A
male
age
30-35,
*ether
writes:Hey guys,I am in a relationship with someone of "20...30... i lost count" sexual partners and past bursts of casual sex with a casual view on sex, in comparison to my 4 partners, including her and conservative values. I love this person and things are more or less perfect otherwise so how does one move past extensive experience and different value system?I pass up on casual sex as part of my value system. I feel that a mutual respect, love and commitment needs to be involved in sex otherwise there is no emotional pole to balance the objectification of using someone for the pleasure of a base reproductive action, which i feel is degrading. I feel sex is the reward of proper commitment and the meaning is affected if it is thrown willy nilly at the average joe beyond human error. This must surely be a flawed view but for some reason i see logic. i never chose these beliefs.In my situation, i feel the regular (potentially excruciating) pain of jealousy when i think of other men with the woman i love, but when this extends to men who did not respect her to downright abusers as well as the sheer number of men... it gets amplified. i still value her the same, the intimate experiences other men have of her is what bothers me greatly and im not quite sure why and what the past means. How do you let go and change this value system?Thank you in advance :) I have tried my best to get to the meat and potatoes of beliefs breeding jealousy. this question is asked in the spirit of overcoming.
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male
reader, Aether +, writes (22 February 2015):
Aether is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks janniepeg, you're right and im so tired of this. i feel like it just needs to click.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (21 February 2015):
 You are very hard on yourself. You have a problem with having had casual sex. You have a problem with not being able to accept a partner's past. You even thought her son would beat you up for loving the mother. You no doubt have a keen interest in bettering yourself with enlightenment. You are conquering your flaws which other people accept as normal. If you lived in the Bible times you would be someone who flogged himself as penitence. You need to let go, relax and love yourself. Give your mind a rest.
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male
reader, Aether +, writes (21 February 2015):
Aether is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIll reply to both of the last commentsi had casual sex ONCE and hated myself after and somehow that throws out the values i have lived by my entire life both before and after that!? That was right out of a long term relationship as i tried so hard and it failed so i was like screw it ill try what everyone else does and i learnt it wasn't my thing straight away and never did that again. its not wrong (unless someone gets hurt), its just not me. I'm not a no sex before marriage kind of person and not against previous relationships. there is both a rational and irrational side to my jealousy with obsessive compulsive, depressive and anxious sides to it, i am going to a professional and i am medicated and i have been genuinely asking for help.When i said feminazi i am not referring to all women at all. i mean feminazi referring to the women who verbally abuse people who have values that differ to their expressive view. You're right about this being a problem if i see my GF in a 'slutty' light and start picking at her for it, i would never as she has not done anything wrong to me personally by living her life how she chose, its her right. this is where i differ to those who cannot contain their jealousy and project it as their pain 'must' be the others fault. The subject of being emotionally and verbally abusive has been covered earlier. if somehow i went down that road i would know i have to let this relationship go and seek greater help.i do not want to feel holier than thou or criticize others, i feel like i have been quite mistaken.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (20 February 2015):
 I admit thet I did not read through the whole thread- but I want to comment on one specific statement of yours, that can't be overlooked regardless of the actual content of the debate.
YOU had casual sex once. So I call bullshit on yout sexual ethics and " current moral values ". You do not need to get over your moral values in sexual matters, because such values never existed ,or were at best very flimsy and transitional.
You want to impose on other people values that you do NOT embrace first.
But it only happened once ? so what ?!..
The point here, is not if it was a big or small transgression, or if it is a forgivable one. Of course it is forgivable !, if the transgressors do regret their mistake,almost everything is forgivable on a human level, ( and totally everything on a religious one ).
The point is, when you STRONGLY and sincerely are against something that goes invincibly again your moral fiber and intellectual stand, you draw the line and just don't do it. It's a boundary you do not cross, because you do not have it in you to cross it.
Someone who is ardently pro-life won't have just one small little abortion, feeling all smug because it was just one when there are women who had 5 or 6 .
A rabid teetotaller won't ever get pissed drunk, "just that once " because just once is really no big deal and does not signify. It may not signify for another person, say a moderate social drinker. But it DOES signify and it is a big deal for the rabid teetotaller, because it by going against what he deems most morally relevant.... it shows that it's not so relevant after all. Actions speak louder than words.
You do not have strong anti-casual sexual ethics- you just want an excuse to feel holier than thou and to criticize people who made different choices from yours. Have fun with that ,if you wish- but I think you could spare us the soapbox, which only belongs legitimately to people who can prove BY THEIR ACTIONS that they are and were coherent with their values.
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female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (20 February 2015):
 You summed up your entire view towards women in one word:
"feminazi"
That's really offensive.
You can't say you have these "values", yet admit to having had casual sex, and indeed have had more than one partner.
You can't partake in casual sex, yet take issue with the woman you are with doing the same. Who cares if it's one time or several times? You can't say that you have values, yet don't uphold them for yourself.
I understand retroactive jealousy, and I don't judge a guy for having it. I judge their actions toward the woman they have it toward. If it is some "deep emotion", like generalized anxiety disorder or clinical depression or obsessive/compulsive issue, then it needs to be dealt with professionally, with tools and perhaps medication, because having it will eventually poison every relationship you're in, except one where she is a virgin until you marry her, and even then, I've seen on another site (a religious one) a guy who married a woman who was a virgin same as him. They were "pure" for each other (his words), yet he went crazy because she had had a boyfriend for six months before she met him, and they had "kissed". She told him before they married, and he couldn't live with the fact that another man had even touched her, never mind that there wasn't any sort of oral sex or clothes that came off. She made out with the guy...like first base only, and it got so bad for him that he would call her things like "whorish" or "unclean" and other things. It came out that he'd had a girlfriend prior who went down on him before.
So don't go all "noble" and say that RJ is some "deep emotion" when indulging it and shaming a woman who is a good person, scarring them perhaps for life, is anything to do with love. It's a self-centered emotion. It's an ego thing, and the only way truly to handle it at this point is to let her go. You know who she is when you met her. If your behavior and emotions are destructive and uncontrollable, causing you to commit emotional abuses and cause emotional harm to the one you say you love, then you need to take responsibility for that and get professional help. Unchecked, you'll find a reason to be jealous of everyone you date, leaving you alone. Especially as one gets older and EVERYONE has a sexual history, like your casual sex encounter, your 4 partners, including the partner you're with (you ARE sexual now, right?).
If you had values, you wouldn't be sexual with your current partner. That's the thing, right?? Being jealous of past sexual partners, yet contributing to the sexual history, it's a paradox, and it is illogical.
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A
male
reader, Aether +, writes (20 February 2015):
Aether is verified as being by the original poster of the question@passionatelynumb
I can completely relate to a lot of that, i sometimes even knot up when i see a girl in very revealing clothes! id die in a strip club. it wouldn't be so bad if there was a balance of people like us but its like we are a rare breed deemed "old fashioned" and what the feminazis call oppressive, just because we fight for meaning.
people seem to think we want to make women wear burkas. the amount of times ive read "get over it", "you're pathetic" and "she deserves better" throughout my quests for help have been overwhelming.
in fear of us hurting others, others hurt us, further isolating us and it makes me think that maybe the answers have to lie within ourselves, not others. ive learnt to not take someone seriously who does not understand the problem.
i think we have to work on the sensitivity of our external stimuli, others should not threaten us, we should be in control of our own happiness where possible. the goal is not to have everyone acting conservative, many spirits are just not that way, though it would be nice to have a closer balance of people.
maybe its just my generation as well, definitely this culture. its particularly extreme in my generation. ive been added to groups on facebook where guys i know share nude photos they get of women they talk to. they just dont seem to care but in turn it doesnt mean much to them, to someone who thinks of these things with meaning, it is disturbing.
I experienced casual sex once, a one nighter. i try to refer to it to give casual sex context though it should help, it doesn't. that sex meant absolutely nothing and i wish i could just put that feeling onto my partners past, maybe it just takes practice.
the answer to this is so elusive with so many potentials. why is there so little knowledge out there of this problem! movies such as "chaos theory", "eyes wide shut" and "chasing amy" have all tried touching on this issue as well as one episode of "rules of engagement" and the song "mr brightside" i think.
i feel for you too man, retroactive envy i have had as well but mine has evolved into just feeling pain from the retrospective physical experience other men have of my partner, obviously this would translate to the present as well such as "perving" making me mad, but im sure that is quite common. maybe we have a problem disassociating the past from the present?
spirituality teaches that both the past and the physical is rather meaningless. if we were to only be in the present, the past would not matter and if we did not value the physical but the emotional and spiritual, we would be liberated. we have to accept this reality
as resistance is what causes this pain. i feel this may be the only way along with an understanding of ourselves.
i really appreciate your empathy, it is rare to find it in others, i hope this helps you too, much thought has gone into this for me already.
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i may start a blog of all my insights into the matter, if i do, i will update this threat and link if allowed.
im not sure how much further this thread will go but i would like to correct what i initially said about her past being "excessive", i think thats a rather arbitrary statement, but it is excessive in the context of what a regular person my age would normally deal with let alone a jealous one. i also want to take back saying "sheer number of men" implying judgement and excess. this has just been an emotional subject for me.
Still i am unsure jealousy is the right word but i have faith that where there is a problem, there is overcoming.
Thank you all again for your help.
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A
male
reader, passionatelynumb +, writes (19 February 2015):
 Now I have to thank you for your well thought out and kind reply. Your situation and approach to getting through this has been so similar to mine, I couldn’t help but emphasize how serious it is. Whatever you decide, know that there are others who share your pain. A lot of people will be quick to dismiss your situation as trivial or something you just need to get over, but know there are others out there who understand how real the pain is and how it can interfere in our lives. It may not be rational; it may not be justified, but it is there nonetheless; and it hurts like hell. I think some people are more susceptible to it than others, and you and I sound like the type who are most susceptible. You and I seem cut from the same cloth. It appears we were raised with the same value system. It may or may not be the correct value system, but it is deeply ingrained in us still. You mentioned external stimuli that trigger these feelings. I know exactly what you mean. For me it’s the mention of or promotion of casual sex. I try to be open-minded when it comes to sex, but I still get hung up on that one. Unfortunately, casual sex is everywhere, TV, Movies, Advertisements, etc. You hear your guy friends talk about it and you hear groups of girls talking about it with such light abandon. I would give anything to not have my stomach knot up when I come across it. It’s almost like being allergic to air. There is one area where we may differ. One conflict I have, where it appears you do not, is that I’m both repulsed by casual sex and yet I now wish I could have experienced it myself before settling down. You could say I suffer from both retroactive jealousy and retroactive envy at the same time. It’s a strange dichotomy. You also mentioned that it appears like we have a different strain jealousy, and I can only warn you that the jealousy is constantly morphing. I’ve run the gamut of all types of this jealousy. Once you feel you’ve tackled it and put it behind you, it comes back in a different form. I mean not to discourage you, only to give you an idea of the possible pitfalls ahead. Know that I empathize with you, and I hope with all my heart that both you and I can put this 100% behind us one day.
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male
reader, Aether +, writes (19 February 2015):
Aether is verified as being by the original poster of the question@passionatelynumbI really appreciate your effort in the answer and trying to help me and even if it isn't something comfortable to think about i will consider all of it, however, i will still defend my position.I do feel like we have different strains of jealousy.I don't feel sexually inferior as she is not necessarily better than other physical experiences i have had either yet i dont compare her, i bet im not the best, but i keep reminding myself its really about the passion of now.I don't think inferiority has to lead to resentment, that sounds like a projection of insecurity onto the other person. i feel worthy of her, im younger, alright looking and we get along amazingly.all of my relationships have had this jealousy and i don't feel like those were wasting time with something i could not get over and i quite possibly wouldn't have. She does deserve someone without these issues with her past but i will not resent her, if i started to, i know my jealousy would have gone too far for the relationship to continue.You're right, this relationship might come down to how i cope with these issues but i feel that since I've been avoiding dealing with these issues for so long by becoming a hermit and sexually repressing myself, i feel life has thrown me the situation where i must learn as i was not happy and still feeling pain every time i saw a woman in revealing clothing. not healthy at all. already through this i have learnt so much.She contains everything i want, all i need to do is let go, maybe i will find a way and if i do i will help others but if you're right, i guess i need to go through this myself. i feel she's worth the risk as i am for her and i love her beyond the context of our relationship so i would do anything to avoid hurting her.
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reader, passionatelynumb +, writes (18 February 2015):
I’m telling you, I’ve tried to do everything you’ve mentioned. I’ve gone through all the steps you have. I’ve tried to change my paradigm to get over my moral issues with her past, just like you are trying to do. Trying to change your value system doesn’t fix the problem, because the feeling of sexual inferiority remains. And feelings of inferiority always lead to resentment. It’s the experiential divide that you are longing to cross in order to feel worthy of her. I know that sounds crazy, but I really think that’s the crux of it. I know you are afraid of this coming up in the next relationship, and the next one after that, and you are right. Unless you both are virgins when you get married, there will always be a hint of retroactive jealousy in a relationship, but it’s usually manageable and possibly unnoticeable. It’s when the sexual experience gap widens that the pain, frustration, and feelings of sexual inferiority become amplified. You can dull the pain, you can deny its existence, you can try to wait it out; but you can never fully get over it. It’s purely a matter of how much you are willing to tolerate for the rest of your life. Perhaps your next relationship will be one where your jealousy is tolerable. I’ve talked to husbands who have dealt with this for over 15 years. It never goes away. Think of the years they’ve wasted on this obsession, wallowing in despair. Just look at me; I’ve been dealing with this for six years myself! When the experience gap is as wide as it is in your case, it’s going to be a heavy burden that you will carry for the rest of this relationship. You have to ask yourself, is this fair to your significant other? Does she deserve to waste her time with someone who will always resent her for her past. No. She deserves to be loved by someone who doesn’t have these issues with her past, and you don’t deserve to be struggling with the feelings of sexual inferiority for the rest of your life either. As someone who really wants to help you, I implore you to not go down this path. The longer you stay with her, the less fair it is to her. You are still so young, there is still so much time to find someone you love with a sexual past closer to your own. Say you spend 10, 15, or even 20 years in your current relationship before it becomes unbearable and too much for you to handle? What happens then? You’ll have wasted both your and her life. And then what? Do you think you’ll find someone close to your age who’s only been with four other people? Fat chance. You only get to live your twenties once. Go out and live them, before you are too committed to get out!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2015): It's terribly insulting. Such a deep moral feeling is only understood as "jealousy" in the eyes of so many.
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male
reader, Aether +, writes (18 February 2015):
Aether is verified as being by the original poster of the question@WiseOwlE
you're making some bold assumptions here, but real possibilities for some people. it is not about suppressed resentment for me, its about resistance to the experience of other men outside of my own value system that im looking to let go of. sexual inferiority is there but only a small piece. every relationship i have ends up being a little more than i can chew, its just larger now. i must face this lesson that keeps repeating or i will never be happy in a relationship. if i can accept what i am currently dealing with, i know i would have overcome my jealousy. i dont want pasts to come into my mind when im learning and experiencing who someone IS. this relationship could end multiple ways if this consumes me but i can guarantee that if i felt i could be abusive, i would end it. i need to work through this, there is no other option.
@janniepeg
i have been seeing a psychologist who specializes in mindful meditation and he has given me the exact mind metaphor of clouds in the sky, letting the clouds (thoughts) pass by. though harder to do when there is a storm. a beautiful response nonetheless :)
"The point is to realize what you had been tackling all along is a non issue." - i cannot wait to reach that realization!
@Midnight Shadow
I need these issues, it shows me a part of myself i need to fix that will most likely not go away with someone else, this woman i am with is a beautiful person and loves me and its not that she doesn't want a relationship with a future, its that we recognize the future is unforeseeable and that our path might divide later down the line.
@Tisha-1
If close proximity was enough, i would have started the relationship years ago, ive known her for about 6 years.
the love was built over these years, though not romantic love until recently but the initial love made it easy
to fall into romantic love. you are still right about it having casual beginnings, but we were just being dishonest to ourselves.
I really appreciate the efforts, i understand the concerns as well, a little hostile at times but i accept its an emotional subject. i know i may be wrong about many things.
thank you all 3
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (18 February 2015):
 "I feel that a mutual respect, love and commitment needs to be involved in sex otherwise there is no emotional pole to balance the objectification of using someone for the pleasure of a base reproductive action, which i feel is degrading. I feel sex is the reward of proper commitment and the meaning is affected if it is thrown willy nilly at the average joe beyond human error. "
So remind us how it is you came to be in a relationship with her? You were in close proximity and that was apparently enough for you to start a relationship? That sounds fairly casual....
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female
reader, Midnight Shadow  +, writes (18 February 2015):
 I think that there are so many problems with this relationship that it doesn't seem worth pursuing.
However, since you're still young and she doesn't seem to want a relationship with a future, I don't see a reason to tell you to stop seeing her - as it's your choice.
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female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (18 February 2015):
As you like philosophy I am sure you like spiritual stuff too. How about you practice just observing your thoughts and let it disappear like clouds passing by. The more you make it an issue, the bigger you grow. There is nothing to overcome. Like having a bad dream. When you face your killer, a ghost, or anything chasing you, stare at them face to face. You will notice you are stronger than them since you are the alive one. The point is to realize what you had been tackling all along is a non issue.
She likes the tender you. You are the unique one because you know how to treat a lady and you know how to make love, not just fuck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2015): You seem to harbor suppressed resentment, and THAT is consuming you. You say a lot of "philosophical stuff;" but jealousy and the fear of being sexually-inferior to the men she has known in her past, is stronger than your love for her.
To put it plainly, you've bitten-off more than you can chew; and this woman is totally incompatible with your values. You've got a possible sexual-inferiority complex going on here. Why don't you just find someone you can handle. She's older and out of your league.
This woman's past has become your obsession. I think you'd both be better-off going your separate ways. You're more than struggling at this point; it's really gotten to you, my friend. This type of fixation on a woman's past often leads to abuse. She will begin to feel the brunt of your anxiety through your behavior towards her. You won't have to leave her, she'll leave YOU!
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male
reader, Aether +, writes (17 February 2015):
Aether is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthey still deserve love, i meant it in the way of overcoming other obstacles such as the past with love, especially if all is well in the present.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (17 February 2015):
"These women deserve love if they can give you what you need in the present."
Um, does that mean they don't deserve love if they can't?
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reader, Aether +, writes (17 February 2015):
Aether is verified as being by the original poster of the question@passionatelynumbIt's a horrible feeling i know but i have felt it in all my relationships. When i was a virgin and she wasn't, when another was molested, as well as my current situation. Its something i have no choice but to face and life will keep giving it until i learn to deal with it. i need to be ok with this and i think you do too in your situation. buddhism and other spiritual teachings help, such as eckhart tolle's "the power of now" and alan watts when he says the bad is what gives the good context, there cannot be one without other. the old dies in favour of the new. you cant bring a person back from the dead just as you can't experience the past again, and that's where these other men reside. My own past means nothing to me either. Despite intellectually knowing this the hardest part is to get it emotionally, but i have to believe it is possible or every relationship will contain this pain on top of any other normal relationship struggles. These women deserve love if they can give you what you need in the present. You'd think knowing all this would void the problem! Maybe one day.
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reader, passionatelynumb +, writes (17 February 2015):
That pain, that jealousy; I'm afraid it never goes away. You can learn to supress it, but it will always be there in the shadows waiting steal your happiness. I know. I've been married to a woman I love dearly for 5 years now. We have two children. It's a good marraige. But the issue has always been there simmering under the surface. If you can't deal with the idea of carrying this pain for the rest of your life, then I urge you to end the relationship. It will make you miserable otherwise. Life is too short to be miserable for most of it.
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reader, Aether +, writes (17 February 2015):
Aether is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your responses! i really appreciate people like you out there who genuinely care and want to help.
i've also done a bit of reading since asking about sexual perspectives and i realise i have the 'romantic' view (sex saved as a gift for
those you love) and my partner has the 'plain' (anything goes as long as no-one is hurt) and expressive view (sexual empowerment).
i did not choose my view to sound much more poetic haha.
@Midnight shadow, you're right about the thought "if she can have casual sex with others, how much could our sex really mean to her?".
The truth is it does mean a lot to her and is worlds apart from casual sex as "the nonny" said. it might really be
"what does this sex now mean to me?" that im struggling with.
@janniepeg, your answer was very insightful and i completely agree. she's... a bit older than me so her experience is a lot more,
grouped with her sexual perspective, but she is pretty emotionally stable.
@the nonny, i should accept my own value system, there isn't anything wrong with it but it makes me prone to more pain when after
more meaning.
"So everything's really good,but her past is bothering you?" - this is spot on.
"I think the best way is to actually accept her as she is (if you can) and enjoy your time together. Appreciate what you have." -
definitely!
"Maybe ask more questions about her relationships rather than the NUMBER of sexual partners she has had
(i.e. relationship vs sex attitude)." - she has told me of her own accord, i told her i want to know nothing but she doesn't have
this jealousy so its a little alien to her as to how to work around it so info i shouldnt know spills out sometimes but ive talked
to her about this.
About your mutual attraction scenario, if i slept with someone in that context, i would actually feel like she is not my pleasure
to have and that i must hold back to bring more value into a proper relationship. maybe this is where i need some perspective change
as past to me affects the value of and contextualizes the present.
Our other values do align as well, though the sex one for me is one of my highest.
with how women never used to have rights, i agree in equality! everyone should have control of their own lives.
@tisha, ive never really been good at norms haha and yes my focus needs to be on the present, its jsut the practice of this
i need to get down. ive lived with her for 2 years and the relationship just developed naturally i guess.
Acceptance and letting go is the step i must be at. The wall to climb is the considerable past and my mind telling me its affecting
the value and exclusivity of the present. It really pains me that quite a few guys who may or may not have respected her have
experienced the peak physical intimacy with her. I guess my final question would be, is this something i have to be ok with to let
go or can i just let go? i need to do this because it is a special thing that she chose me to have a relationship with.
Thanks again!
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (17 February 2015):
Hi Aether, you wrote this question as well: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/young-male-older-female-advice-for-breaking-news.html
So you are dating the mother of a woman you had a long-term relationship with?
So you already have some experience with going against some norms.
I'd say that you should just take each moment as a gift and do not live in the past. As you obviously are not living in the past by keeping sexual or romantic feelings for her daughter, then just remind yourself that she doesn't have sexual or romantic feelings for any of her past partners.
Also remind yourself that all her past experiences are what make her unique and special, whether you approve of them all or not.
P.S. It would have made more sense for you to work this through before moving in with her.
Good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2015): Accept her as she is, or give her up. If all you can offer her is your jealousy and make her life miserable by your judging her; she would be better off without you. Go find yourself a woman of similar moral-values. She cannot change the past, and you can't get past it. So let her go.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2015): Ok, so,if I understood you correctly:everything in this relationship is more or less perfect (your words and indeed nothing is ever truly "perfect",so more or less seems a fair characterisation) apart from her past?So everything's really good,but her past is bothering you?Have I understood correctly? If I have I don't necessarily think that she is emotionally unstable or that there has been a trauma, but janniepeg gave you some pretty good reasons as to why women have casual sex: "Some of it was curiosity and some was because my relationship broke up and I needed a new person to distract me from my pain."I can attest that I too have felt this way at times and they are both valid reasons and they are not the only ones.Dear Op, I think you've hit the nail on the head with this:"I pass up on casual sex as part of my value system."That is it-either it does not form part of her value system (i.e. she doesn't put much weight on the importance of sex) or she just has a different view.You think you should "let go and change this value system?"-why? Why do you want to change it? I see nothing wrong with your value system! (or with hers,but that's another point)I think the best way is to actually accept her as she is (if you can) and enjoy your time together. Appreciate what you have.Casual sex (for me) doesn't have the same intensity or level of connection as relationship sex. The difference is from here to the moon!Maybe ask more questions about her relationships rather than the NUMBER of sexual partners she has had (i.e. relationship vs sex attitude).Ok,how do I explain this? Ummm,ok... Imagine there was somebody you knew and there were very sexy (to you! beauty IS in the eye of the beholder),so very sexy but you don't like their personality or you think that because of essential differences (for example: I couldn't tolerate being in a relationship with a racist),but there is sexual chemistry AND MUTUAL attraction...Well, it's not like you two are killing somebody,right? You're not hurting anybody,you're both enjoying yourselves etc. etc. etc. You both know you are not gonna end up together.So,really since you are both simply enjoying yourselves and not hurting anyone else-why is it everybody else's business?If I were you-I would think that she saw something in you/you offered her something that NOBODY ELSE could/can. Something to make her STAY. Instead of dropping you like a hot potato and moving on to the next dude.She saw something in you- and whatever it is,e.g. you are a really kind person, it was soooo good that it made her STAY. It made her CHOOSE YOU above everyone else. So good news is: you must be pretty special to her :)Another good piece of news: she was very HONEST with you (or at least tried...I don't get the"have lost count part"-maybe that's her way of saying the number is higher?)Bad news thou: if that's something that's really important to you and you can't compromise on it,well then that's bad news for that relationship indeed.But BEFORE doing a Devon Loch-why don't you try to find out if the rest of your value system matches up with hers? e.g. I don't know what's important to you so just shooting in the dark here,but : do you both want to have a family? how big? what are her career aspirations? what are yours? if someone was to fall ill/lose a job-how will the other react (i.e. what do you expect her to take on as a responsibility and what will she expect from you?) Is there anything you can build/work towards together so that you can create your own future?Just ideas. If the majority of your values match and is just this one-I'd ignore it. Don't imagine her with other dudes coz,at the end of the day, they lost her and you have her now. Whether you can keep her (and whether she can keep you: it takes work from both sides!)-now that's the million dollar question!Love,the Nonnyps: I feel like a barrack-room lawyer on this one coz I'm not a man. Maybe the male uncles can offer you better advice/support on this one?Though,tbf, women got the vote only 86 years ago (very short time if you think about it!!) and sexual freedom etc is a very new phenomenon, uncharted territory so to speak and the rules are being made up as we go. It will take some adjusting of attitudes (just as with the vote,women working etc.) and for the time being-just do what you feel is right.pps: also(to give you perspective): women could not leave Spain without a husband's/father's signature during Franco's dictatorship. Which ended in 1975... Just 40 years ago!! Just 40 years ago a man could decide/control what his wife/daughter's movements and make decisions for her! Not long time ago at all and a very big cultural shift has taken place in this very short space of time!!
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reader, janniepeg +, writes (16 February 2015):
Value systems don't change overnight but when there is a will, there is a way. As survival tactic, we form profiles about people and put them into boxes. Maybe women with a past means she can't see you as special, she needs outside attention and approval. One day she will get bored of you. When someone had a past but says she is going to be the right person for you that forces you to be flexible about your thought patterns.
I've had casual sex. Some of it was curiosity and some was because my relationship broke up and I needed a new person to distract me from my pain. I still hold the similar belief as you. Although I don't see sex as a reward, or worse, a carrot to dangle, I think sex should only be in committed relationships. There is nothing flawed about this. I also don't feel that people who need an emotional connections to have sex as weirdos. At the same time I don't think breaking the rules occasionally should make me a completely different animal.
I think what you need is give her time. No magic pills or thinking system to change your values or should you. Your doubts and worries are normal. Let her prove to you in time that, she is not a stereotype, a product of trauma and more trauma to come. I honestly feel 20-30 at your age is a bit much. If you can't get over it don't beat yourself up. It's normal to want a person who's happy and not laden with emotional issues.
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reader, Midnight Shadow +, writes (16 February 2015):
Her past isn't the problem; you need to feel secure in why she's having sex with you.
I understand that you wonder "if she can have casual sex with others, how much could our sex really mean to her?", but you need to forget her past (provided you've both been checked recently for STDs) and decide if you love her enough or not.
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