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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I am happy with my boyfriend most of the time but when we do argue it becomes a huge event, rather than just a small quarrel.If I stay and try to talk it out with him I will say nasty things because I am upset and provide more fuel for the argument. I accept that I am antagonistic, so I would try to be alone and calm down, but he will follow me everywhere (even unpicked a locked door!)and winds me up even more. If I flat out tell him to leave me alone, he will storm off and I won't hear from him for a week. Basically I don't want no contact with him for a week! I just want a bit of time alone to calm down so the srgument ends. These stupid arguements happen probably once every couple of months, they are always about a load of crap.I couldn't even remember what the last one was about, I just remember how bad it made me feel. How can I diffuse arguements with my boyfriend before they errupt into chaos? I am scared that in the end it will take its toll on our relationship :( Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2015): thankyou for the replies, it's given me some things to think about. lol at the 'snowball' that is exactly what it's like! I guess it really needs to be an effort on both our parts
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2015): My girlfriend and I have had the same problem, she is just like you and I am just like your boyfriend (at least based on the limited information you have provided). We have fought many times over very stupid things and we call it "the snowball" - a small, stupid problem grows into a huge fight. We have acknowledged that she is hotheaded and says mean things during the moment but cools down later while I am hardheaded but quick to recognize it as a stupid fight and then desperately seek to "fix it." That means we escalate into a big fight and then it's drawn out while she attempts to cool down but is unable to because I am trying to force her into fixing it with me. Meanwhile, her running away for a cool down causes me to feel frustrated and afraid of losing control of a stupid fight which might end our relationship.You have done the right thing by recognizing what you need to do is stop the snow ball. We have less fights now because we agree that we're incompatible in that post-fight stage so we try to avoid it from escalating. One of us will usually say something like, "We're getting ready to go there and I don't want us to do that." Then the other says, "I agree, and I don't want that either, so quick being a f***er." We usually laugh then and both make an effort to realize we almost had another stupid fight. It has worked well, but we still have a few of those fights now and then. The most important part though is we both have acknowledged they're stupid fights and we're both contributing to them.
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female
reader, Midnight Shadow  +, writes (16 February 2015):
 You can try to work on not fuelling the fire but, at the same time, he's being childish by deliberately trying to get a rise out of you when you try to walk away and calm down.
If he won't agree to working on it and actually show progress, you're stuck in a relationship where this will be (and stay) the norm for as long as you're with him.
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