A
female
age
51-59,
*aneann
writes:Hi, I sent you email months ago when I was told my husband was having an affair, I got a lot of help from your answers, but I'm still in doubt... we have decided to try and build our marriage, my husband told me everything, he is not seeing her anymore, he has given up his job so he is not near her and also to spend time together as a couple. He keeps telling me he loves me and he only wants me and he is sorry for what he has done but I just can't get certain things out of my head certain days, times, etc. Also how do I get through next year as his affair started in December and ended in June, how do I try and get through these months? One day I want to try for our marriage and the next I think if he just left I wouldn't have to think of these things. When I look at him my head is so mixed up, I'm totally lost and drained.
View related questions:
affair Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2010): I too am dealing with the aftermath of a affair. We have 3 children, and have been married 20 yrs. It was a year ago this past April, and I still cannot get over it.
However,in your case, your husband seems truley sorry for what he did, and also seems to be accountable. He is discussing it with you, told you he was sorry, spending time with you. These are all very postive actions.
I wish I could be so lucky. I think that my husband feels he was intitled to the affair, he will not talk about it, and shows no remorse. The only change he made is that he is accountable for his time.
In the end, it will all depend on you, and if you will be able to put it behind you.
A
female
reader, fh +, writes (22 February 2009):
Hi,
My husband had a six month affair that ended in Feb last year. I am still trying to deal with it. Somedays I am so angry at him and have a million questions like why he did what he did and how could he? He broke my heart and my trust. Now he is trying to make up for it but refuses to discuss it and gets angry whenever I bring it up. I'm still hurting by trying to cope day by day. The worst thing is no-one can see your pain. It may be over but it still hurts. I can't help but think he ruined something amazing and don't know if it will ever be the same. We have four beautiful children and I have been the most faithful, loyal and wonderful wife to him but now it's hard not to hate him for what he did. I keep thinking that he's not who I thought he was, now maybe he is that perfect man but he wasn't when I believed he was. I think I forgive him, I don't want revenge but I would like for him to see the hurt he's caused.
...............................
A
female
reader, cassie249 +, writes (15 July 2008):
HI I am still getting over an affair my husband had hw was working away while I was at home looking after our 2 beauty girls, it was with a girl from the site he was working on so saw here everyday and night from Mon - Fri and was living with her and coming back to me at weekends we had been together 11 years married for 4 years my whole life just felt like it had been taken from under me, This was 1 1/2 years ago and I am still finding it hard to forgive and forget. Everyone keeps saying you have to forget and move on but I just can't I have nightmares and get myself very upset when I am on my own. Our relationship will never be the same and I miss that he had the whole of my heart be its like he only has a part of it because I just feel so scared about opening up again and letting him in. Any advice would be gratefully received. I guess what I am saying is it take a while to get over something like this, I feel the same even now do I keep trying or do I give up. But I guess Iam still here fighting which must stand for something. Time is the best Healer it does get easier but it never seemd to go away.all the best to you and I hope you win your fight against your feelings more than anything.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2008): Hi,
I to am having a difficult time getting over an office affair my husband of 20 years had.He still works with her
and because he is the main bread winner and in a very high
position it is not easy for him to leave. He has promised he is "so sorry" and that he has cut all ties with her I still have a hard time believing him. I found out about the affair when i saw their behaviour at his company christmas party just one month ago. When I confronted him he denied it at first until I found e-mails and text messaging between them did he finally come clean. We will start marrage counselling this week.My head spins and I am so confused and not sure if I will stay in this marriage. The only thing holding me here right now is our two children.
...............................
A
female
reader, somersetlucy73 +, writes (8 September 2007):
Hi I'm not the best to give advice. I'm in the same position. It started in Dec and ended in June. It's 3 months to the day it ended. Everything reminds me of different aspects of his affair. I think he thinks i should be moving on. I wish as one of your answers said that the girl in question would have talked I believe it would have helped. I can't look at 18/19 year old girls without getting upset. I don't know what she looks like even. I think we will have to go to counselling because I can't stop thinking. I feel it would have been easier to have left but I couldn't. I think I'm going mad but maybe as I'm not the only one who feels this way that it is normal to feel like this. You expressed it perfectly 'Lost confused and drained' If you want to chat I'd like that. Lucy
...............................
A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (8 September 2007):
 Look at your marriage as a whole. It sounds like he is really sorry. He would not have left his job if he wasn't serious about making a change.Your feelings are normal, but are they based on the past, or the possible future events. In other words, could it be fear that makes you feel this way. Realizing "forgiveness is divine" is a hard concept to follow. It's easy to say we do, but do we really. Or I should say "Whole" Forgiveness doesn't mean we forget. It means we have the strength to release our own personal blames, and what comes with that. Instead of having him tell you what happened. Tell him how you feel. Tell him how you're having trouble getting over this, and that he really did hurt you. Tell hims he doesn't deserve to be forgiven, but you have to so YOU can live without all the questions.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2007): I saw on Oprah a woman who got over the affair her husband had had by writing to the other woman. They talked between a few letters each & it helped her a lot. Before then, she couldn't get things out of her head either.
...............................
A
male
reader, Sandman +, writes (7 September 2007):
 It's a process. Sometimes a long one, but still a process. But you've already been given two wonderful answers already so I'm not gonna beat a dead horse...If you truly love your husband and BELIEVE that he truly loves you, then you're on your way to rebuilding. He's gonna have to gain your trust back and you're gonna have to learn to let go of the past. Easier said than done, but doable nonetheless.Good luck to you and your husband.Hope this helps.
...............................
A
female
reader, Jualsy  +, writes (7 September 2007):
 I just can't get certain things out of my head You said that.Who is in control of what you think about????? You!!Switch off the past....there is nothing you can do about it. Why let something you can do nothing about ruin your present life and endanger your future???You are not a victim....you have been throug a learning curve and now don't be afraid of taking the responsibility of letting go of everything negative.Your choice!!
...............................
A
male
reader, duce00 +, writes (7 September 2007):
 You have definately got alot to process. Rebuilding trust takes time. I was talking to another aunt about some of my trust issues. She passed on a site and Im passing it on to you. It made me reconsider some things but it also focuses on infidelity which wasnt the whole story for me. I think it will apply directly you.
http://www.ehow.com/how_2040630_spouse-trust-again.html
I hope that you can rebuild your marriage. It cant be easy and Im not sure if I could but I want to see successful marriages like most people. Call me a foolish optimist.
Take care and keep in touch,
Duce
...............................
|
