A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I really kinda need help with this now. When I was kinda young, I had a few problems with a relative, which involved him doing a few.... not so nice things to me at the time. In the start of my teens, I privately went and saw a counsellor, but she didn't really help.I have a long-term boyfriend now, who (as most men do) enjoys having a blow job as part of our sex life ^^ After what happened though, I always seem to freeze up just as I'm about to do it, or I'll finish it and spend ages in another room crying afterwards. My Boyfriend is completely supportive of what I've been through, he's one of the few I've ever told about it, but at the same time, I really want to be able to give something back to him, rather than it being one-sided.Could anyone help me by giving me any tips on how to get over this?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2008): i had the same problem when i first got sexually active..
when i firstly gave my boyfriend a blow job it was when i had one of my flash backs i frooze and he was not happy about it..
i began to cry and told him of my problem but he wasnt the guy for me as he finished with me soon after.. but if you fully trust and really love your boyfriend there should be no problem. If you take a deep breath before you give a blow job and tell yourself your not doing anything wrong and now your in controll of the situation yuo can stop at any time. Also just start doing it for 5 minutes then maybe stop to get use to what your doing and so you can see that you dont have to do it.
Hopefully this was of some help :)
x
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to everyone ^^I kinda didnt choose to go back to another counsellor because, well, after that one they were just a mute subject. I am trying to find one nearby now and i'll try again ^^I think it might be true what thatgothgirl20 said about simply imagining most guys evil... Only thing i cant understand that of anything that could be done, these are the only things i just stop on, but hopefully (fingers crossed) if i see a new counsellor they might be able to figure that with me ^^Thank you again everyone, im glad i found this site.... people are actually nice on it 3
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A
female
reader, thatgothgirl20  +, writes (19 March 2008):
 Here are two of your problems:
1) Seeing yourself as a victim.
2) Comparing past sexual abuse to your experiences now.
You've got to talk to yourself in your head. Ask yourself, "Is this something that I really want to do, or am I just doing this to please him?" If it is the second one, don't do it, if it's the first, be confident in your choice. Tell yourself later over and over again, I was not a victim, I CHOSE to do what I did. He did not pressure me into doing it, yet at the same time he did not STOP me from doing it, because his role is not to make sure that I know what I am doing, seeing as how I am a GROWN ADULT. If it helps, replay the incident over and over in your mind to find evidence in it where it shows that you CHOSE to do what you did, and that you were NOT a victim (for example, if you initiated it and you KNEW you were ready.)
No I did not go to a behavioral therapist for this advice, I came up with it myself, because I have issues in this area too. When I was younger I was raped and molested, and sometimes it's hard for me to see my bf as a good person, and not as evil, just because he's a man.
It might take time to realize that you are just doing sexual stuff together, and that you are not being used.
Talk to your bf and question him to confirm things, as a reassurance to yourself. If you do this too often (as I have done sometimes) it might annoy him, but do it anyways. Ask him things like, "Would you still love me even if I didn't do this for you?" He might look at you with a puzzled look and say "Of course I would, why do you ask?" Then that opens the floor for him to help you as well to work on some of your issues, and it might be difficult for you to trust him at first.
Don't let what I am about to say discourage you, but you have a LONG road ahead of you (as I do.) Seek a therapist, and be strong. Maybe try couples counseling, but individual counseling at first, maybe. I'm not sure which one might be best, but I do know that counseling is a good thing period.
Sometimes you can't help seeing yourself as a victim. Seeing yourself as a victim is one of the many symptoms of CPTSD, or COMPLEX POST-TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER. Also there is this thing called Learned Helplessness-the feeling that no matter what you do, bad things are going to happen to you (such as being sexually abused.) You freezing up sounds like one of it's symptoms (not sure, but yeah.) You've got to work on your frame of mind (where you are, what it is that you are doing, etc.) You've got to tell yourself over and over, that this is NOT the past, and that this is you and your bf doing something special between each other.
If you need a friend, just message.
You have my condolences.
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A
female
reader, MBHP +, writes (19 March 2008):
Try keeping eye contact with your partner so you're constantly reminded hes someone who cares for you? Failing that i'd try relaxation techniques or seek professional help. x
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A
male
reader, Stroller +, writes (19 March 2008):
 More counselling! The only reason it didn't work before is that you got unlucky with your counsellor - maybe you got one who isn't so good, or more likely you just didn't find one that you "clicked" with.
There are support groups in most towns - whether you like to admit it or not, you were raped as a kid. If you can't find a counsellor who works for you, or who isn't available often enough, then keep looking. There are lots of other girls who have had similar experiences, so some kind of "victims anonymous" (although "victim" maybe isn't a politically-correct word, these days) group would help you talk this over with others who've been in a similar situation.
It sounds like you have a great guy here - he's definitely a keeper! He's understanding, so don't tear yourself up too much about "not being able to please him". As long as you start making steps to heal yourself he'll be cool with it - it sounds like he wants the best for you.
On a practical note: for a guy, being able to have an orgasm in the company of a girl is over 90% of the pleasure. Lots of guys would be quite happy if you were to dress up in stockings and a corset and encourage him to beat off; talk a little dirty to him. If you're able to enjoy cunnilingus then he'll be over the moon!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2008): I have to agree with gost8, that you have experienced some truama from the relative. Counseling "could" help, but finding one that connects with you will always be problematic.What I do when I respond a certain way, is in the moment, ask myself why I did that, then ponder it. There aren't quick results, but it seems it eventually triggers the brain to recall the events and eventually gives me the answer I need to get through it.Take care and good luck.
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A
female
reader, Kiss Dont Miss +, writes (19 March 2008):
It's not only blow job that can be pleasant to your guy. Have you thought about oral? sensual massage? or anything else that most guys like? If you don't feel like doing blow jobs now, just don't do them, there are many other ways how you can prove your affection to the guy.Best of luck! and Let the past remain in the past.kissdontmiss.com
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A
female
reader, gost8 +, writes (19 March 2008):
Honey, from what you describe, you really do need counseling from a good therapist. It isnt the ability or inability to give a blow job. It is the trauma you went through with your relative when you were younger. It sounds like you have deep emoitional scars from this experience that you need to resolve.Once those issues are taken care of, then worry about the ability to give a blow job.Good luck
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