A
male
age
51-59,
*tw72a
writes:Hi allIve been with my partner for four years now- its been a distance relationship..seeing each other weekends onlyand it has not always an easy thing. But we have had amazing times.Neither of us were willing to give up good jobs that we had been in for 20+ years each, so things carried on as they were for years. We looked at the idea of me commuting and living at hers (it would be about 3.5 hours each way)And we looked at moving half way, the problem there was that while i could of used public transport, she would have had to drive and the petrol would have been 450 a month- on top of my 400 a month travel we would not have managed. So the only remotely possible solution was moving to near her place of work and me doing the commute (this would have been about two hours each way)I got my hours changed slightly so that it was possible (but still a 5.30 start and a 7pm home time) but when i told her the news, she suddenly said she thinks her feelings may have changed and she definitely still loved me but wasnt sure if she was still in love with me she said that she thought it was the strain of not seeing each other much.Anyway we met, and she instantly changed her mind, we had the most loving weekend imaginable, and 3 more weekends just like that.. it was like turning back the clock 3 years.But she made it clear, there wasnt time to consider other options such as me changing jobs, she couldnt handle weekends anymore and i either commuted (2 hours each way) or we walk away from each other.Because she had recently dumped me, while i was willing to do the journey i still had doubts about her feelings for me.. so i said that at this time i am not willing to do it..that asking me to do that commute a few weeks after dumping me was too much to ask.. and i ended itIt didnt get nasty, we told each other that we loved each other, and would treasure our memories together. We agreed that we needed time without contact to heal, but that we didnt want to lose our best friends for ever.So, this is in theory the best possible end..right? But have i made a terrible mistake?. I thought a long time about my decision and it seemed the only thing to do given i was presented with effectively an ultimatum. But i cant stop wondering 'what if' And today, the first day being single- i cant even hold it together at work, i feel physically sick and am constantly breaking down.Finally how do you get over relationships where you still love that person and she still loves you? It seems harder than those that end in anger.Thanks
View related questions:
at work, best friend Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (18 October 2012):
 Hi
Her career is more important than you, to her which is her choice.
I completely understand your doubt as she did end it,but in reality this 'distance' should have been bridged 2 years ago by one or both of you, if you were so in love.You might have had children by now and be settled together.
She probably wants to move on and find somebody local as time is ticking by..I hope you can do the same.
A
female
reader, Foot-In-My-Mouth  +, writes (18 October 2012):
 Things are different in developed countries, I suppose. In my country, a two hour commute each way isn't really a big deal, to be honest. I do it myself. Many people commute 3-4 hours each way when they come into the city to work and return to their suburbs or villages after work. The point is how badly you want to be together. My boyfriend lives in London. Halfway across the globe from me. Since he's much older than I am and I have a longer period of service ahead of me, he's retiring early and moving all the way to my country, because we really, really want to be together.Our case seemed hopeless...different races, age difference, he's twice divorced and I'm unmarried...difference of continents...but we've made it. If you feel you're going to regret your decision, write to her, offering to do the commute or take a new job, and ask her, for one last time, whether she's willing to make it work...and whether she loves you enough to try once more. Don't live with a regret in your heart all your life. Don't ask yourself all your life....what if?
...............................
A
female
reader, BondGirl72  +, writes (18 October 2012):
 As far as getting through each day...it is a process. Take things slowly and adjust to life without her. Try to distract yourself by finding a new hobby, doing things with family or friends, or attending different events. When I was going through a terrible break-up, I also read self-help books...which seemed to help somewhat. There is no magic behind getting through each day but to distract yourself from the memories and pain.
...............................
A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (18 October 2012):
I agree with all the aunts and uncles here and feel you have received some very good advice. All I was saying is what Cindy was saying. If you really wanted to be together, you would be making plans, or would have been making plans to do that a long time ago. Four years IS a long time...just to be together...not to mention being in an LDR. Something is holding you both back.
But, with that said, who am I to judge? Different couples have different circumstances. I just think that if this was a priority for either of you...one of you would have offered that move before.
My advice two years ago would have been...if you love her, tell her, and tell her you will do what it takes to find a job in her area and move to be with her. But now, she has grown tired of the LDR and wants a decision to be made. If you don't know after 4 years, and you have doubts, then you do not want to be with her badly enough to give up what you've worked for and already have. There is nothing wrong with that, but you have to decide what you can live with.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (17 October 2012):
 Let me tell you my two LDR stories.
Mine first.. met a man we lived about 100 miles apart… once we got serious I would drive up after work for the weekend…sometimes taking all of Friday or half a day… On Monday mornings I would get up and commute from ONE large metropolitan area to another… it sometimes took me three hours on a Monday morning… it was untenable even once a week…
He had a job where he telecommuted 4 out of 5 days so he moved down to be with me finally. Then they wanted him in the office two days a week so he was doing that lousy commute… till they found out he had moved and they fired him… it took him 6 months to find a job.
TWO hours ONE WAY is a long commute and lousy… and I would not encourage or recommend it.
WE have friends who are the same distance… they have been LDR for two years… they got married in September and continue to be LDR and will be for three more years… HE offered to retire early for her… (he’s 52) and she said no way… it’s only 3 years and they see each other every weekend…
I think quite honestly that the whole “turning back the clock thing” is the key here… you two have had the shadows of a relationship for FOUR YEARS I couldn’t bear to be apart from my now husband that long… we lasted almost a year apart except for 3 nights a week… now we can’t even stand to be in separate rooms (I’ve offered to sleep in our guest room on days I have to get up extra early or I’m snoring but he said NO)….
IF she has moved on so quickly there is no hope…
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (17 October 2012):
 Sure it makes sense- and it sounds like a good plan to me. If you are willing to immediately start looking for a job in her area, and taking it even if it's a downgrading for you.. frankly I don't see what she could object about that.
I also agree that, in these current times, it makes more sense waiting to secure yourself a new job before quitting the old one. Taking chances for love, OK, being economically suicidal...not so OK.
Finally yes, if you broke up yesterday aftre 4 years,and in few days she has already moved on... then yeah, it's not about location, or cohabitation,... is that she wanted out anyway and needed an official reason.
...............................
A
male
reader, ptw72a +, writes (17 October 2012):
ptw72a is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnyway i am going to leave it a few days to give her space
then i am going to offer to find work there, or if it means i keep her then ill commute while i look for other work.
I am very reluctant to break my 'no contact' promise though as i dont want to jepoardise future possible friendship?
If she has already moved on within a week--- then ill know it was simply not meant to be..and that my nagging doubts about her feelings towards me were right
I do understand what your saying about quality of life..
she isnt selfish btw, just fustrated and at her limits with regards to the situation
Thanks for all the feedback, i appreciate it.
...............................
A
male
reader, ptw72a +, writes (17 October 2012):
ptw72a is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey Cindy
Thanks for all the responses i appreciate it and it does help a lot to have a neutral opinion.
To clarify, i would be prepared to look for a job near her right away, even if it is packing or something - that way i could look for something better (i am an IT manager).
What i meant when i said about turning back the clock was.. that i should have had the courage to do that before it was too late.
But no i would not walk out of a job without one to go to.
Hope that makes sense.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (17 October 2012):
Sorry I am a bit confused about something.
You say that you hinted that now you'd be willing to take a bad job to get you living together asap - and you also say that you would not become unemployed voluntarily.
I don't understand well, which is which ?
Would you be willing to quit your job and live with her now while you look for another job, even " bad " ( which I guess means paid less ) ?
Or you would never do that ?..
If it is the first, well, problem solved then ! Why would not she be OK with that ?
If it is the second, and you just mean that IF you could go back in time you'd do it all different, yes, I guess a practical mentality can't help answering : " Yes, and if my grandfather had wheels he'd be a wheelbarrow " :)
Life is now, what counts is what you are going to do today, and from today on.
It is what it is, and if, after 4 years of brainstorming, between the two of you , you could not come up with any acceptable soluton.. ( forget the daily two hours commute!, do you want to die of stress induced heart attack at age 50 , or 45 ? ) then it was just not meant to be .
I know that this must be very meager comfort, so I want to give you some more food for thought to chew on...
You are very chivalrous toward your ex , you can't find faults in her, and that's a wonderful thing and I wish more guys were like you but... maybe she is not Miss Perfect.
She is selfish. And demanding.
As I said before, I doubt I could ever be so loving to face a 4 hours daily commute for my object of love ; but, I KNOW I would be loving enough to never want him to subject himself to this type of ballbreaking wear- and - tear , just so I can share a double bed at night, or say to my friends that I live with my bf.. What kind of a life together would be, what depth or intimacy would add to your days. Probably zilch, you'd be weekend lovers anyway. You'd exchange perfunctory chitchat at dinnertime, after which you'd fall exhausted in bed and sleep. All your coupledom, your time together would be lived on weekends anyway - only, you's pay a high price
for the privilege of nominally living together.
Being a weekend lover is far from a terrible thing, if you take it with the right spirit, in fact it can be exciting and romantic , and I know because I've done it too and for quite a while. Of course it cannot be a forever lifestyle, but I think that, If you are not against starting seeking employement , maybe even a "bad " job as you say, in the place where she lives, she could have waited a few more months or one year or anyway the time it takes you to get yourself sorted .
...............................
A
male
reader, ptw72a +, writes (17 October 2012):
ptw72a is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Cindy- What you said about a 2 hour commute being too much for anyone is pretty much what everyone has said..but i think i should have done it, even if only for a month or two while looking for work.If i had my time again i WOULD leave my job a year or two into the relationship, and i told her that and hinted i would be willing to take a bad job now to get us living together asap (i wouldnt become unemployed voluntarily).She basically told me that living in the past isnt helpful, that while she still wants to live with me- she couldnt take anymore 'weekend only' stuff and was at the end of how long she could wait.And i totally understand why her patience was at an end, we have looked at so many options over the years that havent worked out.She is a practical person, unlike myself who is ruled by emotion, and i know she will get over this quickly and move on..Which is good- at the end of the day i could wish pain or suffering upon her. Yet the knowledge that she will move on easily, while i am in bits..makes it feel worse? Is that a natural reaction?. I dont understand my feelings there as- well i would never want to hurt her.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (17 October 2012):
No, I don't think it was a mistake. A two hours commute is an unbelievable sacrifice ( heck, I would not do that to feed my starving babies, if I had starving babies ! ) and she can't ask you to do this kind of sacrifice , or you volunteer to do it, unless you BOTH are more than certain about your feelings. The whole " I love you but I am not in love with you " see-saw can't have any place in this kind of scenario.
Then again, one can wonder what exactly each one of you meant about " love" or "being in love". It means different things to different people, ( and as I just wrote, personally MY love would not withstand a two hours daily commute ) then again is far from unheard of ,that people can totally upturn and uproot their lives because of love. It's not unusual for people to have to change continents, not just jobs, or alienate all their family and friends, to be with the one they love.
Often true love require guts, and being blind to one's own convenience.
If in 4 years neither of you could accept the idea of leaving their secure jobs to make a less secure , less comfortable living out of something else... it must mean something. I ,for one, don't blame you at all !, security is important , particularly when you are not 20 any more.
Then again, when people really wants something badly, they find a way. So, ...maybe ,deep down, either one or both did not want it badly enough.- it was maybe more of a nice, comforting groove you had fallen in. The IDEA of having someone, more than actually being with that someone.
Which, in time, should make it easier coming to terms with the break up. Now the split is recent, and what you feel is also loss of emotional and sexual security, fear of loneliness, loss of habits, insecurity about your romantic future. You are working without a net , now - and this counts as much as any true feelings of love that you may feel ( and that I don't doubt you feel ). Or even more. But, if you have no regrets ( you shouldn't, you did try and it did not work ) and you consciously decide to move on,... I think you'll find it easier than you expected.
...............................
A
male
reader, ptw72a +, writes (17 October 2012):
ptw72a is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks allI think some of the stuff is unfair to my partner to be honest (sorry, ex partner). I knew she was struggling with distance for a long long time.As for one last heart to heart, i doubt she would want that, i agreed to do no contact for a month, and i would be breaking that promise if i contacted her now.I think my decision was more about doubts regarding her feelings towards me than fear of a long commute (although the thought of a 13 hour day was not a nice one). I just couldnt get my head around her suddenly questioning whether she was in love with me- when i had no idea it was coming.To be fair, since then we have been wonderful together, but ive always had that nagging feeling.Right now, i think it was a mistake to say i wouldnt do it.. But done is done- ive burnt my bridges now, any tips on how to get through each day though would be very much appreciated.All the advice sites say to remember the bad things in the relationship...but there arent any bad things really.
...............................
A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (17 October 2012):
If you really wanted to be in one anothers lives...you would find a way. It seems like you both still want your own lives (not wanting to give up jobs, etc) and that should be a good indication that neither of you are ready for moving in, or closer, or giving anything up.
Personally, I think you made the correct decision. It sounds like she likes her life the way it is, and simply liked having you as a companion. I am sure you do love each other, but sometimes love isn't enough for people.
The distance probably did *create distance*...emotional. You can be in the same room with someone and there can be distance, but when there is actual physical distance...it can take a toll. It kind of becomes an out-of-mind, out-of-sight thing, and some people grow apart emotionally.
I know it hurts and it will take some time to get over, but I still think you did the right thing. You do not want to make all those arrangements only to have her change her mind again.
...............................
A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (17 October 2012):
Hi
Its a hard situation to be in.
Long distance relationships have to be about compramise on BOTH sides.One or both of you could have looked for another job,still can,to cut out the commute.A jobs' merely a means to an end, a person you love is not.You have to take a leap of faith,BOTH of you, to make it last.
I honestly think its worth one last heart to heart,if you feel she will compramise with you.How did you picture the relationship moving, you must have both thought and discussed it?
If it has reached an end and there is no middle ground then all I can say is, it will get easier as time goes on,you might not believe it now,but it will.Good luck.
...............................
A
male
reader, ptw72a +, writes (17 October 2012):
ptw72a is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks blonde30s.To be honest i dont think she would go back to the original plan now even if i asked. And i agreed to no contact for a bit and i would be breaking that promise if i mailed suggesting more talk.We talked about it a lot lately, and i made a decision last night- i ended it more because i was unsure of her feelings i think than the fear of a long journey Although a 13 hour day was not something i was looking forward to. Arguments i could deal with, but having her question whether she loved me enough to want me destroyed me and i couldn't understand how i hadnt seen it coming.To be fair to her she has tried to reassure me in the few weeks following.As for only me giving things up- yes it was a one way arrangement- but i know she has struggled for a long time with having a part time boyfriend.So i totally understand why she said do this commute or walk away.I just dont know if ive made the worst mistake ever- and dont know how im going to get through each dayThanks
...............................
|
