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age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Ok, I'm 19, my BF is 22 and he doesn't trust me at all!In my past, I've kissed 4 other guys and gave oral sex to one of them, who happens to be the ex mutual friend who introduced my BF and me. The other 3 guys were guys I had just met at parties, and 2 of them I hooked up with while being drunk and out with my friends, a few months before starting my current relationship.I had lied to my BF about the mutual friend, and I realize it was a mistake, that broke his trust. But he kinda knew vaguely about my drunk hook ups from BEFORE dating. It's just that now, he keeps asking for more and more details (what their names were, what do they do, their age, where did they place their hands, how long were we together, etc...).Once, I gave him my email password, so he'd see that I had no contact with any of my "exes". Instead he found an email I had sent to a girl friend who moved to another city... it was to catch up on things, to keep contact. But I mentioned to her how "annoying his nagging was". Now, he doesn't trust me when I hang out with my friends because he says "all you do with them is go after guys, get drunk, and talk sh*t about me!". Not true at all... I don't talk bad stuff about him anymore, and I certainly DON'T GET DRUNK AND GO AFTER GUYS!!! The other day I did go out with my friends, there were guys and I got a bit tipsy, but come on I love him and I'm commited to him so I wouldn't be unfaithful!He says with my past, however, it's hard to trust me, that people don't change, etc. I understand he's mad about the lying, and to some extent about the email I sent to my friend. But he can't get mad at me every time I hang out with my girls! Especially since we don't go to bars at night, we usually hang in the afternoons in our houses or at the mall. I rarely go out at night. He goes out with his friends more often, but when I mention that he says "Oh, but I've never been promiscuous like you!".He lays guilt trips on me all the time, so he can always be right. He goes like "Is that something a decent girl does? If I had done the same in my past, would you trust me? Do you think it's normal for a girl to get drunk and hook up with a stranger? Are you proud of it?"...How can I make him understand I'm not single anymore, so I won't cheat on him because I LOVE HIM??? It just doesn't seem to sink in!
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female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (13 January 2008):
 If you love a person , you love him/her warts and all. Some people can even love hookers and marry them.
Why do you love someone who thinks so lowly of you and cannot forgive your past? Are all the men dead?
Don't cast your pearls before swines for they don't know the value of those pearls.
Love someone who can appreciate and value you .
A
female
reader, always.you  +, writes (13 January 2008):
 tell him to put it in your point of view i was just in the same spot you were in not to long ago you need to tell him that if he did something like that he would want you to forgive and forget and he would want a second chance.
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A
female
reader, Dawnie  +, writes (12 January 2008):
 These past relationships you had were before your b/f so i don't understand his problem. He sounds very insecure and that does not bode well for your future with him. He needs to sort himself out and quick because it will get worse not better. I had sexual relationships before i met my husband and vice versa, it never bothered either one of us.
All we cared about was us and our future together. One thing i will say, an ex boyfriend of mine was possesive and things got a lot worse when he then became violent, he got jealous, called me horrible names, he made me feel worthless,i got out of that awful relationship, just be careful. If he is making you unhappy and causing these issues now you are better getting out of it. Not all guys are paranoid and jealous.
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A
male
reader, Namatjira +, writes (12 January 2008):
Hi,
You are in a difficult position and one which has no easy answer or magic cure. He is clearly jealous and seems to be controlling which is not a good combination. Given his age I would guess that his emotional maturity is not fully developed yet. The hard part is figuring out what to do that is best for you both, which is clearly not letting things continue exactly as they are now.
Sometimes things in the past before a relationship started are not relevant at all. What I said to my girlfriend is that anything intimate that happened to me with prior relationships are in the past, that I regard the same as true for her. I told her that I will answer specific questions honestly but I would prefer if she respected that it is in the past and has no bearing on hers and my relationship now. Mind you, neither she nor I are jealous people so I guess it is a lot easier.
I have a book on my shelf that I bought at the time I was going through a bad divorce from my ex. It helped me a great deal and if you can get a copy it may help you as well. The author offers advice on how to fix relationships not destroy them, but sometimes a relationship cannot be fixed and being able to tell the difference is the hardest thing.
The book is called "Emotional Blackmail - When people in your life use fear, obligation, and guilt to manipulate you" and it is by Dr Susan Forward. The ISBN is 0060928972 and I got mine through Amazon though I have seen it in a couple of book shops as well.
I wish you every success in sorting this out. If I can help more specifically then please feel welcome to send a private message.
All the best
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