? I would be grateful for any advice. Thanks.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2019): He is just a jerk of an old man. Dump him. You are better off alone and happy rather than dealing with him and always confused or upset. His health will only get worse and if you stay around you will end up taking care of him. Don't do it. Just don't.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2019): Relationships fail for whatever reasons; but never ever put yourself down for being vulnerable, kind, and compassionate.
You wanted to find love, just like anyone else reading your post or answering it. We've all made bad choices for the sake of love; but unless you're the one mistreating another person, you're blameless. You just didn't listen to your inner-voice coaxing you to move on. You did try, but something unexpected came-up! You put issues aside.
I will admit, I would have come to the rescue; if someone I knew was injured or suffering, even if we had broken-up.
With some exceptions. Not if we parted due to abuse, or a toxic situation. I meant had we parted without serious conflict.
I have been taught all my life to be a forgiving person; so other people sometimes don't understand how I can "forgive my enemies." You were worried he would die, and his medical situation had that probability. You would have faced much guilt had you not given-in to your compassion. Don't fault yourself for that.
Now he's fine; but you're not. You owe yourself even more compassion; because he's wasting your precious time, while breaking your heart. You would otherwise be doing fine, and getting over him. God will bless you for your selflessness; but He'll hold your responsible for making wiser choices, and caring for yourself. Sometimes we put others before us; and there are times we shouldn't. Jesus was born to be a martyr; it was part of God's plan. Those are causes beyond our comprehension; it's not expected of us to throw our lives away, unless something hugely great comes of it.
Go no contact! Your self-esteem is in no way compromised for his neglectful and selfish ways. What you're feeling is normal grief and remorse following loss and/or coming to a grim conclusion after a bad-situation. You'll heal.
You deserve better, and writing your post means you know that in your heart.
Be good to yourself. No one determines your value or your worthiness under the rank of God. The rest of us are fellow-human-beings struggling to get by, searching for love, and making mistakes; that we hope to survive. Counseling is good, but reach deep inside to find your inner-strength for healing. It is there for a reason. Especially, for times like these when the world around us is treating us poorly; so we can bounce-back, recover, and press on. We believers of holy-faith call that strength the Holy Spirit. I don't know what nonbelievers would call it, but its there in all of us. A built-in mechanism necessary for healing and survival.
God bless you and give you peace, my dear!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (27 February 2019):
 I wish you all the best, OP
And remember this isn't about YOU not being enough or giving enough. It's HIM that wants to NOT be tied to anyone but he STILL wants someone to fuss over him (like a wife, GF or partner would). He is a "taker" not a "giver" or "sharer". That isn't on you.
YOU deserve better. If I were you I'd look into some meetup groups in your area for you age group. Get out of the house and socialize with people.
If you want a VACATION, find some people and go as a group. Don't wait for a man to take you ANYWHERE.
Live life and enjoy it.
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A
female
reader, Without Me +, writes (27 February 2019):
Is the problem you?
No, not at all. You are not defective. Send him back wherever he came from...he is defective and broken.
The problem is what you are allowing. You are allowing this man...(and I'll use that loosely because he is acting like a child) treat you like garbage. He is no man to mistreat you this way.
It comes through loud and clear that you are a lovely, caring woman. I know you are very sensitive. I wish I could give you a hug...It sounds like you are very lonely...so lonely that you are willing to accept so little from this person...in fact, almost nothing. Dont do it ANYMORE.
Christmas, Valentines Day and your birthday have passed and this loser put out almost zero effort. Every day that passes is one too many to waste on him. DONT spend another special day alone hoping he will call, or treat you as you should be treated.
It seems like you believe that his actions=you are not worthy as a person. That is so untrue. STOP believing that about yourself this minute !!! I insist !!! Smile. Provide me with your address..I will send a card & call. That sounds facetious, but I am serious. I feel angry. I know you have a lot of time invested..but you must quit this man NOW.I know that is easier said than done.
It appears that even with age he is still immature. Life is one big pity party for him...and we are all supposed to feel sorry and join in. I dont feel sorry for him AT all.His actions reflect that he is definitely
undeserving of your love.
When I went back and reread what you wrote, I pictured him at the seaside with his fish and chips. I feel so sad for him that he was sick after eating...NOT. He should feel sick about the way he treats you. I suspect he has been doing this for most or all of his miserable, pitiful life..and believe me that is what it is. Some people come into a room and bring life. He sucks the life out wherever he goes. Stop allowing him to take you down with him!!!
How can he sit there ALONE knowing you are home? EXACTLY...how can he sit there alone when there is a beautiful, caring woman who cares? STOP waiting and stop sitting alone.
I see you arent in the US..but I cant see the flag..I thought you may be in Great Britain. I wish I were able to go with you by the seaside on a beautiful day, enjoy your company, but we can eat something less greasy..maybe ice cream. SMILE.
Stop hanging onto his every word & movement for dear life, like he is someone special. No..YOU are the special one. He enjoys playing games and pushing you away so you will be concerned for him. What a waste of your time.
Ok, lets rewrite this story. There is ANOTHER man waiting for you by the sea...he is alone..lonely...
waiting for you. He will treat you right. He will take you out, give you gifts, take you to family outings. He will be your friend WITH benefits and much, much more. But, you cant meet him as long as you are sitting ALONE.
Dont torture your mind another moment. Get dressed up, YOU go out and treat YOURSELF to breakfast, lunch or dinner and a movie. Then, buy yourself a birthday gift.Actually,go buy yourself something special for Valentines Day too. And, before that, change your number.
Hope that helps...now Ill be quiet & go take my own advice..lol.
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A
female
reader, MSA +, writes (26 February 2019):
 I don't think he is interested in building a romantic relationship with you. You are to him a casual friend who he contacts once in a while.
If you are looking for more, then I suggest you look elsewhere.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2019): I am the OP and I would like to thank you for your answers. As I was writing my problem down I realised how stupid I sounded thinking that he cared about me. He has never promised me anything and told me at the start that he doesn't believe in 'labels' (he was married for 28 years until his wife left him). Many times I have broken up with him as I realised that we want different things but he always gets back in touch with me and the whole merry-go-round thing starts again. After the five months of no contact I was starting to feel that I was getting over him and feeling positive but when he contacted me saying he was ill (he'd had a head injury which caused a bleed on the brain so it was quite serious) I was so terribly worried that he would die or be left brain damaged that I rushed to the hospital to see him. I had to go. Then when he came home I was continually texting him to check his progress and offering to help. All I could think of was that he could have died, it didn't seem important that he had treated me badly, all that mattered was that he was ill and had contacted me. I wish I had been strong enough to have stayed away and let someone else worry about him. My friend says that she is cross with him and could give him a good slap (as if he's been a naughty boy). I am finally seeing that I need to break ties with him and go no contact for my own sake. Maybe I will meet someone who wants to be in a proper relationship with me or maybe I will be alone but it has got to be better than being in this no mans land of not knowing what I am or where I stand. I should add maybe that my childhood was very dysfunctional and I have low self esteem so that I put up with a lot of bad behaviour because I feel worthless. I am having counselling for this and hopefully things will improve. Thank you for reading.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2019): Either you find a thoughtful affectionate guy who remembers birthdays and likes to take you out on dates; or you forever put-up with one who calls you when he needs you, and has little else to do with you.
He's like an old pair of worn tennis shoes you can't toss; because they're broken-in, and you're used to having them around. They've lived passed their usefulness.
You're basically single, with a male-caller who stops-by on occasion. What you described of him doesn't fit the definition of a boyfriend. Not even a good friend.
Nagging and arguing seldom changes the bad-habits and uselessness of the wrong person selected as a romantic-partner. There is always the option to end it. If fear of loneliness is stronger than common-sense; then I guess you're stuck with him. That is, when he happens to make his way to your neck of the woods. He seems like a cheap, selfish old coot.
If you get the same bad-treatment over and over, how long before enough is enough?
You're obviously here to vent your feelings. Little good that will do him, or your relationship. What kind of advice do you expect; but either to dump him, or to tell him what you feel? If you tell him how you feel, he'll be good for a spell; and then back to things as usual. He likes you for company when he needs it; but doesn't always want to be with you. He's a confirmed-bachelor, and you're a lady-in-waiting.
Truth is, he has already dumped you; but keeps you around for emergencies. He's counting on your neediness to keep you clinging-on for dear-life. Otherwise, out of sight...out of mind!
Complaining doesn't fix anything. You'll have to finally make up your mind that it's not working; and you'll hardly notice the difference when he's gone. You're already lonely, feeling neglected, and frustrated that he doesn't seem to care.
Kick him to the curb, and you'll feel less stressed. You'll manage just fine on your own, until someone else comes along. You are already alone, in-case you haven't noticed.
He's too old to change. You'll see even less of him, if you complain about it. He'll promise to do better, but won't!
No one here knows him, we can't offer you any magic spells or potions that turn bad-boyfriends into good ones. You have to decide when you've suffered enough from holding-on to someone who shows no concern for you. He does nothing for you, but show-up now and then for his own selfish reasons.
You can do bad all by yourself, if you ask me! What's he good for?
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (26 February 2019):
 It seems it’s pretty clear to an outsider that he’s not really interested. It doesn’t sound like he puts in any effort at all, YOU do all the chasing and checking up and he replies when he needs to.
You class yourself as a GF yet state you went a 5 month period without speaking. I can’t say I’ve ever heard of a relationship like that.
Honestly it sounds like you’re wasting your time. 5 years and he doesn’t even get your a birthday card or wish you well? Doesn’t even sound like a friend let alone a BF.
Give it up and move on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2019): Looks can deceiving. I was in a 5 year relationship which I gave all of me, I totally trusted him till things came to light.
When it was finally over which was 3 months ago, nosy people asked why am I not with him to those which I have explained, (which I bitterly regret explaining, as it was totally none of their business and their nasty comments have made me feel worse than the breakup). T
These people tell me that the problem must be me (some of these people with their nasty comments have only met him in passing in the street just to say hello to him, never dated him nor socialised with him, yet they are judgemental based on his looks, and yes he is very handsome and women were ogling him even though he was 62 years old and 10 years older than me).
Some have told me that I am lying as he was such gentleman and polite and so well dressed. as I said they never socialised with him.
As I said these people do not even know him yet they tell me that I am the problem.
However, to be honest I think I should have told them sorry I do not wish to discuss it, it would prevented them from making nasty comments and hurting me even more, and quite frankly it is never other people business what went on between he and I.
In your situation, he is lying to you. I would have preferred it if he had said to you that you are just a friend, and sometimes he likes going out on own, it is better than lies.
It is up to you how you want to carry on with him. It seems to me that you have feelings for him but it is not reciprocated.
Ignore other people's comments about you and your relationship/friendship. Only you know the truth and your sister saw him in the seaside. so he is liar, you do not need to justify nor explain yourself to anyone. the problem is him not you.
Some Men are cowards, they lie and hurt people and do not care who they hurt on the way. He is stringing along.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 February 2019):
OP, you are seen as someone he can rely on to FUSS over him. All he had to do was call you and tell you he was sick and ALL the crap stuff he did in the past was "forgotten". He got you a Valentine's card... Oh my, a whole 50p? and then magically he got sick AGAIN so he couldn't take you out for that promised dinner. But he was WELL enough to go for a walk at the seaside.....
OP, I'm sorry. You are HOPING that he cares for you romantically, HE doesn't. ONE little card means little especially after 5 years.
He might BE a nice man, but your expectation of WHAT you two HAVE and what he ACTUALLY wants to have with you. You are a companion who ISN'T really part of his life. He rarely wants to sleep with you, so intimacy with you is not something he seems to really want either. You aren't invited to anything family wise. You feel it's a relationship, HE sees it as companionship, but ONLY when it's convenient for HIM.
I'd wish him well and let him go. I mean WHAT do you get out of this "relationship"? He doesn't even want to take you for a walk to the seaside! Let alone vacations or anything else. All he wants is for you to fuss over him and (let me guess) cook food and "mother" him?
I don't think YOU are the "problem" - I think the problem is that you two haven't DEFINED what you are to each other. That you think it's one thing, and he another.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2019): It's clear as day. he doesn't want to spend his time with you. He just isn't brave enough to tell you to your face. He is hoping that enough time passes that he'll just fade from your life.
You are wasting precious time on this guy. You should be enjoying your later years with people who want your company and enjoy you.
Let him go.
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