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age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I have been with my boyfriend for about a year now. When we first got to know each other we spoke about our past a little and he wanted to see what kind of person I was. I knew where he stood with his past and he has only had sexual relations with those he has been in a relationship with and one night stands have held no appeal to him. He said he cannot understand the nature of some people and the fact that they can sleep with strangers. For him he has always had to at least like the person before considering sleeping with them, and all those he has been with he developed a relationship with. For this I totally agree and said to him I also have only slept with those I been in a relationship with. For the most part this is true, however I did exclude any indiscretions as I was ashamed of this. From that time to this I have held to what I have told him as I did not want him to think bad of me, also I did not want to add onto what I told him as then he would think I had been lying to him or witholding information when I had the opportunity to tell him.Well, over the last few months there have been times when he has questioned what I have told him about my past as he cant believe how good I have been. In previous relationships he has been lied to or told things to please him and to keep him happy and he did not want that to happen in this relationship. But I feel it has happened and I feel terrible, I do not know what to do. I stand by the fact overall I have always had good intentions, however when I was younger, the truth is I did have a few 'indiscretions' which I know in itself most people do. Its not those indiscretions I feel guilty for, but I feel more guilty for the fact I have become exactly like his exes and told him what he wanted to hear, I did it without realizing at the time and now I cannot get out of it. He wants to believe what I have told him and I think he does, but just sometimes he will have a bad day and really feel insecure and doubt me. He does have trust issues and this is certainly not helping me know this. I need your advice as to whether I should say anything now or leave it and leave things in the past where they should remain. I know nothing has a chance to come out via friends etc as I kept a lot to myself nor will I 'bump' into anyone etc. If I say anything now it would destroy him,and ultimately us and the potential future we may have. We love each other so much, I am genuine and true to him and loyal (always have been with previous partners). I know I am not perfect, nor is he but I really want this to work.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2012): Mature men can deal with a woman's past, but lying makes it harder.
The problem is not your past, the problem is your present. You are lying to him. He cannot trust you.
He is probably sensing this in your behavior and your body language but doesn't know what it means.
You don't owe someone your story, but if you tell you do owe them the truth.
Do the right thing.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2012): You don't have to tell your history just to be honest. You can always say "I dont want to talk about it" on certain topics. There is a difference between not divulging info about a subject and purposely misleading your partner about it. Not divulging certain information still allows your partner to make a choice based on truth. Lying/misleading them does not.
As to your last comment:
Women could start caring about men's sexual histories any time they want. It is entirely women's choice not to care about it the way men do.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (19 October 2012):
 Anonymous male, you're right that we don't get to tell other people what they can think or how they get to feel about what we do, and neither the OP, nor anyone else here has suggested otherwise, but we absoloutely DO have the right to decide what we tell other people about ourselves.
Your philosophy could apply to every choice the OP has ever made in her life, many of which will have some impact on his life with her should he choose to make one. There is a limit, however to what we're entitled to know about others and whatever imtimacy she has shared elsewhere is certainly one of them. Unless of course she contracted a disease to which he might be exposed or gave birth to a child.
Like I said, were the OP a man, we wouldn't be here discussing this.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2012): We all get to make our own choices in life. But we don't get to tell other people how they should feel about what we do. If we want the power to choose our own sex life then we have to accept the responsibilities that come with that power.
The OP lied about herself on a very important subject for her boyfriend. That effectively means she took away his right to choose his partner. That is wrong.
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (18 October 2012):
'For him he has always had to at least like the person before considering sleeping with them, and all those he has been with he developed a relationship with'
So in fact he has had sex with people he barely knew. It just so happened that a relationship grew out of those encounters. But what if it hadn't? What was his plan? Keep bedding different women until he found 'the one'? And what if some or all of those women discarded him when they were done? Would he judge himself as immoral or dirty for having allowed himself to be used like toilet paper?
'he wanted to see what kind of person I was'. Isn't this a two way process? This sounds more like a job interview than a conversation.
'Trust issues' are a form of narcissism. I'm not talking about someone who was brutalized during a home invasion becoming less trusting of strangers and more vigilant about locking doors behind them. I'm talking about those who have suffered the same pains as the rest of us, yet expect special treatment. The risk of rejection and sting of betrayal is no greater for him than it is for you, or anyone else. So don't make any allowances whatsoever for 'trust issues'.
People who claim to have them actually DO trust their partners a great deal. They trust them to stick around no matter how moody they are or how outlandish their accusations. If he really was afraid he'd be on his very best behaviour at all times so as not to offend and experience that pain again. The more comfortable he gets with you, the greater these issues will be. Treat him with the same courtesy and consideration you want to be shown, but don't let him get that comfy.
OP, if you were a man we wouldn't be here discussing this. No one would have thought twice about it. Your girlfriend would have assumed you had a past, and would have learned to accept it (or at least not burden you with it) and that would be that.
Your past is none of his business. You are not a used car whose mileage and previous owners must be delared at time of purchase. And his previous casual encounters only differ from yours in that a relationship developed AFTERWARD.
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A
male
reader, Htsn47  +, writes (17 October 2012):
 I wouldn't say anything to him.
Try thinking about it like this: telling him would be selfish. You say it will "destroy him", so telling him may lessen your guilt, but at the price of hurting him. He will receive no benefit by your telling him information irrelevant to your present. He just doesn't need to know.
You said you love him, and are loyal to him. Protect him from knowledge he doesn't need to know, and let the past go for the sake of your future.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2012): I hear a lot of excuses but the bottom line is you are doing exactly the same thing his exes did to him.
As for people saying he should not judge: That's a nice socially acceptable way to hold it against a person for wanting to choose someone who is right for them.
Sexual pasts become a deception and moral problem for serious relationships because people are pressured not to deal with it at the beginning of a relationship when they should. In the early days it can be treated as nothing more than a compatibility problem, as it should be.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2012): No no no!!! Do NOT reveal anything to him beyond what you've already said. Men cannot handle the truth of a woman's sexual past.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2012): OP what relevance has any of those details to your current relationship? None, none at all. Personally I'd be more worried that after a year of being with you he still has trust issues, that's an even bigger concern if you ask me. Not only that OP but your past indiscretions have nothing to do with trust issues unless you were a shameless serial cheater.
OP he asked you about your past to judge whether you and he are compatible in terms of how you view relationships and what he found out is that you are, didn't he? What else does he need to know? That you fooled around with a few guys while not in love with them? Give me a break. It's none of his business.
I think he's full of shit if you ask me because personally I "at least liked" every single one night stand I've had. You can "at least like" someone pretty much before you even meet them. I've had 10's of one night stands, I really went on a rampage for a couple of years and I liked them all. Some I liked for looks, others I wasn't enamoured with but clicked so well personality wise that one thing led to another and that was that. It sounds to me like your guy has had his own indiscretions but somehow he's above the level of sleeping with strangers. Well guess what OP I've never slept with a stranger either, even if I only met them that night I spend time talking to and getting to know the person.
If you ask me this guy has jealousy issues not trust issues. If you've never given him any reason to doubt your ability to be trusted over the course of an entire year being with him then he's just being an ass. I mean come on OP "he cant believe how good I have been" how fucking insulting is that? Oh really babe, do I look like that much of a tramp, is your opinion of women that low that you just can't believe we all don't go around hopping on every dick we see? It's either that OP or he is not as innocent as he makes himself out to be and he's projecting that onto you.
You know there's only so much leeway you can give a person over their past bad experiences, new girl, new relationship, you have to leave your baggage behind.
Look, if he doesn't mention this kind of thing often and it's only something that has been bothering you based on a the few times it's come up then don't worry about it, you haven't misrepresented yourself, you haven't lied to him, he has no reason not to trust you and there is no reason for him to know about things you don't even consider as having relevancy.
Guys have "fat days" too OP. Except our fat days are more along the lines of whether we're a good lover/partner or whether our partner has had or could have better. You just do what you'd do with a girl friend on those days and reassure him but be careful not to let him get carried away either OP, that kind of bullshit gets old quickly and can very often lead to toxic behaviours, like jealousy and possessiveness. So don't let him get away with too much and maintain a boundary of acceptable behaviour, his baggage should have been left behind he has no reason to doubt you so don't tolerate that shite too much.
I had a hell of a time any time I dated insecure women, there's only so many times you can tell them they're not fat and ugly before you yearn for someone who doesn't cast so much doubt on you all the time. Too much work.
Ease your mind though OP, your minor transgressions are nothing to do with the woman you are, the last thing you want to do is feed this guys idiotic insecurities.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Audrey  +, writes (17 October 2012):
 If his values are too rigid then his rigidity may cause other aspects of the relationship to get the wobbles in the future.
If his standards and values are out of sync with your standards and values then trouble could erupt when you least expect it. There is a reason why he is still single. Factor that in before you start laying out all your past for him to Judge you. A task that he has no right to do.
And if he has retroactive jealousy issues you are in for a bumpy relationship. Do you need this? Is his constitution so fragile that has to demand every woman reveal every tiny indiscretion, just so he can then rail against the woman and point out her shortcomings and why she is no longer the woman he thought was? Make her feel bad and then finally dump her as unworthy of his high standards?
And if he is too prim, precious and protective of an unattatinable standard then the best strategy might be to let him down gently without revealing your past. And let him go look for a 30-35 year old with a minimal sexual past. Good luck on that count. if he keeps this up with every woman he may one day find himself a 70 year old man with high standards looking for a 70 year old woman with no 'past' to speak of. And who made him the High Judge and chief Judger of what is not OK?
However if he is a Real man with realistic valies then there is hope. He may appreciate your honesty.
There is NO reason though why you have to reveal every tiny detail about your past unless the guilt is eating you up and unless you think this relationship is really going somewhere permanent and completely committed. And unless he will accept it without throwing it back in your face every time he has an argument with you in the coming decades. is telling him worth that?
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A
female
reader, demeplev +, writes (17 October 2012):
 Leave the past there, sounds like you are truthful and loyal and this is all that matters from today forward, little indiscretions meant NOTHING to you, your relationship was new you handled it how you thought you should, as long as you stay true now get amnesia and forget it, your intentions are good your a good girl now let it go and deal with his trust issues currently.most people have skeletons from along long time ago, i also stole a cookie from the cookie jar should i tell my mommy now? seems ridiculous dont it also she cant punish me now..well she could but then she would be ridiculous..think of it that way..I know you want to be truthful but as i see it he will be destroyed further for insignificant things that have no bearing on today and your future as a couple. love him be honest and let it go he probably feels your guilt..let it go. good luck, peace and love
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