A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:hi,I need some help my father in law died 2 weeks ago and as you may tell my wife is not too good at the moment. Well at first she wouldn't talk to me or anything or even hug me because she was frigthened that she would start crying and not be able to stop. She did eventually get better but still she held it all back. The funeral was last week and she decided she wanted to get back to normal plus she's a teacher so she can't have a lot of time off. She seemed ok a first but just recently its been building up again and on the odd ocassion i have sort of caught her just getting up and making an excuse to go in another room and shes sort of trying extremely hard to hold it back. Like last night she just suddenly got up and said do you want a drink and just quickly went in the kitchen and when she bent down to get something out of the dishwasher she sort of stniffed but and wiped her eyes but she wasn't actually crying properly and she didn't see me. Shes just on the go all the time now tyring to take her mind off it and i just want her to sit down and relax. just be normal, just sit down watch tv and be calm. If she needs to cry to cry and not to sleep virtually on the edge of the bed because shes afraid if she cuddles me she'll start crying which also isn't helping the fact that she said she felt so lonely last week. I want her to be normal and i know this may sound awful but i actually want to make her cry just so that she can let it out and i can have the woman i love back and comfortable. I really want to do something to stop her doing these things, i don't mean to stop her crying if anything i would rather she cry everyday than do this! Please can someone help me its becoming unbearable! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (13 January 2008):
 Hi,
I'm so sorry for your wife's and your loss.
I lost my Dad on September 27th last year. It's been only 3 and a half months for me. The fact is, there isn't any set pattern for grief. There may be a lot of stages to go through, but everyone deals with these things on their own schedule, and there is no right way, and no way to speed things up or make it easier for her.
Right now, your wife is in shock. I can guarantee you, it hasn't even sunk in yet, and that's why she isn't crying very much. It's not that she isn't actually dealing with it, she's just going through the motions, and that's okay. This is going to hit in stages. Shock. Disbelief. Denial. Anger. And finally, Acceptance. It's been about 3 and a half months, I'm alright -
AND - then - yet - I'm not.
Still.
It's not easy as the spouse. I helped care for my husband's parents and then watched him grieve. But I have to say, even still, I wasn't quite prepared to lose my own parents even after going through it with him. You didn't mention if you still have your parents or not.
One thing that is very common - every new passage, the first birthday alone, his first birthday after his passing, your first Christmas, well, you know what I mean, every new passage reminds us of our loss all over again. It's simply another reminder of what we have lost.
If she is bent over the dishwasher, bury her face in your shoulder and hold her tight. Any time that she starts to look despondent, just hold her hand or look into her eyes. Bring her dinner. Let her cry into your shirt, let her yell or rant or go off on tangents right now. If you know anything that she loves to do that would be therapeutic - indulge her and offer to go with her. Even if she cries in the movies right now, hey, that's okay. It's a diversion, but eventually, she'll be able to get through an event without crying! It will get better with time.
I know that you want her to be normal. You're not horrible for wishing that. But you will have to accept her in her grief, trying to reach for a new type of "normal" for her. People often feel "orphaned" when they lose a parent.
It's a last bastion of childhood, isn't it? Losing a parent makes you an "adult - Without a Daddy to run to when things get tough. That's a big paradigm shift, even at 52, and your wife's going through this a quite a young age.
Just be there for her, it's all you can do. Time heals all wounds. We'd all like it to hurry up, God knows I would, but Have Faith, she'll get through this.
You are a good husband. Take care and God Bless.
A
male
reader, Namatjira +, writes (12 January 2008):
Hi,
This is an incredibly traumatic time for both of you. The death of someone close is not something that can be got over in weeks or months even and sometimes never. What happens is we cope and our ability to cope improves.
I am a poet and have written poems about grief which some of my readers and friends have said helps them. Perhaps if you like you could private email me and I will send you a copy.
All you can do at the end of the day is be there. Just be constant, reliable, and her best friend. Give her space sometimes and just a passing touch other times. Leave a note to her in her handbag. Bring a single rose home to her every night for a week. If the house is quiet put on her favourite CD, or at least one you can have playing softly. Be creative in the ways you show her you love her. It is much better than saying it when clearly she has difficulty talking about strong emotions. Remember that grief is love tinged with sadness so to her talking about love is to close to being reminded of her grief.
Just be there. It will get better with time but do not make the mistake of setting a time limit. It will take as long as it takes. Your constancy will help shorten the time from what it would otherwise have been.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2008): You're on the right track. Encourage her to let it all out even if it means mopping up with the biggest bath towel you've got. The more she holds back her emotions, the worse she'll get.
Tell her you love her more than anything else on earth and if she feels like crying that can only be a good thing.
I've been in your situation, so I know what you're going through, and I know what she's going through too. Time is a great healer, and eventually she'll get back to normal, but it's going to take a lot of time.
Just be there for her, and if she feels like crying, give her the shoulder to do it on. I know it's very upsetting, but eventually she'll start to remember all the good times she had with her father and start to smile again when she remembers them.
Don't expect her recovery to happen overnight, because it could take a couple of years. Encourage her to think of all the good times they had and that might help. Get her to talk to you about those good times, to tell you all about them and what happened then, and she'll start to smile every time she thinks about her father rather than bursting into tears.
Like I said, time is a great healer, and it'll happen sooner or later, but don't expect any positive results for quite some time.
Phil
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A
male
reader, core_confusion +, writes (12 January 2008):
 This really strikes a chord with me. A few years ago, my Mum died. I was 20 at the time and thought I was damn nearly invincible. I was also doing a degree at the time and decided to force myself to carry on for the sake of finishing my course rather than deffering for a year. It was the worst mistake that I could have made. It came back to me about 6 months later when I had what I guess would have been termed a small breakdown. The person who got me though it was my girlfriend at the time. I'm sure she could see it coming long before it happened but she gave me the space to do what I wanted.
I honnestly dont think that she could have done anything differently, I think I would have pushed her away if she had tried. All you can do is be there and give support without question or condition. I dont mean this in a nasy way but what you've written here - shouldn't you be saying this to your wife? Communication is nearly always the answer. I'm guessing your wife probably isnt in the mood for talking too much. That doesnt automatically mean that she isnt in the mood for listnening. I know that whilst I would never talk about it, tings that people said did go in, even if I refuted them at the time.
You really have my sympathy on this. Just dont give up. Give as much space as is needed but never be too far away. Easier said than done, I know.
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